By Anonymous - 29/7/2016 20:33

Sexy time

Today, I woke up to my balls being sucked on. Unfortunately, it was by a mosquito. I hate the summer. FML

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Freak out

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By SchoolSucks - 19/2/2013 17:05 - United States

Today, it's my first day at a new school. I transferred here halfway through the year to get away from a girl who bullies me. She's apparently bullied her mom into transferring her here as well. FML

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By RC3Welly - 9/3/2012 22:58 - United States

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I was "letting myself go". When I told the little girl I babysit in the afternoons why I was so upset, she looked at me for a moment before saying, "Well, I definitely can't blame him." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2017 07:00 - United States - Warren

Today, while having a bad dream, I went to punch a bully in the face. Mid-swing I wake up and punch the solid concrete wall to my basement bedroom FML

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By exasperated - 17/4/2014 03:14 - United States - Houston

Today, I got a call from the police that my house had been burglarized, but an off-duty cop caught the criminal. I pull up to see my detained, psycho ex-boyfriend sheepishly grinning at me. He had three of my lace panties and two of my bras, claiming it was "all for memories sake". FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2016 17:45 - Mexico - Saltillo

Today, I now know how it feels to have a splinter of wood hammered a full inch underneath your fingernail. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2014 22:42 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, my 7-year-old daughter loudly asked in the middle of the supermarket, "Mummy, what's a cunt?" FML

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By NewlyDread - 6/2/2013 02:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking at engagement rings. When the store owner asked about our budget, my boyfriend said with a straight face, "Nothing too expensive, I have a big penis so I don't have to overcompensate by buying a big diamond." FML

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By twiggygonegirl - 6/6/2017 22:00

Today, I updated my list of "quit smoking rewards" to include new clothes. New clothes to fit my new voluptuous body, because the question of how I used to stay thin has been answered. FML

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By dearme - 2/6/2009 01:53 - United States

Today, I was at the extremely crowded gym when someone came up behind me and shouted in my ear scaring the living shit out of me. I jump into a karate pose in front of everyone. No one was behind me. It was a new song starting on my headphones. A trainer asked me if I needed an ambulance. FML

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By crookedteeth - 27/8/2009 17:23 - United States

Today, for my birthday, my mom presented me with a $4,000 check to pay for my braces. I've been very self-conscious about my teeth for years. Everyone applauded and told me how happy they were for me. Later, my mom asked me for the check back. Apparently it was just meant to make her look good. FML

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By KelseNM - 14/8/2018 14:30

Today, I've been diagnosed with an incurable condition in both eyes that is making me go blind. I lost my job and had to drop out of my final year in college because of this. Then my ex found out and stole my car since I "won't need it". FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2016 03:48 - United States - Smyrna

Today, I was driving back home when I saw a yellow object flying off my roof of my car through the side mirrors. I thought nothing of it, then I noticed that I didn't have my phone with me. That's when I realized that the "flying yellow object" was my phone. FML

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By Hypocrisy - 28/9/2011 22:16 - United States

Today, I was called a pervert. On a phone sex line. FML

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By Nick - 11/2/2010 18:35 - United States

Today, I was carrying a hot cup of noodles. I sneezed and accidentally stabbed myself in the forehead with a fork. FML

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By Jay - 6/6/2009 13:17 - United States

Today, I bought my cat a nice big bag of expensive anti-hairball catfood, so she'd stop puking hairballs on my things. After eating it, she started running around wildly, howling and projectile vomiting on EVERYTHING. FML

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By a-scared - 6/8/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, I went to the Grand Canyon with my family. Also today, I found out that I have a crippling fear of heights. My family left me on a ledge hyperventilating and having a mental breakdown, while they hiked for another 2 hours. They won't stop telling me how pretty it was and what I missed. FML

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By Anon - 28/1/2019 06:00 - United States - West Jefferson

Today, my girlfriend and I went on a date. I went to the bathroom. When I came back, she was sitting at a different table flirting with a guy that looked twice as old as her. FML

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By bf - 19/12/2013 02:59 - Canada - London

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. Dinner was going well until her dad secretly fed the asparagus to the dog under the table, and then "discovered" what a childish thing I had done. My girlfriend believed him. FML

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By lbailey32 - 4/2/2014 01:30 - United States - Seneca Falls

Today, my boyfriend decided the best way to inform me of his shoplifting tendencies was to steal stuff while we were at Starbucks. FML

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By TooGulible - 12/7/2016 20:08 - United States - Madison Heights

Today, I was at work at an ice cream shop when a hot guy came in and started chatting me up. I got him his ice cream and as I handed it to him, he mentioned that I was cute and walked away. Then I realised he hadn't paid for the ice cream, and I didn't even get a date out of it. FML

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By kerdersty - 30/5/2011 03:27 - Canada

Today, I was snowboarding when a skier cut me off, resulting in me colliding with a 12 year old girl. The girl was totally fine, and I was alright except for a slight nose bleed. I apologized to the girl, then her mom hit me over the back with a ski pole as I snowboarded away. FML

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By buttuglyforeveralone :( - 5/7/2013 21:37 - United Kingdom - Treharris

Today, my step-dad tried to talk me into getting plastic surgery. His reasoning: "Let's face it, 28 and single? Look, I know your mum gave you shitty genes, but that's no excuse to avoid fixing your face, honey." FML

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By 21! - 3/7/2012 01:53 - United States - Schenectady

Today, while walking around my college campus, I passed by a dorm where a drunk guy was peeing out one of the top floor windows while his drunk friends cheered him on. That guy is my boyfriend. Lucky me. FML

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By ugh - 9/1/2013 01:01 - United States - Saint Clair Shores

Today, my daughter learned a new song. This would be great, except for the lisp her teacher has. I now have a child screaming about the "itchy bitchy spider" at the top of her lungs. FML

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By Anon - 15/3/2016 06:52 - United States - Pasco

Today, my boyfriend and I were reminiscing and sharing funny stories of when we were little. It was then that he told me he used to be flexible enough to suck his own weiner. FML

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By mikay1413 - 8/10/2019 20:00

Gullible's travels

Today, my step-sister asked me what an organ donor was. I told her it's someone who delivers pianos. She believed me. FML

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By lostintdot - 31/7/2014 11:38 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to, I asked a seemingly pleasant-looking lady where the nearest library was. She told me to get lost, and started laughing. Then said she was just joking and gave me directions. I'm now standing in front of a gay strip joint. FML

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By aussie worker - 23/3/2017 14:00

Today, it was my first day at a new job as a waitress for a wedding function centre. As I was opening the door to collect dirty plates from the guests, I bumped into a colleague carrying a tray full of full champagne glasses, all of which fell and smashed on the floor. FML

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By huulo - 16/11/2010 10:07

Today, I was getting ready for the school swimming carnival and was running very late. I reached for my deodorant and sprayed it on. It was only when I was at the pool that I realized I had accidentally grabbed the spray tan and covered my underarms in it. FML

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By First World Problems - 8/1/2016 14:34 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I got my wisdom teeth out. Afterwards, my parents thought it would be a great idea to have my favourite meal. I got to watch them enjoy it. FML

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By pat - 9/3/2010 19:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I got fired from my job as a postman, which I started yesterday. They fired me because I failed to deliver a bunch of papers to a road that no longer exists. FML

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By lip - 24/12/2008 08:40 - France

Today, I was jerking off in the train washroom when the ticket inspector knocked at the door. I was nearly done so I didn't open right away. I didn't think he would have the key…I found myself face to face with him and three other passengers. The worst being I didn't have a ticket. FML

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By Mia - 28/7/2013 06:18 - United States - Laurel

Today, I was mistaken for my twin brother twice. This probably wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a girl. FML

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By eww. - 22/3/2013 05:28 - Australia

Today, I kissed my gorgeous new boyfriend for the first time. I ran my hands through his hair; a multitude of dandruff rained out and five lice crawled onto my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2013 22:25 - United States - Statham

Today, my son's lemonade stand was robbed by a senior citizen. FML

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By anonymous - 23/4/2013 21:07 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I went to my grandmom's house for an hour or so. When I came home, my boyfriend was on the bed, covered in the sheets and about to cry. Turns out he taped his ballsack to his leg and couldn't get it off because it "hurts too much." I'm 24 and he's 26. FML

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By midnightblade163 - 13/1/2016 12:06 - Australia - Caringbah

Today, at work a customer yelled at me, called me a 'fucking bitch', 'a fat whore', and, told me to lose weight because I wouldn't let her in the grocery store I work at to buy lettuce, after we'd closed. Lettuce for her lizard. FML

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By Username - 6/8/2011 07:09 - United States

Today, my mom picked up my dog from the groomers. I came home to find a small female terrier on our couch. My dog is a full grown male maltese. What's worse is that it took me a full 20 minutes to convince my mom that she had picked up the wrong dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2009 05:51 - United States

Today, my neighbors were busted for a meth lab in their garage. Yesterday, I signed the mortgage. Welcome to our new neighborhood, kids. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6661199 - Saturday 30 July 2016 8:35

This sounds like the worst superhero origin story. Like, you could be Spider-Man's terrible sidekick, Mosquito-Balls. Your catchphrase would be "My balls itch, so trouble must be a-buzzing!"

By nrg2395 | 5

#6661167 - Saturday 30 July 2016 8:13

at least you got the succ

COMMENTS

By nrg2395 | 5

#6661167 - Saturday 30 July 2016 8:13

at least you got the succ

Reply

SauceySarah | 30

#6661265 - Saturday 30 July 2016 10:36

I just choked reading this comment.

Reply

_EnderDoge | 22

#6661292 - Saturday 30 July 2016 12:03

#14: On the balls? Bad joke, I know.

By Jaraxxus_fml | 15

#6661168 - Saturday 30 July 2016 8:15

Aw man that sucks.

Reply

Skycop_S | 23

#6661237 - Saturday 30 July 2016 9:34

No.

By SwitchHunter | 12

#6661172 - Saturday 30 July 2016 8:18

Gotta suck em' all

By cooltatgar | 30

#6661179 - Saturday 30 July 2016 8:21

2nd worst place to get a mosquito bite.
1st being the dong.

Reply

GabenNewell2001 | 8

#6661218 - Saturday 30 July 2016 8:56

the dongerlord?

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6661395 - Saturday 30 July 2016 17:02

You mean worst for the mosquito? Because everyone knows to never bite the Donger.

By TheGamingGamer | 28

#6661190 - Saturday 30 July 2016 8:28

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Tripartita | 44

#6661199 - Saturday 30 July 2016 8:35

This sounds like the worst superhero origin story. Like, you could be Spider-Man's terrible sidekick, Mosquito-Balls. Your catchphrase would be "My balls itch, so trouble must be a-buzzing!"

Reply

interesting33 | 36

#6661710 - Sunday 31 July 2016 1:44

''I know I have a power, I can feel it in my balls!" (Nathan, Misfits)

Reply

ArbiterOfFML | 24

#7467784 - Friday 9 June 2017 17:56

XD

By cornyrob | 33

#6661205 - Saturday 30 July 2016 8:38

Did you return the favor?

By Unbansawsage | 16

#6661213 - Saturday 30 July 2016 8:45

Doesn't matter had sex

By EvilLittleMan | 23

#6661216 - Saturday 30 July 2016 8:54

Better than waking up with Lorena Bobbitt down there.

By MitchRapp | 20

#6661240 - Saturday 30 July 2016 9:43

Sleep naked because of the heat? Or sleep with clothes to help with bugs? We better resurrect President Kennedy to find the answer.