Work and Money: Today, after a night of heavy drinking, I woke up at 2am to find... - FML

By Wtf - Australia - Peakhurst

Today, after a night of heavy drinking, I woke up at 2am to find my desk on fire. Thinking I'd forgotten a lit candle, I threw water to extinguish the flames. It turns out it was the reflection of the streetlight through the window. My laptop is ruined. FML

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Dangling modifier

Our house, is a very very very fine house

Small town blues

By not on life, that's for fucking sure - United States

That went well

Today, I went to a big job interview. As I walked in, I tripped and fell flat on my face. Other highlights include my voice cracking multiple times, sweating profusely and getting uncontrollable nervous giggling. The interviewer eventually stared at me in disbelief and asked if I was high. FML

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By samboob - United States

Today, I saw one of those candies that you spray on your tongue. Only after spraying some in my mouth did I find it was actually perfume. FML

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By Anon - United States - Southbury

Today, I was laughing at a girl who really sucks at badminton. Turns out she has anger issues, and a really good aim when she's mad. I've never been hit so hard in the crotch before. FML

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By say no to indoctrination - 22/8/2020 20:02 - United States

Indoctrination

Today, I was called everything from a communist to a nazi to a national traitor for suggesting that kids shouldn’t be forced to recite the pledge of allegiance at school until they’re old enough to truly understand what it means. Someone even threatened to kick my ass for speaking up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me to dinner. There was a beautifully decorated table with rose petals and a huge bouquet and he told me he had ordered all this for me. I'd never felt so special. That is, until I had to get up for the couple whose table it actually was. FML

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By offendedfemme - United States

Today, I was walking with my husband, holding hands, when a man with a rainbow shirt on came up to us. He said, "I'm so glad that gay men can go out in public without being embarassed nowdays!" He patted me on the back and walked away. I'm a woman. FML

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By In Pain - United States

Today, I had gum surgery. I can't laugh. I can't smile. I can't talk. I can't eat. All I can do is wait for the pain medication to kick in. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 14:11

Free healthcare for all

Today, I had to attend an appointment and was told I should be prepared to be in hospital all day, so I booked a day off work. The appointment was trivial and lasted 10 minutes. I work paycheque to paycheque to feed myself and 2 kids, and even missing one day will hurt by the end of the month. FML

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By Mark - United States - Sparks

Today, while I was vacuuming, my cat got scared and tripped me. I landed on the vacuum handle between my legs. Not walking too well right now. FML

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By scot - United States - Granby

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend in the bathroom, we heard a knock at the door, then her father's voice. I had to fake constipation noises until he left. FML

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By BlueBirdWings - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. He held a Kool Fruit in his teeth, and motioned for me to kiss him, so he could put it in my mouth. Just as he was about to do this, I inhaled. He then had to watch me dry retching, trying to get it back up. FML

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By gayboii - United Kingdom

Today, while at a boring lecture, I heard some people behind me whispering and laughing. I turned around, wondering what was so funny, which made them laugh even more. I then realised it looked like I'd been giving my pen a blowjob for the last 10 minutes. FML

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By disgruntled

Today, my boss is writing me up for not signing a report before I left work. He refused to print the report that day, and I don't have access to the printers. FML

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By Ghost - United States

Today, I was at my 10 year high school reunion. I saw the girl I used to have a BIG crush on, so I decided to go over and say hi. She screams when she sees me. Then, she starts hitting me, looking panicked. I control her and ask why she's hitting me. She says 'Everyone thought you were dead!' FML

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By Stuckism - Malaysia

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. The help-line tells me, "Don't touch the door. We'll be there soon". Two hours later, I've got a headache, my legs are stiff and my date must think I stood her up. The tech finally arrives, pries the door open, then rudely asks, "Why didn't you do that yourself?" FML

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By Christin Deason

A Tale of Two Nutritionists

Today, a friend criticized my detox method, calling it "unhealthy and unsafe." Recently, she made a post bragging about her dieting method, which is also very unhealthy and unsafe. I told her she was being a hypocrite. She unfriended and blocked me. FML

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By DidntCheckTheCalendar - Kuwait

Today, I hired a professional makeup artist to apply my makeup for a wedding. After paying her $500 for the excellent job she does, and getting dressed, I grabbed the invitation to check out the address, and it said the wedding was on December 2. Today is December 3. FML

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By kaitlynn - France

Today, at four in the morning, I was asleep with my boyfriend beside me. I started yelling at him in my sleep and broke up with him. When I woke up, he was gone. FML

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By mommabuser

Today, my daughter's hamster pulled the water bottle off the glass, so I decided to super-glue the bottle back on. We came back an hour later to see if it had stuck, only to find both the bottle and rodent glued to the glass. FML

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By Tytonic - United States - Havertown

First dates

Today, after my first dinner with my new girlfriend, I was using a toothpick when I fell, stabbing the roof of my mouth. She then laughed at me, as there was so much blood. FML

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By jellybeans - 21/3/2021 21:31

Thanks for the pranks

Today, I've been sexting a mysterious guy from New Jersey. I was getting hot, so I decided to say, "I want you to be my first." Suddenly, my officemate who was two desks away from me waved her phone in hand and shouted, "You're a virgin?" FML

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By festival virgin - United Kingdom

Today, I gave my boyfriend our festival tickets to keep hold of while I excitedly went home to get ready. He took someone else. FML

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By fuckoffandfuckoffagainyoucunt - United Kingdom - Sittingbourne

Today, I was at the gym, when a pretty overweight guy started staring and eventually taunting me. Let me tell you, lines such as "Lay off the cake, fatty!" and "I can see your gut hanging out your ass, for fuck's sake!" don't exactly boost one's self-confidence. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Stourport

Today, I won a meal for two in a raffle. I had no one to go with. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend told me he was too busy studying for finals, but that he'd take me out another day instead. He later drunk-dialled me from a party demanding a lift back home. FML

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By CrazyInLove - United States - Castle Rock

Today, I overcame my lack of social confidence and got a date for the first time in 10 or so years. After a while, my date admitted that she's a schizophrenic with dissociative identity disorder. I guess it's back to being single. FML

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By - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I had a meeting with HR that resulted in me being dismissed for poor performance. I was confused because up until that point, my line manager had said my performance was exemplary. Turns out it wasn't, and he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to be stressed. FML

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By omgboobs - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that when my nipples are hard, he thinks that they look like giant zits, and when he squeezes them, he imagines them popping pus. He then reached for my chest. FML

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By friedbutter - Canada - Pickering

Today, my husband thought it would be funny to tell my 10-year-old son that if he wanted to get girls, he had to do the Gangnam Style. My son has now non-stop been doing the Gangnam Style. FML

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By fucking har har, dad - Australia

Today, two days after leaving hospital with a broken left leg, I tripped and fell heavily on the floor. My dad quickly asked if I'd broken my other leg. When I reassured him that I hadn't, he disappointedly muttered that it would've been a hilarious story to tell his friends at work. FML

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By eh - Azerbaijan - Baku

Today, my laziness reached a whole new level when I caught myself skipping the longer FML stories to read the shorter ones. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the water was shut off, so I had to wash down my anti convulsants, anti depressants and sleep aids with an old, flat, non-alcoholic beer from the night before. I don't think I've ever had a more mentally dysfunctional cocktail. FML

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By Missy - United States

Today, I told my mom I broke up with my boyfriend because he wanted to have sex and I wasn't ready. Her reply? "Well, you can't stay a virgin forever." FML

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By heartbrokenhaley - United States - Brockton

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years told me that since I've proven my loyalty and faithfully stuck by his side, he has no reason to ever consider marrying me, because "It's not like you're going anywhere, honey." He seems not to understand why I am upset by this. FML

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By Spooderman - United States

Today, my son wanted to be Spiderman. He found the biggest spider he could outside and let it bite his hand. He's staying overnight in the hospital. FML

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By WTF - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, I had to eat my breakfast in terrified silence, as my hungover mother staggered into the room, shouted at the kettle for not boiling fast enough, and after a few seconds, screamed that I'd sabotaged it. I'm now grounded for supposedly trying to fuck with her head. FML

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By lancus - 7/6/2020 14:06

Patriotic ass

Today, my 6-year-old daughter and I were leaving a swimming pool when we passed the front desk, where there was a Canadian flag. She said, "Look daddy! A maple leaf! Just like on your ass!” I forgot that she knew about my tattoo and the flag. We ran out as people burst out laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, I walked into the restroom at work, only to find my boss stroking and playing with himself. I have my annual performance assessment with him in an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sat right next to the door on the bus. When I went to get up, a man tripped and pushed me down the exit door stairs. I fell down and legitimately broke my ankle. While tending to my ankle, the bus doors closed and my backpack with my laptop, notes and calculator drove away. FML

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By Mightytall

It's always when your hands are full that your nose starts to itch

Today, I found the perfect position on the couch, both feet up comfortably and my two cats curled up in my lap. Then, my foot started to itch. FML

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Top comments

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7598128 - Monday 12 February 2018 15:06

Needless to say, you were even more shitfaced than a gay man's condom.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7598131 - Monday 12 February 2018 15:16

It's think before you drink, not drink before you think.

COMMENTS

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7598128 - Monday 12 February 2018 15:06

Needless to say, you were even more shitfaced than a gay man's condom.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7598131 - Monday 12 February 2018 15:16

It's think before you drink, not drink before you think.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7598157 - Monday 12 February 2018 16:17

Invite your homeowner’s insurance agent over for drinks and claim you lost your laptop in a fire. Hopefully, they’ll be drunk enough to agree to pay!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7598176 - Monday 12 February 2018 17:22

Have you tried rebooting your laptop? It might do the trick.

Reply

Glowworm56 | 25

#7598190 - Monday 12 February 2018 18:06

How about rebooting your brain too while you're at it?

Reply

tounces7 | 27

#7599307 - Thursday 15 February 2018 6:26

Why was this downvoted so much? It's a corny joke referring to "technical support", yes, but that's it.

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7598204 - Monday 12 February 2018 18:57

Anything that involves heavy drinking is an automatic YDI.

By S6eyrkkht | 12

#7598240 - Monday 12 February 2018 20:50

standing there, sobering up... staring at your laptop like a stroke victims cum face frozen in time!

By i8cake | 12

#7598493 - Tuesday 13 February 2018 15:29

no amount of rice can save you from your inibriated judgement!

By Bubbilility | 27

#7599291 - Thursday 15 February 2018 5:13

Mirror mirror on the wall, who has the hottest laptop of them all?
Not you.

By tounces7 | 27

#7599306 - Thursday 15 February 2018 6:24

"Today, after a night of heavy drinking"

You know, I really only had to read this far before clicking "YDI".

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7600471 - Saturday 17 February 2018 15:12

"Today, after a night of heavy drinking." Instant YDI.