Today, after a night of heavy drinking, I woke up at 2am to find... - FML

By Wtf - 13/2/2018 03:56 - Australia - Peakhurst

Today, after a night of heavy drinking, I woke up at 2am to find my desk on fire. Thinking I'd forgotten a lit candle, I threw water to extinguish the flames. It turns out it was the reflection of the streetlight through the window. My laptop is ruined. FML

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You snooze, you lose

Toxic parents

Ambien conversations are the worst

By Anonymous - 15/3/2015 18:40 - United States - Charleston

Today, a guy beat the crap out of me for supposedly sleeping with his girlfriend. I didn't get a chance to tell him my brother lives with me and that he had the wrong guy. When my brother got home, he didn't ask if I was okay, but rather if the guy was coming back for him. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2009 06:07 - United States

Today, my 8-year-old sister learned how to type her name into a phone using the number key-pad. I later found my phone on the kitchen counter with all my contacts under her name. FML

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By mrs14 - 11/9/2012 02:04 - United States

Today, I spent five minutes sitting in my car, panicking and tearing my purse apart because I couldn't find my keys. I then found them. They were in the ignition, and the car was running. FML

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By madbabynoel - 25/3/2016 15:06 - United States - Clovis

Today, my only friend got banned from my house, all because she kissed her boyfriend in front of me. I'm 16, but apparently I can't handle seeing a kiss. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2015 11:11 - United States

Today, some wannabe molester actually used the "Do you know who my dad is?!" line on me as I threw him out of a club. Turns out his dad is my boss's brother. I'm now searching for a new job. FML

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By charlatan - 19/8/2018 01:30

What's in a name?

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She asked me what year I was born in, then brutally rejected me. Apparently it's because my name wasn't in the top 20 baby names for my birth year. FML

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By Cat Ashes - 5/12/2013 05:18 - United States - Dewitt

Today, I received an unexpected package from my mother. It contained my cat's ashes. Apparently he died 3 weeks ago and she thought this was the best way to tell me. FML

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By stillfuckingcrying - 24/2/2013 21:20 - Sweden - Kristdala

Today, my boyfriend made me play Slender. I was so terrified, I stopped playing 10 minutes in. Tonight, I kept hearing noises outside. When I peered out through the window, a bald figure in a suit was staring back at me. I shrieked in absolute terror; he burst out laughing. It was my boyfriend. FML

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By Whosthegroom - 13/5/2011 01:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent out a mass text to everyone on her contact list. She's getting married in a month. I didn't propose to her. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2010 14:03 - Canada

Today, I'm the only one at work in a small office. The water tank sprung a leak. Guess who had to call the boss and get instructions via cell phone to turn it off? I can't even leave the office to change my soaked clothes, because I need to wait for an important phone call. Seven hours to go. FML

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By instinct - 12/6/2013 03:06 - Australia - Doncaster East

Today, after years of faking pleasure with my boyfriend, I visited the gynaecologist. As soon as she touched my privates I instinctively let out a fake moan. FML

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By nil mil - 23/9/2019 22:02

Crazy ex's girlfriend

Today, I sent my ex's mom several pics of the kids from our recent outing. Being the kids' grandmother, she loved them. Later, I got a barrage of angry, insulting and threatening texts from my ex's new girlfriend, saying that since he and I are no longer together, I should have no contact with his family. FML

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By tiredmomma - 21/7/2016 21:30 - United States - Boston

Today, is my one day off for the week. My mother in law is visiting, and has decided we need to rearrange my living room. FML

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By Jaden Dubin - 31/7/2020 08:02

Animal Farm

Today, I found a mouse stuck in a glue trap at work. I had to take it home to get it off with oil, and then I released it outside. Twenty minutes later, the cat returned it to me, dead. After that, the dogs dug it up where I buried it. Sorry, mouse. FML

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By jaqlove - 2/7/2016 20:28 - United States - Clementon

Today, I woke up with a cockroach in my ear. FML

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By anonymous.. - 3/9/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, my mom told me I was conceived on Halloween. She thought it would be funny to say "Let's just say your dad was not wearing his ghost costume." She then winked. I am now scarred for life. FML

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By shanxi - 23/5/2012 18:47 - United States

Today, I was discharged from the hospital after having scrotal surgery. When I got home, the anesthetic had worn off, but I felt okay. Then my dog jumped up at me, paws slamming straight into my nuts. FML

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By Suzie - 18/2/2019 16:00

Today, the family posted my mother in law’s obituary. My husband was listed as a survivor, with no mention of me, while all the other spouses were named. Also listed as a survivor - his ex-wife. FML

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By O_O - 12/7/2013 20:15 - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend insisted that I start calling him "Professor Fucktard" in the bedroom. He seems to be dead serious about it. FML

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By Live02Dance - 25/6/2011 12:58 - United States

Today, my mother won't give me any painkillers for my migraine. She believes that "When medicine goes into your stomach, the acids stop the medicine from working" and that "It's all in people's heads when medicine works". FML

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By Heatherrolstonn - 29/5/2016 20:13 - United States - Suwanee

Today, I received an email asking for a Skype interview at 11 am sharp. I waited for half an hour. He never even accepted my contact request. FML

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By Depressed - 4/8/2011 11:45 - Sudan

Today, I arrived in Africa to start my new job. I agreed to come to a city with little to no electricity, and poor water for triple the money I was making in Canada. I just realized my boss and I negotiated in two completely different currencies, and I'm now making half of what I used to. FML

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By wormsick - 6/12/2009 09:16 - United States

Today, I found out my diet and exercise plan wasn't nearly as effective when it comes to weight loss as I had originally thought. It turns out what really accounts for all the weight I've been losing is tape worms. FML

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By howtobreakup - 11/4/2016 16:39 - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, my friend asked me for advice on how to break up with her boyfriend. I've never done it before so I googled it, my own boyfriend happened to walk in and now isn't speaking to me. He won't believe me when I say it was "for a friend." FML

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By superjstorm - 13/9/2009 14:00 - Philippines

Today, I went to the mall and couldn't find a parking spot. After circling around for 20 minutes, I finally saw a shaded spot in the uncovered parking lot area under a tree. It turns out, I parked under a coconut tree. I could tell from the coconut planted into my hood. FML

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By moorox45 - 16/1/2012 17:10 - United States

Today, I put on a pair of sneakers that I'd left outside, and went jogging. After several minutes of pain, I pulled off one of the sneakers, only to find dozens of baby spiders had moved in. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2014 14:39 - United States - Cottonwood

Today, I was going for my morning walk, when a guy in a massive truck drove up beside me, with a kid no more than 4 riding shotgun. I lost my faith in humanity when his tiny voice yelled through the window, "Nice ass!" FML

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By seriously?! - 11/2/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going to take me out somewhere special, so I called in sick for work. Turns out he had made reservations for the restaurant I worked at. FML

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By notabadserver - 31/3/2016 17:20 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the head chef at work yelled at me for not knowing the difference between two sauces. I couldn't win the argument, even after a coworker admitted to filling both bottles with the same sauce. FML

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By creepingjennie - 5/6/2020 02:00

Droopy

Today, I learned that working while taking muscle relaxers is not as fun as it sounds. FML

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By MySistersDogisStupid - 13/1/2017 22:00

Today, I took mine and my sister's dog for a walk in the park near my house. The dog managed to find a large piece of rotting, frozen meat buried in the snow and tried to eat it. I had to pry it from his mouth and can't get the smell out of my gloves and coat. FML

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By Flabbergasted - 6/2/2009 21:32 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has been having an affair with another woman. He works with me and the woman also works in the same company. She is also married and is now 6 months pregnant. They are throwing a baby shower for her on Monday. FML

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By Deborah - 27/10/2011 06:41 - United States

Today, I saw my upstairs neighbor outside getting the mail. She asked how my day was, and then apologized that the sound of her baby's crying through the walls kept me up last night. Apparently she heard me when I yelled at 2am for her fucking demon spawn to shut up. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2013 16:17 - United Kingdom - Uddingston

Today, I got dragged to dinner with my grandparents. It was awful from the start, but things took a turn for the worse when my grandpa went to give me a kiss on the cheek as we left. I could clearly see lice crawling around in his beard, and I couldn't stop it from touching my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2011 20:35 - United States

Today, my new coworker asked if I knew her daughter. I responded yes and asked how her pregnancy was going. She didn't know her daughter was pregnant. FML

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By Derps - 4/5/2011 09:11 - Denmark

Today, my mother said she called our internet provider, and told them to cancel it. In rage, I left for a friends house for a couple of hours. When I got home, she told me she was joking, and wanted me out of the house so she could eat all the ice-cream. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2009 04:28 - United States

Today, I took a nap with a kitten I just adopted from my mom's house. To make her feel more comfortable, I took a nap with her on my bed. In my dream, I kept smelling poo and I felt around on the bed to find the kitten. She apparently had diarrhea on my bed and I had stuck my hand in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2012 16:36 - United Kingdom

Today, a stuffed ferret was the latest addition to the list of weird items my colleagues have found in our rubbish tip, and that they put in my office. The list also includes explicit fetish porn playing cards, live ammo and dead pheasants, to name a few. I need a new job. FML

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By reisz618 - 31/5/2019 07:00

Today, I was at a barbecue and, unbeknownst to me, took a bite of really hot bacon. In my ensuing panic, I grabbed and took a swig of my friend's beer. It wasn't beer, at least not any more. She was using it as an ashtray, and I got a mouthful of cigarette butts. FML

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By Bliggins - 28/11/2012 03:08 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, someone very close to me came out of the closet. Normally I would fully support them, had we not just gotten married. FML

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Top comments

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7598128 - Monday 12 February 2018 15:06

Needless to say, you were even more shitfaced than a gay man's condom.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7598131 - Monday 12 February 2018 15:16

It's think before you drink, not drink before you think.

COMMENTS

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7598128 - Monday 12 February 2018 15:06

Needless to say, you were even more shitfaced than a gay man's condom.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7598131 - Monday 12 February 2018 15:16

It's think before you drink, not drink before you think.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7598157 - Monday 12 February 2018 16:17

Invite your homeowner’s insurance agent over for drinks and claim you lost your laptop in a fire. Hopefully, they’ll be drunk enough to agree to pay!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7598176 - Monday 12 February 2018 17:22

Have you tried rebooting your laptop? It might do the trick.

Reply

Glowworm56 | 25

#7598190 - Monday 12 February 2018 18:06

How about rebooting your brain too while you're at it?

Reply

tounces7 | 26

#7599307 - Thursday 15 February 2018 6:26

Why was this downvoted so much? It's a corny joke referring to "technical support", yes, but that's it.

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7598204 - Monday 12 February 2018 18:57

Anything that involves heavy drinking is an automatic YDI.

By S6eyrkkht | 12

#7598240 - Monday 12 February 2018 20:50

standing there, sobering up... staring at your laptop like a stroke victims cum face frozen in time!

By i8cake | 12

#7598493 - Tuesday 13 February 2018 15:29

no amount of rice can save you from your inibriated judgement!

By Bubbilility | 26

#7599291 - Thursday 15 February 2018 5:13

Mirror mirror on the wall, who has the hottest laptop of them all?
Not you.

By tounces7 | 26

#7599306 - Thursday 15 February 2018 6:24

"Today, after a night of heavy drinking"

You know, I really only had to read this far before clicking "YDI".

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7600471 - Saturday 17 February 2018 15:12

"Today, after a night of heavy drinking." Instant YDI.