Alcohol, the best funniest jokes

780

Today, I found a pamphlet for alcohol counseling on my front door today. I think it was from the guys who pick up my recycling. FML

By I get the hint - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff

Boozehound

40628

12375

Today, I went kayaking with some friends, and I had an empty beer can dedicated to throwing cigarette butts in. After running out of beer, I took a big swig from the only can in my kayak. Twice. FML

By Jensen - 16/7/2021 07:01 - United States - Hoffman Estates

Need beer now

190

1257

Today, I found out I will always come in second to my new husband's alcoholic parents. FML

By MeLandes - 28/6/2021 14:01 - United States - Germantown

Family Matters

809

105

Today, my ultra-conservative aunt got rip-roaring drunk at a family barbecue and told everyone that I'm a "raging homosexual" with a lack a moral compass, all because I kissed a male friend at a high school party about 20 years ago. FML

By Anonymous - 28/6/2021 08:02 - Australia - Kenwick

Own it!

912

140

Today, I went to a bar to celebrate my 26th birthday. I got ripped off by the bartender all night because she secretly gave me non-alcoholic versions of my drinks. Apparently I look like I'm 16, so she thought my ID was fake. Happy birthday to me. FML

By Imnotfromhere - 13/6/2021 16:01

Sobering

916

162

Today, my boyfriend tried to confront me about my “drinking problem”. He claims that the last time he was at my place, I had a full bottle of rum and now it’s gone. He hasn’t spent the night at my house in over two months and it was a half bottle of Malibu. FML

By not an alchy - 9/5/2021 19:59

Boozehound

831

Today, and for almost 6 years, my wife and I have had issues fighting when we’re drunk. I’ve always gotten/accepted the blame. I quit drinking to try and better our marriage. Now she wants a divorce. FML

By yup0308 - 30/4/2021 23:01 - United States - Byron Center

Can't win

854

101

Today, I stopped taking prescription narcotics for pain, which make you constipated. I also enjoyed a few beers. Because of this collaboration, I had a very painful first turd followed by a flow of burning liquid. I cried. FML

By bubba7901 - 19/3/2021 10:59

Hot lava

762

278

Today, I got the hiccups at work no fewer than ten times in a row. I'm a cashier and not allowed to leave to go get water. Not only that, but I was called into the office to discuss my “drinking problem.” I don’t drink. FML

By maddie - 14/3/2021 21:30

A slight hiccup

920

Today, I found out that while some people make out with others when drunk, I apparently sing a weird mash up between "Bad Romance" and Terry Pratchett’s Hedgehog song. My friends recorded it and posted it on Instagram. FML

By Lightweight - 8/3/2021 20:02

We need to see the video!

596

285

Today, it was my birthday, and even the person who seemed excited about me finally turning 21 and can legally drink forgot. Guess who got drunk alone tonight? This guy. FML

By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 07:58 - United States - Edison

Booze don't cure the blues

727

126

Today, I overheard a co-worker tell the new guy not to talk to me because I'm a bitch. Apparently, she didn't like it when I told her two weeks ago that she had a drinking problem, which was affecting her work ethic. FML

By Kayladuh - 9/2/2021 21:30

The bitch is back

813

211

Today, my fiancé refused to talk to me because I'm "an alcoholic". I only started drinking like this after we moved in together and he brought me alcohol every day, because he's an alcoholic. FML

By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 17:01

Boozehounds

642

300

Today, I know my life is awesome when my partner and I have to plan watching movies and having sex around his drinking schedule. FML

By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 02:01

Alcoholics of the world, get help

793

189

Today, it's my wife's birthday. She also sleepwalks, sleep eats and sleep drinks. This morning, her subconscious remembered it was her birthday and wanted to celebrate in style. I found my $200 bottle of Johnny Walker Blue was missing 3". She doesn't remember drinking it. I'm so glad she enjoyed it. FML

By I-Love-My-Wife - 14/1/2021 10:56

My booze

643

225

Today, I found out that last night, when I drank a bit too much and blacked out, I freaked out about "losing my tampon in my vagina" and made my boyfriend fish through to look for it. I had already taken it out before then, and was too drunk to realize. He told me he almost called 911. FML

By Anonymous - 21/12/2020 14:01

Drunken antics

304

977

Today, my alcoholic dad finally came to see to my last dance recital after years of never showing up to watch me. He got kicked out of the audience for snoring too loud. I could hear him from the stage. FML

By Anonymous - 17/12/2020 22:58 - Canada - Newmarket

Bored

1044

Today, I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend full-on peeing into our tiny trash bin. The trash bin was basket material, so the pee was all over the floor. Once he'd finished, he went to bed, passed out and left me to clean it all up. FML

By Anonymous - 10/12/2020 11:02 - Canada - Sherbrooke

Drunken antics

780

120

Today, one of my fiancé's groomsmen is an alcoholic, and my fiance is in denial about it. He's a nice guy when sober, but belligerent, disrespectful and out of control when drinking. My fiancé refuses to acknowledge my anxiety at having him in our wedding with an open bar. FML

By SleeplessinNJ - 10/12/2020 05:01 - United States - Raritan

Bad Moon Rising

818

Today, my 11-year-old cousin walked up to me as I was enjoying a glass of wine with friends at my mother's birthday party. Thinking she wouldn't like it anyway, I let her try. The little fucker drank the entire glass in one go, adding, "Usually, daddy gives me vodka." Good to know what my family is up to. FML

By Anonymous - Croatia

Family values

1575

571

Today, my dad got extremely drunk, so I took away his car keys and left on foot. When I came back, I saw that he had broken down my door. Now my dad is mad at me for not giving him the keys when he was drunk, and I'm door-less. FML

By DevilsTemptation - United Kingdom - Dundee

Drunken antics

1675

122

Today, I found out why I get so red all over at parties. Turns out I'm allergic to alcohol. FML

By Anonymous

1749

189

Today, my rather large boss told me how the company needs to save money, how we are going downhill fast, even suggesting that we might go bankrupt very soon. He then went on to ask me to go get him some very expensive scotch using the company credit card to, "help him cope with the stress." FML

By knuckleheadknock

Helpful

9319

681

Today, I left a concert with my drunk mother who had spilled beer all over my shirt. I drove her home and she slept it off. Later, my mom "found" my shirt in the laundry and grounded me for drinking behind her back. She won't believe me that it was her. FML

By MagnusDeus - United States - San Francisco

Blackout drunk

27750

1742

Today, I went to a wine tasting for the first time. I copied the experienced people around me by swishing the wine around in my mouth, which I then choked on and spit out all over my white blouse. FML

By rookiemistake - United States - San Francisco

The mouthfeel

28880

10083

Today, my dad came home drunk off his ass. So drunk that he couldn't manage to open the refrigerator, and ended up punching it in a fit of rage. When I tried to calm him down and get him to bed, he told me to fuck off, and grounded me. FML

By FML - Puerto Rico - Cayey

Anger management

40570

3382

Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML

By car keyer - United States - Mary Esther

Why would I do that to me?

20720

54368

Today, I found out that my wife, who is supposed to be a recovering alcoholic, drank an entire bottle of wine and then tried to hide it at the bottom of a garbage bin. To make matters worse, when I confronted her about it, she tried to convince me that our 5-year-old daughter had drunk it. FML

By Matt8 - United States

Can't stop, won't stop

30327

2092

Today, not wanting to be known as a lightweight anymore, I started drinking with some guy friends. After one beer, I ended up in bed with one of them, who kindly put my bra back on for me after, as I was too sloshed. I'm no longer known as lightweight, but instead, the slutty drunk. FML

By Permafucked - United States

I get around

14867

85384