Work and Health: Fartmageddon.

Fartmageddon.

By dusty bean - 18/11/2017 05:00

Today, I held in an explosive fart during a co-worker's rant and waited a few seconds after he left the room to release the Kraken. Forgetting something, he returned mid-fart. Before either of us could say anything, our boss came into the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 644

You deserved it 586

Work Health

Midlife crisis

One each

Do me a solid

By badbirthday - 16/03/2009 20:51 - Canada

Today, is my 16th birthday. Thinking that my parents would be out of town for it like they had every other year, I decided it would be fun to tan nude in my backyard. Apparantly my parents set up a surprise party for my sweet 16. I was standing naked infront of half my school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 127 201

You deserved it 46 353

Safe working conditions

By Anonymous - 22/05/2021 06:01

Today, at work, yet another inappropriately stacked pallet fell on me. I thought for sure that I just hit a nerve. Nope, I fractured my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 897

You deserved it 54

By Anonymous - 03/03/2012 03:05 - United States

Today, I was chatting to my brother on Skype. Out of the blue, and just as I read the punchline to a hilarious joke, he said his girlfriend had been cheating on him. I couldn't stifle my side-splitting laughter, and he's been ignoring my calls since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 800

You deserved it 9 964

By booksandshadows - 04/03/2014 09:06 - United States - San Diego

Today, while walking through Wal-Mart I noticed a cute employee. With a sudden burst of confidence, I walked right up to him, intending to ask for his number. Instead, I looked him in the eye and said, "Excuse me sir, how much do you know about bedsheets?" and then ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 625

You deserved it 12 605

By xxmollyxx - 16/12/2010 11:54 - Sweden

Today, I dropped my remote behind the bed and went to reach for it. Instead of the remote, I grabbed hold of a rat carcass that must have got in when builders were working in my bathroom several weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 561

You deserved it 3 556

By noname - 18/02/2009 20:35 - United States

Today, I was feeling really upset and called my boyfriend. He said "Can you feel upset a little later? I'm watching a movie." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 226

You deserved it 6 023

By Master Debater - 01/02/2013 11:05 - Australia

Today, my grandmother walked in on me watching porn on my computer. She looked at the woman on the screen and said, "I used to have tits like that, but look what having 7 kids did to them." Now I'm scarred for life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 981

You deserved it 39 995

By Username - 08/10/2010 21:30 - France

Today, I learned the hard way that leaving eye drops in your car all day makes them scorching hot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 270

You deserved it 40 827

By Anonymous - 25/03/2015 12:23 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I got fired for having a visible tattoo on my neck. The tattoo in question is a scar from a surgery I had 2 months ago. The same one paid for by my employer's insurance and missed 2 weeks of work for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 262

You deserved it 2 262

By Anonymous - 30/03/2012 01:54 - United States - Natrona Heights

Today, I felt manly. I spent almost the entire day peeling paint, power sanding, and applying Spackle for my grandma. Strutting with masculinity, I headed for the shower, only to let out a womanly yelp at a spider hanging at eye level around a corner. Manliness gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 876

You deserved it 23 670

By Anonymous - 18/09/2017 01:30

Today, I realized that the random string of numbers I deleted in my phone notes a few months ago was actually the pin code to my new bank account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 200

You deserved it 2 692

By lonelynessinCA - 14/03/2011 18:31 - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I pretended I wanted to buy something from a telemarketer so that they would keep talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 963

You deserved it 9 764

By Scott - 15/09/2011 07:34 - United States

Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 210

You deserved it 6 382

By blinded - 05/07/2009 16:10 - United States

Today, my little brother learned that breaking a glow stick and emptying it into someone's eyes does not help them see in the dark. It's a good lesson, I just wish he hadn't used my eyes to learn it. The doctor says the burning feeling should go away in 3 or 4 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 683

You deserved it 5 044

By Anonymous - 27/01/2016 16:35 - United States - Overland Park

Today, at my daughter's fundraiser, I noticed that a guy with a face only a fist could love kept staring at her. I said "Beautiful, isn't she?" Before I could tell him to keep it in his damned pants, he replied "Hah. She's my girlfriend, dude. Total beast in the sack." Complete news to me on both counts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 682

You deserved it 3 309

By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 15:03 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my puppy went missing. I found him, unconscious but thankfully alive, in a taped-up box with no holes. My little brother eventually confessed to doing it because he wanted to sell my puppy on eBay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 384

You deserved it 1 413

By Oh. - 23/07/2019 02:00

Today, I told my dad that failing to kill yourself must be really awful, because you think you’ve failed your life and then you even fail your death. My dad who, as I recalled when he shot me a sour look, tried to commit suicide during his youth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 596

You deserved it 2 371

By hellostupid - 28/03/2013 08:19 - United States

Today, I had to convince my 20-year-old boyfriend that not only is his aquatic turtle a reptile, but that it's also cold-blooded and thus can't regulate its own temperature just by going into its shell. He still thinks I'm the stupid one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 903

You deserved it 4 794

Right in the cussy

By Anonymous - 01/04/2009 10:07 - Australia

Today, at work, the police were looking over video footage of an incident earlier in the day where a car had slammed hard into another one in the carpark. My manager came into the kitchen and asked if I wanted to come see it to for a laugh. The car that got hit was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 443

You deserved it 3 229

By ApparentlyEmo - 18/02/2010 06:06 - United States

Today, my mom called asking for advice on how to flirt with her personal trainer. I thought she was joking and asked her what Dad would think. Turns out they're getting divorced. They decided this three weeks ago. No one told me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 811

You deserved it 2 081

By Anonymous - 25/02/2012 21:19 - Virgin Islands British

Today, I saw a picture of my creepy uncle and me on Facebook, which he had captioned "me and my woman," and posted several lewd comments on. I guess he forgot I'm his friend on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 278

You deserved it 2 430

By Chicagoillinois - 03/01/2015 21:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my step-dad explained to me why he doesn't need to wash his body. He condescendingly said, "Well when you shampoo your hair, the soap runs down your body and cleans everything." He's 37 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 695

You deserved it 2 909

By Grounded - 05/09/2011 11:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother offered to pay for my tickets to go see my girlfriend who I haven't seen for 6 months. She was happy to pay for the £130 flight, but then refused half way through the purchase because she wasn't going to "let the buggers charge £13 extra" for using her credit card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 966

You deserved it 3 527

By nevergoingtopeeagain - 07/11/2013 00:16 - United States - Richmond

Today, I went to the bathroom on the way to class. After washing my hands, I couldn't figure out how to turn off the water. I finally resorted to asking a professor for help. She turned it off, looked me in the eyes and said, "Please don't tell me you're here on a scholarship." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 611

You deserved it 35 961

By WasteOMoney - 04/07/2011 01:50 - United States

Today, my son called me from medical school, asking for a new phone. Why? Because he dropped it in the toilet. How? Trying to videotape his anus while taking a dump. I pay $80,000 a year just to hear he took a dump on his phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 667

You deserved it 6 225

By Anonymous - 29/05/2013 04:32 - United States - Sparta

Today, I went to the Doctor's for a mole my husband had said was, "growing and changing color". It turned out to be a wood tick. My husband knew, but said it was too "icky" to take off himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 529

You deserved it 7 756

By m - 05/08/2012 00:44 - United States - South Whitley

Today, my mom's intense fear of tornadoes caused her to break into the bathroom, drag me off the toilet while I was changing my tampon, and drag me to the basement with my pants around my ankles to join my father, brother, and my brother's best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 152

You deserved it 1 996

By curseyousuperman - 01/04/2015 16:20 - United States - Conway

Today, my self-esteem issues got me jealous of Superman's hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 781

You deserved it 6 648

By hungry - 15/08/2016 03:03 - United States - Waverly

Today, my husband offered to do the weekly grocery shopping. Because he has never done the shopping before, I made him a list of what we needed and other optional foods to give him an idea of what to get. He came back with a week's worth of ramen noodles and 2 litres of soda. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 938

You deserved it 2 183

By Anonymous - 05/06/2018 01:30

Today, I decided to not hang in the library after school like I usually do. When I got home, I found my father cheating on my mother with my girlfriend, who said she was gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 033

You deserved it 340

By Rehab - 11/02/2010 19:58 - United States

Today, I was looking through my computer's history to find a website I had visited. I found an online forum where my son was discussing how to inject Oxycontin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 327

You deserved it 3 717

By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 20:11 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I introduced my dad, who is a surgeon, to the TV show House. I thought it'd be a good bonding experience. How wrong I was. He spent the whole time yelling about the "insane" medical inaccuracies, then lectured me about my crappy taste in TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 021

You deserved it 10 103

By Tejanoswhy - 18/12/2015 18:16

Today, I found out why my history grade is so low: the kid in front of me takes my homework, writes his name on it, and passes it off as his own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 701

You deserved it 1 807

By Whipped Cream - 24/11/2012 05:38 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I took a picture of myself wearing a whipped cream bra with cherry nipples, captioned, "I hope you enjoyed your dinner, now how about some dessert???" I meant to send it to my fiancé. I sent it by mistake to my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 295

You deserved it 49 519

By Crushed - 04/11/2016 14:23

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for months invited me on a group hiking trip this weekend so that she won't be the most out of shape person on the trail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 812

You deserved it 1 143

Belly bounce

By Anonymous - 27/10/2021 05:00 - United States - Verona

Today, I learned that a innie belly button does not clean itself. I can't begin to describe the horrors I found, after using tweezers to get thirty years worth of "contents" out from inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 217

You deserved it 1 326

By Anonymous - 24/04/2013 18:49 - United States - Rice Lake

Today, my husband tried to annoy me by slurping on his almost-finished drink. I yelled at him to knock it off. Later, our daughter told her class that mommy and daddy had been fighting about his drinking during breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 386

You deserved it 6 535

By WhyThankYou - 26/07/2013 05:31 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I was having dinner at a long-time friend's place. In a matter of 15 minutes, her mom had managed to establish unequivocally that three kinds of people were ruining the world: vegetarians, atheists and homosexuals. I'm all three rolled into one. She knows that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 128

You deserved it 16 104

By k.love - 22/06/2010 12:59 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's apartment to surprise him with breakfast only to find that his other girlfriend had beat me to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 450

You deserved it 4 355

By anon. - 17/01/2012 23:41 - United States

Today, I found out if I refuse my boyfriend anything in public, he will continually yell out, "Penis!" until he gets his way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 075

You deserved it 8 760

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

sumocj 14

Send a private message

Saturday 18 November 2017 6:06

Man did you hear that asshole talking shit?!

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Saturday 18 November 2017 5:10

Look at the boss, point at your co-worker and shout, “He did it!”

Comments

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Saturday 18 November 2017 5:10

Look at the boss, point at your co-worker and shout, “He did it!”

sumocj 14

Send a private message

Saturday 18 November 2017 6:06

Man did you hear that asshole talking shit?!

Lobby_Bee 17

Send a private message

Saturday 18 November 2017 12:20

Sharing means caring. You have a heart of gold.

Glowworm56 25

Send a private message

Saturday 18 November 2017 12:53

"Release the Kraken!" is a rather creative way to express letting one rip.

tonyfan00 38

Send a private message

Saturday 18 November 2017 18:15

Well, that stinks.

manb91uk 22

Send a private message

Saturday 18 November 2017 19:17

It’s OK, unless he’s a member of a really disgusting family, he won’t know it was you..

ThrottleJockey 34

Send a private message

Saturday 18 November 2017 20:01

YDI, don't you know that only Liam Neeson has the authority to release the Kraken?

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 47

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 888

You deserved it 176

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 145

You deserved it 1 432