By dusty bean

Fartmageddon.

Today, I held in an explosive fart during a co-worker's rant and waited a few seconds after he left the room to release the Kraken. Forgetting something, he returned mid-fart. Before either of us could say anything, our boss came into the room. FML

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Social distancing done right

Grow up

Dog whisperer

By cmilla - United States

Today, I was setting up comcast cable boxes for my house. I had the packaging everywhere when I finished. Looking admirably at my job, I backed out my door, and stepped on bubble wrap, scaring myself. I flailed, fell, reached out, grabbing one of the cable wires. I pulled the cable box and my modem off. FML

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By maninpain - Kenya

Today, after a root canal, I went to the pharmacy for some pain killers. The cute girl behind the counter asked what I needed. When I opened my mouth to tell her, a wave of drool hurtled out and splattered on the counter. FML

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By youmakemesick - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 4 years. Her response? First, she threw up all over me and then she started crying hysterically. I'll take that as a no. FML

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By psychworker - United States

Today, while at work, I was asked if I wanted to leave early. I said no and let my co-worker go instead. Two hours later, I was punched in the face by one of my patients with absolutely no warning or provocation. FML

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By nolinguist - Austria

Today, I arrived in Austria. Within about an hour, I realized that I couldn't understand any "German". Turns out they have a totally different dialect here to anything I was taught in school. I'm here till May. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

FML: Uncensored

Today, while spending the night at a friend's house, I was woken up by someone kicking me. I figured she was having a nightmare, and since we were sharing a bed, I reached over to wake her up. Turns out it was her boyfriend trying to push me off the bed because they were having sex. FML

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By Eric Forrest - United States

Today, while at a work meeting, I finally summoned up the courage to share and express my opinions about unprofessionalism in the office. After the meeting, I went to clean up, only to notice in the bathroom mirror that I'd had a booger pasted across my forehead throughout the meeting. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Holyoke

Today, I was told that when I was in middle school and thought I was considered class clown for either making jokes or acting stupid, people thought I actually was stupid and/or mentally challenged. FML

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By crazylobster - Australia

Today, I noticed that in my cover letter I wrote "I also have an eye.", instead of "I also have an eye for details.", and I have been sending it out for the past few weeks. No wonder I haven't gotten any replies. FML

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By Protectress - United States

Today, while going around trying to find a job, a manager came up to ask me, "Are you looking to work here?" I nodded happily, hoping this would be the end of my search. She looked me up and down, saw I had a jacket on to hide my tattoos and said, "Sorry, I can't hire heroin addicts." FML

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By argh - Canada

Today, I had a seizure at work. My boss walked by and saw me, but didn't help or do anything because he thought I was "picking something up off the floor." FML

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By mahanaaa_23 - United States - Honolulu

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years proposed to me. Less than 3 hours later, he panicked and made me give the ring back. FML

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By QuestionMyLife - United States

Today, I walked into my bedroom and realized I really needed to clean it. As I started to pick everything up off of the floor, I tripped over a shoe, slipped on a water bottle, pulled down my shoe rack and landed in my armoire. My room is now dirtier than it was when I started. FML

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By happyasaclam - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were hooking up while watching a movie. Just as I was getting really into it, he told me to move my head. He couldn't see the television. FML

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By babysitter - United States

Today, I was twenty minutes into babysitting my twin baby cousins when I realized that there are no diapers to be found anywhere in the house. I have no way to get a hold of my aunt, no money to buy new diapers, and I don't even have a way to get to the store in the first place. The next few hours are going to be lovely. FML

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By FANZZY - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I learned that when someone is choking you don't do the "hymen maneuver", you do the "heimlich maneuver". I was corrected by my girlfriend's parents. FML

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By dannyboy - United Kingdom - Saint Austell

Today, an old lady savagely shoved me out of a queue, after I'd been waiting for twenty minutes. I couldn't bring myself to fight back or say anything, and ended up dragging my sorry arse to the back of the queue. FML

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By BAMN2187 - United States

Today, my dad asked me when I was going to start looking for a job. Jokingly, I told him next year. He got pissed, started to yell, then realized Tuesday is New Year's Day and grounded me for "being a dumbass." FML

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By -__- - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered the real reason my husband was distraught last week and has been acting moodily ever since. An attractive girl he was secretly having sex chats with online confessed to him that "she" was actually a guy. FML

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By IHateMyJob - United States

Today, while scrubbing my car with the foam brush at a car wash, the hose for the brush came whipping around and smacked me hard in the side of the head, knocking off my glasses. I got disoriented from the blow and stepped on my glasses, completely smashing them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a letter of complaint from my landlord. It said my loud, obnoxious trampling is disturbing my downstairs neighbor, and I have to stop. I'm small and hardly weigh anything, but it seems that if I want to keep my lease, I'll have to master the art of levitating. FML

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By RuinedTheMood - United States - Tomball

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex in the early hours of the morning. He said "Morning sex is the best thing to wake up to." Without thinking, I responded "Yeah, unless you're in prison." He lost his erection due to laughing so hard and now can't look at me without laughing. FML

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By R2A8 - Kenya

Today, after I got lectured about not replying on the family group chat, I decided to wish everyone a good morning. No one responded. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lincoln

Today, I asked my dad why he only has pictures of me from when I was a little kid. Without skipping a beat, he said, "I only keep pictures from when I liked you." FML

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By hotelbound - United States - Florissant

Today, my house was damaged by a tornado. I called my mother to see if I could stay with her for a few days. Her response? "I warned you not to move in with a man. This is God's way of punishing you." I've been married to said man for almost a year now. FML

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By ilikeirishducks - Italy

Today, I had a bath in the bathroom we are currently renovating. There's a big hole in the middle of the floor. When I got out of the bath, I swung one leg across the gap to get a towel from the rack. I drew back my leg and looked down to see my brother's hot friend staring up at me in horror. FML

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By oops - South Africa

Today, my boyfriend opened the car door in a very kind and loving way. What wasn't so kind and loving was that my hand was still half-way when he closed it. FML

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By dentistvictim - Norway

Today, I went to the school dentist for the yearly routine check. She took ages trying to clean out my teeth with the metal toothpick-thing, constantly hitting my gums. After half an hour of pain and spitting blood, she looks up and says, laughing: "Oh, I forgot to put my glasses on". FML

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By Pierced

Today, my mother accused me of getting another lip piercing done on the sly to spite her. She finally realised I have more than one and won't believe I've always had two. Thanks for noticing, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to hack my Facebook and "like" everybody's statuses. This includes my boyfriend's about his grandmother dying. FML

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By dude - United States

Today, I was walking downtown when a bum approached me for some change. I planned to give a couple dollars but after pulling out my wallet exposing my cash, the bum beat me unconscious. The bum is a 5'0" tall woman; I'm a 6'2" male out $200. FML

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By Chris - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I thought it would be funny to take an airhorn to a golf course and blow it while people were teeing off. It was very funny, until I blew the horn during some guy's backswing and his ball was shanked in my direction and hit me in the head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to light a candle in my room. Since fire intrigues me, I put an old brochure into it. Paper burns fast, and now my carpet has a big, black burn mark. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I messaged my sister on Facebook chat. We always start our conversations with "HEY SLUT" or "HEY WHORE" etc. It wasn't my sister. However, her boyfriend's mom has a great first impression of me. FML

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By Queasy - Canada

Today, I found out that sitting in the third row at a 3D movie makes me vomit. Today I also found out that the big burly dude in front of me does not appreciate being vomited on. Now I feel nauseous and have a black eye. Not to mention I missed the last part of the movie. FML

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By chewybarseventy - United States

Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML

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By gullible - United States

Today, I travelled across an ocean to visit the guy I'm dating. He lied to me about his apartment; he lives in a dorm with a twin-sized bed and a bathroom he shares with 8 guys. Just now, after taking 3 trains from the airport to his "apt", he asked me to edit his essay while he goes to class. FML

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By nonexistant - Canada

Today, while I was at a business supply store, I decided to get my old paper birth certificate laminated so it wouldn't deteriorate further. The people working decided to wait until after it was done and I had paid to tell me that laminating a birth certificate voids it. FML

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By jsmills92 - United States - Cranston

Today, I once again walked in on my husband eating our cat's food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, what started as a fun family Easter egg hunt turned within minutes into my mother-in-law's big chance to be a dramatic cow by screaming at my 5 and 7-year-old daughters for participating in a "vile pagan ritual" and saying that we're all going to hell. They're still bawling. FML

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Top comments

By sumocj | 14

#7565385 - Saturday 18 November 2017 6:06

Man did you hear that asshole talking shit?!

By RichardPencil | 29

#7565381 - Saturday 18 November 2017 5:10

Look at the boss, point at your co-worker and shout, “He did it!”

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7565381 - Saturday 18 November 2017 5:10

Look at the boss, point at your co-worker and shout, “He did it!”

By sumocj | 14

#7565385 - Saturday 18 November 2017 6:06

Man did you hear that asshole talking shit?!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7565455 - Saturday 18 November 2017 12:20

Sharing means caring. You have a heart of gold.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7565475 - Saturday 18 November 2017 12:53

"Release the Kraken!" is a rather creative way to express letting one rip.

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7565565 - Saturday 18 November 2017 18:15

Well, that stinks.

By manb91uk | 22

#7565595 - Saturday 18 November 2017 19:17

It’s OK, unless he’s a member of a really disgusting family, he won’t know it was you..

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#7565602 - Saturday 18 November 2017 20:01

YDI, don't you know that only Liam Neeson has the authority to release the Kraken?