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By liveforpeace_ - 28/04/2009 06:27 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 235 609

You deserved it 13 630

By jojobobo - 02/12/2017 19:00

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. I started to tear up and told her I had something stuck in my eye. I was secretly thrilled as I had been trying to end it for weeks. Seeing me cry, she immediately took it back. I really just had something stuck in my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 932

You deserved it 2 265

Happy Easter!

By Dummy - 01/04/2018 15:00

Today, I was stuck in the bathroom with no toilet paper in a family member’s house. I looked around and found baby wipes. I was saved! Unfortunately, they were actually Clorox wipes. The bleach gave me a chemical burn in my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 772

You deserved it 1 448

By assassinmaster - 30/06/2018 15:00

Today, I caught a lady attempting to steal a watermelon by putting it in her shirt. When I confronted her, she claimed to be pregnant and threatened to sue me and the store for discriminating against mothers. Nice try, but the watermelon fell out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 771

You deserved it 267

By Grandzilla - 09/09/2016 04:10 - France - Ablancourt

Today, I got a call from my panicking grandmother. I asked her what was going on, and she explained that, “Godzilla doesn’t work.” Not really understanding, I asked her to clarify. “Yes, you know, Godzilla, to go on the internet.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 789

You deserved it 1 163

An attempt was made

By bubblewrap - 20/10/2015 10:13 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I noticed a guy checking out my ass in the mirror behind the bar where I work. He was cute, so I thought I'd put on a little show. I bent over to reach for something near the floor, which caused me to let rip a series of uncontrollable farts, like popping bubble wrap. He quickly left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 823

You deserved it 11 988

By brokeandiknowit - 09/06/2017 14:00 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I installed an app that notifies me of every purchase on my credit card. Now I'm being tormented by notification after notification as my wife decimates our finances. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 535

You deserved it 976

By Anonymous - 15/07/2017 00:30 - Italy - Verona

Today, as I woke up, the first thing I saw was a bee on my hand. I tried not to make the slightest move, waiting for it to fly away without stinging me. The second thing I saw was my cat jumping at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 795

You deserved it 453

By Candy girl - 20/08/2017 01:30 - Denmark

Today, while waiting in line at the supermarket, a mother told me to be considerate and not buy the candy I was paying for, because it made her screaming toddler jealous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 264

You deserved it 245

By Cop-er-Pot - 16/10/2017 16:00

Today, I realized that my work life is far less stressful than my home life. I'm a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 638

You deserved it 324

The sensual world

By so unsexy - 04/08/2016 21:32 - United States - Seattle

Spicy

Today, I thought I'd spice things up by kissing my husband on the lips and then working my way down. But about halfway, I got some of his chest hairs lodged in my throat and started gagging. To avoid ruining the mood, I kept going, silently gagging, until we finished. I swallowed the hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 068

You deserved it 5 415

Prank [GONE WRONG] [GONE SEXUAL]

By Mintspice - 19/12/2018 12:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, my friends decided to pull a prank. They told my girlfriend I'd cheated on her, which I hadn't. Her revenge? Inviting me over to have me walk in on her with my brother. Our 6-month anniversary was two days away and I got her a trip to Spain, which cost me almost three paychecks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 781

You deserved it 697

By 854alice - 30/03/2017 11:25 - United Kingdom - Stamford

Today, my girlfriend got jealous because I wanted to adopt a puppy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 620

You deserved it 492

854alice tells us more.

854alice 18

Thursday 30 March 2017 8:37

Hey, Op here. I saw that this got posted (rather unexpectedly I might add) and I feel like I need to clear this up. First off to those saying she is crazy or I should leave her, you shouldn't really judge a book by its cover and know the full story before making comments like that. She is the kindest and most wonderful person I have ever met in my life. Se didn't intend to tell me that she was jealous, Unfortunately, like myself, she has barely any filter so she ended up blurting it out to me anyway. I found it funny and entertaining since it was so out of her character and we've both been laughing about it since. She did end up loving the pup once I showed her some pictures and I'm still hoping to adopt if he's still available. I just thought it was a funny moment in our lives and just wanted to share.

By Anonymous - 01/06/2017 21:00 - Italy

Today, my four-year-old son received a 20 Euro bill from his grandmother. Since he couldn't fit the bill into his piggy bank, he tore it up into a bunch of tiny pieces to make it fit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 560

You deserved it 600

By hedgehog5 - 11/04/2009 19:14 - United States

Today, I found out my blood type is B. My parents are type A and type O. It's not genetically possible to be blood type B if your parents are A and O. This means I am either an adoptee, a mutant, or an illegitimate child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 186 986

You deserved it 9 860

Fancy a snatch? A *snack, sorry.

By Crabcake - 22/09/2017 01:30 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my husband bought a luxury soap that smells like lemons. Now, every time I wash my private parts in the shower, it smells like a special at Red Lobster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 169

You deserved it 971

Harsh.

By Peridot - 16/10/2017 20:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I thought I was going to get lucky with my girlfriend. Instead, I learned that she thought I was an ugly, masculine girl. All of our "dates" had been her taking me out to improve her chances when looking for guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 445

You deserved it 589

Strike

By Cameron - 29/10/2017 06:00

Today, I went for dinner and bowling with a woman I met online. The Mexican food was great but my bowels started feeling it during our first game. I slipped on the bowling lane and the impact of my ass hitting the ground made me shit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 490

You deserved it 531

By NeitherHrotsvitNorErkembaldus - 29/07/2016 21:21 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I learned that the hardest part of marrying a historian is choosing baby names. His top choices derive from two Roman magistrates, two abbesses, a tenth-century author, and an obscure Greek official. I already let him name our pug, for whom he chose the name "Tertullianus." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 642

You deserved it 1 519

By One less friend... - 17/05/2018 19:00 - United States - Schnecksville

Today, thinking my ex-gothic friend was going through another "wear all black" phase, I walked up to her and jokingly asked who died. Her father. Her father died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 797

You deserved it 3 962

By Ohgodhelpme - 25/10/2018 03:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend bought me a vibrator for my birthday. Sounds sweet, right? Then he invited my 10/14-year-old cousins to our house. They surprised me in my room. While I was using it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 583

You deserved it 790

By needsnewshorts - 16/07/2013 01:42 - United States - San Clemente

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was sitting on my lap at a birthday party. She thought it would be funny to fart. I came instantly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 593

You deserved it 23 707

By Anonymous - 10/09/2011 06:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, I decided to formally introduce my girlfriend to my parents. My dad took the opportunity to apologize for walking in on us a few days ago while we were having sex. It wasn't her. Thanks dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 385

You deserved it 275 986

By Spencer Chan - 18/05/2017 14:00

Today, I ended a 15-year relationship. Don't worry, it wasn't mine. It was my parents'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 469

You deserved it 592

What a thoughtful gift

By Natsert99 - 08/12/2016 14:02 - United States - Deerfield

Spicy

Today, I brought my best friend to the strip club as a birthday gift, as he had mentioned that he'd never been to one before. It might have been ruined by the discovery that his daughter had a new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 170

You deserved it 1 267

Non-Nepo baby

By Anonymous - 01/06/2017 18:00

Today, my wife is threatening divorce because I won't hire her son, my stepson, at the company I work at. Even the lowest position at my company requires a degree in computing, and prior experience. My stepson dropped out of high school to "discover himself" 12 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 887

You deserved it 375

Reported

By Littlebigben - 19/07/2017 05:00

Today, I found a cellphone. I went through the contacts and called the one listed as "Dad" to inform them I could leave it at a cash register of the store I found it in, or take it to the police station so they could pick it up. They then called the police, insisting I stole it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 703

You deserved it 339

Ludacris's birthday?

By Mr.Hoof-In-Mouth - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I was talking to a customer needing IT help. I make small talk about how my birthday is on the same day the Boy Scouts were formed, and I tell the customer I am sure something interesting happened on his birthday. He gets quiet, then gives his birthday. September 11th. Cue the long silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 754

You deserved it 931

By Anonymous - 22/09/2017 04:30

Spicy

Today, I saw a creepy guy grab a woman's ass on the bus, so I caught his arm and put him in an arm lock, only for the woman to hit me in the head with her handbag. Turns out they were a married couple on their way home to have sex, and who couldn't resist a quick grope during the journey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 122

You deserved it 4 747

Freudian

By billjoebob424 - 10/03/2016 00:01 - Canada

Today, I've been so accustomed to kissing my girlfriend that when I gave my best bud a hug, I kissed him on the neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 421

You deserved it 7 477

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The Top

Random

Today, I found out the gift card my friend gave me for Christmas actually has no money on it and was never purchased in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 333

You deserved it 2 354

Today, I came out to my mom. I had an epic speech planned, and when I tried to tell her, it all fell apart and I started crying and just said, "I'm gay." After a few seconds silence, my mom sighs and says, "Duh." FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 566

You deserved it 17 905

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have our first "Cybering" experience. I downloaded Skype per his instructions, and hooked up my cam. Just as everything started getting hot and heavy, I farted. He stopped and frowned. I had no idea it was a video AND voice program. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 944

You deserved it 92 896

Today, I went to the doctor, expecting him to tell me my cancer was gone. Instead, he told me I will need a colostomy, which means all my favorite food will be replaced with yogurt and parsley. No tabbouleh, as onions would make the colostomy bag stink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 528

You deserved it 90

Today, unfortunately, my friend is a victim of domestic violence and I want to be there for her. The dilemma is that I was abused for 7 months by one of her buddies and she's basically making it out as if it didn't happen. Basically downplaying my trauma all because it's her "homie." Double standards or what? FML

I agree, your life sucks 475

You deserved it 118

Today, my idiot daughter is sat next to me crying because she took her ex to court for child support, convinced she was gonna get paid, even though her kids live with their dad full time. Now she's paying HIM child support and can’t afford her flat anymore, so she wants to move in with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 488

You deserved it 139