Today, I finally came out to my dad, who is a priest, as gay. He responded by splashing me with holy water to "banish the demon within" me. FML
Today, my boyfriend got a raging boner while looking around at a gun store. He hasn't had any sexual interest in me in months. FML
Today, I went to work with a splitting headache, after being ridiculed for calling out with a migraine previously. It was only after I started vomiting blood at my work station that management decided I could go home. FML
Kitkat7291 tells us more.
OP here - I've tried to leave an update a few times but it never sends -_-' I did go to the hospital that day and the over all verdict was in fact an ulcer. I'm on really strong antacids now. I also quit that job 2 weeks after this post, but only after securing another one. I'm much happier now, thank you everyone!
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by handing me a ring and saying, "Let's get this dumb shit over and done with." FML
Today, after faking my orgasms for several years, I found out that my boyfriend has been telling his friends that I'm super loose because he doesn't feel anything when I'm cumming. FML
Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing for 5 months over. We got some chicken nuggets, but didn’t eat because he stripped my clothes off and we started having sex. Out of nowhere, he said, "I can’t do this!" and left. He took the chicken nuggets with him. FML
Today, while waiting in line with my 4-year-old son, I had to awkwardly apologize to an African-American gentleman and explain to my son that the man was not made out of chocolate. FML
Today, I had to end a phone conversation with, "I gotta go, my daughter's eating toilet paper." FML
Today, I found out that I was a father, that my son is married, that his wife is pregnant, and that he and his wife would like me to take care of their eldest son during the end stages of the pregnancy. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because of our differing skin tones. The contrast weirds him out during sex. FML
Today, my little twelve year-old cousin who is staying with us for a while so his parents can "work out issues" ran into my room, his face ghostly white. He begged me to take him to the hospital because he "tugged" on his penis too much in the shower, and was "bleeding milky stuff." Sigh. FML
Today, me and my dad were in a sort of prank war. I decided to get him back for one last time tonight, so I hid in his office to scare him. This would have been okay had I not caught him watching porn. I had to hide for an hour. FML
Today, my sister caught me bent over trying to trim my pubic hairs. She took a photo of my spread ass as a joke and scared me so bad, I cut my clitoris. Currently in hospital hopped up on the really good morphine for the excruciating pain. Oh, and the stitches, God, I can't forget the stitches. FML
Today, I dropped in on my wife at her part time waitressing job. As I was leaving, I gave her tushie a playful squeeze. I was then tackled by some acne-ridden teenage blockhead trying to impress the hot waitress by beating up the guy groping her. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend to her ex-boyfriend's apartment for her to exchange his spare car keys for some of her grandmother's items. I waited outside in the parking lot for an hour, with no idea which door was his. She came out no longer a virgin. FML
Today, at a job interview, I was asked what I dislike the most, to which I blurted out "people". I don't think I'm landing this one. FML
Today, I left a party after drinking, and was soon pulled over. I frantically grabbed my mouthwash I keep for emergency situations to cover up the alcohol smell on my breath. I was given the breathalyzer almost immediately. I blew a 2.37. Apparently, alcohol is the main ingredient of Listerine. FML
Today, in the middle of a presentation, I fought a shart, but the shart won. FML
Today, I went with the kids I work with to a roller rink, where there are tons of black lights. Under the glow, I realized in horror that an old semen stain could be seen on my shorts. Praying no one saw, or realized what it was. FML
Today, a DNA test proved that my 2-month-old daughter isn't mine. The real father is my girlfriend's husband, whom she married last year when she lied to me about going on a vacation. We've been together for three years and I never knew. FML
Today, while getting my eyebrows waxed, the girl pulled off a strip and screamed, "Susan!" The owner came over and gave a look of pure disgust before saying, "Oh honey, you need to focus. Just give her 5% off." My whole eyebrow was gone. FML
Stella5127 tells us more.
Today, someone finally got the guts to punch my extremely rude mother in the face. My wife. FML
badbitch23 tells us more.
badbitch23 15
Op here, okay my wife's mother died 2 weeks beforehand and my mom thought it would be funny to make a joke out of it. So yes the punch was for sure justified. I haven't spoke to my mom since and I'm happily married with my wife.
Today, I got excited over a canceled booty call, just so I wouldn't have to clean the apartment. FML
Today, someone called wanting to talk to my son. My 6-week-old baby is receiving more phone calls than I am. FML
onyinye tells us more.
onyinye 4
Hi, OP here. Someone called and went like "Can I talk to Mr. N****, please?". At first I thought he meant my husband, but it turned out to be my son. I said "Well, I don't think you can talk to him, he is just six weeks old. So you might want to talk to me instead". Turns out he was the assistant of the specialist I had made an appointment with because of an issue with my son's spine (something went wrong during the delivery). He was cancelling/rescheduling appointments, because his boss was sick, and hadn't checked the patient's birth date before calling (they treat both kids and adults). He was very embarrassed, but I just thought it was hilarious.
Today, during an emergency bathroom visit, I finally broke the toilet seat my fiance had nagged me for months to replace. The broken seat sent me sprawling to the floor. I was still shitting. FML
Today, I was shopping at a store that hires disabled people as baggers. This is totally awesome and I love the practice, but this autistic bagger yelled out the name of every product he bagged, including "TAMPONS!" and "CONDOMS!" One of my middle school students was in the next checkout line videoing it. FML
Today, my boyfriend left me for his sister. No, not my sister. His sister. FML
Today, I finally found out why my girlfriend doesn't want kids. She discovered Rugrats recently and, after binge watching the whole series, decided that our would-be children would be too adventurous for us to handle. FML
Today, I woke up hungover, locked in my bathroom. This wouldn't be a problem, except in my drunken stupor, I snapped the key. I live alone and there's no windows. FML
UberAwesone tells us more.
UberAwesone 30
OP here, I live in Indonesia, and most bathrooms here have seperate keys instead of a toggle. Thankfully, my brother has a spare house key, I was able to call him over and get him to call a locksmith to get me out. I posted this FML while we were waiting for the locksmith to come by.
Today, some wisenheimer hacked my Facebook account and posted that I just won the Powerball. I now currently have 284 "friend" requests and 142 tags as "family". FML
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