The Top

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Creepy

By Fail - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I thought I'd surprise my girlfriend with a bear hug. I found her in the hall with her back to me, talking to friends. As I walked up behind her and was about to wrap my arms around her, she said, "So… does anyone have any ideas about how I should break it off with my boyfriend?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 470

You deserved it 3 124

By I'm disgusting - 26/05/2019 22:11

Today, my girlfriend caught me using my T-shirt as a tissue. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 543

You deserved it 3 283

By Anonymous - 15/08/2014 03:35 - United States - Brandon

Today, I went to my new gynecologist. He has an eye twitch, and every time he asks about my genitals, he winks at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 066

You deserved it 4 349

By maxus - 19/11/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my nephew. He was watching the episode where Spongebob smashes his guitar while playing. I walk into the kitchen to make him a snack, and I hear a loud crash... My nephew smashing my brand new guitar to be like Spongebob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 936

You deserved it 4 521

Shut up

By anon - 04/05/2009 21:56 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a theater waiting for the movie to start when a hot guy sat next to me. Trying to impress him, I made seemingly witty comments to my friend throughout the movie. When it ended, he loudly complained to his friends about the 'annoying girl' sitting next to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 772

You deserved it 105 164

GPS FML

By lostinthewoods - 30/05/2019 04:00

Today, while hiking, my dad decided we should take the beeline trail down the mountain to save time. When we got to the bottom of the mountain, we discovered we were on the wrong side. We had to hike 13 extra miles to go around the mountain to get back to our car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 909

You deserved it 369

By whatthewhat - 18/11/2009 19:52 - United States

Today, a woman cursed me out, called me a perverted freak, and said I should be ashamed of myself because I had asked her "How much for one night?." She works in a toy shop, I was with my five year old daughter, and was pointing to the sign, "Rent A Helium Tank!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 243

You deserved it 3 317

By yourwifelovesme - 04/06/2019 12:00

Today, my dad was folding laundry. He came across a pair of jeans and asked who they belonged to. My mom said, “Those are definitely mine. The knees are worn out.” Thanks for that mental image mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 576

You deserved it 399

Highly inappropriate

By Anonymous - 27/05/2013 22:15 - United States - Lehi

Today, my in-laws came for dinner. My 5-year-old son chose that as the perfect time to say, "Good girls always swallow!" when my daughter coughed up some of her food. I have no idea where he heard it, but my mother-in-law blamed me, and my wife had to convince her not to call CPS on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 076

You deserved it 3 761

Get me out of here!

By Anonymous - 29/07/2023 22:00

Today, my mother is a hoarder and her stuff has taken over the whole house, my bedroom included. I've always felt trapped in my home, but when I can't use my closet or dresser because of her and have a messy room because of it, I feel like I can't breathe. In 3 years I'm moving out, I wish it would come faster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 992

You deserved it 119

By DeeElleGee - 14/11/2009 00:09 - Canada

Today, at my work, I was ringing though a kid's purchase. I try to be friendly with the kids and when he handed me his cash I said "Thank you, sir!" in a playful manner. He then turns to his mom and says "Mom, why does everyone think I am a boy?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 321

You deserved it 6 126

It's for the best

By yesguysgetabusedtoo - 24/05/2013 23:42 - New Zealand - Papamoa

Today, my girlfriend had someone else dump me via text message. I knew it wasn't her because for once I wasn't being viciously insulted, and it wasn't written as if an illiterate baboon had taken a shit all over her keypad. I can't even feel happy about being rid of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 645

You deserved it 6 958

By cndpost - 13/11/2009 05:45 - Canada

Today, I sent my boyfriend a letter, turns out it was the wrong address. My panties are now somewhere in Canadian post. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 839

You deserved it 42 786

By Anonymous - 09/10/2010 21:27 - Canada

Today, I went shopping with a friend. She picked up a hundred dollars on the floor that somebody dropped. I told her, "I feel sorry for the retard who dropped the money." When I got home, I checked my purse and realized that I was missing a hundred dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 621

You deserved it 43 171

By RheaDitto - 18/06/2019 01:08

Today, after sending and receiving hundreds of hints, I mustered up the courage to ask my best friend out. He completely ignored my words, and went on to tell me all about his mother's intestinal bug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 832

You deserved it 234

By Anonymous - 07/06/2012 17:41 - United States - Oregon City

Today, I woke up from a sexy dream about my boyfriend. Too bad I'd fallen asleep in my living room with my whole family over, grandma included. They were all staring. I'd been sleep humping and moaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 232

You deserved it 6 732

Weird family

By Anonymous - 25/02/2021 14:01 - United States - Gloucester

Today, my dad asked my mom to flash him. He didn't forget I was in the room, he just couldn't be bothered to wait. My mom obliged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 225

You deserved it 173

By Me - 27/09/2015 09:53 - Australia

Today, I tried taking a shortcut through a nature trail, hoping to save myself some time getting back to my car. I ended up getting lost for nearly 3 hours and getting to work nearly 2 hours late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 188

You deserved it 12 426

By Anonymous - 20/07/2014 23:57 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I was finally given a parking spot at work. It turns out to be between an expensive sports car that never parks straight and a giant truck too big for its space. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 131

You deserved it 3 392

By cutiekenz21 - 31/07/2011 00:45 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's mother walked in on us having sex. He started crying and ran into the bathroom where my clothes were located, leaving me to deal with his mother. Naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 878

You deserved it 8 397

The zoo

By margretlle - 26/04/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, I was walking in the kitchen with my parrot on my shoulder and my dog running around. Something freaked out my bird and she bit my ear and started flapping her wings in my face. Surprised, I took a step back, tripped over my dog, fell, hit my head on the stove, and got knocked unconscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 760

You deserved it 8 423

What were you thinking?

By Anonymous - 08/08/2023 10:00

Today, assuming he'd be okay with it, I brought my two kids with me on a first date, as I didn't want to pay for child care. My date made me pay for the kids' meals and my own, then blocked my number afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 112

You deserved it 3 349

By ivannooze - 29/07/2011 21:40 - United States

Today, the heat rash that has been devouring my side for the last week was revealed to be something much worse: shingles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 745

You deserved it 3 053

Declined

By BrewPack - 14/07/2014 02:22 - United States - Slinger

Today, the couple who had written the offer we had accepted for our house withdrew it because apparently when they came by for the home inspection, my next door neighbor's teenage son tried to sell them heroin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 506

You deserved it 3 438

By Anonymous - 03/10/2010 01:34 - United States

Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. She said she was too tired to fake it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 576

You deserved it 9 593

Morris was here

By ceetee - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, someone came over and told my mother, "I'm your son's friend Morris, I need to get something out of his car", so she gave him the keys. I have no friend called Morris, and now I don't have a sound system either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 044

You deserved it 3 508

Erm, thanks?

By ninnang - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Honolulu

Today, my boss delivered some flowers and a sympathy card signed by everyone in the office to my cubicle. The card said, "Sorry your mom died." My mom isn't dead. I don't know where they got the idea from and no one believes me. They said that denial is part of grieving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 505

You deserved it 3 585

By Bestfrienduncool - 30/09/2010 05:11 - France

Today, I found out that the reason my best friend is not allowed over anymore is because he hits on my mom and writes her love letters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 816

You deserved it 2 675

Don't stop now!

By Anonymous - 09/03/2021 02:01 - Lithuania - Klaipeda

Today, as usual during sex, my boyfriend finished first, and then he "massaged" me so I could finish too. While he was doing that, his grandma called. He actually answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 373

You deserved it 188

By dullstuff - 21/07/2011 12:34 - Belgium

Today, my bike got stolen because I left my keys in the lock. On my way home, I saw my bike in front of a store, unlocked. I jumped on it, only to get punched in the face by the guy that had taken it, and got it stolen from me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 615

You deserved it 13 919

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The Top

Today, the guy I have a crush on told me that "if only he could find a girl with my personality." I asked him what I was missing to be his girl, since I apparently have the personality he wants. He told me, “Sorry to hurt your feelings, but perhaps a liposuction and a nose job.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 584

You deserved it 180

Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to marry me. Since he doesn't know my ring size, he asked for me to find a ring that I liked, and he would buy it and propose. The only problem is that he won't spend more than 200 dollars on it. Oh, the generosity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 015

You deserved it 37 110

Random

Today, I tried to give some change to a homeless man. My girlfriend pulled me away and ranted about how homeless people are all basically bastards who deserve their misfortune, and that I shouldn't give "our" money away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 949

You deserved it 6 046

Today, while I was painting, my little nephew came in and started watching me. I left to clean my brushes. When I came back into the room, my nephew had spilled paint all over the carpet making a rainbow. It took me 5 hours to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 255

You deserved it 8 210

Today, I tried to catch a spider in a glass. It was on the paper and I wanted it to fall into the glass, but I moved the paper the wrong way, screeched like a banshee and flung the glass at the floor. I was barefoot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 616

You deserved it 1 341

Today, my boss still won't believe in climate change, and won't do anything to reduce our carbon footprint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 539

Today, my family is getting ready for a vacation. My idea of a vacation is being on a beach, staying in a luxurious hotel, with cute guys and great restaurants everywhere. Unfortunately, we are going to be sleeping in a cold tent in the mountains, cook over a fire, and listen to bears stomp around at night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 271

You deserved it 688

Today, I spent a lot of effort making sure my roommate had a good birthday. We've hooked up in the past, and a mutual friend of ours is staying the night. Also someone I've made out with before. We were hanging out and the vibes were good, but when I initiated a cuddle puddle, they declined. Now they are hooking up without me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 155

You deserved it 398