Miscellaneous: Today, I got a round of applause. Too bad it was from my thighs...

Lol. I'm not overweight. I just have meaty thighs. Yet my calves are... veryyy skinny. I do have me some moobs though! Lol. And a bit of a belly. I was trying to be funny not complain about being fat, lol. But its not really that obvious. But you know. Always appreciate these nice comments. (Hint thats sarcasm. Besides the few that were nice.

Miscellaneous

Batman

Our house, in the middle of our street

Mind your own beeswax, Amanda

Sunshine of my life

By Anonymous - 14/04/2021 15:30

Today, while watching a news clip about NASA's Mars helicopter, Ingenuity, my wife asked me if Mars has a sun. She was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 783

You deserved it 148

Tears for Fears

By Mike - 25/03/2021 00:30

Today, I realized that not only do I dream about sleeping or passing out, but that those are the best ones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 613

You deserved it 64

24/01/2011 15:00

Today, I got into a car accident. Why? I was distracted by a floating spec of dust and was pretending I was in space. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 640

You deserved it 65 658

30/11/2014 04:29

Today, my boyfriend went to work instead of going to my father's funeral. He works at home and chooses his own hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 472

You deserved it 3 388

10/09/2010 18:09

Today, at school, everybody wanted to be my partner for a project. This surprised me because nobody ever wants to be with me. Turns out when I was absent, my teacher promised that whoever was my partner would get extra points on the project. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 925

You deserved it 3 346

22/09/2009 07:36

Today, as I was coming out of the ladies' room, I saw a guy glancing at me. A few minutes later, I saw him coming at me at a fast rate. I decided to run from him. As I got out of the building and into a cab, I saw him from the window waving my phone at me. He was just trying to return it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 589

You deserved it 47 373

05/02/2009 07:57

Today, my wife left me the following voicemail: “Alex, last night was amazing. You took me to places I’ve never been to before. I can’t wait to see you tonight after work.” My name is Rob. We haven’t had sex in two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 578

You deserved it 9 016

01/02/2011 13:05

Today, I was going through the history on my computer. Apparently, while I was at school my mother used my computer, and I now know my mother wants to learn how to make her breasts look larger, amongst other things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 038

You deserved it 3 880

03/07/2016 23:22

Today, after months of planning and saving for our honeymoon in Italy, my wife and I were turned away at the airport because my passport only has a month until it expires, even though it's only a five-day trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 083

You deserved it 3 871

23/11/2013 23:45

Today, I realized that no matter what I accomplish in life, I'll always be remembered for being the son of a woman so stupid that she claimed she used to be Elvis Presley's mistress. She was still an infant when he died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 331

You deserved it 3 277

01/03/2012 17:12

Today, my therapist clapped for me when I told her I'd made a friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 391

You deserved it 3 968

26/08/2009 13:34

Today, I thought it would have been funny to cut off my friend's rat-tail. He thought it would be funny to put a brick through my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 661

You deserved it 117 201

23/04/2016 09:14

Today, the CEO of my company wanted to meet with me. I was excited until I found out she just wanted to bitch me out and personally fire me. Later on, I found out my boss had totally shafted me and blamed the failure of a big project on me instead of admitting it was all his fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 079

You deserved it 1 241

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 18:00

Today, I had a bad and very unenthusiastic one night stand and tried to quietly order an Uber while she was getting dressed. Turns out, she's an Uber driver and being as she was in the area, the alert came over her phone. She was furious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 717

You deserved it 843

Lay the blame

By jobless - 13/09/2015 14:07

Today, a guy came into my gas station, showed me the gun on his hip, and asked me to kindly empty the register. My asshole boss claimed afterwards that because we live in an open carry state, and because the guy didn't point the gun at me, that there was no actual robbery and I just gave him free money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 414

You deserved it 2 780

30/01/2009 22:08

Today, I went out to eat with my aunt and uncle, I barely looked at the male waiter because I'm a shy person. Then my uncle says: "YOU SHOULD TAKE OUT MY NIECE! She's never dated in her life." I'm 19 and my match maker is my uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 635

You deserved it 3 235

09/08/2017 13:00

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted him to be a little more masculine and dominant in the bedroom. He broke up with me because I'm not "feminist enough". FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 069

You deserved it 1 317

At risk

By coius - 21/07/2020 05:01

Today, after being on steroids to suppress my immune system, I found out it causes pulmonary embolisms. If I stop taking my steroids, my body will try to kill me, but if I take the steroids, the meds will try to kill me. I’m only 35 and was fit before this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 490

You deserved it 140

09/04/2014 12:37

Today, I had to show a new student around my school. Normally, that wouldn't be such a bad thing, but the student was my crazy, overly-attached ex. I transferred schools to get away from her in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 910

You deserved it 3 582

04/08/2012 06:17

Today, I caught my boyfriend staring at my sister through the doorway while we were having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 941

You deserved it 9 449

17/01/2013 14:06

Today, my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend got into a fight about when my birthday is. They were both wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 349

You deserved it 5 620

21/06/2015 06:04

Today, I brought my best friend home and told my dad we were going to study together. He loudly replied "Woah!", stumbled around for a few seconds like he was drunk, then apologized and said the "sheer amount of gayness" between us had overloaded his gaydar. We're not gay, dammit! FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 652

You deserved it 3 555

10/11/2011 03:52

Today, in a large church youth group, we were told to write our current biggest trial on a piece of paper, crumple it up, and throw it in pile. I wrote "My mother's death and having to leave my friends and family." The one I picked up just said "math." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 724

You deserved it 4 040

21/07/2016 22:09

Today, I went to the store to get groceries. After getting all the stuff I need, and was heading towards the checkout point, I heard a baby cry and instantly felt coldness on my shirt. Yes I was lactating, and yes it was noticeable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 623

You deserved it 1 450

Right in the pecker

By Anonymous - 28/01/2021 23:01

Today, my girlfriend and I got into a nasty fight. After a few hours, she wanted to give me a blowjob, so I thought we weren't mad at each other anymore. Turns out she was still mad because she bit my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 934

You deserved it 402

01/12/2018 14:00

Today, we had our busiest day at work all year with lots of angry people calling, and a co-worker called in sick. I went to my local game shop after work, exhausted and upset, and guess who was at his usual table running a Dungeons and Dragons group, apparently not too sick to go out. Yeah. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 942

You deserved it 182

19/03/2009 16:41

Today, I had just reached in my purse without looking to grab a granola bar when my boss walked in my office. We talked for a few minutes as he kept giving me strange looks and looking at my hand. He left and I realized I hadn't taken a granola bar out, but a tampon instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 963

You deserved it 47 126

23/08/2010 23:28

Today, I was driving home with my dad after buying a new truck. We were on the freeway and the engine wasn't revving up very much. My dad thought that something was wrong with my transmission, so he reached over to change gears. Most cars won't go into reverse at high speeds. Mine does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 148

You deserved it 3 109

24/06/2009 19:15

Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 989

You deserved it 30 053

07/12/2018 20:00

Today, after a year and half of being single, I was asked out on a date. I was asked by a married man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 845

You deserved it 191

13/06/2017 04:00

Today, my friend is furious with me because while I was watching her various fish for two weeks, I failed to feed her favorite fish and it died. The reason I didn't take care of it was because she never told me she had it, that it was in her room unlike the rest of the fish, so I never saw it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 999

You deserved it 370

One law for me…

By Anonymous - 21/12/2020 11:02

Today, I got disciplined for sleeping on night shifts, by my boss, who also sleeps on night shifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 671

You deserved it 346

Nice try

By hkbaer - 27/09/2019 22:00

Today, my dad tried to charge me $3000 for a car that my dead grandma, his mother, left to me in her will. I have to live with this asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 004

You deserved it 106

22/05/2016 02:14

Today, I was babysitting a 6 year-old and a 9 year-old. After they went to bed, I started working on a project for on my laptop that was due in 12 hours and fell asleep. I woke up to a dog licking my peanut buttered keyboard and the two kids sitting in the corner giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 526

You deserved it 3 050

08/01/2011 20:35

Today, I had to point out the "no shirt, no shoes, no service" sign at my work to an extremely old, seemingly intoxicated man wearing an ill fitting speedo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 451

You deserved it 2 480

04/02/2012 05:22

Today, I choked on my saliva during a medical interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 860

You deserved it 3 403

24/05/2013 14:00

Today, my friends and I were talking about the creepy stranger that used to stalk me back in high school. I guess his looks changed a lot through the years because I found out that he's my current boyfriend of 4 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 154

You deserved it 19 624

10/04/2009 20:07

Today, my boyfriend's friends were throwing him a surprise birthday party. I thought it'd be funny to get him some fuzzy handcuffs and a box of condoms as a gift. They never told me they invited his parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 052

You deserved it 49 782

Rat Race

By mcd - 05/10/2020 08:01

Today, at work, a man punched me in the face because he said I took his son's job. He meant both me and his son applied for the same job. He also asked to speak to my boss, because he thinks I "cheated." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 251

You deserved it 59

16/01/2010 20:19

Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of crap. I'll never know if it got there before or after I crapped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 019

You deserved it 3 640

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Top comments

Journiexo 18

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Friday 3 October 2014 15:03

Thunder thighs!

Welshite 39

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Friday 3 October 2014 15:05

They even gave you a standing ovation.

Comments

Journiexo 18

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Friday 3 October 2014 15:03

Thunder thighs!

vbmah 12

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Friday 3 October 2014 19:54

I'd rather have a thigh clap than a thigh gap!

False_Stupidity 41

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Friday 3 October 2014 21:58

Then it was a thunder clap?

tehaustiebear 34

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Friday 3 October 2014 23:11

I guess you could say he's all about that bass, no treble.

Pauline96_fml 20

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Saturday 4 October 2014 2:47

#33 actually I've found that thigh claps often occur along with thought rub burns

Pauline96_fml 20

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Saturday 4 October 2014 2:48

* thigh

dreamweaver1227 11

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Saturday 4 October 2014 8:37

i thought it said she got a round of applesauce for a second.

Luluthus 41

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Saturday 4 October 2014 17:41

#54 OP is male. I find your assumption that the one with the large thighs must be female interesting,

TheSwegMaster69 11

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Tuesday 7 October 2014 20:07

Sexism at it's finest, congrats #54.

EpicGuy70 13

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Friday 3 October 2014 15:04

Well… damn, no words except for my sympathy.

Khaleesi_26 30

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Friday 3 October 2014 18:49

Why sympathy? I don't want to sound rude but If OP doesn't like his weight, he can always start working out or changing small things in his diet. The first few pounds are hard to loose but after that it gets easier. I could understand if OP had a condition than in that case disregard my comment.

flutterby789 8

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Friday 3 October 2014 21:50

my thighs hit together, I like my shape! stop being so presumptious that only size zero is what people desire. id hate to have a miley cyrus-esque thigh gap. curves all the way baby!!

breaking6883 17

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Saturday 4 October 2014 1:05

You reply to a LOT of comments... I see you everywhere! XD

Khaleesi_26 30

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Saturday 4 October 2014 1:40

Me? If you're referring to me it's because i have a big mouth online and in real life and i always have something to say.

katachristic 19

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Saturday 4 October 2014 8:09

I like curves too, but OP very heavily implied dissatisfaction with being overweight. She was only saying that when one doesn't like something about oneself, they often make excuses rather than solve their problem.