Intimacy: Today, I bought one of my favorite albums from when I was growing... - FML

By nilssonfan - United States

Today, I bought one of my favorite albums from when I was growing up. When I looked at the liner notes, I learned that my favorite song on the album wasn't about taking a bath, but about going to a brothel. My second-favorite isn't about moving, but about suicide. My childhood just shattered. FML

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Body issues

Dad jokes, part 43884

Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop

By teef - Canada

Today, at the store, I heard a kid complaining about getting braces. While I was saying 'thank you' and 'bye' to the cashier, his grandma must've seen my slightly crooked teeth. She pointed and said, "Without them, your teeth will look bad like that man's!" Everyone around looked at me. FML

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By traumatised

Today, I went to make my morning coffee as usual. When I opened the container for the coffee grounds, I saw it bubbling. Perplexed, I looked closer. This is how I discovered that maggots can actually bubble what they ingest. FML

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By Why Is It Always Me - Canada - Calgary

Today, during an interview, I was given a list of items and asked which items I would take to a deserted island. When I chose a Bible, the interviewer asked why. I replied, "So I can burn it." What I meant to say was, "So I can use it to start a fire if the trees on the island bear fruit." FML

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By sometingwong - United States

Today, I had dinner at my girlfriend's house with her parents. Everything was going great, until after dinner when her dad pulled me aside and told me he'd heard us having sex. I was out of town all weekend for a baseball tournament. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brampton

Today, I had to do a presentation in front of my entire school. I was very nervous, so I used the old trick of picturing everyone naked. Everyone then got a good view of my erection. FML

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By SterlingEnigma - United States

Today, I decided to start making healthier decisions. Instead of the usual cheeseburger I have for lunch I ate an apple instead. I took one bite and broke one of my teeth. Apparently, apples keep the doctor away, but not dentists. FML

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By ugh Buck! - United States

Today, I was watching a movie on TV. One of the characters has the same name as my dog, and when his name was called, my dog got so excited that he jumped face-first into my TV. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I had to take my husband to the hospital. He and his friends got the bright idea of recording a re-enactment of a scene from Fight Club for a YouTube video. It ended as soon as my husband caught a fist to the gut and started violently puking all over our basement floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad forgot me at cross country practice. When he got there two hours late, instead of apologizing, he said, "Hey, that's only the third time I've forgotten you at practice. You should be congratulating me." FML

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By dogbreederssuck - United Kingdom - Ormskirk

Today, at work, I had to tell a woman that there is no such thing as a "pedigree Beahuahuadoodle", and that she'd essentially paid $500 for a mutt. FML

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By Weightlosshereicome - United States - Oxford

Today, Snapchat thought my double chin was a mouth. FML

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By Phill1188

Today, I got locked in an old woman's garage for an hour when she forgot I was looking at the car for sale. When I got home, I told my mom and jokingly said, "First time I have been kidnapped!" Without hesitation she said, "Well, that makes it the 3rd time." I had no idea. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my birthday. I was heading back to my apartment and I heard noises inside the door. Assuming it was the surprise party I'd hinted at, I flicked on the lights as two heavy guys pushed past me. I was robbed. FML

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By despacito

Today, my brother stole my hard drive and wiped it. My hard drive had a 10-page school project on it. The project is due tomorrow. FML

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By SMS123 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch with my boyfriend when I started choking. My boyfriend took it as an opportunity to sneak food off my plate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kansas City

Today, after paying a job coach a load of money for his services, pretty much the only advice he gave me was "Send out more résumés." FML

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By ehwat - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that since I lost my job I can't afford a Christmas present for him, or anyone. He said trying anal would be fine. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, while waiting for a doctors appointment, my husband started playing angry birds. Continually losing the game ended up raising his blood pressure to the point where he now has to have his medication changed. The new medication is $100 copay. FML

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By ultraattitude - United States

Today, I went to see my dermatologist friend for a free consultation on my terrible acne. During my visit, she said I probably won't be getting any more pimples. Excited, I asked her how she could tell. She replied, "There's no more room for it." FML

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By Grad Student

Today, I found out that I have to take a weekly workshop outside of class time all semester, and it's only offered on the day I have the most work hours. I barely make ends meet as it is, but the professor said to figure it out or fail. FML

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By laywer_man - United States

Today, I couldn't answer almost any of the questions in the game "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" I'm a 40 year old man. FML

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By FeedTheBirds - United States - Estero

Today, I bought a delicious $17 lobster sandwich at a restaurant on the beach. The seagull who zoomed in and ripped it out of my hands as I was about to take the first bite seemed to enjoy it very much. FML

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By mentallyscarred - United States

Today, while I was waiting at a bus stop, a man stopped at the red light and smiled at me. I smiled back. He blew me a kiss and drove away, just as I realized he was masturbating behind the wheel. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Greeley

Today, I got threatened with a gun at the drive-thru, all because my coworker forgot to include extra fries in the guy's order. FML

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By qhorin halflung

Today, on the bus, my blood sugar level got too low and I passed out. When I came to, the woman next to me was hitting me, saying she needed to get off and that she didn't have time for my "stupid fucking prank". FML

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By Annonmyus

Today, my boyfriend left me for my step-sister. He's been cheating on me with her for the past 6 months, and got her pregnant. I also found out that my stomach pains are due to the fact that I'm also pregnant. My family could officially qualify for Jerry Springer. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I got cited for "internet plagiarism" and called to the dean's office. I'd been sitting a closed-book written exam, and my teacher had been breathing down my neck the whole time. FML

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By Daniel - United States

Today, while going to lunch with my boss, he asked me to check and see if the other lane was clear. When I did, he swerved hard, making me smack my head into the door window. This is apparently his new favorite thing to do. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried on the new dress I bought for myself. I, for once, thought I looked pretty all right. I asked my dog, "How do I look?" and she threw up on my pillow. My brother can't stop laughing. FML

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By upset

Today I opened the door for my cat and he brought in a rat with him. Now the rat is hiding in my house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was taking a leak in the mall bathroom. A kid no older than thirteen strolled in and paused next to me at the urinals. He took one look and laughed, "I feel sorry for your wife, man." All I could do was stand there as he casually disappeared into one of the stalls. FML

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By marz88 - United States

Today, a friend of mine got a bit drunk, but said she was fine and didn't feel drunk at all. I took her keys anyway and said she could sleep on my bed, while I slept on the floor next to the bed. I was rudely woken up in the middle of the night to her rolling over and vomiting on my face. FML

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By wetandhungry - United States - Houston

Today, I came home to find water dripping from the ceiling in my apartment laundry room/pantry. All of my groceries were ruined. Maintenance's suggestion? "Put a bucket under it." FML

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By :| - Canada

Today, I was sitting in the park eating a sandwich, when a homeless guy asked me for some spare change. I said I didn't have any. He offered an "erotic striptease" in exchange for my sandwich. I said no. He gave one anyway. I walked back to work on an empty stomach. FML

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By levi Glasscock - United States

Today, my mom called me and said, "I made your sister laugh so hard she peed her pants." I got home and noticed she also peed on my bed. FML

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By Random dog owner

Today, I realized I've been hit in the balls more in the past two years than the rest of my life. Why? My dog is always happy to see me and his tail is just the right height. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing with my four year old cousin. He had a toy whale and said, "Shark!" I corrected him and told him it was a whale. He picked it up, threw it at my face, and yelled, "SHAAARK!" FML

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By Liz - United States - Torrance

Today, my boss/husband fired me from my job because I didn't sleep with him last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that when business is slow at my family-owned store, my daughter and another employee make a habit of sneaking away to the back room. I have literally been paying this kid to screw around with my daughter. FML

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By abusedparrot - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the police knocked on my door, saying that they needed to investigate my house for animal abuse. Apparently the neighbours called, reporting a "screeching bird in pain". I have no bird, but I have been singing quite loudly recently. FML

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Top comments

By maphineRAWRS | 10

#1714070 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:09

it's funny how things are different when were older hey.
like the play school song :|

By fleg | 9

#1714204 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:31

Since the username says “nilssonfan”, I’m gonna guess she means “Bath” and “Without You” by Harry Nilsson.

COMMENTS

By zezjo | 3

#1714063 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:09

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

OrginalOwen | 0

#1714190 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:26

So just keep pretending?

Reply

unfortunate_13 | 5

#1714334 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 17:00

am i the only one wondering why this is in the intimacy category? is the word "brothel" that naughty?

Reply

Darraghscoot | 0

#1714436 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 17:27

how the fuck is your childhood shattered?:L

Reply

Thin_Ice_fml | 0

#1714473 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 17:36

pick a new song and get over it.

Reply

GigglePony | 13

#1715125 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 20:33

Why is this under the intimacy category? -.-

Reply

LisaBanana | 0

#1717398 - Thursday 18 November 2010 8:40

your childhood consisted of a music album?

Reply

max_wilder | 9

#3186442 - Saturday 27 August 2011 6:00

Who is the artist

By bugwub | 0

#1714068 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:09

That's hilarious, sorry, OP.

Reply

randomguy1millon_fml | 0

#3037004 - Thursday 4 August 2011 12:39

Omg looks like my cat

By maphineRAWRS | 10

#1714070 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:09

it's funny how things are different when were older hey.
like the play school song :|

Reply

marinus_fml | 19

#1714100 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:13

Josie, play-school song always sucked!

Reply

maphineRAWRS | 10

#1714129 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:17

yeah but now "open wide, come inside" has a whole new meaning doesn't it :P

Reply

wtf20007 | 10

#1714146 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:19

haha! touche

Reply

marinus_fml | 19

#1714151 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:20

Nope? Unless you have a dirty mind? :p

Reply

maphineRAWRS | 10

#1714193 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:27

I actually have a very, very dirty mind, for your information :p

howweverrr, you do too, cause if you didn't you wouldn't have realised you needed a dirty mind to get the "new meaning".
caught :)

Reply

ricars | 5

#1714530 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 17:46

my favorite one was basket case by green day. those lyrics weren't subtle but I never got it. I just liked the beginning.

Reply

RebelHeart7 | 0

#1714594 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 18:13

ahahahahshs

Reply

starile | 19

#1714613 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 18:16

what is the play school song?

Reply

pokewolfey | 6

#5143588 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 1:54

Like shaggy's "it wasn't me" the line "...butt naked, banging on the bathroom floor." When I was a kid, I'd imagined two adults being naked, but banging their fists on the bathroom floor... I now understand .__.

Reply

Daevas | 18

#6171321 - Tuesday 13 January 2015 0:46

Most of us on FML have dirty minds as well.

Reply

Dave_Davington | 33

#6661034 - Saturday 30 July 2016 4:20

53, the opening theme to an Australian children's TV show.

By beautiful_disast_fml | 2

#1714076 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:10

That is depressing but I'm pretty sure just about every child or teen at some point went through that. I did! but I'm still 16 so that wasn't too long ago.. you'll be ok.. the past is the past :) move on

Reply

drepartor | 0

#1766364 - Monday 29 November 2010 2:51

excatly don't let 1 thing ruin your life you have more life to experience

By chico_can | 0

#1714082 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:11

what's the album?

By antoinemartinez | 0

#1714086 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:11

WTF what cd is that???

By deannoz | 0

#1714097 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:13

It's normal, I went through that stage only 2 years ago. Be happy you didn't stay that way.

Reply

Synistiel | 14

#5198517 - Thursday 29 November 2012 20:25

Wtf are you talking about?

By worldclass | 0

#1714109 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:14

.. what songs? It could be worse!

By gusgus36 | 5

#1714135 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:18

YDI for reading the lyrics! just kidding. well, oh well. your life will continue somehow I bet

By ALBATROSS9080 | 0

#1714137 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:18

what songs?