Today, I bought one of my favorite albums from when I was growing... - FML

By nilssonfan - 17/11/2010 08:08 - United States

Today, I bought one of my favorite albums from when I was growing up. When I looked at the liner notes, I learned that my favorite song on the album wasn't about taking a bath, but about going to a brothel. My second-favorite isn't about moving, but about suicide. My childhood just shattered. FML

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Clocked

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Mr Sensitivity

By D: - 19/2/2015 20:45 - United States - Denver

Today, I was on my way to work when my ex-wife drove past me in the car she got from me. She fucked me over so hard in the divorce that I have to ride my bike to work while wearing a full suit. FML

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By Ms Yeins - 26/4/2019 14:00 - Belgium - Mechelen

Today, I was changing my tampon in a public toilet. When I threw away the used one and opened a new one, it turned out that it had no thread on it! I took another one out. Again, defective! It was the last one I had with me, and it was the second day of my period. FML

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By crissy becks - 5/8/2012 22:05 - United States - Inglewood

Today, my friends and I planned to go to a waterpark together. However, due to a "miscommunication," I, and only I, was given both the wrong time and the wrong meeting place. I spent three hours sitting in a parking lot in little more than my swimming suit. FML

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By Rachel - 18/5/2009 15:23 - United States

Today, I was planning on meeting my friend at the mall. She came late, and I was in the dressing room trying on a few things. When I came out to meet her, she looked at me oddly and said, "You shouldn't buy that, it looks terrible on you." Those were the clothes I came in. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 23:00

Appearance matters

Today, I tried thinking of the best way to kill myself without leaving my body intact enough for people to continue to judge. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2012 05:13 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I had to re-grade a student's assignments because neither he, nor his parents can read "Spanish." I'd written in cursive. FML

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By Nox - 6/1/2010 07:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend accused me of not having any friends. So I sent out a mass text saying "Hey, what's up?" to prove her wrong. I didn't get any replies. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2013 18:31 - France

Today, I was quietly admiring my boyfriend from outside the kitchen as he made us dinner, only to witness him drop a load of spaghetti on the floor, swear, then scoop it all up and place it back on the plate. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2015 00:03

Today, I caught two kids passing notes to each other in my class, so I told them to see me afterwards. When one of the kids eventually came up, I noticed he was crying. He looked up at me and sobbed out, "I was trying to make my first friend!" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2018 06:00

Today, after faking my orgasms for several years, I found out that my boyfriend has been telling his friends that I'm super loose because he doesn't feel anything when I'm cumming. FML

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By Sunshinenwhiskey - 5/5/2016 15:10 - United States - Dallas

Today, I found out why my sister hasn't been answering my texts or phone calls. Her husband blocked my number on her phone. FML

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By .... - 17/4/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After spending 20 minutes on the phone with AAA, and then waiting a half hour, the guy showed up, he stuck his hand in the drivers side window and asked, "You couldn't just reach in?" I forgot I left the window open. FML

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By DF - 26/6/2014 14:58 - Israel - Rehovot

Today, I went bowling with my girlfriend, her sister and her brother-in-law, and her niece. After 10 rounds, I came in last place. Her niece is 3 years old. She got twice as many points as me. FML

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By wow babe - 19/11/2012 17:46 - United States - Arnold

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. He definitely killed the mood when, while down there, he started saying, "Nomnomnomnom." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2012 05:04

Today, I caught my boyfriend trying on my bra. He still has no excuse. FML

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By cheezeits - 26/10/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, my long-distance girlfriend asked me if she could see someone else on the side. FML

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By Rainydaze - 10/11/2017 20:00 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, the guy I hooked up with last summer who was "going through a divorce" welcomed his new baby with his loving wife. FML

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By Secondyearcollegekid - 3/10/2018 15:30

Today, one of my housemates licked or bit all 12 of the cupcakes I bought to give to a friend as a thank-you gift. No one will own up to it. FML

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By Jim - 12/4/2018 01:30

Today, I dropped my car off at the dealership for a bumper replacement due to a hit and run in a parking lot. After being told it was ready, their shuttle picked me up, and backed up into my just-replaced bumper. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2019 06:00

Today, I was picking up after my dog with a poo baggie over my hand, like a mitten. Too bad the bottom ripped open and my bare hand poked through it just as I grabbed a big handful of steaming dog turd. FML

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By well scrooge you too - 26/12/2015 04:24 - United States - North Myrtle Beach

Today, a customer gave me the dirtiest look ever and muttered "goody two-shoes prick" after I asked if he'd like to donate a few cents to charity. FML

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By Joy - 16/6/2010 14:42 - Denmark

Today, we had guests coming over. My dad wanted me to make some bacon, but I refused because I'm a vegetarian, and don't like to touch meat. His response? 'Good joke honey, now make the bacon.' FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2018 01:30

Today, I didn't see the cat in the bathroom before I took my pants down, and the beast tore open my ballsack. The doctor says I might lose my left testicle, depending on how the surgery goes. FML

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By audied - 4/1/2010 21:26 - United States

Today, I noticed the woman I've been sleeping with for over 2 years never lets me see her naked during sex. I confronted her about it and she replied, "I don't care if you see me naked. I was just leaving the lights off the whole time so I don't have to see you naked." FML

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By I'm disgusting - 26/5/2019 22:11

Today, my girlfriend caught me using my T-shirt as a tissue. Again. FML

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By hot coffee - 12/7/2012 15:17 - United Kingdom - Farnham

Today, I discovered I'd left my coffee on top of my car when it fell through the sun roof whilst I was driving, showering me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, was the first day of potty training for my toddler. While watching a "How to Potty Train" video, I noticed my toddler was making a weird face on the side of the couch. I walked over to her, picked her up and a big pile of poop dropped. FML

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By whoops - 6/4/2017 22:00

Today, I saw that the wine bottle I couldn't open last night has a big hole in the top from my struggle to open it. It was a screw off top. Must have been drunker than I thought last night. FML

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By lemongrab - 18/5/2014 14:14 - Canada

Today, I was chewed out by a lady who claimed the laptop she bought wouldn't turn on, and that she wanted a refund. She yelled and shoved the laptop at me, not even listening when I told her I didn't even work at that store. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 16:46 - France

Today, I was quietly reading in the subway, when all of a sudden, at a station, the man sitting next to me stood up, slapped me, yelled "Bitch!", and rushed off the train. FML

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By maggierose171 - 19/5/2012 15:08 - United States - Rosendale

Today, my daughter's bed broke. Trying to see the damage, I lay down on her floor to get a closer look. I saw mountains of condom boxes under there. Now I know why the bed broke. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2015 17:25 - United States - Blairstown

Today, someone photoshopped my head onto some nude girl's body and spread it around at school. It was shockingly convincing. Now everyone's calling me a slut, and the worst part is I have no idea which photo the person used or where they got it from, so I can't prove it's a fake. FML

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By fox_at_heart - 30/9/2016 02:21 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out my father has been saving money to help me buy my first car. In the same conversation, I found out my mother, unbeknownst to my dad, used nearly all of the money to bail my drunken, deadbeat uncle out of jail for the 4th time a month ago. He is now back in prison. FML

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By JennyPenny - 17/10/2012 15:53 - United States - Lawrence

Today, I found out that even though your brother agrees to watch your dogs for a week, it does not mean that he will pick up after them. Apparently, it's okay to leave piss and shit all over the deck and floors because they're not his dogs and he shouldn't have to clean up their messes. FML

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By brelni - 28/11/2010 17:17 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend came over to visit. Being nice, I let him walk down the stairs first, following after him. I still managed to reach the bottom before he did; after taking one step, I lost my footing and fell all the way down, scraping the skin off my arms and legs, and bruising my butt. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2018 19:00

Today, because I left my wallet at home, I got arrested for "underage smoking." I'm 32 years old. FML

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By samba_spaz - 19/9/2019 06:01 - United States - Los Angeles

Groove is in the Heart

Today, I was at my usual drum circle. This guy I'd never seen before showed up and started playing an unfamiliar beat. Thinking he was new, I tried to teach him what to play. Turns out he was a professional drummer and was playing an advanced version of the groove I was trying to teach him. FML

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By ohiochibi - 3/12/2009 19:34 - United States

Today, I posted a note on Facebook about a weird dream I had about my ex-boyfriend, where I made out with him, then it transitioned into a vampires vs. werewolves battle. My ex private messages me and says there's a better chance of a vampires vs. werewolves battle than us ever making out again. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2013 20:36 - United States - Montgomery Village

Today, my sister was crying to me about how her boyfriend never showed up for their date. He's done this many times before, so I suggested the fact that maybe he'd just ditched her. She said that was ridiculous, because "he's Canadian" and according to her, "they don't lie." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2020 08:00

Phoney sex

Today, after having some great, intimate phone sex with my boyfriend, he immediately said, "Well, gotta go," and hung up. Thanks for making me feel like some sort of phone-hooker, dude. FML

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Top comments

By maphineRAWRS | 10

#1714070 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:09

it's funny how things are different when were older hey.
like the play school song :|

By fleg | 9

#1714204 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:31

Since the username says “nilssonfan”, I’m gonna guess she means “Bath” and “Without You” by Harry Nilsson.

COMMENTS

By zezjo | 3

#1714063 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:09

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

OrginalOwen | 0

#1714190 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:26

So just keep pretending?

Reply

unfortunate_13 | 5

#1714334 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 17:00

am i the only one wondering why this is in the intimacy category? is the word "brothel" that naughty?

Reply

Darraghscoot | 0

#1714436 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 17:27

how the fuck is your childhood shattered?:L

Reply

Thin_Ice_fml | 0

#1714473 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 17:36

pick a new song and get over it.

Reply

GigglePony | 13

#1715125 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 20:33

Why is this under the intimacy category? -.-

Reply

LisaBanana | 0

#1717398 - Thursday 18 November 2010 8:40

your childhood consisted of a music album?

Reply

max_wilder | 9

#3186442 - Saturday 27 August 2011 6:00

Who is the artist

By bugwub | 0

#1714068 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:09

That's hilarious, sorry, OP.

Reply

randomguy1millon_fml | 0

#3037004 - Thursday 4 August 2011 12:39

Omg looks like my cat

By maphineRAWRS | 10

#1714070 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:09

it's funny how things are different when were older hey.
like the play school song :|

Reply

marinus_fml | 19

#1714100 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:13

Josie, play-school song always sucked!

Reply

maphineRAWRS | 10

#1714129 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:17

yeah but now "open wide, come inside" has a whole new meaning doesn't it :P

Reply

wtf20007 | 10

#1714146 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:19

haha! touche

Reply

marinus_fml | 19

#1714151 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:20

Nope? Unless you have a dirty mind? :p

Reply

maphineRAWRS | 10

#1714193 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:27

I actually have a very, very dirty mind, for your information :p

howweverrr, you do too, cause if you didn't you wouldn't have realised you needed a dirty mind to get the "new meaning".
caught :)

Reply

ricars | 5

#1714530 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 17:46

my favorite one was basket case by green day. those lyrics weren't subtle but I never got it. I just liked the beginning.

Reply

RebelHeart7 | 0

#1714594 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 18:13

ahahahahshs

Reply

starile | 19

#1714613 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 18:16

what is the play school song?

Reply

pokewolfey | 6

#5143588 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 1:54

Like shaggy's "it wasn't me" the line "...butt naked, banging on the bathroom floor." When I was a kid, I'd imagined two adults being naked, but banging their fists on the bathroom floor... I now understand .__.

Reply

Daevas | 18

#6171321 - Tuesday 13 January 2015 0:46

Most of us on FML have dirty minds as well.

Reply

Dave_Davington | 33

#6661034 - Saturday 30 July 2016 4:20

53, the opening theme to an Australian children's TV show.

By beautiful_disast_fml | 2

#1714076 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:10

That is depressing but I'm pretty sure just about every child or teen at some point went through that. I did! but I'm still 16 so that wasn't too long ago.. you'll be ok.. the past is the past :) move on

Reply

drepartor | 0

#1766364 - Monday 29 November 2010 2:51

excatly don't let 1 thing ruin your life you have more life to experience

By chico_can | 0

#1714082 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:11

what's the album?

By antoinemartinez | 0

#1714086 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:11

WTF what cd is that???

By deannoz | 0

#1714097 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:13

It's normal, I went through that stage only 2 years ago. Be happy you didn't stay that way.

Reply

Synistiel | 14

#5198517 - Thursday 29 November 2012 20:25

Wtf are you talking about?

By worldclass | 0

#1714109 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:14

.. what songs? It could be worse!

By gusgus36 | 5

#1714135 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:18

YDI for reading the lyrics! just kidding. well, oh well. your life will continue somehow I bet

By ALBATROSS9080 | 0

#1714137 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 16:18

what songs?