Roommate, the best funniest jokes

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Today, my flatmate woke me up early, saying there was a fire and we had to evacuate. Barely awake, she practically dragged me downstairs and got to the front door. Once we got there, she opened the front door, kneed me in the nuts and pushed me out, locking it behind her. I was only in boxers. FML

By DanJames24 - 24/5/2021 05:01 - United Kingdom - Southsea

Wakey wakey

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Today, I had breakfast with my roommate and he was so loud, my ears felt ready to burst. If I even suggest he needs his hearing checked, he erupts like Mt. Vesuvius. Everyone agrees, he has no "inside voice" and they don't know how to handle his near-shouting to your face either. FML

By Anonymous - 18/5/2021 02:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

On deaf ears

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Today, I came home and heard a noise in the bathroom. I figured it was my girlfriend, so I went over and as the door closed, I told her not to close it because I'd seen her beautiful body before. Turns out it was our roommate. FML

By Anonymous - 26/4/2021 14:00

Right place, wrong body

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Today, my roommate walked in on me going down on my girlfriend in our shared living area. She was embarrassed for about 20 seconds, then pushed my head back down and told me to keep going until he comes back. FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 17:30 - United States - Chicago

Sounds like a keeper, actually

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Today, a year after I moved out with no contact since, my former housemates texted me out of the blue to tell me I'm not invited to their wedding. Seems she thought I'd just turn up and "embarrass" myself. I never indicated that I intended or even wanted to go. FML

By Anonymous - 14/4/2021 23:03

Preventive measures

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Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub when she started to breathe heavily. I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck. She then turned around and said, "Tell my roommate I'm having an asthma attack." FML

By Ekh0es - 11/4/2021 15:30 - United States - Garfield

Sensual moment

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Today, while laying in bed, I let out a huge fart. I then heard my roommate yell from outside my room, "Did you think you were alone?" FML

By morgan - 9/4/2021 23:00

Gas giant

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Today, I realized I could say nothing in my home without being interrupted, talked over, or the subject derailed into a 30 minutes monologue by my housemates. And they wonder why I'm so quiet all the time… FML

By Anonymous - 27/3/2021 20:59 - United States - Pittsburgh

Our house, in the middle of our street

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Today, my housemate, who never cleans, cooked tacos, then left her dishes for the rest of the evening. When shown a bowl of murky water in the sink, she denied it was hers, prompting my vegetarian housemate to clean it. Putting her hand in the bowl, she found a lump of raw taco meat. Yum. FML

By Anonymous - 24/3/2021 17:00

Our house, is a very very very fine house

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Today, my roommate placed something on a shelf I put up, and the whole thing came crashing down. It's been fine for 2 years and now the shelf decides to break? Yeah right, dude. FML

By Anonymous - 17/3/2021 14:02

Where's my anvil?

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Today, my brother and I were nearly made homeless by a good friend and roommate, because after repeatedly leading on my brother, and admitting she’s disrespected me all along, she and her boyfriend took off suddenly without a word of notice, leaving us to a house we can't afford alone. FML

By Anonymous - 8/3/2021 08:01

Roommates from hell

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Today, I discovered that my old roommate had left a full bag of cat litter on my porch and all over my yard. FML

By Dez Johnson - 7/3/2021 11:01

New or used?

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Today, like the rest of the past year, I had to hear my roommate as he works as tech support from home. The man does not have an "inside voice" but echoes across multiple floors like a tuba, as he debugs people's software issues over the phone. Talking to him about it only makes him angry… and louder. FML

By Anonymous - 26/2/2021 05:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Big booming voice issues

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Today, it's the third day in a row my roommate has woken me up with blasting music, after keeping me up late listening to him screaming into his Xbox headset. His kids ate the last of my food. I can't even take a shit without one of them barging in. His whole fucking family is a walking condom commercial. FML

By Looking4AnApartment - 16/2/2021 15:30 - United States - Bellmore

We're all in hell

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Today, I have to listen to my flatmate complaining that ladies don’t shag him anymore since his dad, in Saudi Arabia, cut him off. Apparently, they show a lot of interest until he reveals his financial situation. The dude actually thought he was God's gift to women instead of a mobile ATM. What a tool. FML

By An unemployed doorman - 14/2/2021 20:30 - United Kingdom

Shut your pie hole, please

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Today, it snowed. Rather than enjoy the view, my roommate had to complain every five minutes about the mentally challenged neighbor shovelling snow all day long. As long as he doesn't shovel it into my yard, I really don't care what he does to pass the time in lockdown. FML

By Anonymous - 11/2/2021 15:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

Whine whine whine

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Today, after I told my roommate last week she needed to find a new place to live because I thought she was psychotic, she set my house on fire. FML

By Homeless for the holidays - 13/12/2020 22:58 - United States - Farmington

Pyrotechnics

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Today, I texted my flatmate to ask him when he would be paying his portion of the rent, since he has told me he would be late this month. He wrote back to inform me that he had moved out last night while I was away, and that he won't be paying me anything. FML

By oceangirl - United States

Get back here!

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Today, in the flat I share with four students, I broke our toaster. The night before, they'd successfully managed to toast chicken soup-covered crumpets in it whilst drunk. I tried to toast a teacake, and the whole thing exploded in flames and smoke. Our toaster got taken out by a raisin. FML

By gofixmyhead - United Kingdom

Student life

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Today, I got back from a two-week holiday only to discover my dog missing. After looking for him at animal shelters and putting up missing pet signs, my roommate admitted he lost him in a game of drunk poker. FML

By therealducktape - France

Poker face

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