Accident, the best funniest jokes

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Today, I got into a accident at the dunes, rolling a Razor buggy. Last weekend, I sleepwalked and microwaved my phone. Last month, I gave myself third degree burns while curling my hair. I need to live in a bubble. FML

By bubble wrapped girl - 13/5/2021 19:01 - United States - Medford

Bad omens all around

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Today, I saw maggots dropping from beneath my car. I looked under, to see a rotting paw dangling from my engine. That would explain the smell. FML

By Anonymous - 11/5/2021 16:58 - United States

Roadkill

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Today, on the way to an exam, I got hit by a car. I got back up and limped to class. The teacher wouldn’t let me in because I was 10 seconds late. FML

By king of 8 - 9/5/2021 11:00

Timing

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Today, after spending hundreds of dollars on parts and tools, and hours of research to teach myself how to perform the work, I upgraded my bike. It was also today that I made it 4 blocks from my house on my first ride before I hit a curb and broke my collarbone. FML

By Anonymous - 3/5/2021 02:02

DIY FML

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Today, I was getting ready for work. When I stepped back, my ankle rolled and my fat ass landed on it with my foot sideways under me. Now I’m in a boot for 6 weeks and have 6 weeks of physical therapy ahead of me. FML

By w…… - 28/4/2021 23:01

Heavy load

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Today, a colleague crashed a drone into my almost brand new car. I even asked him before if it was OK to park there or if I should better park somewhere else, and he said, "No problem" and bragged about being the best drone pilot. FML

By macone - 24/4/2021 21:30

Droning on

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Today, I'm recovering from a fall down the basement steps. I was carrying a casserole down to the fridge we have in the basement. I tripped, crashed at the bottom and broke my arm. Our dog came running down to investigate, completely ignored me, and just started eating the casserole off the floor. FML

By Anonymous - 24/4/2021 14:01

Thanks, Shep

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Today, it's been 4 days of recovering from a motorcycle accident. Which happened 5 hours after it was delivered. I went face-first through a garage door. FML

By Dana O'Neil - 24/4/2021 00:30

Two wheels not so good

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Today, it was my first time trying to longboard. I ended up going down a steep hill and didn’t know to how stop. I wound up in the hospital with a fractured knee and bruises all over from trying to stop myself. FML

By Anonymous - 21/4/2021 20:00 - Canada - Toronto

Sick board!

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Today, my house caught fire right before I was supposed to present a school project. My teacher told me to, "just suck it up and do it anyway." FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 18:30 - United States

Compassion? At school?

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Today, my best friend is giving me the silent treatment and has blocked me on Facebook. All because I missed her 30th birthday dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. I’d gotten into a car accident earlier and had to be treated for minor injuries in the ER. FML

By BadFriend - 4/4/2021 20:00 - United States

Compassion

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Today, a man on a bike was so preoccupied with making lewd comments about another girl's behind that he drove straight into mine. FML

By Anonymous - 4/4/2021 08:31 - India - Hosur

Catcaller on a bike!

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Today, I had to explain to a hospital social worker that my young son is not abused, he is just rowdy and that he knocked himself unconscious and shattered 4 teeth in a bizarre stunt involving a tree, my ironing board, a mop bucket and lots of duct tape. I'm not sure the hospital believes me. FML

By Hugh - 3/4/2021 13:00 - United Kingdom

Suspicious minds

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Today, I got the courage to surprise my boyfriend by shaving my pubic region. To my agonizingly painful dismay, the razor sliced through an apparent zit on one of my lips. Now my vagina is bleeding for a whole different reason, and I'm possibly traumatized. FML

By ChloeLuvzAnime - 30/3/2021 17:01

Slicy slicy

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Today, my teenage stepdaughter wrecked her third car texting and driving. I’ve pleaded with my husband to stop buying her new ones and to revoke her driving privileges. He’s so desperate for her to love him that he’ll give her literally anything. I’m scared she’s going to get someone killed. FML

By can’t buy her love - 22/3/2021 18:01 - United States

Menace II Society

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Today, I had to convince policemen I’m not a victim of domestic abuse after I had to go to hospital for a stab wound for the second time since Xmas. I’m just hopelessly clumsy. I managed to stab myself with a screwdriver while opening a paint tin. Last time, it was a knitting needle while knitting Xmas jumpers. FML

By Sarah - 19/3/2021 22:01 - United Kingdom

Stabbed!

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Today, after noticing weight gain, I purchased an ab belt. Despite no gym for around a year now, I assumed I could easily sustain an advanced level workout and put the belt on maximum strength. The first shock catapulted me off my feet and smacked my head into the wall, leaving a noticeable dent. FML

By Demitrius_T - 19/3/2021 07:01 - United Kingdom

Workout

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Today, the dorm above me had their toilet pipe break and leak through my ceiling, so I have to move rooms. The worst part was I answered the door to let the repairman in while I was in pajamas, but he looked uncomfortable. I didn't notice until he left that my 'thing' was poking out. FML

By Anonymous - 18/3/2021 14:58 - United States - Bothell

Check yourself

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Today, my roommate placed something on a shelf I put up, and the whole thing came crashing down. It's been fine for 2 years and now the shelf decides to break? Yeah right, dude. FML

By Anonymous - 17/3/2021 14:02

Where's my anvil?

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Today, I was called a "wimp" and a "pussy" for crying and screaming after lightly bumping my hand on a wall. It’s been five hours and it still feels as though my skin is being ripped off the bones in my hand. FML

By maya - 9/3/2021 20:01

Emergency room time

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Today, I fell on a crack in the pavement and broke my ankle. Next week, I'm supposed to fly interstate to be on a quiz show I've spent two years in the audition process for. FML

By InjuredTriviaNerd - 9/3/2021 09:00 - Australia - Kellyville

Hope there's no dancing involved

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Today, my dad was looking for something in the garage and accidentally knocked over a heavy box, which crushed the new side view mirror I'd bought for my car, because the one my car originally had, he smashed it against a pole while driving my car recently. FML

By Anonymous - 28/2/2021 00:01 - Puerto Rico - Aguas Buenas

Dad, stop driving my car

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Today, I almost burned the house down while changing a lightbulb. FML

By Anonymous - 26/2/2021 07:30 - Australia - Geraldton

Talking Heads song playing?

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Today, I’m a single parent and lately I’ve been working out to get healthier. During a session, I injured my back pretty badly. Now I need help getting out of bed, etc. I just wanted to make sure they wouldn’t ever need to take care of me. FML

By Anonymous - 6/2/2021 11:05

You tried

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Today, I was making Cup Noodles for breakfast. After microwaving it for 3 minutes, I carefully grabbed the cup to pour some water out, but my hand gave out and some water spilled on it. Now I have a burned hand and no noodles. FML

By Anonymous - 11/1/2021 20:02

Clumsy

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Today, I was backing out of my garage when my neighbour's collie ran behind my car. Unfortunately, I didn't see it, but I heard a thump. They were out, so I rushed him to the vet's. I was upset, and I guess I was driving too fast and didn't see that another dog was crossing the road. I killed two dogs today. FML

By Puppy_Killer - 16/12/2020 23:02 - Australia

Murderer!

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Today, I had to squat to retrieve something from the bottom of the cabinet in the bathroom. This caused me to fart and startle myself enough that I jumped and banged my forehead on the sink. FML

By Anonymous - 30/8/2020 13:01 - Australia - Liverpool

10 out 10 for execution

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Today, while leaving a job site, I put a bundle of pipe on my boss's van, picked up a few tools, and left for the day. He called screaming 30 minutes later to inform me that I didn't strap the pipe to the rack. It slid off the van and hit the car in front of him. FML

By Anonymous

Whoops

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Today, after taking my little niece out onto the balcony of her family's new apartment to enjoy the view, we watched as a man jaywalked across the street down below and was run over by a car. My niece is pretty much traumatized for life now. FML

By scarredforlife - Canada - Edmonton

Freaked out

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