Love: Today, my crush took me to a park and told me he loved me. We...

By Mojo - United Kingdom

Today, my crush took me to a park and told me he loved me. We sat on an old bench and were just about to kiss when I screamed. I now have a huge splinter in my arse and he can't stop laughing. FML

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Love

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Running commentary

Medicare for all, please

By SinkingShip - South Africa

Today, it's been two months since I started a three-year contract at a new job. So far, 5 people have resigned. Pretty sure I've joined a sinking ship. FML

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By kellyem2

Today, I found out that when my boss said she was considering bumping me up to full time, she actually meant she was planning on letting me go. Everyone in the office except me knew. FML

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By Rover

Today, unfortunately, my new husband's idea of foreplay is to tap me on the shoulder and tell me to roll over. I saved myself for marriage for this? FML

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By jaydiv - Australia

Today, I saw my cat outside taking a dump. I pulled back the curtain and watched him clean it up, because I found it fascinating that animals can do that. I must have been standing there for several minutes before I noticed the neighbour next door looking at me being fascinated by my cat pooing. FML

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By ihatevideos - United States

Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediately ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML

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By Missa - Canada

False accusation

Today, one of our store's beach balls came out of nowhere and whacked me in the back of my head. I started reaming out two young girls for playing in the store, even when they said it wasn't them. Soon after, one of my employees admitted that it was her. I made some 7-year-olds cry and it wasn't them. FML

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By Gregory - France

Today, while shopping for a pair of shoes, I saw a pair I really liked lying around, so I sat down to try them on. Then, a man came up to me and pointed out that they were actually his shoes. FML

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By Davios - United States

Today, I moved in with an older gentleman renting out a room. Tonight, he had a domestic dispute with his girlfriend who threw a lawn chair at my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2020 02:02

Preventive measures

Today, I was minding my own business when the guy I have a crush on sat down next to me at work, explained that he heard that I had a crush on him and that he was flattered, but that we should "be friends" because I'm a "nice girl". I was rejected by someone I didn't even pursue. FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, I went to the dry-cleaner's and went to get my bag of laundry from my trunk, but I ended up dropping the bag. My dirty underwear blew around the parking lot. I had to chase it all down as a bunch of people looked on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, I discovered that my best friend has been telling everyone at our workplace that I'm faking my pregnancy for attention. She was at every single one of my ultrasounds. FML

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By Economess - United States

Today, after expressing some of my reservations about the amount of work I have to do to accomplish my thesis on time, my graduate advisor compared my search for knowledge to Tom Hanks' odyssey in the movie "Castaway". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mulino

Today, while I was pet-sitting for my boyfriend's parents, one of their dogs killed one of their kittens. FML

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By Notorch - United Kingdom - Cheltenham

Today, I went to see a once-in-a-lifetime moment when the Olympic torch passed through my town. I waited for 3 hours only to get a bruise from a man shoving me out of the way at the exact moment it went past. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Encino

Today, a friend told me that when I read, I make all the expressions the characters in the book are making. Apparently, I have been doing this since I was a kid, and no one ever told me. FML

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By JackAttack - United States

Today, my mom just handed me a book called "100 Ways To Motivate Yourself." FML

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By Chef stupid - United States - Houston

Today, while working at a fine-dining restaurant, I was dicing veggies. I was paying such close attention to make sure the veggies were all the same size, that I managed to cut off the tip of my thumb. FML

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By Scarred for life - United States - Eagle River

Today, I went on a blind date. The first words that came out of his mouth were, "Rape isn't bad if you think about it." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I accidentally called a student in my 10th grade English class "David" instead of "Dylan". Without thinking, I said, "I'm sorry, I just have a lot of d's in my life!". All of my students broke out in mortified laughter. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I was babysitting 3 toddlers. I wanted to entertain them by making them laugh, but nothing worked. Later on, I started down the stairs, but tripped and tumbled down. I realized I have broken my arm and bruised my knees. I also realized that kids think it's hilarious when you get injured. FML

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By nickyniknaim93 - United States

Today, I found out that the electric nose hair clippers that I've been using for the past two years are in fact my father's pubic hair trimmers. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 16:59

Phone call anxiety

Today, I'm making preparations to call a foreign embassy to try to get back a huge sum of money. A close relative was scammed out of it, it seems to be bouncing around a European banking system, and they are not capable of figuring this mess out themselves. It's not even my money, but I feel obligated. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, for the first time, I told my girlfriend of two months that I love her. She broke down in laughter and mockingly asked, "What are you, some kind of queer?" I could've sworn she was mentally older than a 5-year-old when I asked her out. I guess not. FML

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By chumman - United States - New York

Today, I met this overweight chick and ended up sleeping with her. We were doing it doggy style and it was great until she said, "Milk me like a cow." I can no longer drink milk without hearing that in my head. FML

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By mcd - 5/10/2020 08:01 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Rat Race

Today, at work, a man punched me in the face because he said I took his son's job. He meant both me and his son applied for the same job. He also asked to speak to my boss, because he thinks I "cheated." FML

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By axwound - United States

Today, I was in bed with my cat on my lap. No one was around, so I felt comfortable enough to let out a huge fart. What I didn't expect was my cat jumping up and then clawing and biting my crotch. FML

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By ifeelfat - United States

Today, while at the waterpark, some guy came up to me and profusely thanked me for wearing a one-piece swimsuit. FML

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By BarbieKen - United States

Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me I spread my legs to help out then he looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Heavy

Today, a 100-foot maple tree fell on my house. I was inside. I was sleeping. FML

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By Terminator101101 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be funny to go to the Apple store and log me on to Facebook on every single computer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, I was walking to the back office, and I didn't know my manager was following me. After I walked through the door, without looking, I reached behind me to close it. Instead of grabbing the door handle, I got a handful of his crotch. FML

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By dickface - United States - Lewisburg

Today, the cut on my face from getting hit with a baseball healed. It's left a dick-shaped scar. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got a haircut. During dinner, my grandmother complained about it, and said I looked terrible. I've had the exact same haircut for years. FML

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By nomail - United States - Minneapolis

Today, the management office of my apartment building announced it will be keeping packages in the office until you can pick them up. They also posted new hours. There will be someone in the office once a week, for two hours only. I work those two hours, every single week. No more mail for me. FML

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By Hit-and-Run - Mexico - Ju?rez

Today, after an extensive talk with a relationship counselor, we concluded that I'm more likely to get run over by a car than be in a stable relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that I have to reschedule my upcoming honeymoon because my office will be understaffed that week, due to the boss going on vacation right after my wedding. Oh, yeah, and he's in my bridal party. FML

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By awkwardRA

Today, one of my residents was having super loud sex. I'm an RA in a college freshman dorm, and I had to knock on her door and tell her to quiet down. I hate to be a cock-block, but she woke multiple people up, myself included. I live 4 doors down the hall from her. FML

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By bingalingading - United States - Owosso

Today, I was working at a donation center. I was having a really rough day, so my fiancée dropped me off some cookies. At the end of my shift, the manager told me I couldn't take them home because they were donated and therefore they were "company property." FML

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By mattttbob - Australia

Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML

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By blacklove - United States

Today, I got a rose from my boyfriend. The card read "it's over". FML

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Top comments

By girlygirl666 | 0

#720070 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:14

I'll bet this wasn't the first time you had wood in your ass.

By stolencrackers | 1

#720106 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:38

I understand the phase of "crush" is the time you want everything to go "perfectly." Hopefully, you can look back and laugh at it, too. On my 3rd date with my now husband, oh boy did I make a fool of myself I thought for sure he'd think I was crazy.. but we both laughed at it, and now we're happily married!

COMMENTS

By jif_fml | 0

#720061 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:11

i'd laugh too.

AlicaKate | 0

#720066 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:13

o.o

I'm not going out with anyone and I'm in love with someone... There's something wrong with that?

luckyducky123 | 0

#720096 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:33

How old are you? 12?

kerrygirl | 13

#720107 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:38

ya obviously, how do you love someone unless your with them and spending time with them and its more then just a friendship. if your not with the person i do believe its more lust then love....

repyourcliche | 0

#720108 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:39

Yes, there is something totally fundamentally wrong with that. The fact that you even have to ask indicates that you are a sinner and going to hell. Good luck dodging Satan, you sinful excuse for a person.

OP: YDI for being a common cunt, especially as you are female, and saying 'arse' when bottom, bum, ass... etc would have sufficed.

myfriend_youfail | 3

#720295 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 0:49

Pendatic, can you spell "troll"?
Seriously. Don't feed it.

repyourcliche | 0

#724550 - Thursday 17 December 2009 21:11

lol, #12 was my brother. he has a habit of coming on this and commenting. ignore it if it's rubbish like that, it just feeds his already massive ego.

IIzSuperGirl | 0

#751041 - Saturday 2 January 2010 20:29

You dont have to be going out with someone to love them......

Tbh, its stupid to wait like 2 yeArs to say i love you anyway!

kmhm2621 | 0

#2919067 - Monday 18 July 2011 6:33

I've been in love with someone for two years. a year and a half of which we weren't together. It can happen to people, you just know when you love someone. besides being with them and then loving them, that's basically saying that you have to learn how to love him/her. Would it or would it not make more sense to just love someone and not have to learn how to love them? It's almost like with a baby, you love him/her before you know him/her. See what I'm saying??

Jaxissocute | 0

#3480325 - Monday 24 October 2011 2:48

Haha I would of laughed to

Jaxissocute | 0

#3480328 - Monday 24 October 2011 2:48

Haha I would of laughed to

By kerrygirl | 13

#720062 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:11

so ye weren't even going out and he said he loves you........hmmmmmmmm okay........

infernofalcon | 0

#721933 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 3:18

FHL for having a splinter dick.

luis_r96 | 4

#3083319 - Thursday 11 August 2011 6:14

Wats an arse haha

By girlygirl666 | 0

#720070 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:14

I'll bet this wasn't the first time you had wood in your ass.

raw_tigahh | 2

#867528 - Thursday 18 February 2010 3:50

^win^

cutiepie343 | 7

#2513831 - Sunday 15 May 2011 12:54

^win

Honda288 | 2

#3137228 - Friday 19 August 2011 5:41

Win!

By powersmoke | 0

#720073 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:17

You meant to say he dropped his pants, positioned his splinter, and you sat on him while the "splinter" slid in your cornhole.

gueeterman | 4

#720088 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:28

FUCKING WIN!

pshnoway | 0

#720254 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 0:25

#5, I love you. But not in the creepy crush way.

By great_lawl | 0

#720075 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:20

why would you scream

nomnom5559922 | 0

#3073733 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 22:07

Have YOU ever gotten a splinter up YOUR butt?

By Sindy_fml | 4

#720080 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:24

#5.

By stolencrackers | 1

#720106 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:38

aquariusangel420 | 0

#2183402 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 5:55

Rude much douche

By youthink_fml | 0

#720118 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:44

So what? Not even close to an FML.

By sportsnut | 0

#720124 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:46

i would say this is a great story to tell the kids some day, but crushes are for high school and you are far too immature to know or even begin to understand what love is. I give this a year...maybe two and you'll be through

laudie | 0

#3944106 - Thursday 26 January 2012 5:47

Yea because u kno this random person on fml so well that u kno she's immature...

By workstinks | 0

#720131 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:52

http://www.ihatestacy.com/index.php?id=fb50c4ac3f7b83ea66412c1ef3d708b8