Today, my crush took me to a park and told me he loved me. We...

By Mojo - 14/12/2009 17:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my crush took me to a park and told me he loved me. We sat on an old bench and were just about to kiss when I screamed. I now have a huge splinter in my arse and he can't stop laughing. FML

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Love

Dangling modifier

Serious times

The student becomes the master

By bumpyroad - 17/4/2011 14:29 - Australia

Today, my husband and I were diagnosed with herpes. We've been together for five years and were both virgins before. Even the doctor couldn't give any other explanation. FML

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By ashley_skillz06 - 24/1/2010 05:21 - France

Today, I went to a Japanese restaurant. While the chef is throwing food at us, I'm getting ready for my turn. He tosses the piece of broccoli at me, I lean back to catch it, completely falling off my chair. I knocked everything over and had the packed restaurant laughing at me. FML

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By killmenow - 19/2/2009 21:52 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after a year of living together. She told me that she met someone else and wanted to move out. She moved out... but moved her things into my roommate's bedroom. FML

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By Lapis - 20/12/2009 19:42 - United States

Today, I woke up to a quite frigid room, which wasn't out of the ordinary since my building's heat is broken. But I realized that the extra cold I was feeling was due to the snow piled up on my bed. It had snowed 20 inches last night. My mom had apparently opened my window. FML

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By ForeverLost - 26/3/2020 20:21

Together, forever

Today, my wife asked me for a divorce, shortly after I found out she's been having an affair. Then our county placed us on quarantine for Covid-19. Now I'm stuck living with her until it goes away. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2013 14:01 - United States - Shelby

Today, I stayed in a hotel near the college I was applying for a scholarship. We were eating breakfast and there were some other applicants in the breakfast room. As we walked away, my mother yelled, "My daughter's gonna get this scholarship so there's no reason for you muddafuckas to show up." FML

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By sober judge - 3/10/2013 03:46 - United States - Enfield

Today, I'm in a military academy with a strict no alcohol policy. My friends drunk call me practically every night to tell me how much fun they are having. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2014 15:36 - Afghanistan - Kabul

Today, thinking we'd still be able to finish our project in time for tomorrow's deadline, my work group put off doing any work until today. When we logged into the website we have to use, we found it was down for maintenance all day. FML

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By Flubber - 7/2/2009 05:44 - Australia

Today, I had a meeting at work. My boss was there as well as her boss, and a few other managers and directors. We started discussing politics in the context of our latest project. I tried to say "erratic election". I almost succeeded. FML

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By Nickname - 28/7/2011 02:02 - United States

Today, I was browsing the web when I checked the search history. Turns out my son has been searching for "nude grills" and "hot grills." Not only is my 12-year-old son attempting to find porn on the internet, he also can't spell. FML

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By postop - 26/6/2015 03:06 - United States - Far Rockaway

Today, I woke up to my mother telling me to sit up and get dressed because we had to go before it was too late. I just woke up from surgery. She didn't want to be stuck in traffic. FML

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By Motha - 9/4/2014 05:17 - United States - West Jordan

Today, my obsession with saying "your mom" reached a new level when my anatomy teacher asked what I did with my pencil. FML

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By notpreggers - 8/2/2009 00:54 - United States

Today, the creepy skin care guy at the mall with the heavy accent asked me if I was pregnant. When I said no he replied "Oh, too many donuts then?" FML

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By NotAParabola - 7/10/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I tried to surprise my boyfriend over webcam with a cute negligee. He was doing homework. Half an hour later, he finally noticed. Apparently pre-calc is more interesting than his girlfriend. I guess polynomials are just curvier than me. FML

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By chestycough - 16/9/2013 04:35 - Australia - Belrose

Today, my doctor asked me to undo my bra so he could check my breathing without the straps restricting my lungs, I got home and told my friends how awkward it was. Not one of them has had this happen to them before. We all go to the same doctor. FML

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By GrannyAt22 - 22/6/2010 01:28 - Canada

Today, I had to buy a wrist brace for a repetitive strain injury. I got the injury because I was knitting too much. I'm 22. FML

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By Courtney - 21/7/2011 09:54 - United States

Today, I found out my grandmother has severe road rage after she complained about Pennsylvania drivers for over an hour, then decided to rear end one because he wouldn't get out of her way. FML

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By fuck - 14/8/2011 19:31 - United States

Today, while out shopping, I noticed a seedy bum kept following a girl around the store. Trying to be a good samaritan, I trailed them into the street. The bum jogged up behind her and looked like he was about to grab her, so I ran up and tackled him to the ground. Turns out he was her father. FML

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By sadinthesack - 31/8/2009 18:56 - United States

Today, I was making love to my girlfriend and was pretty impressed with myself for lasting through multiple songs. Then I realized her ipod was playing a medley. I only lasted 3 1/2 minutes. FML

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By Tess - 18/3/2020 02:01 - United States - Burlington

The Haunting of FML House

Today, hidden deep in my husband's closet, I found a shrine dedicated to a woman named Felicity. After further investigation, I saw printouts of my husband's detailed fantasies of phone sex conversations with Felicity. Felicity was his first wife, and has been dead for nine years. FML

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By pissedexworker - 18/12/2010 15:10 - United States

Today, I found out that being rushed unconscious to the hospital and missing work qualifies you for termination if you don't call in, even if you have a note from the ER doctor. FML

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By Hairball - 10/12/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, my coworker asked to borrow my nail clippers so he could take care of a hangnail. He went to the bathroom, which I thought was polite, but when he got back to his desk and returned my clippers, there were little curly hairs stuck inside. He's bald. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2014 20:38 - United States - Pittsburg

Today, I witnessed some greasy twat trying to chat a girl up by negging her, which is basically insulting a woman to lower her self-esteem so she's more likely to put out. "Goddamn negger", I muttered. "The fuck did you just say?!" yelled a black guy standing beside me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2019 00:00 - United Kingdom

Not funny anymore

Today at work, the security threw out an old man in his 80s that had been caught masturbating while hiding in the ladies changing room. I thought it was funny until my manager told me to clean up that very same changing room with the old man spunk all over the wall and floor. FML

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By k.k. - 5/2/2017 14:00 - United States - Seymour

Today, I left 20 minutes early for school to get a good seat in class. I sat in traffic for 20 minutes before I even got on the thruway and for another 25 minutes once I got off the exit for school. Then I couldn't find parking at my university. I missed class. FML

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By fthis - 27/1/2009 17:58 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend for an hour listening to him talk about his new truck and his final exams. I literally did not say a single word. Just as I said, "Hey baby, guess what happened to me today?", he says, "Can I go to sleep? I'm too tired to guess. Night." FML

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By poolfail - 6/8/2014 21:14

Today, at the pool, I decided to face my fears and go off the high dive. I slipped off the edge and did a barrel roll into the pool while screaming like a little girl. FML

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By babymine - 9/3/2012 04:45 - United States

Today, I was boarding a plane and a woman's bag started to fall. In the spur of the moment I thrust my arm up to catch it. I didn't catch the bag, but I did catch her boob. I had to sit next to her for the rest of the flight. FML

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By needmorelocks - 3/7/2012 05:36 - United States - Santa Paula

Today, my mom called to chew me out for having my sister arrested. My sister broke into my apartment, rearranged my living room, and claimed she now lived with me. She then threatened me with a butcher's knife for not appreciating what she had done. My mom wants me to pay the bail. FML

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By neoteck - 8/1/2009 07:55 - France

Today, I was talking to a charming young lady on MSN by webcam. She suddenly asked me to take my glasses off for a minute; I did so, and she said, "Oh never mind, you're still just as ugly..." FML

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By Username - 3/3/2010 16:34 - France

Today, I found out exactly what Ducolax stool softener is all about. Holy colon cleanse Batman! FML

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By Toothless - 7/10/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, I was eating ice cream and struggling to chew a particularly hard chunk of chocolate. After finally breaking it into pieces, I spat it out because it tasted terrible. Then I discovered that I was missing my temporary crown. Now I have no upper molar. FML

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By ButImBeautiful - 4/2/2017 02:00 - United Kingdom - Cheltenham

Today, a little girl came up to me and told me I looked like a foot. Thanks a bunch, darling. FML

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By shaggyberaddy - 5/1/2018 05:00

Christmas Chaos

Today, I spent 15 minutes trying to get my cat out of our seven-foot Christmas tree. Once he was done, he tore about the house and broke the nativity scene, beheading baby Jesus and a wise man in the process. The tree is fucked. FML

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By rubberduck_of_doom - 9/3/2018 19:00

Today, after months of begging, I finally convinced my friends to go skiing with me. On our first run I suggested a race. Everybody loved the idea. Good news: I came in first. Bad news: I tore a ligament in my knee. It will be operated on tomorrow. FML

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By tommy - 6/6/2009 12:41 - United States

Today, I called my friend in Australia to have a nice long chat, what I did not know was that my dad had removed my international calling plan, I talked to my friend for 5 hours, and ran up a huge phone bill, which I have to take out of the money I saved up to go see her. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 03:00 - United States

Today, I let my boyfriend sleep over at my house for the first time. Upon arriving, he tossed his stuff on the floor and said "I gotta take a piss, where's your shower?" FML

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By stupidassgeek - 15/6/2016 13:22 - Australia - Moonee Ponds

Today, I opened up my laptop to replace a faulty chip inside, which took me half an hour. When I closed it all up again, I saw the replacement part in its packaging on my desk. FML

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By joshualover - 23/9/2010 02:29 - United States

Today, I was driving through my neighborhood when I heard a siren. I looked into my rear view mirror and saw a motorcycle, so I pulled over. The motorcycle drove by, and it turned out to be an old lady with a leather jacket. The siren was in a song on the radio. FML

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By Nickel - 1/6/2017 04:00

Today, my mom's friend came over. She brought her son and claimed that we could have bonding time. I ended up chasing the five-year-old around the house for an hour. After they'd left, my mom saw that the little kid had broken a lamp and a clock. She then said I had to pay for it using my money. FML

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Top comments

By girlygirl666 | 0

#720070 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:14

I'll bet this wasn't the first time you had wood in your ass.

By stolencrackers | 1

#720106 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:38

I understand the phase of "crush" is the time you want everything to go "perfectly." Hopefully, you can look back and laugh at it, too. On my 3rd date with my now husband, oh boy did I make a fool of myself I thought for sure he'd think I was crazy.. but we both laughed at it, and now we're happily married!

COMMENTS

By jif_fml | 0

#720061 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:11

i'd laugh too.

AlicaKate | 0

#720066 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:13

o.o

I'm not going out with anyone and I'm in love with someone... There's something wrong with that?

luckyducky123 | 0

#720096 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:33

How old are you? 12?

kerrygirl | 13

#720107 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:38

ya obviously, how do you love someone unless your with them and spending time with them and its more then just a friendship. if your not with the person i do believe its more lust then love....

repyourcliche | 0

#720108 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:39

Yes, there is something totally fundamentally wrong with that. The fact that you even have to ask indicates that you are a sinner and going to hell. Good luck dodging Satan, you sinful excuse for a person.

OP: YDI for being a common cunt, especially as you are female, and saying 'arse' when bottom, bum, ass... etc would have sufficed.

myfriend_youfail | 3

#720295 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 0:49

Pendatic, can you spell "troll"?
Seriously. Don't feed it.

repyourcliche | 0

#724550 - Thursday 17 December 2009 21:11

lol, #12 was my brother. he has a habit of coming on this and commenting. ignore it if it's rubbish like that, it just feeds his already massive ego.

IIzSuperGirl | 0

#751041 - Saturday 2 January 2010 20:29

You dont have to be going out with someone to love them......

Tbh, its stupid to wait like 2 yeArs to say i love you anyway!

kmhm2621 | 0

#2919067 - Monday 18 July 2011 6:33

I've been in love with someone for two years. a year and a half of which we weren't together. It can happen to people, you just know when you love someone. besides being with them and then loving them, that's basically saying that you have to learn how to love him/her. Would it or would it not make more sense to just love someone and not have to learn how to love them? It's almost like with a baby, you love him/her before you know him/her. See what I'm saying??

Jaxissocute | 0

#3480325 - Monday 24 October 2011 2:48

Haha I would of laughed to

Jaxissocute | 0

#3480328 - Monday 24 October 2011 2:48

Haha I would of laughed to

By kerrygirl | 13

#720062 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:11

so ye weren't even going out and he said he loves you........hmmmmmmmm okay........

infernofalcon | 0

#721933 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 3:18

FHL for having a splinter dick.

luis_r96 | 4

#3083319 - Thursday 11 August 2011 6:14

Wats an arse haha

By girlygirl666 | 0

#720070 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:14

I'll bet this wasn't the first time you had wood in your ass.

raw_tigahh | 2

#867528 - Thursday 18 February 2010 3:50

^win^

cutiepie343 | 7

#2513831 - Sunday 15 May 2011 12:54

^win

Honda288 | 2

#3137228 - Friday 19 August 2011 5:41

Win!

By powersmoke | 0

#720073 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:17

You meant to say he dropped his pants, positioned his splinter, and you sat on him while the "splinter" slid in your cornhole.

gueeterman | 4

#720088 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:28

FUCKING WIN!

pshnoway | 0

#720254 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 0:25

#5, I love you. But not in the creepy crush way.

By great_lawl | 0

#720075 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:20

why would you scream

nomnom5559922 | 0

#3073733 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 22:07

Have YOU ever gotten a splinter up YOUR butt?

By Sindy_fml | 4

#720080 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:24

#5.

By stolencrackers | 1

#720106 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:38

aquariusangel420 | 0

#2183402 - Tuesday 15 March 2011 5:55

Rude much douche

By youthink_fml | 0

#720118 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:44

So what? Not even close to an FML.

By sportsnut | 0

#720124 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:46

i would say this is a great story to tell the kids some day, but crushes are for high school and you are far too immature to know or even begin to understand what love is. I give this a year...maybe two and you'll be through

laudie | 0

#3944106 - Thursday 26 January 2012 5:47

Yea because u kno this random person on fml so well that u kno she's immature...

By workstinks | 0

#720131 - Monday 14 December 2009 20:52

http://www.ihatestacy.com/index.php?id=fb50c4ac3f7b83ea66412c1ef3d708b8