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Das wat u get hoomin

By Ray - 13/08/2017 23:15 - United States

Today, we took my cat to get her shots. She screeched and clamored in the car until I took her out of the carrier and held her in my lap… where she immediately pooped on my new white pants and then hid under the seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 132

You deserved it 2 464

Thanks but no thanks.

By Anonymous - 26/08/2017 16:00

Today, as my husband and I were leaving our wedding reception, my mother-in-law hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You're gonna do great tonight!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 487

You deserved it 493

One of those people

By B-Ry - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I had a date with a girl. The chemistry was just right and she seemed perfect in every way until she staunchly insisted that the earth is flat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 890

You deserved it 415

By anonymous - 06/07/2016 13:53 - United States

Today, I got a question wrong on an exam. The question started with, "In your opinion..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 665

You deserved it 2 000

Mommy's boy

By simon - 11/01/2018 06:00

Today, my mother, who insists on sticking her nose into every aspect of my life, found out I'm only "middle management" and called my boss to criticize her for undervaluing me, demanding I be promoted immediately. I'm now the laughing stock of my office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 421

You deserved it 550

By Anonymous - 11/06/2016 14:27 - United States

Today, I proposed to my boyfriend. He said yes, but is now sulking because I took away his "manhood". Jeez, sorry I didn't want to wait another 7 years for you to finally do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 024

You deserved it 2 041

Good morning!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff - United States - Fairbanks

Today, while I brewed myself a cup of coffee, my best friend began screwing around with a can opener like it was nunchucks. He looked at me and said, "Wouldn't it suck if…" as he flung it around, and one of the handles flew off, directly into my testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 232

You deserved it 269

By anonymous - 26/05/2016 03:45 - United States - Boise

Today, the first thing I noticed about my blind date was the clump of nose hairs sticking out and mingling with his beard. In an effort to not stare, I periodically glanced away. After a while, he asked which guy I was into at the table next to us, because I was spending so much time looking in that direction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 881

You deserved it 1 961

Shrek is love. Shrek is life.

By EarScentedCandle - 27/05/2018 15:00 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, after watching Shrek, my little brother started collecting his earwax to make it into a candle like Shrek did. I can’t get him to throw it away even after bribing him with bags of candy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 226

You deserved it 340

By Anonymous - 10/06/2018 15:00

Today, I ended up in the hospital due to a severe acid reflux attack. I knew I had acid reflux for years, but was never allowed to get it checked out. Why? My dad told me I was too young to have it and that I was making it up. I now have to see a specialist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 190

You deserved it 280

Strawberry surprise

By Anonymous - 02/06/2020 17:00

Spicy

Today, my husband got home and shouted he had a surprise for me. I shouted back that I hoped it was his tasty knob with strawberry lube. Nope, he'd picked up my grandparents for a visit now social isolation is being relaxed. They might be in their 80’s but they’re not deaf, unfortunately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 922

You deserved it 903

By WHY - 01/04/2016 00:58 - United States - Fairfax

Today, I planned on "breaking up" with my best friend by confessing my love for her, hoping she would feel different and move on. She reciprocated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 970

You deserved it 33 113

By thanks, fuckface - 16/11/2012 19:42 - United States - Parachute

Spicy

Today, just as I was about to orgasm, my boyfriend whispered, "Cum, my preciousssss" into my ear, in his scarily accurate Gollum voice. I think my clitoris just about withered away in despair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 242

You deserved it 4 179

By donguigeek - 24/12/2015 04:32 - France

Today, my 4-year-old son is distraught. This morning we saw a man, dressed as Santa, passed out drunk on a public bench. My son is now convinced that it was his corpse, and that Santa Claus is dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 450

You deserved it 1 972

By Dexter_39476 - 24/01/2016 05:40 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I found out my family refers to my room as "The Virgin Cave". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 466

You deserved it 2 832

By Mia - 12/12/2018 12:30 - India - Mumbai

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get it on. That's when the bell rang. He said, 'I'll just be back'. 5 minutes later, still no sign of him. I wrapped myself in a towel and went to the hall. Turns out his new PS4 had arrived. He said, 'I forgot you were here, sorry' and continued to play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 913

You deserved it 469

Look! Look!

By skinnydick - 20/02/2017 04:00 - United States - Clifton Park

Spicy

Today, while riding the bus, I saw my ex-girlfriend get on. Despite several seats being open, she specifically sat next to me. I was at first happy, thinking she might want to make up. Nope, she instead blocked me in with her bag and spent the entire time showing me pictures of her new lover's dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 061

You deserved it 1 136

Noise annoys

By mandythepandy - 04/03/2017 04:00

Today, same as every other day, I had to pick up around 8 spoons because my cats love to take them and drop them on the floor around my house so they can listen to the noise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 575

You deserved it 1 071

By Anonymous - 23/03/2017 22:00

Today, my parents met my boyfriend for the first time. They spent the entire meal trying to convince him to dump me, all while I was sitting right next to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 633

You deserved it 401

By strawberry - 17/11/2015 17:51 - United States - Colorado Springs

Spicy

Today, I went to see a movie with a seemingly nice guy after a friend set us up. As soon as the movie started, he unzipped his pants and told me to, "Get to it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 570

You deserved it 2 664

Congrats!

By Congrats? - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Charleston

Today, I discovered that my father is getting married. Overjoyed and confused because I didn't know he was dating, I called him up to congratulate him, and ask who she was. Apparently, his soon to be fiancée is my mother-in-law. My wife is not happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 189

You deserved it 1 937

By meunluckycharms - 14/09/2015 19:54 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I brought a boy home for the first time, only to have my dad ask him what his mother's maiden name was. When he answered, my dad exclaimed, "Oh yeah! I think I dated her in high school. I could be your father!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 712

You deserved it 1 852

By dannidoll93 - 22/08/2015 14:59 - United Kingdom - Padiham

Spicy

Today, I came home from a stay at my girlfriend's place. My little brother stepped on my bag and accidentally switched my vibrator on. I told him the buzzing sound was my electric toothbrush. He went to the bathroom and came back with the toothbrush. He won't stop asking what's in my bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 214

You deserved it 5 603

dannidoll93 tells us more.

dannidoll93 24

Sunday 23 August 2015 16:52

OP here, clearing a few things up. This actually happened a couple of years ago before I moved out but thought it would make a fun FML. The girlfriend and I are both female. I had unpacked the rest of my bag (including my toothbrush) when I got home but was waiting until everyone had cleared out of my room to put the vibrator away. :) I just did my best to avoid his questions until he forgot! I'm enjoying all the comments :D

Giving

By nt121511 - 03/08/2016 22:40

Today, I woke up after a long night of taking care of my drunken husband. I guess I should feel lucky I don't have a generic, "He wet the bed in his sleep" story, and instead have a unique, "He got out of bed and peed on me" story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 154

You deserved it 1 159

By Anonymous - 30/07/2016 03:14

Today, my girlfriend dumped me after I told her I was learning how to start having lucid dreams. She was convinced the only reason I could possibly want to have them was so I could cheat on her in my own dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 400

You deserved it 1 345

By twit - 16/03/2009 01:14 - United States

Today, a girl-scout asked me to buy cookies, in front of Giant. She looked nice, so I bought 5 boxes from her. She took the money and went home with her mom. I opened the boxes when I got home and realized that the boxes just had rocks in them. I got scammed by a girl-scout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 237 742

You deserved it 39 155

By Donewiththis - 21/06/2016 05:35

Today, my cat was diagnosed with FIV, to which my in-laws said, "That's impossible!" Apparently, what is possible though is that aliens are stealing their pool water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 040

You deserved it 866

I like what you've done with the place

By Scammed - 05/06/2016 18:26 - Mexico - Mexicali

Today, a week after spending most of my paycheck on a down-payment and rent on a new apartment, I found out the "landlord" I paid was a scammer. Turns out the real owner was away on vacation, and he'd stolen most of her stuff before showing me the place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 845

You deserved it 1 406

By iams - 30/08/2018 06:00

Today, I found out my mom is banging my ex-boyfriend's best friend. He’s 22 and my mom is 50. Oh, and not only does my ex know, but so does the whole town. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 561

You deserved it 346

Thanks, I hate it!

By poorkids - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Auburn

Today, my daughter called me telling me she had her twin girls. She named them Juli and Anne. Her name is Julianne. Her kids are going to fucking hate her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 439

You deserved it 4 159

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The Top

The Top

Today, I accidentally left my bedroom light on all day. When I got home, my mum screamed at me for wasting electricity. This is the same woman who leaves the TV on all day while she’s at work, all so our dogs have something to watch and won't be “bored”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 187

You deserved it 1 476

Today, a guy I've been seeing for a while sent me a link to a porn site, with the message, "Holy fuck, isn't this your mom?!" Thinking he was joking around, I clicked the link just to see what sick shit he wanted to show me. It was my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 674

You deserved it 3 706

Today, my family and I went over to our new neighbors' house, to sing a carol and say hello. The only response we got was a door slammed in our faces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 495

You deserved it 32 058

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 869

You deserved it 302

Today, my work decided to fire me. Three days ago, I sat down with my boss and asked if they could fix the sewage leak in my office, and maybe look into how loud it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 881

You deserved it 83

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years, who I love with every fiber in my body, just told me that he's not attracted to me. Not in any way, shape, or form. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 207

You deserved it 141