Today, my girlfriend and I went to see a horror movie. It ended...

By Nick - 22/5/2018 01:30

Today, my girlfriend and I went to see a horror movie. It ended up scaring her so badly that she refused to leave our bed all night long, even to pee. I have to clean the mattress now. FML

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By Kara - 15/12/2011 21:43 - United States

Today, my downstairs neighbor had a home birth. Not only did I hear eighteen hours of uninterrupted screaming, they called me afterwards, asking if I could come over to help them clean up. FML

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By whathehell - 27/4/2013 08:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking through a rough part of town, when a woman screamed that I'd stolen her bag. I was tackled to the ground by a large guy, who then gave my bag to her. FML

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By ohdear. - 29/3/2014 23:07 - United Kingdom - London

Today, while searching a woman for contraband as part of my job, she kept making sexual noises throughout. After I finished, she hugged me and went on her way. I really need a new job. FML

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By howaboutno - 14/3/2013 09:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend, whom I haven't heard from in a whole month, turned up at my door because it was apparently "steak and blowjob day." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2013 07:44 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I had to spend a few hours in a hospital with a toddler and a preschooler projecting vomit all over, because my husband thinks "expiration dates are for pussies." FML

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By Annoyed - 15/1/2017 18:00

Today, while giving my boyfriend what I thought was an amazing blow job, he asked me if I'd seen Kung Fu Panda 3 yet. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2015 14:47 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got a surprise raise and a promotion at work. Hours after accepting, our company was raided by police on fraud charges. Due to my new managerial position, I had to get grilled by cops. I may not have a job at all next week. FML

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By childdreamkiller - 8/12/2011 17:41 - Canada

Today, I took my daughter to see Santa at the mall. When I went to pick her up from Santa's lap, my watch snagged on his beard, pulling it off in front of my daughter and about twenty kids in line. My daughter still isn't speaking to me. FML

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By anonymous - 2/11/2015 03:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, was the first time giving head to my boyfriend. He couldn't finish, so I tried a handjob. In the end he kind of pushed my hand away so he could finish himself off. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2018 16:00 - United States - Trenton

Today, I told my girlfriend I wanted to tell her something important. Coincidentally, she did too. She wanted to tell me that she thinks she's actually gay. I wanted to tell her I love her. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2010 16:27 - United States

Today, we had our first rainstorm in weeks. Thirty seconds before it started, my window broke in the "down" position from overuse, since last week the air conditioning in my car gave out. Now I have a hot, wet car. FML

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By anonymous - 21/2/2010 15:16 - United States

Today, I was checking out a gorgeous woman in spandex with beautiful flowing long black hair on the treadmill at the gym. I spent a few minutes just watching her body move and ripple under the material. She turned off the treadmill and got off, only for me to find out that it was a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 05:49 - United States

Today, as I spent my last $6 on groceries, the woman at the register gave me a dirty look because I declined to donate $1 to a children's charity. My six year old son immediately chimed in with, "Mommy, why aren't you helping the poor children?" FML

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By walnutbladder - 7/1/2011 21:46 - United States

Today, I realized that every time I hear running water, I have less than a minute to find a toilet or I'll pee my pants. FML

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By Iarla_ceapaire93 - 16/6/2015 17:27 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went to the gym to try to get into shape. While I was running on the treadmill, my beer belly pushed against the emergency stop button, twice. FML

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By fun in functioning, I suppose - 20/1/2015 19:54 - United States - Starkville

Today, I texted my boyfriend a few dirty messages at lunch time and told him how badly I wanted him home. He texted back lecturing me on how I shouldn't be so drunk so early. I was totally sober, but now I need a drink. FML

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By sopissed - 13/6/2012 18:13 - United States - Laurel

Today, I went to take my driver's test, and I did almost everything perfectly. The last thing was to back into a driveway. As I went to put my hand on the passenger seat to look over my shoulder, I got so nervous that I hit my instructor in the face. FML

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By - 29/12/2020 14:00

Fancy Hobo

Today, I decided to change my name on YouTube to Fancy Hobo and then proceeded to send an email to a well-admired professor. Little did I know my email was linked to YouTube. Yes, Fancy Hobo sent a very professional email about registration for Grad School. FML

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By iamrose - 13/6/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, as I was rehearsing a kissing scene for a play, I realized that before this play, the last guy I had kissed was the same one I was kissing now. It was also for a play. Four and a half years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2014 08:13 - United States - Seaside

Today, at work, I gave a piece of candy to a co-worker I have a crush on. She looked at me weirdly and walked away. I then remembered that my friend wrote "penis" on the wrapper. FML

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By fire - 15/12/2009 00:00 - United States

Today, I had to call 911. Why? My fireplace caught on fire. FML

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By and not even in the good way - 30/3/2014 20:36 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to smack my daughter's head gently with a balloon. It hit her hair clip and exploded. She won't stop crying, and my wife will be home any minute. I'm screwed. FML

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By philip708 - 27/8/2015 06:46 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I helped an old man who fell over. Turns out he was drunk and had pissed himself. He decided to thank me with a hug. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2016 22:46 - Switzerland

Today, my boss and I were bragging about our new phones. I unlocked mine to show its awesome display, and accidentally opened a job search app. FML

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By Belle - 8/4/2016 18:11 - United States - Berwyn

Today, all of the long hours I've spent rehearsing paid off because tonight I'll be the lead at the opening show of my school musical. This is a dream come true. Too bad I just got bronchitis. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2012 07:42 - United States - Fresno

Today, I had three things converge that should never be together: my period, hot doctor, and a colonoscopy. FML

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By spellbound - 19/12/2012 14:59 - Australia - Perth

Today, someone painted the "Dark Mark" on the side of my car. It won't come off and my kids refuse to get in because it means "a wizard died in there." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2013 22:25 - United States - Statham

Today, my son's lemonade stand was robbed by a senior citizen. FML

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By Username - 3/10/2010 00:12 - France

Today, my boyfriend wanted to prove how honest he is so he showed me numerous texts in his phone where he told other women he was in a relationship before asking them to sleep with him. FML

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By Bro - 25/3/2019 12:00

Today, I found out that my wife of five years is also my half-sister. She has no idea, I don't know how to tell her, and I've never been more turned on. FML

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By inapickle - 16/5/2012 08:20 - United States - Topsham

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me as I was browsing a baby name website. I explained to him that I was naming characters for a novel I was planning to write, but he is completely convinced that I'm pregnant, and has even told his parents. FML

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By Paul - 8/8/2011 01:49 - United States

Today, some cops came to my house saying that the neighbors thought the party I was having was too loud and obnoxious. It was my grandmother's 86 birthday party. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2018 01:30

WTF?

Today, I went to my fiancé's mother's funeral. His step-sister proudly announced that she's pregnant with his baby and they are engaged. FML

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By sad as shit - 1/1/2016 00:41 - United States - Conway

Today, my life finally seemed to be getting on track after recovering from major depression, paying off most of my debt, and scoring an amazing job. And then I woke up. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2014 13:43 - Germany - Munich

Today, after finally finishing a huge internal rebranding project at work, which I've poured blood, sweat and tears into over the last 12 months, I found out we're being acquired by another company and that our new brand will no longer exist. FML

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By Angelofkarma - 25/5/2009 18:05 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it'd be a nice reminder of him for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2009 10:53 - United States

Today, my best friend, the man who I've been in love with for nine years, finally told me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Unfortunately, it was while he was using me to practice proposing to his girlfriend. FML

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By Dispute - 8/8/2011 05:30 - Canada

Today, I was driving home from a long day at work fixing people's electronics. When I got home, I got a call from work saying I needed to go back and help a customer with their TV again. When I got there, after an hour of driving, I realized I'd accidentally kicked the power cord out. FML

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By maxthndr - 10/2/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, my wife found out my son masturbated and wanted to send him to counseling. Thinking she was overreacting, I told her I masturbated when I was a teen so he should turn out like me. She began sobbing uncontrollably. FML

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Top comments

By ajh1800 | 25

#7637498 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 3:32

Why wouldn't she just wake you up to go to the bathroom with her? That seems like it would be easier than having to clean a matress...

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7637472 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 1:58

Geez, what the heck did you see? That awful looking Peter Rabbit movie from Sony?

COMMENTS

By LebanonBaby | 26

#7637467 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 1:41

Shows how sweet you are to her though! Next time, make it a romance 😂

By Zekfen | 17

#7637470 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 1:48

At least you didn’t get pissy about it!

By Mental_1456 | 26

#7637471 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 1:53

I would advise having a long think about your relationship. Because you being sweet would have been nice, had it been an accident. But if she consciously made the decision to pee in the bed over something so trivial, imagine her reaction to real threats and issues.

RinoaHeartilly | 36

#7637504 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 4:39

So true.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7637472 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 1:58

Geez, what the heck did you see? That awful looking Peter Rabbit movie from Sony?

By Emma Marshall | 19

#7637492 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 3:11

Why do you have to clean it? Make her.

Spiritbird | 17

#7637495 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 3:19

My thoughts too.

By Spiritbird | 17

#7637494 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 3:18

You ignored the YPB 'You will Piss in Bed' rating. YDI dude :)

By ajh1800 | 25

#7637498 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 3:32

Why wouldn't she just wake you up to go to the bathroom with her? That seems like it would be easier than having to clean a matress...

By RichardPencil | 28

#7637499 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 3:39

Sounds like a real-life horror movie started after the movie-house film. Your movie has the extra scary dimension of smell! I can smell-ell-ell-ell the pee already!!! Yikes!

By RinoaHeartilly | 36

#7637503 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 4:38

Your girlfriend is a spoiled child.

By PropsandPieces613 | 20

#7637508 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 5:37

Not going to lie...now I’m curious as to what movie it was.