Love and Health: Today, my girlfriend and I went to see a horror movie. It ended...

By Nick

Today, my girlfriend and I went to see a horror movie. It ended up scaring her so badly that she refused to leave our bed all night long, even to pee. I have to clean the mattress now. FML

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Love

Health

BO Central

Messed up

What did I do?

By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, at my retail job, I tried on one of our hats. My co-worker told me I shouldn't because I could get lice. I laughed it off and told her I didn't believe her. Man, do I believe her now. FML

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By Username - Canada

Perks

Today, I had to give a reference for a former employee. I tried to say he was always willing to give us a hand on the job. Instead, I said he was always willing to give us hand-jobs. FML

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By Judy69 - United States - Dekalb

Today, things were getting heated between me and the guy I like, and we were about to have sex. I told him to turn the TV off so we can get started. His response? "But I like this show." FML

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By mykodu - Canada - Toronto

Today, my little sister had her second son. She is 31 and she named her sons after her favorite television characters, Sam and Dean Winchester. She has made it her life goal to make sure her husband never finds out. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2020 20:00

Breaking Badly

Today, it was my first day as a pharm tech. Two hours into my shift, I came down with awful food poisoning, causing me to go to the restroom multiple times before eventually leaving. I'd filled multiple controlled substances today and can't help but think my coworkers are thinking I'm a drug addict. FML

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By nickim756 - United States

Smooth criminal

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying he needed me to bail him out of jail. The crime? Masturbating in public. FML

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By ReallyMom - United States - Shawano

Today, my mom tried giving me the sex talk. Her version of "the talk" consisted of making me watch videos of guys jacking off and reassuring me that "it's natural." FML

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By username - United States - Elkhart

Today, my father told me to "go get a job". He has been unemployed for 3 years. FML

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By yogapants - Switzerland

Today, I let out the most horrific, loudest, and most vile smelling fart I have ever had in my life while in the middle of yoga class. Out of embarrassment, I tried to lessen the tension in the silent room by giggling, but no one saw the funny side. I was given looks of horror, and avoided by everyone else for the rest of the class. FML

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By Enyo - Reserved

Today, I found my dogs freezing outside. My neighbor was supposed to watch them while I was away, and on my way home I called to let her know she should let them have a quick walk. She thought I'd be home soon enough that she wouldn't have to let them back in. It was minus 10c out. FML

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By 8sq - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that yes, a fork can get stuck in your braces. FML

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By Read The Fine Print - United States - Sylmar

Today, I got into a car accident. The guy wouldn't give me his information, but instead stood there saying, "Like a good neighbor, Statefarm is there." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Winter Springs

Today, I finally realized that when my seemingly very judgmental fiancé makes negative comments about other women, it's actually just an excuse to keep ogling them. FML

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By Oh_baby - United States

Today, I checked facebook, only to find out that my close cousin is now married. When I looked at the pictures, I saw that my whole family was there - including my sister, mother and father. I was the only one who wasn't invited. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that my boyfriend waits 'til I am asleep to wack off to porn on the internet. We haven't had sex in months because he doesn't want to. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I were having sex in the shower while our 5-year old was sleeping. Apparently, she wasn't sleeping and she asked me what those loud noises were. I told her I was singing. Now I can't get her to stop "singing" in the shower. FML

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By Fennec - France - Paris

Today, my coworkers and I were comparing the backgrounds we have on our phones. They pretty much sum up our love lives; everyone else's background is a photo of their boyfriend or girlfriend. Mine's a photo of a lifeless desert. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, as part of my job as a performer, I had to show off my skills with a switchblade in front of an audience. A kid shot a rubber band at me. I then needed stitches. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that when business is slow at my family-owned store, my daughter and another employee make a habit of sneaking away to the back room. I have literally been paying this kid to screw around with my daughter. FML

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By *SuperCringe*

Today, I was matched with my boss on Tinder. FML

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By Stormy - United States

Today, I went to my first ever high school party with music, drinks, and dancing. Within a few minutes of taking my first ever shot of tequila, I was in the worst pain in my life. My parents were called and I had to be taken to the hospital. I'm alcohol intolerant. FML

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By ugh - United States - Lancaster

Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML

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By limegreenpoopie - United States - Valrico

Today, my boyfriend's obsession with card tricks reached a new low. He barged into the bathroom while I was taking a crap and asked me to pick a card. FML

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By Noname - Australia

Today, I was on a standing on a crowded bus going home after school. A wriggling 5 year old boy and his mum left the seat to get off the bus. Since no one looked keen to sit on the seat, I did, only to find out that it was covered in pee. FML

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By sadSarah - United States - New York

Today, as I was waiting in line to give my mom her birthday present, my dad gave her the exact same gift I'd also bought for her. FML

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By jend - United States

Today, I went into work happy about my supervising promotion. When I arrived at work, I realized that only one person had decided to come into work today, which meant I had to clean 15 rooms, and supervise myself. FML

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By FML - United States

Today, I found out that when you kick another man in the snowglobes and he smiles at you, there's something creepily wrong. FML

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By Jayanka

Today, my 17-year-old daughter has been sending and receiving videos and pictures of a sexual nature. I just had to wade through a ton of middle-aged dick pics as evidence for the police. FML

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By Emily - United States

Today, my best friend who I've known since high school is getting married. I'm supposed to give a toast during the reception about how great the bride and groom are. I've been sleeping with the groom for the past 7 months. FML

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By desperategurl - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was so desperate for any kind of male romantic attention that I googled "prison pen pals", and I'm considering writing to one. FML

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By Kelsey Dynes

Meat Market

Today, I had a doctor's appointment and my doctor had to examine my abdomen. I'm generally a pretty fit woman. After touching my abdomen, my doctor called me "the perfect specimen" and asked me if I was single because his son is also single. FML

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By Never Been Arrested - United States - State College

Today, I was once again mistaken for an escaped convict. I live near a women's correctional facility and apparently my nursing scrubs look a lot like their prisoners' uniforms. The cop made me late for work. FML

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By Weirdo - United States

Today, my family took me to a steak house. I went for an eight minute bathroom break, coming back to an empty table. They ordered dessert, and left me the bill. I'm a vegetarian, and it's my birthday. FML

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By top dog! - Australia

Today, I was threatened with suspension from school because of my nose piercing. I had to explain that it's actually a pimple. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wallingford

Today, I was mugged. I saw a cop car in the aftermath and flagged it down. Unfortunately, when the cops stopped the mugger, he said he'd been running away because I tried to mug him. Apparently the fact that he was "well-dressed" and I wasn't means he was telling the truth. FML

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By miji

Today, for the fifth time in a row, my parents tried to discuss my pooping habits with me at the dinner table. This time, we had guests. FML

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By kayak probs - United States - Newtown

Today, I finished the kayak I have been working on for four years. I can't get it out of my basement. FML

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By sasquatch21 - Bahrain

Today, I realized that my husband has a video games addiction. I am currently pregnant; he brought us to the same country he's in so we can finally live together, only for me to witness him being glued to his laptop all day and all night playing WoW. He's forgotten I even existed. FML

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By Downinthedumps - United States - Flagstaff

Today, at my hotel, I spent over an hour dumpster diving trying to locate a pair of shorts for a spoiled brat that one of the cleaning staff accidentally threw away. When I finally found and returned them to the family, the father insisted they weren't the right ones. Spent all day smelling of trash. FML

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By sexyredhead - United States

Today, I was in class when someone came in with a rose for me. My teacher made me read the card aloud: "I'm breaking up with you, happy Valentine's." It was from my boyfriend. FML

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Top comments

By ajh1800 | 25

#7637498 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 3:32

Why wouldn't she just wake you up to go to the bathroom with her? That seems like it would be easier than having to clean a matress...

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7637472 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 1:58

Geez, what the heck did you see? That awful looking Peter Rabbit movie from Sony?

COMMENTS

By LebanonBaby | 26

#7637467 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 1:41

Shows how sweet you are to her though! Next time, make it a romance 😂

By Zekfen | 17

#7637470 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 1:48

At least you didn’t get pissy about it!

By Mental_1456 | 26

#7637471 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 1:53

I would advise having a long think about your relationship. Because you being sweet would have been nice, had it been an accident. But if she consciously made the decision to pee in the bed over something so trivial, imagine her reaction to real threats and issues.

RinoaHeartilly | 36

#7637504 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 4:39

So true.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7637472 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 1:58

Geez, what the heck did you see? That awful looking Peter Rabbit movie from Sony?

By Emma Marshall | 19

#7637492 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 3:11

Why do you have to clean it? Make her.

Spiritbird | 17

#7637495 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 3:19

My thoughts too.

By Spiritbird | 17

#7637494 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 3:18

You ignored the YPB 'You will Piss in Bed' rating. YDI dude :)

By ajh1800 | 25

#7637498 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 3:32

Why wouldn't she just wake you up to go to the bathroom with her? That seems like it would be easier than having to clean a matress...

By RichardPencil | 30

#7637499 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 3:39

Sounds like a real-life horror movie started after the movie-house film. Your movie has the extra scary dimension of smell! I can smell-ell-ell-ell the pee already!!! Yikes!

By RinoaHeartilly | 36

#7637503 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 4:38

Your girlfriend is a spoiled child.

By PropsandPieces613 | 20

#7637508 - Tuesday 22 May 2018 5:37

Not going to lie...now I’m curious as to what movie it was.