By Anonymous - 28/5/2018 09:00 - United States - Fairbanks

Good morning!

Today, while I brewed myself a cup of coffee, my best friend began screwing around with a can opener like it was nunchucks. He looked at me and said, "Wouldn't it suck if-" as he flung it around and one of the handles flew off, directly into my testicles. FML

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Oh, hai!

The best cat

Live dumping

By madeline9322 - 20/12/2016 03:15 - Canada

Today, the lack of heating in my room has gotten to the point where I have to cuddle my clothes for the next day at night so they're not freezing when I wake up. FML

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By blink_kid - 10/8/2012 12:57 - United Kingdom - Bathgate

Today, my boyfriend, who lives 100 miles away and whom I haven't seen in 2 months, told me he was visiting my city with some friends. I assumed this was an opening to an invitation, but no, he just asked me about the best places to get drunk. FML

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By flipraff101 - 14/10/2009 09:20 - Australia

Today, I was at home and my boyfriend called me and said that I'd left my G-string at his house. I only have one G-string and I was wearing it. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2014 06:44 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I almost got lucky with a girl from my course. We've been flirting since we met. After removing her top and moving downwards with my tongue, whilst moaning my name she decided to mention she has a boyfriend and that we needed to stop. FML

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By goddamn chicken subs - 24/3/2016 16:51 - United States

Today, my brother and I got food poisoning because of the shady chicken subs we ate last night. Our mom thinks we're faking it and sent us to school anyway. I'm coming to you live from a school toilet while missing a test. FML

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By sad - 8/1/2011 05:22 - United States

Today, I found out that the girl who my high school boyfriend cheated on me with is now the woman my husband is having an affair with. FML

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By raebay - 5/11/2009 01:23 - United States

Today, after I bathed my nine month old, I laid her on my bed to grab a diaper. I turned around to see that she'd peed on my comforter. I then put her in her playpen to put my cover in the wash. I came back into the room to get her, and saw she'd taken off her diaper. She'd crapped in her playpen. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2014 19:00 - United States - Lowell

Today, I caught my boyfriend stealing money from my purse. He tried to turn it on me by claiming I'll owe him for the flowers he'll get me on Valentine's Day, then tried to make me feel guilty by saying the whole thing is for "selfish bitches anyway". FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2010 01:53 - United States

Today, I was loading a very large box into my hatchback. I was really struggling, and a few people walked by and laughed. Then a car pulled up and waited for the spot. There isn't a spring to hold my trunk open, so it slammed onto my head. Twice. The car honked for me to hurry up. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2015 21:38 - United States - Hackensack

Today, I was taking my grandma shopping, when she pointed at a pair of thongs and told me if I don’t start wearing them I won’t get a man. I've been married for 4 years, gran. Thanks for paying attention. FML

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By ineedalifekay - 24/5/2009 06:43 - Canada

Today, none of my 500 Facebook friends responded to my status about "who wants to hang out during summer holidays?" I created an imaginary person on a different account to respond and ask me to hang out with him. I had a conversation on my status, with myself. FML

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By DeActivated - 4/5/2013 00:39 - United States - West Jordan

Today, I was at dance rehearsal. As a male dancer I like to keep the fact that I dance a secret because of the stupid stereotypes male dancers have. This plan was quickly shot down when I discovered I was performing at my school. FML

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By rawr_ily96 - 24/5/2020 08:00 - United States

Barf

Today, I was struck at home with a stomach virus. My dad, being an occasional insensitive smart-ass, decided to cook some bacon, sit right in front of the couch I was lying on, and eat the bacon. Last time I tried to eat bacon with a stomach virus... Not pretty. FML

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By KCHS - 11/12/2014 18:20 - United States

Today, the power went out at school. As a senior, I don't show up until third period. When I got there, I signed in as usual. The office secretary waited until I signed in to tell me that if I hadn't, I wouldn't have to attend classes that day. Now I have to sit in class doing nothing. FML

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By anonymous - 5/2/2014 02:48 - United States

Today, due to the dry weather, my nose became dry and began to bleed so I plugged it with toilet paper and went about my business. Forgetting about it, I later went out to smoke a cigarette. Not paying attention, I lit the toilet paper on fire as well. FML

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By extraflavour - 23/12/2009 20:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a local take-away and ordered a pizza. I watched the worker get my pizza out the oven, then wipe the pizza cutter on the trash bin to get rid of the last pizza's toppings, and then cut my pizza. FML

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By Jenny - 5/4/2020 23:00

Three is a magic number

Today, my 15-year-old daughter told me that she's pregnant. To make matters worse, she doesn't know who the father is. She told me not to worry though, because she has it narrowed down to "like, only 3 guys." FML

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By gooddaydude - 4/4/2015 19:32 - United States - Omaha

Today, my mom called 5 times and I didn't pick up due to being in class at college. I was later called to the front desk, where my mom was crying. She said she was worried about me because I didn't say "I love you" to her after she dropped me off at college. FML

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By aurorason - 6/2/2010 06:25 - France

Today, during a basketball game, I fell into metal chairs which then decided to fold in, causing me to fall to the floor in a very dramatic and painful fall. When I stood up, so did everyone else and they were all clapping, including the other team. FML

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By patient_mom - 14/6/2015 01:27 - Australia - Surrey Hills

Today, I had to wait for my daughter's pet python to finish taking a bath before I could take a shower and go to work. FML

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By Noname - 18/2/2009 21:55 - United States

Today, when I visited my grandmother at her nursing home, I was looking at pictures she had of all the grandkids. All were normal graduation pictures etc. but mine was a cutout where she made me skinnier. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2012 02:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I argued with my girlfriend over her constantly wasting our money on acupuncture. She said if I could prove it was baloney, she would stop. After I showed her copious amounts of scientific proof debunking it as pseudo-science, she told me we're "taking a break" from our relationship. FML

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By Chris - 23/12/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I submitted my application to a restaurant as a server. The manager, who is more than 30 years older than me, said he'd be calling me. He later texted me asking for a date instead of giving me a job. FML

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By BirthdayBoy - 28/3/2015 03:42 - United States - Madison

Today, I was uninvited from my own birthday party. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2019 18:00

Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a really stubborn pimple. By the time I felt the cartilage rip, it was too late. FML

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By ShutTheFuCupcake - 13/5/2014 23:46 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I flexed so hard for a selfie, I gave myself a hernia. FML

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By damngotkik - 20/12/2017 19:00

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to use an electric sander on my arm during our construction class. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2009 08:37 - Australia

Today, I sent my long-distance girlfriend the first photo of me I'd sent her in a while. It was a photo of me with some of my friends, she didn't know which one I was. FML

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By .... - 31/12/2010 06:23 - Canada

Today, I tripped over a ice block frozen to the ground and hit my knee hard on another. I had trouble getting up, so I asked my dad if he could give me a hand. He started clapping and walked away. FML

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By calliefml - 26/4/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate hanging a voodoo doll of me on a noose. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2012 23:02 - United States - Queen Creek

Today, I discovered that my 12-year-old son has secretly been printing out and selling copies of the suggestive photos from my camera that I'd taken for my husband. He's been selling them to kids at school for a dollar each. FML

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By Shewhoisprobablyafurry - 3/5/2020 02:00

Going nowhere fast

Today, I have a massive crush on a fictional character. Who happens to be an ermine. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2014 13:43 - Germany - Munich

Today, after finally finishing a huge internal rebranding project at work, which I've poured blood, sweat and tears into over the last 12 months, I found out we're being acquired by another company and that our new brand will no longer exist. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2009 20:57 - United States

Today, the 86 year old guy next door told me I needed three things in life to succeed: a cook book, a boyfriend, and a boob job. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2020 03:30

Yeah, that probably wouldn't work

Today, a coworker was telling me he was lonely and needed someone special in his life. I replied, "Why don't you find yourself a girlfriend?" He looked at me weird and said, "I'm gay." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2010 07:27 - Canada

Today, I was having sex with a really hot guy, when suddenly he pulled out and told me that "he had another fat chick meeting him in twenty minutes." FML

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By ohcollege - 1/10/2010 10:04 - United States

Today, the rain was pouring really hard outside. I found this out when it started raining on me at 4 am inside my dorm room. Thanks college. FML

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By someonesomething - 5/12/2009 11:24 - United States

Today, one of the comic companies I submitted to, replied back. They said that the story was boring, and the main character bland, generic, uncultured, had no potential for personal growth, a suburbanite, and an ignorant shut-in. I based the personality of the main character on my own. FML

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By cheerymama - 23/1/2012 00:49 - United States

Today, I did my old "toe-touch" cheerleading move to try to impress my 5-year-old daughter. When I landed, I broke my toe. FML

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By dammitRandy - 19/6/2016 17:18 - United States - Kearny

Today, we had a fish fry for Father's Day. I ended up getting a fish bone lodged in my tonsil, and I had to rush to the bathroom to pull it out. I threw up three times in the process and still didn't manage to get the bone out. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7640317 - Monday 28 May 2018 19:47

“Yes. Yes, it would.”

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7640327 - Monday 28 May 2018 20:12

"Everybody was kung fu fighting! That handle hit your nuts fast as lightning!"

Comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7640317 - Monday 28 May 2018 19:47

“Yes. Yes, it would.”

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7640327 - Monday 28 May 2018 20:12

"Everybody was kung fu fighting! That handle hit your nuts fast as lightning!"

By RichardPencil | 28

#7640331 - Monday 28 May 2018 20:14

“Can-in-ball!”

By Lobby_Bee | 16

#7640332 - Monday 28 May 2018 20:15

Eggs for breakfast, a good source of protein.

By tenniemo | 19

#7640441 - Tuesday 29 May 2018 0:41

At least it was just the handle, and not the blade. Could have been worse!

Reply

Glowworm56 | 25

#7640449 - Tuesday 29 May 2018 1:54

Yeah, I would hate a ninja circumcision!

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#7640493 - Tuesday 29 May 2018 6:46

That would be a ninja castration.

By Davros | 12

#7640575 - Tuesday 29 May 2018 11:21

awe man, right in the beans

By xercister | 19

#7640825 - Tuesday 29 May 2018 21:36

And now you know... You got some balls.

By 1gullible_bugger | 33

#7642861 - Sunday 3 June 2018 23:14

very much so

By vikirosecamel | 20

#7727535 - Friday 23 November 2018 17:34

Good thing it wasn't a nutcracker