By Anonymous - United States - Fairbanks

Good morning!

Today, while I brewed myself a cup of coffee, my best friend began screwing around with a can opener like it was nunchucks. He looked at me and said, "Wouldn't it suck if-" as he flung it around and one of the handles flew off, directly into my testicles. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Sorry…

Carless whisper

By Anonymous - 15/3/2021 00:30

Ghosted

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years ghosted me without a word and acted like he didn't know my friend when she texted him. FML

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By Ese

Today, my sister took me out shopping for my birthday and had been drinking a Monster the whole day. Halfway back home, I took a sip of it and she screamed, but it was too late. I had drunk the phlegm that she spat into the can earlier. FML

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By Hi, I'm Heather - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my Spanish teacher told me that the reason the girl I'm tutoring hasn't contacted me yet is because she emailed the teacher saying she didn't like my name, therefore she didn't want me to be her tutor. FML

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By frustrated - Australia

Today, I discovered that just because I get unwanted erections on an hourly basis throughout the day, it doesn't mean that I can get required erections in the night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that my parents are planning to divorce. My dad said, "I'll take Rachel." Rachel isn't even his daughter; I am. Rachel is my mom's daughter with her first husband. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came out to my therapist as gay. Claiming that my parents "can't be that homophobic", my therapist outed me to them. They kicked me out of the house. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I started charging my phone in the car during a family road trip. The car recognized my iPhone as an MP3 player and started playing the audio from the porn video I watched before we left. Everybody heard. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I decided to try a self-tanning lotion my friend had recommended. I put it on, and decided to take a nap. I woke up later and checked myself in the mirror, expecting to see a new, more tanned version of myself. I didn't. I'm now orange. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my social life consists of eavesdropping on my two coworkers chatting. FML

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By Hufflepuff girl

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying that last night was awesome. When I said, "What do you mean?" he answered, "Come on Jess, I bet you can't stand straight." My name is Britney, but my friend's name is Jessica. FML

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By blind - South Africa

Today, I was texting a friend of mine. She mentioned it was her dad's birthday. I typed "Tell him Happy Birthday for me!" and as I pressed send I remember her dad was dead. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, I took a nap because I've been sick for the past week and I was exhausted. When I woke up, my hair, shirt, pillow, and bedsheets were soaked. I threw up all over myself in my sleep. FML

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By wolfpacking - France

Today, I was in the car with my friends. A techno song came on and we started fist pumping. We hit a bump, I fist pumped myself in the face, and crashed into a stop sign. FML

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By Anonymous

Too much of a good thing

Today, I finally found a job as a secretary for a small film studio. The sets are in a soundproofed part of the building, but not for the typical reasons. Right through the wall is a pornography studio. It's all I'll hear from 8 to 5 every day. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, at a nightclub, a cute girl started hitting on me. I got into it and we danced. Just as she started getting frisky with me, a guy shoved me off, smacked me to the floor with a right-hook, and shouted, "That's what you get for touching my woman." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Kitchener

Today, my mother-in-law sent me a pedometer for my birthday. I've been confined to a wheelchair for most of my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Burlington

Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind: "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend got so drunk that he was sick in the taxi, sick on me, then sick on himself when he was sitting on the toilet. What's more, I can't get into bed because he's been sick all over my half of the bed. So I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight. FML

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By Nnn

Today, my coworker came to my desk, so I greeted him with a smile, and said, "Hello friend." He then told me that we are not friends, and that he hates when I say that. Oh, OK, sorry for trying to be nice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Naperville

Today, my towel was stolen at the swimming pool. I quickly found the culprit, and to avoid a conflict, I just swiped it back when he wasn't looking. I felt pretty good about everything, until I got back home and realized it wasn't actually my towel after all. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was having amazing sex with this guy I had been seeing for a while. It got really intense, so did my moans. Guys usually like when I moan, but he just put his hands over my mouth and told me to "shut up" because it sounded like "pig noises". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that I'm not my girlfriend's only boyfriend. The other guy sells shoes on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking home, I passed some little girls who threw a bunch of snowballs at me. I dodged every single one, ran away laughing, and gave them the finger. I then ran into a snowman. FML

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By gassy - United States

Today, I had my new boyfriend come over. Within five minutes of him arriving, I accidentally let one rip. Shocked, I quickly tried to explain it away with, "That was my shoe." I was barefoot. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed a disgusting odor that seemed to be radiating off my brother. When I asked him about it, he replied, "I think it's ball sweat. I haven't had a shower in a few weeks, so it's hard to tell." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, my husband and I had some bath time to ourselves. After having sex, he decided to put bath salts in my vagina to spice things up for the next round. It's been twenty minutes out of the bath and it still feels like there are pop rocks in my vagina. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I woke up to find that the large container of leftover beef stroganoff that I put down the garbage disposal last night had backed up into my bathtub this morning. FML

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By Unknown - United States

Today, in art class, I tried to attract my crush's attention by slowly sitting down in front of him. Too bad I missed the chair and fell onto the floor. FML

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By Anonymous Pillock - United Kingdom

Today, I came across a street musician. He looked extremely well-fed already, but his music was pretty good, so I gave him some spare change. As soon as I turned away, he started screaming at me for being "cheap", and chased me half a block before running out of breath. FML

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By SadFace - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I realized my acne is so bad that the Facebook face recognition could recognize all of my friends in a group photo except me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Singapore

Today, I was bragging about how I had lost 10 pounds. Grinning, I pulled my shirt up and tried to show how big my jeans were on me. Instead, the button flew off my pants. FML

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By SmileAndSayHi - United States - Hialeah

Today, the underwire in my bra snapped as my 9-hour workday started. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodland

Today, my house was robbed while I was at work. The robber left a note telling me my stuff was crappy and that they found my safe under the bed. FML

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By dentedmercedes - United States - Berkley

Today, I was rear ended at McDonald's by the same driver who rear ended me at the same McDonald's last week. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while buying Red Dead Redemption 2, the cashier spoiled the ending. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2021 05:02 - United States

I did a sex

Today, my girlfriend told me that last night after I got drunk, I passed out mid-pump while we were knocking boots. FML

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By LonelyGuy - Australia

Today, I called this girl I've had a crush on for 2 years to confess my love to her. However, as she picked up the phone, I got so nervous that I froze and couldn't say a word. I was standing there, breathing heavily for 20 seconds. She got so freaked out that she threatened to call the police. FML

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By alucas3 - United States

Today, I got a rental car because my car needed new tires and I had a long drive ahead of me. Today, the rental car got a flat tire. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

I'm right here

Today, after applying for a promotion to a position which I've been working my ass off for two years to get, my managers thought it would be appropriate to discuss other applicants in front of me, even asking me to compare my resume with theirs to see the "caliber" of what I'm up against. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to a man stroking my leg while smelling my hair. I asked my roommate who he was and she said, "Oh, that's just my brother. He needs a place to stay and he will be living with us until June. Didn't I tell you that?" No, you didn't. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7640317 - Monday 28 May 2018 19:47

“Yes. Yes, it would.”

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7640327 - Monday 28 May 2018 20:12

"Everybody was kung fu fighting! That handle hit your nuts fast as lightning!"

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7640317 - Monday 28 May 2018 19:47

“Yes. Yes, it would.”

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7640327 - Monday 28 May 2018 20:12

"Everybody was kung fu fighting! That handle hit your nuts fast as lightning!"

By RichardPencil | 30

#7640331 - Monday 28 May 2018 20:14

“Can-in-ball!”

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7640332 - Monday 28 May 2018 20:15

Eggs for breakfast, a good source of protein.

By tenniemo | 19

#7640441 - Tuesday 29 May 2018 0:41

At least it was just the handle, and not the blade. Could have been worse!

Reply

Glowworm56 | 25

#7640449 - Tuesday 29 May 2018 1:54

Yeah, I would hate a ninja circumcision!

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7640493 - Tuesday 29 May 2018 6:46

That would be a ninja castration.

By Davros | 12

#7640575 - Tuesday 29 May 2018 11:21

awe man, right in the beans

By xercister | 19

#7640825 - Tuesday 29 May 2018 21:36

And now you know... You got some balls.

By 1gullible_bugger | 33

#7642861 - Sunday 3 June 2018 23:14

very much so

By vikirosecamel | 20

#7727535 - Friday 23 November 2018 17:34

Good thing it wasn't a nutcracker