By Anonymous

Charming...

Today, my toddler is starting to realize when she has a dirty diaper. How do I know? She walked up to me with a shit covered hand, saying "Poop Mommy! Poop!!" FML

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3259

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Kids

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Great boyfriend

By nd.11 - Canada

Today, I was on the city bus, and there was a woman and her child sitting behind me. I began to feel tugging on my jacket so I leaned forward, assuming the child was pulling at my jacket. I sat back and felt the tugging again. After a couple of minutes, I heard the mother say "stop chewing on that!" FML

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29551

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2793

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after explaining to my four-year-old why our new puppy was peeing on things to mark his territory, my son decided to follow suit and pee all over our house. FML

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30787

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6839

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2021 05:00

Abusive

Today, my dad threatened to hit me if I didn't tell him what I had in my homework. He thinks I won't keep secrets from him this way. There's a reason I kept secrets in the first place. FML

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814

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By graham

Very mean

Today, my first time meeting my girlfriend's dad ended with him chasing me from his house and trying to hit me with a baseball bat. FML

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1764

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325

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By drivencrazy - United States

Today, while driving, a girl on her cellphone cut me off. A second later, another person behind me on a cellphone rear ended me. Her excuse was, "I'm sorry, you weren't there a minute ago!" FML

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39809

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2924

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By Anonymous - Sweden - ?kersberga

Today, I went on my first date in 8 years. While we were looking at the menu, the guy said: "So if you're vegetarian, why're you so fat?" FML

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47838

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8188

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By use your brain mother - United States - Springville

Today, I told my mom I was going hiking with a couple of friends and wouldn't be back for 4 or more hours. Not even 2 hours later, she called the cops and reported us as missing. She didn't realize that we wouldn't have service up the canyon so we could call her back. FML

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29615

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2343

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By stargate25 - United States - Denver

Today, my wife sent me a Google Calendar reminder for "sex". FML

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27864

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11558

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By goo - United States - Louisville

Today, while having fun between the sheets with my boyfriend, his allergies got the best of him and his nose started running. Every time he kissed me he'd drip snot onto my face. When I complained, he said I was being insensitive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7564

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1098

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after struggling with anorexia for months, I got food poisoning. FML

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43009

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7522

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, having turned 18, I was eager to show my mother some of the clothes I'd like to purchase with my birthday money. I flipped my laptop open only to realise I had left a "Big Latina Booty gets a fat one" window open. Her howling screams of pleasure echoed through my kitchen. FML

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15471

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62118

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By Dsark - United States - San Diego

Today, during a lecture, my teacher jokingly talked about the time he was best buds with George Washington. Another student then asked, "Really? You knew him?" I'm in an advanced placement U.S. history class. FML

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44220

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3715

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By WaffleJesus - United States

Today, my husband is sulking because I wouldn't let him do what he's always wanted to do: throw our cat out the second floor window to see if she would land safely and on all fours. FML

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27180

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2542

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By Anonymous - United States - American Canyon

Today, my wife packed my lunch. Inside of my lunchbox was a photo of her eating my sandwiches. FML

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40582

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7364

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By Anonymous

Mess incoming

Today, my apartment management notified me that my water was going to be shut off all day so they could fix the plumbing. I took a laxative last night. FML

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1619

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146

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I caught my mother-in-law trying to plant a GPS tracker on my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29594

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2086

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By CBM2012 - United States

Today, My roommate texted me and warned me to be careful on the stairs leading to our place because they were icy. I got the message. After I fell down an entire flight of stone stairs. FML

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29436

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3611

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By anon. - United Kingdom - London

Today, while working at the bar, I accidentally spilled a beer on my chest. Several drunk men whistled and seemed to enjoy what they saw so much that they bought even more drinks and started coming onto me. My boss asked if I could do it again on my next shift. FML

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27229

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2746

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By disgusted - United Kingdom - Harpenden

Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML

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30766

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6471

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By frustrated - Hong Kong

Today, I met my boyfriend in Hong Kong after being apart for almost 6 months. We got to our room and got right down to business. I was just about to come when a voice came over the PA system in the room. "This is just a fire alarm test, sorry for any inconvenience." FML

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55923

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5900

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By green2black - United States

Today, I finally found the girl of my dreams, she's smart, loyal, energetic and adorable. There's one problem. She's a Golden Retreiver. FML

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26885

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14531

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By BelleCharmante - United States

Today, I couldn't shut a drawer in my kitchen, because an oven mitt was blocking it. An oven mitt filled with tin-foil wrapped electronics. My Mom believes Internet hackers can get into her digital camera and prepaid cell phone, and apparently tin-foil will prevent that. FML

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28144

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2321

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By ScrewedOver - United States

Today, is January 1st. Last night, I threw a party. Only 3 people came. Luckily, one of the people who came was the love of my life, I had been hoping to get a midnight kiss from him. Unluckly, he decided to get back with his ex-girlfriend. At my party. They were liplocked almost the whole time. FML

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30182

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4463

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was crocheting while watching television, and thinking to myself how proud I was that I taught myself to crochet. Then, an episode of Golden Girls came on, and I watched that while I crocheted. I'm 24. FML

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28793

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40469

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend clearly stated that I was "useless" when on my period. FML

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38332

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8081

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By hairy - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, I discovered that I have caught head lice from my son. Unfortunately, they are living in my chest hair. FML

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40308

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3811

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By Luke - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was robbed. I didn't know how the robber got in, as there was no clear signs of forced entry. I later found out that my psycho ex had written my address on the key I lent her when we were going out. And then purposely left it on a table in a café. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25126

You deserved it

2590

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By justme - France

Today, I was about to take a crap when the smoke alarm went off. I ran out of the bathroom and tried to run downstairs. I tripped and shit on myself. The alarm had gone off cause my kid put my wallet in the toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40526

You deserved it

5147

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By pathetic_girl - Canada

Today, I accidentally admitted to two girls in my first year university astronomy class that I have a strict 10pm bedtime. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10658

You deserved it

33381

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By SFBEL - Belgium - Leuven

Today, after being a resident DJ at a local club for over 4 years, I got fired. Not because I'm bad at what I do, but because my boss thinks I'm not 'having fun like the other DJs'. And by 'having fun' he means that I don't drink enough. I got fired for not being an alcoholic. FML

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32573

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2124

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By Melinda - United States

Today, I was walking through the bar area of the restaurant I work at and fell on my ass. Customers complained to my manager that I shouldn't be drinking on the job. FML

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28585

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2883

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By loganHchrist - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. They thought it would be funny to pretend that they're nudists. FML

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51934

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4945

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By prian - Canada

Today, while playing poker, I lost a stack of money to somebody with the screen name "Poopface." FML

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9515

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36196

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By Anon - United States

Today, I was driving behind a UPS truck. All of a sudden his back door opens up exposing some boxes ready to fall out. Like a good driver I speed up to drive beside him to tell him. He thought I was trying to cut him off so he accelerated. A box flies out and dents my windshield. FML

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49850

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5552

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By assumed

Today, during a class, I noticed some racist statements and symbols on a table. While erasing them, I bent down to pick up my dropped pencil. I look back up to see a teacher, and got a suspension. FML

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37476

You deserved it

3712

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By Burntintomyretinas - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house. She'd told me not to ring the doorbell and just come in so that I wouldn't wake her dad up. As I walked upstairs, her father walked out of the bathroom naked. We locked eyes. I can't get the image out of my head. FML

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25753

You deserved it

3579

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By likesboys - Canada

Today, my entire family thinks I'm a lesbian. I'm straight. I'm embarrassed and don't know how to tell them that I've been single for so long because I can't get a guy. FML

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36854

You deserved it

4956

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By chelserusera - United States

Today, my 3-year-old said, "Mommy, I can share my teddy grahams with you." I said, "Thanks, honey, you're so sweet." And I ate a few. When I popped the last one in my mouth, I said, "Oh no, all gone!" She said, "That's okay, I have more." Then pulled the next handful out of her underwear. FML

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64244

You deserved it

7578

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By Anonymous - United States - Redmond

Today, I got home from work a little late due to bad traffic. My wife kissed me, then flew into a rage and swore that I had the taste of penis on my lips, accusing me of cheating on her with a guy. Apparently she got this insane "test your man" idea from some Cosmo-type magazine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49386

You deserved it

3235

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By KillMePlease - United States - Hicksville

Today, I was given a new responsibility at the law firm where I work. I'm now in charge of punching holes in every single piece of paper to be found in the office, estimated to be in the hundred-thousands. The reason? I finish my daily clerical work too quickly. FML

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28258

You deserved it

2548

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Top comments

By Zekfen | 17

#7642040 - Friday 1 June 2018 16:12

It gets better! Next FML from you will be when she realizes she can paint the walls with that poop! So much better than crayons!

By ARISKomuniszt | 24

#7642024 - Friday 1 June 2018 15:33

At least she is aware of it - that might make potty training slightly easier!

COMMENTS

By Spiritbird | 17

#7642008 - Friday 1 June 2018 15:14

Cuz she thinks 'a poop in the hand is worth two in the diaper'??

By ARISKomuniszt | 24

#7642024 - Friday 1 June 2018 15:33

At least she is aware of it - that might make potty training slightly easier!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7642037 - Friday 1 June 2018 16:04

Having a child is very life fulfilling, or so I'm told.

By Zekfen | 17

#7642040 - Friday 1 June 2018 16:12

It gets better! Next FML from you will be when she realizes she can paint the walls with that poop! So much better than crayons!

By indienerdgirl | 27

#7642042 - Friday 1 June 2018 16:21

My son let us know by taking off his diaper and throwing it at us. Especially when he was in his playpen. 😂 It's definitely potty training time with him lol

By dexter420 | 21

#7642043 - Friday 1 June 2018 16:24

Time to put her down. Its too late

By RichardPencil | 29

#7642052 - Friday 1 June 2018 16:44

Does she have 30 spiteful playmates who love to post pics?

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7642056 - Friday 1 June 2018 17:02

Somebody's becoming aware of her body functions. I think it's time for potty training.

By lucasj23 | 11

#7642174 - Friday 1 June 2018 22:02

it's all part of the process. get over it.

By Emily Vokes | 3

#7642215 - Saturday 2 June 2018 0:25

adorably gross