By Anonymous

Thanks but no thanks.

Today, as my husband and I were leaving our wedding reception, my mother-in-law hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You're gonna do great tonight!" FML

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Mother of the year

Night terrors

Social media was a mistake

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was talking to a guy I really liked, hoping that he would ask me out. Eventually he asked for my number. I was so excited that I couldn't remember it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a creepy old guy kept hitting on me in line at Subway. I got scared and told him to back off because my dad was waiting for me outside. He replied that he wouldn't object to a three-way. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my siblings came home for the weekend. At dinner, my dad started complaining at how one of my siblings had gotten fired, one was failing college, and the other was gay. He went on to say I was 17 and already had a bright future. I'm pregnant. FML

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By tye61 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I finished a 2 hour Skype call with my girlfriend, only to realize I was using mobile data. FML

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By Amy

Adapt, overcome, improvise

Today, I was squeezed through an overly-crowded hallway down to my psychologist's. There, I sat in an overly-crowded waiting room to see him, next to an obese woman and an insane man. I finally entered the smaller-than-a-closet room. My reason for seeing a psychologist? Claustrophobia. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2020 08:04 - United States

Worldstar! Worldstar!

Today, I went to buy some flowers for the anniversary of my grandpa's death. I was feeling sad as I finished paying, but as soon as I got near the exit, two women started fighting at the door. We had to wait for the fight to finish because the staff decided to record it and not break it up. FML

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By SomeGuyInNY - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, I volunteered to tend bar at a friend's charity event. I was called incompetent and had a drink thrown at me for stirring a martini instead of shaking "like they do in James Bond". I've been tending bar for 30 years and have never had a drink thrown at me before. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I came home and saw my roommate had taken out the garbage for the first time in the three years we have lived in the same house. Unfortunately, the bag of laundry I had by the door was taken out with it as well. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to give a joint presentation at college. My partner was so high, she couldn't even pronounce her own name properly in her introduction. I'm pretty sure her antics are going to get us both failed hard. FML

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By Lolabunny - United States - Anaheim

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Today, I went grocery shopping with my 4-year-old after having some major bathroom issues. As I walked over to get bananas, she yelled out in the middle of the produce section, "DO YOU STILL HAVE DIARRHEA MOMMY?!" FML

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By Ava K - United States - San Diego

Unnecessary

Today, my mom and I were looking at dresses for me at the mall. The cashier pointed out a dress, and my mom said, "She's definitely not going to fit into that. She's too flat-chested." FML

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By help - Malta - Naxxar

Today, I finally got a restraining order against my violent ex. My mom now keeps finding ways to tell me how shitty I am for breaking the "poor boy's" heart and how I didn't deserve him anyway. FML

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By stagedivefail - Australia

RAWK N ROLL!!!

Today, my band played its first real gig. It was going well, and I, the vocalist, thought it would be a good idea to stage dive. I underestimated the distance between the stage and the crowd and crashed into the floor. FML

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By notyourmummy - United Kingdom - Ryde

Today, my boyfriend started to suck on my boob, which I quite enjoy, until he said he was breastfeeding and called me "Mummy". I don't think I can ever let his mouth near my boobs ever again. FML

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By Boulette - France - Dammartin-en-go?le

Today, I was on vacation, when a very cute guy starting talking to me and asked me what my name was. Overwhelmed and stressed out, I blurted out that I didn't have one. FML

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By Andre - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket while standing beside my car. FML

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By hairy - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, I discovered that I have caught head lice from my son. Unfortunately, they are living in my chest hair. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of over a year finally told me he loved me. This revelation was quickly followed by "at least, I think this is how people feel when they say that." FML

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By clean - Australia - Ashfield

Today, I walked in the bathroom to find my son cleaning his penis. It wouldn't have been so bad if he wasn't cleaning it with a toothbrush. FML

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By Nikki - United States

Today, I woke up, completely naked, in bed with a guy I met the night before. We were both drunk the night before and I had agreed to go home with him. The reason I woke up was that someone was knocking on his bedroom door. Turns out he lives with his mom and she made us pancakes. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2021 05:01

Late bloomer

Today, I'm nearly 30 years-old, and not only am I still a virgin, I've never even had my first kiss. FML

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By NotSoSmart - United States - Ventura

Dr. Phil

Today, in the spirit of being helpful, I accidentally convinced the girl I'm secretly in love with to stay with her boyfriend. FML

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By idk - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I was getting ready to go out with my family. As I was putting my phone in my purse, my father told me I wouldn't need it because we were going to spend 'quality time' together. The entire time I was there, everyone was staring at their phone. I was the only one without one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Puyallup

Today, on my way to my therapist, my father told me to lie to her and tell her that I'm happy so he doesn't have to drive me in anymore. FML

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By jacobianscum - New Zealand - East Tamaki

Today, after 3 months of successful business at my restaurant, sales are down the shitter. Why? Because some no-life troll started posting loads of bad reviews online. He uses different names, but nothing in the reviews has ever happened. We can't get the reviews taken down. FML

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By jking2z - United States

Today, I tried to boycott an 80's theme party by wearing my regular clothes. Everyone said they loved my costume. FML

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By notateen - United States

Today, I was shopping with my baby daughter when an older woman came up to me. She glared and said, "You know, if you kids learned how to keep your legs closed, you wouldn't be a mother at 16." I'm 25. FML

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By Tourist - United States

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML

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By .... - United States - Geneva

Today, my boyfriend went to work instead of going to my father's funeral. He works at home and chooses his own hours. FML

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By - United States - Los Angeles

Today, after a year and half of being single, I was asked out on a date. I was asked by a married man. FML

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By Desertdryspell

Today, I dressed up in new lingerie I had bought to surprise my partner. He said "what do you want? Just go to bed instead". So much for that new confidence. FML.

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By skyphoenix - United States

Today, I went on a trip with some people from work to watch a baseball game. Halfway through the game, one of my managers shook my hand and said "Nice to Meet You." I've been working there for 3 months. FML

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By worksux - United States

Today, at work, my computer started acting up. I told my boss I could fix it, but he told me to call the IT department instead. Neither the IT technician or his supervisor could figure it out, so I showed them what was wrong and how to fix it. I was promptly fired for wasting 2 hours of company time. FML

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By oh no - United States - Rochester

Today, I set my phone down at work in the back while I helped a customer. When I came back it was gone. It took me twenty minutes to find, duct taped to the ceiling. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, the plant on my windowsill fell and landed in my face while I was napping. It's a cactus. FML

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By MiserableMan - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, I sent my girlfriend a request to confirm our relationship on Facebook. She accepted, then changed her screen name into "His Hand". FML

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By GoAggies - United States - Herriman

Today, I moved three hours away from my boyfriend for college. Even though he got accepted to the same school and had a job lined up in town, he decided not to come with me because the Internet at our apartment wasn't going to be fast enough for his gaming. FML

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By Grossed out - United States

Today, my mother was driving me and my friends to a wedding. My friends and I were talking about birth control, and then my mother chimes in, "Yeah, I used to use the sponge, but the spermicide would always burn your dad's penis." FML

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By Directionally challenged - United States

Good one, dude

Today, I started my new job as a mail carrier. One of my assigned roads was Milbrooke Street, which I'd never heard of. After driving around for ages trying to find it, I called for directions. The street doesn't exist in my city; it's just the boss's way of seeing how stupid you are. FML

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By systeminitiated - Canada

Today, in math class we were learning about gravity. To demonstrate my teacher asked me to stand on the desk and then step off. Upon stepping on the desk it curved inward and cracked. Everyone was dying of laughter. Fuck gravity. FML

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Top comments

By exileonmainst | 16

#7534181 - Saturday 26 August 2017 16:09

Film it so you can prove her wrong! It's important to get those early wins against your parents-in-law!

By Fucc_Logic_4evah | 13

#7534206 - Saturday 26 August 2017 16:58

I get the feeling she'd like to help you...

COMMENTS

By exileonmainst | 16

#7534181 - Saturday 26 August 2017 16:09

Film it so you can prove her wrong! It's important to get those early wins against your parents-in-law!

By Fucc_Logic_4evah | 13

#7534206 - Saturday 26 August 2017 16:58

I get the feeling she'd like to help you...

By RichardPencil | 30

#7534208 - Saturday 26 August 2017 17:05

You should say, “Hey, it’s your son who is under pressure — all I have to do is lie there.”

By mt21mt | 15

#7534211 - Saturday 26 August 2017 17:10

All it says is, "thanks, but no thanks." Is there more to this fml?

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7534212 - Saturday 26 August 2017 17:11

At least she's being supportive? But that's kind of weird... like, how does she know? :O

Reply

Liongoddess8 | 18

#7534269 - Saturday 26 August 2017 21:23

It's tradition, on your wedding night.

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7534253 - Saturday 26 August 2017 20:35

"I've been great before and I'll be great again tonight"

By chessu | 21

#7534256 - Saturday 26 August 2017 20:40

I don't know.. I mean it is a little weird, but at least she's really supportive of your relationship, which is not what a lot of people can say!

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#7534285 - Saturday 26 August 2017 22:26

Tell her that with all of the practicing you've both been doing you'd hope so!

By John Henry | 11

#7534397 - Sunday 27 August 2017 7:21

lol YDI have a great night;)

By chosha_fml | 25

#7534489 - Sunday 27 August 2017 15:49

Ugh, she needs to get some boundaries.