By Anonymous - 26/8/2017 16:00

Thanks but no thanks.

Today, as my husband and I were leaving our wedding reception, my mother-in-law hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You're gonna do great tonight!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

4336

You deserved it

457

Favorite

Love

Intimacy

Delayed proposal

Banished

Weird kid

By Brenden - 14/5/2013 23:52 - United States - Massillon

Today, my new neighbor moved in. Because she was fairly young, I offered to mow her grass whenever it needed cut. Her dad then tried to start a fight with me because he thought it was sexual come-on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43085

You deserved it

6986

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/7/2009 05:51 - United States

Today, my neighbors were busted for a meth lab in their garage. Yesterday, I signed the mortgage. Welcome to our new neighborhood, kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47959

You deserved it

3925

Favorite

By Mike - 16/10/2012 08:07 - United States

Today, I got a call from my son's school saying to pick him up because he'd shat his pants. He's in high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30244

You deserved it

2966

Favorite

By Phil - 21/12/2008 12:14 - France

Today, I'm 65 years old, and I've been given a bottle of wine produced in the year I was born. The wine tastes foul; not a good omen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25295

You deserved it

2922

Favorite

By Gahh... - 3/12/2012 05:18 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I had to show my husband a video on how to brush your teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22930

You deserved it

2947

Favorite

By mother to an ugly doll - 4/9/2013 18:10 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my car window got smashed, because someone somehow confused the doll my daughter always leaves strapped into a carseat for an actual kid. It's a cabbage patch kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51610

You deserved it

4065

Favorite

By f4444 - 21/12/2015 05:38 - United States - Highland Park

Today, the guy I thought I was exclusive with admitted that the only reason he comes over is because no one else will sleep with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23962

You deserved it

2580

Favorite

By c.m.g. - 27/4/2011 10:50

Today, I was taking a dump in a porta-potty at a fair. I had the runs really bad. All I have to say is that it's tough to take a shit that seems never-ending while other people outside are bitching at you and hammering on the flimsy door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37035

You deserved it

3808

Favorite

By Noname - 29/1/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, a toddler's play ball rolled over to me in the park. I playfully pitched it to him as his parents watched from afar. The ball hit him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27628

You deserved it

3856

Favorite

By Bortenssen - 8/8/2019 10:05 - Australia - Perth

It was either an expensive event, or learn to manage your money.

Today, I found out that the reason I couldn’t buy a commemorative jacket to wear at my rugby club's 50th anniversary was because the event had already happened. I paid in full for the event, and it cost me most of my savings. FML

I agree, your life sucks

771

You deserved it

1335

Favorite

By lonely dreams - 1/1/2013 17:26 - United States - Reno

Today, I have been single and out of the game for so long that instead of having real wet dreams, I now dream about jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41255

You deserved it

6759

Favorite

By WasZumTeufel? - 1/1/2013 00:55 - Germany - Kabel

Today, my boyfriend took me to his house and introduced me to his parents. He also showed me around his bedroom. I think he forgot to remove the dartboard on his wall, taped to which was a swiss-cheesed printout of one of my Facebook photos. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36419

You deserved it

3901

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/10/2013 16:47 - United States - Charlotte

Today, my best friend went in for her scheduled mammogram, and I sent her a text saying, "How're your boobies?" It was only after I sent it that I realized I'd sent it to my history professor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43337

You deserved it

13111

Favorite

By IndieRox - 28/11/2009 22:03 - United States

Today, I am lying next to my new husband. We went to Hawaii for our honeymoon and planned on spending the entire time in bed together. We succeeded in that goal, with both of us unable to leave each other's side for entire week. Sex? No. Food poisoning? Yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44323

You deserved it

3263

Favorite

By sad associate - 19/12/2016 01:51 - United States - Bastrop

Today, I swung my arm with a product in my hand, and the product flew out of the packaging and hit an old lady on her head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5758

You deserved it

1351

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/5/2018 19:00

Today, I introduced myself, Pete, to my new coworkers at a shipyard. An hour into my shift, everyone started calling me re-Pete because I have a bit of a stutter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4677

You deserved it

293

Favorite

By birdbath - 8/11/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I ran into a bird. Not with my car, with my face. It was so scared, it crapped all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35773

You deserved it

3570

Favorite

By littledonny - 12/5/2017 18:00

Today, I went to school wearing the same jacket I had gone hiking in the previous day. When I found out that I had left my 2" pocket knife in the pocket I immediately turned it in to the front office. They promptly had me arrested for bringing a weapon on campus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5772

You deserved it

1183

Favorite

By comfort_ - 27/3/2015 03:28 - United States - Dalton

Today, I managed to take an entire shower without realizing my socks were on. I washed my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25457

You deserved it

10058

Favorite

By happyeffingbday202 - 2/4/2009 23:12 - United States

Today, was my 16th birthday. Needless to say, I was delighted when my friends presented me with a birthday card in a homeroom. I pretended to be surprised and exclaimed, "Aw, you guys really shouldn't have!" They didn't. It was our teacher's birthday. They just wanted me to sign the card. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62865

You deserved it

5249

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 18:00

Today, I now have been dumped by 4 serious girlfriends in the last 5 years, each of them for the same reason: Being with me would have meant dealing with my mother who, without fail, asked each of them when we planned on marrying and having kids, every single week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1997

You deserved it

508

Favorite

By bloodshedblack - 21/2/2012 05:01 - United States

Today, I received more affection from my wife in a video game than I ever have in real life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26354

You deserved it

4357

Favorite

By Kryometric - 29/3/2015 06:38 - United States - Coupeville

Today, with the experience of sitting behind someone on a roller coaster, I found out pee is affected by gravity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28850

You deserved it

2555

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/7/2019 00:01

Today, I saw my boss, so I mentioned to him, "Oh, I quit." He then interrupted, saying, "Great, I was going to fire you this week anyway." I wanted to tell him I quit smoking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2124

You deserved it

258

Favorite

By rabbitoncocaine - 20/4/2012 06:41 - Germany - Unterbreizbach

Today, I locked my car. I put the key in my bag when suddenly my car began to roll backwards. I tried to get the key out of my bag but couldn't find it, and with the other hand I tried to stop the car. The worst thing was that some dumbass was watching me and didn't help. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14390

You deserved it

21619

Favorite

By Perdito_Coño - 5/9/2014 20:55 - Australia - Quakers Hill

Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. Unfortunately, she started fake-moaning like a pornstar before I even entered her, totally killing the mood and my boner. She swore she hadn't moaned, accused me of not finding her attractive enough, and angrily left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46524

You deserved it

7559

Favorite

By tgd4444 - 23/7/2011 10:29 - Malaysia

Today, I was arrested. The policeman threw me to the ground because I wouldn't answer his questions. This was after he told me I had the "right to remain silent". FML

I agree, your life sucks

42276

You deserved it

8432

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/1/2014 07:49 - Australia - Southport

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message. Every 20 minutes or so, I'll get a notification that I have a new message, and I check it just to find that same message sitting there. I'm being trolled by my own phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48516

You deserved it

4074

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/12/2013 07:24 - Canada - Milton

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He seemed thrilled, and went to buy some wine to celebrate. He left 11 hours ago and won't come back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58300

You deserved it

7958

Favorite

By g_unit - 10/12/2009 05:24 - Canada

Today, at work, I went to fold a pair of pants that was left in a changing room to find out that someone had taken a dump in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37521

You deserved it

2603

Favorite

By Anonymous - 28/5/2013 05:05 - United States

Today, my grandma's chihuahua was run over while I was taking her for a walk. She later whispered to me, "It should have been you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

61920

You deserved it

8057

Favorite

By anonymous - 17/12/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my friends. All throughout, some guy kept making weird sounds and breathing deeply. Midway through the movie, he got even louder. Just as I was about to snap, chunks of vomit sprayed over my chair and shoulders. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35895

You deserved it

2494

Favorite

By ballthlete - 6/9/2015 04:55 - United States - Edmond

Today, the girl I like at work surprised me in the otherwise empty break room. She caught me taking part in what might as well have been the Ball-Scratching Olympics. I didn't notice she was behind me until she cleared her throat to get my attention. Shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21371

You deserved it

13029

Favorite

By why - 14/3/2014 23:23 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was tanning nude in my backyard, when I took a picture of our dog lying in the grass and sent it to my dad. It was only after I looked at the picture indoors that I realized my nipple had made it into the picture too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43365

You deserved it

37615

Favorite

By catlady'sdaughter - 3/7/2020 17:01

Needs more training

Today, my mom read online you could train cats to relieve themselves in the toilet. Without reading any further, she took away the litter tray. My house reeks of cat piss and shit, and she still refuses to give the cat its litter tray back, insisting it'll work eventually. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1539

You deserved it

109

Favorite

By emogurl - 22/7/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I returned from a month-long stay in a psych ward for severe depression and suicide attempts. The first words my friends say to me when I call them and let them know I'm out? "Does this mean you're not gonna be so emo? 'cause that was really annoying." FML

I agree, your life sucks

50748

You deserved it

28052

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/1/2017 22:00

Today, I got reverse suspended for correcting my teacher. Now my mom has to go to all my high school classes with me for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5936

You deserved it

576

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/3/2012 01:54 - United States - Natrona Heights

Today, I felt manly. I spent almost the entire day peeling paint, power sanding, and applying Spackle for my grandma. Strutting with masculinity, I headed for the shower, only to let out a womanly yelp at a spider hanging at eye level around a corner. Manliness gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13857

You deserved it

23617

Favorite

By strwbrry - 27/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, I came home early, and my boyfriend's car was in my driveway. Inside, he was talking to my parents. He walked right past me and left. My mother then says "He wanted me to tell you it's over." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36148

You deserved it

2789

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/4/2015 18:04 - United States - Milton

Today, a guy tried to carjack me. Good news: I drive a stick shift, and the idiot apparently couldn't, so I still have my car. Bad news: he was so angry, he beat the shit out of me. I had to get stitches, and now I look like I went on a date with Chris Brown. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35437

You deserved it

2624

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By exileonmainst | 16

#7534181 - Saturday 26 August 2017 16:09

Film it so you can prove her wrong! It's important to get those early wins against your parents-in-law!

By Fucc_Logic_4evah | 13

#7534206 - Saturday 26 August 2017 16:58

I get the feeling she'd like to help you...

COMMENTS

By exileonmainst | 16

#7534181 - Saturday 26 August 2017 16:09

Film it so you can prove her wrong! It's important to get those early wins against your parents-in-law!

By Fucc_Logic_4evah | 13

#7534206 - Saturday 26 August 2017 16:58

I get the feeling she'd like to help you...

By RichardPencil | 28

#7534208 - Saturday 26 August 2017 17:05

You should say, “Hey, it’s your son who is under pressure — all I have to do is lie there.”

By mt21mt | 15

#7534211 - Saturday 26 August 2017 17:10

All it says is, "thanks, but no thanks." Is there more to this fml?

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7534212 - Saturday 26 August 2017 17:11

At least she's being supportive? But that's kind of weird... like, how does she know? :O

Liongoddess8 | 18

#7534269 - Saturday 26 August 2017 21:23

It's tradition, on your wedding night.

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7534253 - Saturday 26 August 2017 20:35

"I've been great before and I'll be great again tonight"

By chessu | 21

#7534256 - Saturday 26 August 2017 20:40

I don't know.. I mean it is a little weird, but at least she's really supportive of your relationship, which is not what a lot of people can say!

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#7534285 - Saturday 26 August 2017 22:26

Tell her that with all of the practicing you've both been doing you'd hope so!

By John Henry | 11

#7534397 - Sunday 27 August 2017 7:21

lol YDI have a great night;)

By chosha_fml | 25

#7534489 - Sunday 27 August 2017 15:49

Ugh, she needs to get some boundaries.