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By Anonymous - 30/12/2017 15:00

Today, after 4 years of college to get a BA in Marketing and 2 years to get an MBA, I landed a great job as a receptionist. My boss likes to fist bump when I buzz him through the security door correctly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 223

You deserved it 824

By Sal - 03/03/2009 18:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob. She replied, "you know that won't happen, I'm a vegetarian." FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 066

You deserved it 31 145

After vacation

By Anonymous - 23/12/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 517

You deserved it 288

By pissedoff - 28/06/2016 11:53 - United States - Benton

Today, my morning started off by stepping in my dog's piss by the door. Then, stepping in my husband's piss by the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 894

You deserved it 1 353

By Lightlysalted - 19/04/2018 19:00

Today, I was invited to a special meal for receiving a scholarship from my college. My mom refuses to take me because “your sister’s going there too and didn’t get a scholarship; it wouldn’t be fair to her.” I guess fairness doesn’t apply to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 308

You deserved it 240

By Anonymous - 06/05/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to jump out from behind the bedroom door to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday. I slipped and broke two ribs when I hit the ground. Instead of a sexy birthday evening, he got to take me to hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 516

You deserved it 1 451

Dumpster diving

By rummaging - 18/05/2016 13:46 - United States - Bloomington

Today, my boyfriend found the box of photos I've been saving for my daughter. He was convinced I was pining over her father and emptied the box into the dumpster behind our apartment. I'm still not done digging through the garbage to find the photos from the day my daughter was born. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 041

You deserved it 1 307

The View

By Anonymous - 30/04/2020 17:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend refuses to do doggy style anymore because I, and I quote, "have a weird looking butthole, it’s not dirty or anything, it’s just the strangest butthole I’ve ever seen, it’s really distracting." So now, I’m not only self-conscious about my small boobs, but my ugly asshole too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 838

You deserved it 366

By justno - 03/08/2018 19:00

Today, my best friend of 10 years blocked me for no reason. When I went to her house to ask why she did it and apologize for whatever it was, she told me to kill myself and slammed the door. I still don't know what I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 185

You deserved it 364

By Anonymous - 27/03/2016 04:46 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating after she read some of my messages I sent to an old female friend. Apparently I'm very flirty with her. I showed her the same kind of messages that I sent to my guy friends as well. Now I'm apparently gay and cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 843

You deserved it 2 753

For what occasion

By Single Sally - 01/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Brandon

Today, my boyfriend of five years finally gave me a ring. Oh no, not an engagement ring. He gave me a ring "to apologize for sleeping with his married coworker." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 538

You deserved it 187

By Justkillme - 15/11/2018 03:00

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've been seeing. He confessed that he gave me chlamydia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 718

You deserved it 452

By Anonymous - 04/01/2016 15:14 - United States - Dalton

Today, this beautiful girl that I've known for a long time told me that she just can't date me anymore because I remind her too much of her cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 441

You deserved it 1 915

By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 13:34 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Today, I accidentally farted while on my flight home. It was silent but so deadly that several people were visibly distressed. The overweight guy sitting next to me got a bunch of dirty glares. I was too ashamed to own up to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 704

You deserved it 7 237

By Anonymous - 05/06/2019 16:00

Today, my boyfriend saw me without make-up for the first time we've been dating for two years. He freaked because he didn't know who I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 123

You deserved it 2 682

By sick and lonely - 27/08/2016 03:19 - United States - Rockford

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while I had a fever from a stomach virus. I was shivering with cold sweats while she explained there was nothing wrong with our relationship, but she would regret not giving her cheating ex a second chance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 335

You deserved it 1 154

By Anonymous - 09/10/2017 23:15

Today, I married the beautiful girl I’ve been in love with since we were both 6 years old. By married, I mean I performed the marriage ceremony as the vicar and watched her smile and kiss her arsehole boyfriend, now husband, right in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 767

You deserved it 1 317

The unexpected

By RikkiTikkiTavi - 12/11/2019 05:00

Today, I was working at my desk and wearing my new noise cancelling headphones. I couldn’t hear anyone around me, so I let out a nice long fart. Every desk behind me was occupied and the fart was not silent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 3 660

By Jason - 14/02/2018 15:00

Today, I bought my crush a bouquet of roses plus one fake. The line was going to be, "I'll stop loving you when the last rose dies." I told my best friend and he thought it was such an amazing idea that he stole the fake rose and gave it to her himself. Guess who got the girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 261

You deserved it 672

By Anonymous - 25/06/2016 09:02 - United States - Allen

Today, I got screamed and honked at by a driver who felt I was in the way of his turn. I was on foot, and on the sidewalk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 935

You deserved it 950

The price of sin

By Anonymous - 30/05/2016 16:35 - United States - Houston

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have some alone time under the stars. Things were getting hot and heavy in my truck bed and clothes went everywhere. After getting dressed, I felt pain. Little did I know that I threw my underwear in an ant pile. I got bit down south, a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 841

You deserved it 3 893

By Don’t know what to think - 16/06/2018 01:30

Today, my boyfriend cheated on me with an Eagles cheerleader. I found out when his dad proudly posted about it on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 363

You deserved it 336

Bye, loser

By Anonymous - 20/04/2016 00:56 - United States - Oceanside

Today, my husband's ex-girlfriend is getting a restraining order on him. Turns out, for the past 2 years of our marriage, he has been trying to contact her and ditching work to stalk her. To top it all off, he told me not to come to court with him because he doesn't want her to see he downgraded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 752

You deserved it 2 231

By karmaiguess - 18/10/2018 03:00

Today, I saw the guy I bullied during elementary school and tried to apologize to him. Instead, he took out a knife and stabbed me. I'm currently in the ER. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 380

You deserved it 5 234

By Coaldust - 03/01/2017 02:02

Today, my niece stole a bottle of whiskey from me to mix with Monster and get drunk with her boyfriend. It was a bottle of 23-year-old Pappy Van Winkle's that cost over $2000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 638

You deserved it 2 007

By Devlynfly - 25/02/2016 04:32 - Canada - London

Today, while working as a hostess, one of my tattoos on my leg was showing. It's not uncommon for guests to comment on tattoos as we're high end and I'm one of two staff members with visible tattoos. What is uncommon is an elderly lady hiking up my skirt for a better view. I flashed everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 607

You deserved it 2 263

Devlynfly tells us more.

Devlynfly 11

Thursday 25 February 2016 15:30

OP here! Thanks for all the comments and concerns. To make this shorter I've already answered specific questions directly. She was a really nice lady and thought my hand tattoos (flowers,) were nice and just wanted to see the rest of the hidden one she noticed. After she realized just how far up my leg it went, and how high my skirt had been pulled she did back away. I could be mad at her but really I just see it as a funny story to tell, no harm was meant and she meant it as a compliment in her own way. She did tip me, and it helped my business at least since other customers felt bad for me and over tipped me. ;) Keep the jokes coming, I think they're all great!

By fartz - 31/08/2013 06:04 - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, apparently I rolled over towards my fiancé and told him "We gotta save the turtles!" and had a five seconds long fart. Now he won't stop making fun of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 531

You deserved it 8 110

Emergency

By automotive glass tech - 21/01/2016 18:09 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, while I was working replacing a windshield, some jerk off hit my truck. A truck carrying 2 grand in glass. Including the windshield I was about to install. The driver gets out and says, "Sorry man, I had to text my girlfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 867

You deserved it 1 253

Side dick

By Joanna - 27/12/2018 18:00

Spicy

Today, during sex I said my side dick's name instead of my boyfriend. He isn't speaking to me now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 670

You deserved it 13 015

Another Tinder Swindler

By stormblade27 - 28/01/2019 02:00

Today, my friend told me to try dating apps, saying, “What's the worst that could happen?” I just finished paying some girl $100 to not send a dick pic to all my Facebook friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 017

You deserved it 7 456

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Today, my 4 year-old son got a hole in his head from doing a twirl jump off bricks out the back. After being in hospital for 8 hours, my car battery was flat from me leaving the lights on. My husband went to get a new battery and lost his wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 969

You deserved it 141

Today, I proudly showed off my new body, after losing 80 pounds. My life-long best friend immediately uninvited me to her upcoming wedding, and won't explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 438

You deserved it 65

Today, I was trying to entertain my crush at a party by showing off my juggling skills. I confidently grabbed three random objects, not realizing one was a jar of pickles. Mid-juggle, the jar slipped and shattered, splashing pickle juice all over my crush. She just stared at me in disbelief, while I stood there smelling like vinegar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 738

Today, my stomach started to hurt. When I got home, my parents had company over, which I had to rush past to use the bathroom. After being in the bathroom for about 3 minutes, my mother yells to me from the other room, in front of the guests, "Are you OK in there?" I'm 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 559

You deserved it 4 090

Today, I had to endure a long drive from Poland to England. We weren't allowed to open our windows. My mum threw up. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 527

You deserved it 3 368

Today, as a joke, my friend put my bus money in the vending machine. Not only did the machine not return my money, it wouldn't give me an item in return. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 340

You deserved it 4 605