The Top

While it is a public system and I'm bound to encounter plenty of 'weird' people, I would still never expect a 50 something year old professional woman to be picking at her scalp and then eating whatever it is she picks out. And while none of her pickings ended up on me, one good head shake would have changed that very quickly. It would have been Christmas in my lap in May!

JESUS CHRIST!

By rubmytummy - 10/06/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I was helping my church clean up a park. I was given a sledgehammer and told to break up a concrete picnic table so we could haul it off. About halfway through, I swung the sledgehammer REALLY hard, completely missed the table, and hit myself in the shin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 836

You deserved it 23 363

By emopoe - 06/09/2011 15:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend let me know that when we met, he wouldn't have even talked to me if I was as fat as I am now. But lucky for me, he stays with me because, "there's love or something." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 986

You deserved it 13 020

Taking it too far

By wolf boy - 10/07/2011 00:13 - United States

Today, I went to the park with a girl I like. She got playful and climbed a tree, insisting I come up too. While we were sitting and enjoying the view, she suddenly knocked me off the branch, sending me crashing to the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 525

You deserved it 6 163

By jab43 - 23/07/2011 00:57 - United States

Today, after returning home from a camping trip, I found a leech on my love spuds. I ended up having to call my dad in to help me get it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 083

You deserved it 5 028

By notthedad - 15/03/2011 15:50 - China

Today, I got a call from my long distance girlfriend. She's about a month pregnant. I haven't seen her in person for six months, but she still insists it's mine. I don't know which would be worse: her lying or her being that stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 528

You deserved it 5 648

By bsaucedo - 28/07/2009 05:00 - United States

Today, I was at the Wild Animal Park. There were bees everywhere. One brave bee, thinking he was Mr. Macho, flew right down my tank top in between my boobs. I freaked the hell out and ended up screaming and pulling down my shirt to get the bee out. I flashed about 10 kids and their families. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 941

You deserved it 9 923

bsaucedo tells us more.

bsaucedo 0

Wednesday 29 July 2009 9:19

who says my tank top was low cut and my cleavage was showing ? my shirt doesnt need to be low cut for a bee to fly in. so you deserve to be run over :)

By Derek Lee - 22/05/2011 13:53 - United States

Today, I sold my Xbox 360 on Craigslist. I met the dude at the mall. I gave him my Xbox and a handshake for buying. I left without the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 874

You deserved it 70 411

By coolhand - 29/08/2009 15:13 - United States

Today, I waited for my girlfriend to get in the shower before I stripped down to try and seduce her. I got ready, threw open the door and went in. I walked in on her taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 527

You deserved it 67 521

By Rehab - 11/02/2010 19:58 - United States

Today, I was looking through my computer's history to find a website I had visited. I found an online forum where my son was discussing how to inject Oxycontin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 415

You deserved it 3 736

Shut up

By anon - 04/05/2009 21:56 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a theater waiting for the movie to start when a hot guy sat next to me. Trying to impress him, I made seemingly witty comments to my friend throughout the movie. When it ended, he loudly complained to his friends about the 'annoying girl' sitting next to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 772

You deserved it 105 151

By nemo518 - 23/12/2010 06:36 - Canada

Today, I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing "Eye of the Tiger". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 193

You deserved it 9 461

By Anonymous - 16/06/2011 20:55 - United States

Today, I found out that I was one point away from passing a state science exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 686

You deserved it 11 469

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 07:14 - United States

Today, I told my parents that I wanted a little brother. My dad apparently thought it would be funny to tell me that my mom just swallowed my little brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 534

You deserved it 84

Keeping it in the family

By Drew - 05/08/2010 05:18 - United States

Today, I discovered that my mom is having an affair… with her cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 740

You deserved it 4 357

Scheißleben

By LearnGeographyUSA - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Kirkland

Today, and for the past 13 months, I've been living in the States. I've been called a Nazi, asked if we have electricity in Germany, and been made fun of the way I speak with my "German accent", the list goes on. I'm not even German, I'm Danish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 143

You deserved it 2 979

Medication shutdown

By Anonymous - 29/09/2011 09:46 - United States

Today, I realized that due to my anti-depressants, I can no longer orgasm. At. All. Which depresses me more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 962

You deserved it 4 965

By Cheyennereed - 17/02/2013 15:50 - United States - Shaw A F B

Today, while on my way to the movies, I stopped at a gas station to pick up candy so I could avoid the high prices at the movies. The guy who tore my ticket asked for my purse, confiscated my candy, and then kicked me out of the movie theater. That guy was my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 721

You deserved it 9 076

By kal - 28/02/2012 21:03 - United States

Today, in bio class, we were studying the reproductive system. I don't like talking about this stuff, and I twitched every time my teacher said "penis" or "vagina." When I told my family, they laughed and kept repeating those words just to see me twitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 538

You deserved it 37 043

By myennechee - 18/03/2009 05:22 - Germany

Today, I asked my boyfriend while he was eating potato chips if he wanted to eat me. He looked at the potato chips, looked at me, and said, "Unless your vagina turns into a potato chip, I'd rather eat these." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 232

You deserved it 92 027

Not now!

By Adam - 16/03/2010 20:51 - United States

Today, I woke up to go pee and my cat followed me into the bathroom as usual. Then, in a not so usual fashion, she tried to jump from the sink to the top of the toilet, missed, and fell into the bowl while I was peeing. I'm scratched in a bad place, I have urine to clean up off the bathroom floor, and a traumatized cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 362

You deserved it 5 193

By Anonymous - 09/04/2012 00:13 - United States - San Mateo

Today, my boyfriend gave me a $100 gift card for Victoria's Secret. Suspicious, I checked the receipt he'd left in the bag. Turns out he had bought it during the two weeks we were broken up for some other girl who rejected him, so decided to give it to me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 382

You deserved it 6 999

By thats_not_good - 28/05/2009 18:15 - United States

Today, I was getting my first tattoo done. My parents told me it was a bad idea. My friends' parents told me it was a bad idea. I told them that people get tattoos done all the time and nothing goes wrong. 50 min into the tattoo on my back, the artist says "Oh shit, shit, shit. We can fix this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 443

You deserved it 126

thats_not_good tells us more.

thats_not_good 0

Sunday 2 May 2010 5:10

The tattoo is on my shoulder blade, and it's a Celtic knot that I drew up myself. The artist was filling in the shading in the knot after finishing the outline when he started filling in an area on the wrong side of the line. He ended up fixing it so the design came out symmetrical, and it looks really good. No regrets and no worries.

By John - 24/06/2011 23:58 - United States

Today, while walking home I was jumped by two guys, one of whom shouted, "You shouldn't have run your mouth off, Rick!" My name is John. Only after they repeatedly axe-kicked me in the chest did they realize their mistake. It now hurts to breathe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 149

You deserved it 3 247