Work: Today, I was trying to go to sleep when I heard my sister come...

By jessefonsexy. - United States

Today, I was trying to go to sleep when I heard my sister come home from the bar. I fell asleep and woke up an hour later to see my sister squatting in my dresser drawer. I asked her what she was doing and she said "I'm peeing." FML

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Work

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By Nutty - United States

Today, I was sitting next to this cute guy on an airplane who I had started talking to. There was still an empty seat between us and it seemed like there weren't any more passengers boarding the plane. I then asked out loud, "I wonder if anyone will sit between us?" He replied "I hope so." FML

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By musicalkitcat - United States

Today, one of my best friends went into labor 14 days early. I'd told my boss previously about this and that I need to be there for my friend as she doesn't really have any family. My boss will not let me leave work to be there. Why? I didn't give enough notice. FML

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By oww - 14/5/2020 08:02

Trust

Today, I told my boyfriend we should avoid the local walking trail after I got followed by a homeless man. He assured me we’d be fine and the guy wouldn’t approach me as long as I had a man with me. Wrong. We both got beat up and robbed by said homeless man. FML

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By HeartToFart - United States - North Port

Today, I had to grip the headboard of my bed for the first time in months. I wasn't having incredible sex unfortunately, just really bad gas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend called my parents to let them know I broke up with him. He was sobbing. FML

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By obtuse_ballsack - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I desperately needed to pee, but my mom was in the bathroom taking a shower, so I waited patiently until she finished. Just as I was about to go in, my half-naked dad rushed ahead, said "Going somewhere, son?" and shut the door on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my missing shoe. It hit me as it fell out the tree in our front yard. FML

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By nirvana_mama157 - United States

Today, my husband asked me, "Why do you love me?" I spent the next five minutes spilling my heart and soul out to him. After I'd asked the same question, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "I don't." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. I started fixing my hair and unbuttoning a couple of buttons on my shirt, hoping the policeman would let me off with a warning. When he got to the car, he rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath. I saw him walk back to the cop car gagging. FML

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By nbj10 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my dad went snooping on my laptop, and saw that I'd recently looked up 2 Girls, 1 Cup. It was out of morbid curiosity, but he thinks I'm into "satanic porn", and confiscated every electronic device I own. Now I have to sneak to the library just to check my emails. FML

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By Jordan - United States

Today, my friend paypal'd me some money to tide me over until my school loans come through. For a transaction description, he wrote "to get back in that pussy game." It got red flagged, and I had to talk with three female customer service agents before it went through. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I finally got the results of months of extensive psychological testing to determine why I did so well in my course but performed so terribly on the job. Turns out I'm autistic. FML

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By buster - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on stage at a local preschool about fire safety. I'm 32 years old and passed out on stage because I felt extremely nervous and intimitated by a group of 4 year olds. FML

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By smashed - United States

Today, I bought my nephew some giant green Incredible Hulk fists for his birthday. He thanked me by Hulk-smashing me in the nuts. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I woke up early and went to the dermatologist's, only to have them tell me that the skin condition I have that causes big, white spots to appear is chronic and I can do nothing about it. But they did give me cream for a different skin condition they found. FML

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By Anonymous - Saudi Arabia - Jiddah

Today, by pure chance, I found the website where my boyfriend has been getting all the cute, "original" romantic texts he sends me, including the one that made me fall in love with him to begin with. FML

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By mick

Today, on my and my wife's very first camping holiday, someone cut a hole in the tent wall while we slept and stole everything, including my keys and the car. Finally getting home, it seems the thieves got our address from the car's sat-nav and burgled the house as well. FML

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By jailbirdlove - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love. Her phone rang, and she stopped to answer it. It was her ex-boyfriend, calling her from jail. She talked to him for 15 minutes. To top it all off, before she hung up, I heard her tell him she loved him, and couldn't wait for him to get out. FML

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By crushed - United States - Raleigh

Today, I got really excited when I got an email from a guy I've been flirting with in my math class. Turns out he thinks I stole his calculator and wants it back immediately. There goes my chance. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lynchburg

Today, a classmate found out I have a boyfriend. He said, "Really? YOU??" FML

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By AllieG33 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, after returning from taking my sister off to college, my parents told me that our house would be a lot quieter with my sister gone. Not because she's loud, but because she has friends and I apparently don't. FML

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By Does this thought count? - Canada - Toronto

Today, my ex-boyfriend surprised me with a gorgeous, giant stuffed tiger as a belated birthday gift. I thought it was a lovely gesture until a friend told me she had thrown it in the dumpster behind our building this morning. FML

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By Hufflepuff girl

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying that last night was awesome. When I said, "What do you mean?" he answered, "Come on Jess, I bet you can't stand straight." My name is Britney, but my friend's name is Jessica. FML

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By Nick - France

Today, I got tased, with the same taser I bought my girlfriend to use on people trying to rob her. FML

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By Faluna - Sweden

Today, I found out that the mysterious yellow mould that won't come off my apartment floor is in fact the remains of a condom my room-mate used when she was f*cking her boyfriend in my bed. Afterwards, she apparently threw it on the floor and let it lie there. For three weeks. FML

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By Timmah - United States

Today, I got written up at work for making a customer feel bad. I made him feel bad by laughing uncontrollably at him when he asked if we sold real light sabers. FML

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By Loser - United States

Today, I was playing a game of truth or dare in a group with a girl I liked. She was dared to kiss me, but then the group decided that that was too cruel of a dare. FML

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By skjjj - United States

Today, I went to my cousin's communion. We came late and walked to the front of the church where my family was. Everyone stared and laughed but I ignored it. After the service was done my mom came up to me and pulled a long piece of toilet paper out of my skirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2020 16:54

Clocked

Today, I was stopped by a customer who told me that I looked like a nice woman. I thanked him for the compliment and pointed out that I was a man. With an obviously male name on my name tag. And visible facial hair. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Kingston

Today, my girlfriend dyed her hair from blonde to brunette. An hour later, she found one of her blonde hairs on my pillow, and accused me of cheating. FML

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By kaytiebobaytie - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend. We were driving to his hockey game and he was joking around about throwing my favorite hoodie out of his window. While swinging it around, my brand new iPhone flew out of the pocket and the window, getting run over by a car. FML

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By PigPen - United States

Today, I had lunch with friends I hadn't seen in years. We took a few group shots with my camera, and I went home and downloaded them to my computer. Seeing them on my monitor, I noticed a yellow spot on my black shirt, so I looked down. A big, dried booger was stuck there. FML

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By Chan - United States

Today, I was holding my son and smelled poop so I checked his diaper, but there was nothing there. Then I realized it was my breath. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Marcos

Today, my mom wished me "Happy Conception Day." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for my birthday, someone left a big bottle of mouth wash on my desk with a big bow on it. FML

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By cockblockedbyFB - United States - San Antonio

Today, like every other day, my wife doesn't have time for sex because she's too busy on Facebook. Then she bitched me out because "we never have sex anymore." FML

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By karen

I'm a meme

Today, as always, my name is Karen. FML

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By can't shut my mouth - United States - Houston

Manage your way out of that one

Today, after a string of crappy employees had come and gone over the month, I was joking to my manager that maybe we should move the "Now Hiring" sign further away from the trash can so we'd stop getting garbage hires. The new girl was right behind me. I'll be her trainer all week. FML

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By Jen

Today, I had to call a customer. I usually try to avoid calling customers because I have a very prominent speech impediment. Well, it turns out the customer I called also has a speech impediment and thought I was mocking her. She hung up on me and filed a formal complaint with my company. FML

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By PerfectTiming - Netherlands - Eindhoven

Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door. Before I could do anything, the door swung around and smeared it everywhere. My dog excels at timing. FML

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Top comments

By stronghand0331 | 17

#1808878 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:29

It took her an hour and a half to pee in one drawer? I think NOT! Better check the others to find the puke and the crap.

By grandpaearthling | 2

#1808803 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:17

hey you could have just woken the next day wondering why you clothes were wet. be happy you woke up in time to do laundry. heehee

COMMENTS

By TheSilentQueef | 0

#1808726 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:07

next time tell her se can squat on my tiny penis

ClickMyPicture | 0

#1808975 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:46

Is insulting yourself a new thing?

zkchild | 0

#1809021 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:52

She was just trying to make you cloths smell like piss.

zkchild | 0

#1809042 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:55

Your*

ClickMyPicture | 0

#1809090 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 17:00

clothes*

zkchild | 0

#1809217 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 17:15

Thank you

gunmania0 | 12

#1809253 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 17:21

Hot.

blonderabbit | 0

#1810025 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 19:54

just let it happen.

jewban | 3

#1810855 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 23:41

i am trying to picture this but how do you squat in a dresser like wouldn't it fall lol idk maybe some people have really big dressers

aguyeatingataco | 2

#1811306 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 2:51

yeah go poop in her dresser I agree

iSnowboard | 0

#1811911 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 7:10

haha

mamamiaaa_fml | 12

#1812664 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 10:41

uhh agree go take a dump n her dresser.

alex1502 | 0

#1821830 - Friday 10 December 2010 6:28

*in*

SittingInTheSky | 6

#2256054 - Monday 28 March 2011 17:53

WhaT the hell is wrong with you you pedo!!!

By crumbycool881 | 0

#1808730 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:07

o snap

aamor01 | 0

#2462471 - Thursday 5 May 2011 8:59

Would have pissed me off!

z620 | 0

#3175960 - Thursday 25 August 2011 5:40

Slap a ho

KyraJFoxx | 14

#5452543 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 4:17

Soooo.... did you happen to piss her off by any chance or is peeing in drawers something natural to her ?

By Michyxo | 14

#1808733 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:07

Ughh, gross.

By xBraindead | 0

#1808735 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:07

FYL O.o That sucks

BadasS14 | 0

#1812722 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 11:01

That stinks!

lolretard | 0

#4195385 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 14:35

By machiko_fml | 0

#1808756 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:10

Let her take a dump too.

ambition10 | 0

#1809165 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 17:10

haha XD

eftup | 8

#1809639 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 18:53

lol ew

By Michigan_Girl | 0

#1808761 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:10

Sounds like my sister...she squats in the middle of her bedroom floor to pee.

iliketurdles | 7

#1809393 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 17:46

Umm.. unless she's in prison then WTF?

cantdeleteaccount | 2

#1811959 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 7:31

NO! when youre in prison ur suppose to go in a corner. everybody knows that

By grandpaearthling | 2

#1808803 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:17

hey you could have just woken the next day wondering why you clothes were wet. be happy you woke up in time to do laundry. heehee

By wtfurcrazy | 0

#1808817 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:20

you should be thanking her. she has provided you with something to drink. APPLE JUICE! :D yummy!

mughni | 10

#1814004 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:01

Eewww :-p

SittingInTheSky | 6

#2256070 - Monday 28 March 2011 17:58

YOU are nasty!

By WallyTheWombat | 0

#1808832 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:22

Go poop in her drawer.

BDTM | 0

#1808855 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:26

agreed

MzKylz | 0

#1808938 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:40

better yet.. in her bed!

By SouthernRebfl | 0

#1808873 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:28

that's purdy damn funny!!! sux for u!!!