Work: Today, I was trying to go to sleep when I heard my sister come...

By jessefonsexy. - United States

Today, I was trying to go to sleep when I heard my sister come home from the bar. I fell asleep and woke up an hour later to see my sister squatting in my dresser drawer. I asked her what she was doing and she said "I'm peeing." FML

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Work

Messed up

Sorry…

No, it's not a cult, not at all

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Paignton

Asshat

Today, a potential customer was looking at a treadmill at the fitness warehouse I work at. Once he was done testing it out, I asked him if he'd like me to order it for him. His reply? "Nah. I only had a go on it 'cause it looked like fun. Hey, but you could order one for yourself, huh, chubs?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to a local drag racing spot to get her more involved with my friends. Her ex showed up and wanted to race me. I won the race, but blew my engine. I had to use his dad's towing service to get my car home. FML

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By oops - United States - Mankato

Today, I accidentally farted while shopping. There was an awkward silence followed by a god-awful stink and a lady's little girl bursting into tears. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Pewaukee

Today, a guy I have been crushing on since forever finally talked to me. Too bad it happened after an anxiety attack when he carried me from class to the nurse's. The first thing he said to me when I came to was, "You're heavier than you look." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, just a few minutes after I got to work, my usually laconic boss came into my office and said, "Pack your stuff and get the f*ck out." Apparently, half my department was being downsized. Thinking it was an April Fool's, I burst out laughing and told him how funny the prank was. He wasn't kidding. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Durham

Today, I had a doctor's appointment because I've recently lost weight. I'm already underweight, and I was concerned because the weight loss has been causing some other health concerns to worsen. My doctor's exact words of advice? "Eating food usually leads to weight gain." FML

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By wellthisisawkward80 - United States

Today, I was attending my bachelor party. I watched a very attractive young girl dancing on a pole, giving me a seductive look. As she walked up to me, I realized it was my soon-to-be wife's younger sister. FML

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By Chaosfigure

Today, after my driving instructor told me I should pass without any worries at all, I completely failed. I was hit by another car. While parked. FML

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By loverpants - United States

Today, I made the "Good luck, We'll miss you!" sign for my own going away party. FML

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By bobby - United States

Today, I went to lick the excess peanut butter off the knife after making a PB and J. Turns out the knife can and will cut your tongue, even though you don't think it will. FML

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By unproud - United Kingdom - Luton

Today, while my hometown mayor becomes a world-famous crackhead and douche-bag, here in the UK it has come to this: when people hear my accent and ask me if I'm American, it's less embarrassing just to say, "Yeah", rather than admit I'm Canadian. FML

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By AdoKitty - United States - Redlands

Today, the 4-year-old I was babysitting came up to me all happy, saying she went to the bathroom like a "big girl". Knowing she was just potty trained, I asked if she'd remembered to flush. Looking at me confused, she said, "But it's in my room." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Out of the frying pan…

Today, it's been 2 days since I got over having the flu for over a week, missing work the whole time. I just got food poisoning. FML

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By whoneedsdumbcars - United States

Today, at a restaurant, I noticed a really hot girl leaving with her friend. A few minutes later they came back, laughing uncontrollably, and announced that some moron forgot to put on their parking brake and the car was rolling into the full parking lot. It was my car. They watched me chase it. FML

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By Stinky - United States

Today, at 2am, I heard a strange sound coming from the hallway. I walked over, only to discover my drunk boyfriend pissing in the closet. On my favorite shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Lewes

Today, I found out that licking your very chapped lips while totally zoned out and looking in the general direction of a girl, will end up with you becoming the massive college creeper that everyone avoids. FML

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By grossew

Today, my farm dog and I are spending the weekend in an urban area. She won't poop on concrete, so I directed her to a nice two-foot tall grassy median. As she vaulted up onto the median, two turds shot out of her ass and plopped right on my foot. FML

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By ThanksMom - United States - State College

Today, while taking out the trash late at night with my mom, a group of people drove by and decided it would be funny to turn around and chase us up the driveway in their car. Before I even realized what was happening, my mom was already halfway to the house yelling back, "You're on your own!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I put a magnet on my brand new car. I got rear-ended by someone who was trying to read it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out first-hand that the most horrifying sight you can ever witness is two morbidly obese people getting nasty with each other in a dance club's run-down, public restroom. FML

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By Marcella - United States

Today, my fiance told me he thought it was time that we started to see other people. I'm six months pregnant with his baby. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to check up on a 400-pound inmate who was very upset about being locked up. When I got to his cell, he threw one of his own turds at me through the bars. I took a hit. FML

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By neverforgetyourphone - Canada - Barrie

Pile up

Today, I got into an accident. As I was talking to a police officer about what happened, the tow truck driver managed to take my car and drive away, leaving me with no phone or wallet. I just spent an hour walking home in a hail storm. FML

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By catsofly7 - United States

Today, I had a job interview at 9:00am. I left at around 8:30am, and as soon as I got in the car to drive to the interview, I checked my phone again, and it said 10:33. My boyfriend had decided to change the time on my clock as a "joke." FML

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By madseason - United States

Today, I confronted my girlfriend about cheating on me. Her response was that it's not cheating since she is getting paid. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was friendzoned by my boyfriend due to the fact that we never fight. Apparently, if there's no fighting, there's no passion. FML

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By Anonymous - Malawi

Today, I went to a coworker's wedding. Instead of getting to celebrate their marriage, we spent most of the service being lectured by the priest on how women are a freak by-product of "God's masterpiece design" and are the cause of all the world's problems. FML

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By lolomg - New Zealand

Today, my dad met my fiancé's dad for the first time. My fiancé's dad is a cop. He had arrested my dad for indecent exposure in the past. FML

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By Wititipwitpwit - France

Today, I broke the glass of the photocopier trying to photocopy my ass. My boss will be here in five hours. She'll know it was me. I'm the only night guardian. FML

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By Gbeat411 - United States

Today, I went to boxing and this hot chick asked me if I was wearing a sports cup. I replied yes, when I wasn't. I thought she was going to check with her hand and feel. She checked with her knee. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after buying dinner from the supermarket, I had the change in my hand, and my wallet. In the parking lot, a quarter fell out of my hand, and right next to the street drain. As I went to pick it up, my wallet fell down the drain. FML

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By mikey - United States

Today, I realized that the full body wax I got two weeks ago that my wife told me would look sexy doesn't just make me look like a completely hairless ten-year-old boy. The ingrown hairs everywhere now make me look like someone with chicken pox. FML

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By saintmichi - Poland

Today, after a 9 hour train journey through the Polish mountains, I mistook a small black and white cat for a penguin. FML

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By danmarino - United States

Today, these kids in my math class told me to ask this girl if I could lick her clit. I basically yelled, "What's a clit?" Everyone looked at me. I'm a senior in high school, no one has yet to explain it to me. I had to google it when I got home. FML

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By kenzieeeee - United States

Today, I got stuck in a blizzard. My mother never picked me up like she was supposed to, and wasn't answering her phone. After walking around for a half hour, freezing, I finally found her. Where was she? Sitting in Pizza Hut, having a great time. FML

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By lifeofamusicteacher - Hong Kong

Today, I got yelled at by parents of one of my students because their child didn't perform well at their Winter Concert. These are the same parents who told me months ago that I needed to be more lenient by allowing their kids to skip rehearsals. FML

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By notacreeper

Today, I told my mother I have a girlfriend. Her first answer was "Does she know?" FML

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By mynameisarmpit

Today, I went out to eat with my girlfriend. The waiter came up and was being nice. He said, "What can I get you two gentlemen?" FML

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By WartCream - United States - Olathe

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a weird wart-removal ad came on. He watched in disgust as the lady's wart said rude things to her. Then he looked at me and said seriously, "I'm glad yours don't talk..." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, during sex, I somehow sneezed hard enough to really hurt my neck and shoulder. But don't worry, writhing in pain doesn't ruin the mood. My boyfriend just kept going. FML

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Top comments

By stronghand0331 | 17

#1808878 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:29

It took her an hour and a half to pee in one drawer? I think NOT! Better check the others to find the puke and the crap.

By grandpaearthling | 2

#1808803 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:17

hey you could have just woken the next day wondering why you clothes were wet. be happy you woke up in time to do laundry. heehee

COMMENTS

By TheSilentQueef | 0

#1808726 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:07

next time tell her se can squat on my tiny penis

ClickMyPicture | 0

#1808975 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:46

Is insulting yourself a new thing?

zkchild | 0

#1809021 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:52

She was just trying to make you cloths smell like piss.

zkchild | 0

#1809042 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:55

Your*

ClickMyPicture | 0

#1809090 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 17:00

clothes*

zkchild | 0

#1809217 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 17:15

Thank you

gunmania0 | 12

#1809253 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 17:21

Hot.

blonderabbit | 0

#1810025 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 19:54

just let it happen.

jewban | 3

#1810855 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 23:41

i am trying to picture this but how do you squat in a dresser like wouldn't it fall lol idk maybe some people have really big dressers

aguyeatingataco | 2

#1811306 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 2:51

yeah go poop in her dresser I agree

iSnowboard | 0

#1811911 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 7:10

haha

mamamiaaa_fml | 12

#1812664 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 10:41

uhh agree go take a dump n her dresser.

alex1502 | 0

#1821830 - Friday 10 December 2010 6:28

*in*

SittingInTheSky | 6

#2256054 - Monday 28 March 2011 17:53

WhaT the hell is wrong with you you pedo!!!

By crumbycool881 | 0

#1808730 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:07

o snap

aamor01 | 0

#2462471 - Thursday 5 May 2011 8:59

Would have pissed me off!

z620 | 0

#3175960 - Thursday 25 August 2011 5:40

Slap a ho

KyraJFoxx | 14

#5452543 - Wednesday 17 April 2013 4:17

Soooo.... did you happen to piss her off by any chance or is peeing in drawers something natural to her ?

By Michyxo | 14

#1808733 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:07

Ughh, gross.

By xBraindead | 0

#1808735 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:07

FYL O.o That sucks

BadasS14 | 0

#1812722 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 11:01

That stinks!

lolretard | 0

#4195385 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 14:35

By machiko_fml | 0

#1808756 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:10

Let her take a dump too.

ambition10 | 0

#1809165 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 17:10

haha XD

eftup | 8

#1809639 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 18:53

lol ew

By Michigan_Girl | 0

#1808761 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:10

Sounds like my sister...she squats in the middle of her bedroom floor to pee.

iliketurdles | 7

#1809393 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 17:46

Umm.. unless she's in prison then WTF?

cantdeleteaccount | 2

#1811959 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 7:31

NO! when youre in prison ur suppose to go in a corner. everybody knows that

By grandpaearthling | 2

#1808803 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:17

hey you could have just woken the next day wondering why you clothes were wet. be happy you woke up in time to do laundry. heehee

By wtfurcrazy | 0

#1808817 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:20

you should be thanking her. she has provided you with something to drink. APPLE JUICE! :D yummy!

mughni | 10

#1814004 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:01

Eewww :-p

SittingInTheSky | 6

#2256070 - Monday 28 March 2011 17:58

YOU are nasty!

By WallyTheWombat | 0

#1808832 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:22

Go poop in her drawer.

BDTM | 0

#1808855 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:26

agreed

MzKylz | 0

#1808938 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:40

better yet.. in her bed!

By SouthernRebfl | 0

#1808873 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:28

that's purdy damn funny!!! sux for u!!!