The Top

So I wouldn't talk and the audience wouldn't hear me. And I didn't make any awkward sounds in the restroom either. All of a sudden the audience just heard a huge "FLUSH!!!!"Which is why the sound guys didnt have time to turn off the mic. And they apologized to me afterwards, but it was embarrassing. Now it's funny.

By anonymous - 26/01/2013 08:42 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, while babysitting my neighbors' kids, their oldest son used a paint pen on the carpet. The boy blamed me and I got fired. He's only 3 and can barely talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 226

You deserved it 5 657

By Owww1 - 22/04/2015 19:20 - United States - Bullhead City

Today, I learned that before you tell a blonde joke, you should make sure that your high school's 6'8", 275-pound, blond quarterback isn't standing behind you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 056

You deserved it 25 607

Owww1 tells us more.

Owww1 5

Thursday 23 April 2015 10:43

Why did the mirror have holes in it? A moron kept trying to shoot himself.

By copenhagen20 - 05/03/2010 20:21 - United States

Today, I'm seven months into a twelve month deployment. I called my fiancée, and she dumped me. The worst part is that two days ago, I re-enlisted to go to a unit an hour away from her house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 262

You deserved it 2 511

By boo - 16/02/2010 20:46 - United States

Today, I learned the reason they say don't keep your phone in high humidity places. I left my phone on the counter when I went to take a shower. It now won't turn on due to water damage and the warranty doesn't cover it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 235

You deserved it 36 240

By my gran is a cuntwaffle - 26/09/2013 20:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my gran came over for dinner, for which I had to go grab some supplies from the supermarket. I guess I should have locked my laptop, because when I came back, I found my gran had used my Facebook account to propose to my now-ecstatic girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 613

You deserved it 6 429

TMI

By Disgusted - 05/07/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. I also found out from her husband that she has her nipples and nether regions pierced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 035

You deserved it 3 805

By Olive14 - 16/12/2010 20:03 - United States

Today, my best friend lost her virginity in the backseat of a car. I was sitting in the front. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 639

You deserved it 7 137

Olive14 tells us more.

Olive14 0

Friday 17 December 2010 1:59

Haha, alright, I'm gonna try to clear this up. It wasn't my car. We were with two guys and it was the guy she was hooking up with's car. I was sitting in the front seat talking with the other guy (you know, 'cause I kinda have this thing where I DON'T hook up with guys I've just met), when we heard sounds from the back and realized they were *******. It's freezing here this time of year, so there was nowhere to go and it was wayyyy too cold to get out of the car. Most. Awkward. Moment. Of. My. Life.

By Anonymous - 04/11/2015 18:26 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was suffering from acid reflux. I was told that drinking water laced with baking soda would help. Nope, all it did was create a huge belch that made me vomit all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 525

You deserved it 3 675