Today, when I returned from holiday, I discovered my best friend...

By stuckonrepeat - 4/8/2010 20:17 - Ireland

Today, when I returned from holiday, I discovered my best friend taught my parrot dirty phrases for fun. I can't get her to shut up and my little niece and nephew are coming over in three days. FML

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Intimacy

Nice neighborhood

Delayed proposal

You snooze, you lose

By PinkMonkeys - 23/11/2016 18:33

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by sending me flowers that said, "I just need some space, forever. I hope I never see you again, even if you were a great person. It's not you it's me." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2014 23:04 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out the hard way that no good girlfriend-boyfriend conversation ever started with, "Suppose I slept with your best friend..." FML

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By OrangeTree12 - 4/4/2009 06:05 - Canada

Today, a really cute guy sat across from me on the bus. He smiled at me, then tensed his muscles and lifted a heavy bag with one arm. Thinking he was trying to act "macho" to impress me, I rolled my eyes and threw him an annoyed/disgusted look. When he got off, I realized he only had one arm. FML

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By Karate Kid - 25/5/2012 06:29 - Australia - Surry Hills

Today, I was showing some new karate moves in the park to my friends. I mimed a punch behind a girl walking past to show my technique and control, but she must have seen me. She turned around and kicked me in the stomach. To add insult to injury, her technique was better than mine. FML

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By rickjameson - 29/8/2016 10:19 - United States - Kill Devil Hills

Today, I made a point of talking to our parachute riggers, and thanking them for all they do. Today is also the first day I had to pull my reserve chute because my main chute didn't open correctly. FML

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By elle - 23/5/2011 10:17

Today, I found out that the peaceful rain I'd been listening to all night was really a broken water-main flooding my entire yard. FML

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By prian - 8/3/2010 12:08 - Canada

Today, while playing poker, I lost a stack of money to somebody with the screen name "Poopface." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2015 13:02 - Canada - Surrey

Today, while walking to work with my best friend, he broke down in tears. I asked what was wrong, and he told me his mom passed away last night. All I could think to do was give him a hug and say I was sorry. Then some assclown walking past said "GAAAYYY!" and walked away laughing hysterically. FML

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By dantko - 1/1/2014 05:04 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my wife got so drunk she kissed another guy when the ball dropped. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2010 23:40 - United States

Today, I found out that my entire school differentiates me from another girl in my grade with the same name by saying "No, she's the lesbian one." I'm straight. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2019 04:00

Today, my boyfriend came over. We'd planned on losing out virginities today. What we didn't plan on was having my 9-year-old brother and his friends making a video of "What teens do when no one is home." They taped the whole thing, including the five minutes it took us to get the condom on. FML

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By loves the smell of burning flesh - 1/11/2011 13:22 - United States

Today, I drove past a fragrant steakhouse and my mouth began to water and my stomach started rumbling, which would've been perfectly fine if it wasn't for the fact that I'm a vegan and an animal lover. My confused body craves burning flesh. FML

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By ReallyUniverse?? - 18/3/2018 19:00

Today, at work as a dog groomer, two dogs gave me bloody bites, completely unprompted. I went home in tears, so my family got Chinese takeout to cheer me up. My fortune cookie read, "It is not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog that counts." FML

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By IndieRox - 28/11/2009 22:03 - United States

Today, I am lying next to my new husband. We went to Hawaii for our honeymoon and planned on spending the entire time in bed together. We succeeded in that goal, with both of us unable to leave each other's side for entire week. Sex? No. Food poisoning? Yes. FML

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By chiraag87 - 6/11/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, I was called into work to fix up their projection system. I drove 40 kilometers in peak hour to get there. As soon as I parked my car and was about to walk in, I got a phone call saying "Don't worry, we fixed it, you don't have to come in." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 20:00

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Today, my mom told me my aunt was coming over. I told her I might have to work, and would be sad to miss her. My mom said, "Or, you know, if you're not there, it might be nice." FML

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By Ohai - 16/1/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, my mom asked me for advice on how to give a good blow job. I'm a guy. FML

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By GillyPirate - 10/11/2009 23:04 - United States

Today, I received a call offering me a job with the census bureau. I applied for this job 6 months ago while I was still fighting tooth and nail to stay where I was. Since I didn't get the job, I was evicted from my apartment, got on public assistance, and moved from North Carolina to Florida with my mother. FML

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By Again - 25/7/2015 16:55 - United States - Pell City

Today, I received my replacement debit card in the mail after losing my previous one. I've already lost my new one. FML

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By mu5icadd1ct - 8/7/2016 13:22

Today, my sister stole my bike and gave it to her boyfriend. When I told my parents, they said it was fine, because I wasn't using it anyway. The reason I wasn't using it was because it needed a new tire, and I was saving up for one. FML

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By Clutz - 25/10/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, after I had finished vacuuming, I ripped the cord out of the outlet and it hit me in the face cutting both my top and bottom lip. FML

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By KelseNM - 5/7/2020 14:02

Just No

Today, my future sister-in-law, who hasn’t even been engaged a week, informed everyone that the wedding is December 19, which is the due date of my first child. My brother won’t change the date and is making my family choose between his wedding or being at the hospital with me. FML

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By Alan - 2/9/2015 20:13 - Germany

Today, I agreed to stay a week with my wife's parents, who she told me were traditional Japanese. I was prepared for having to wear Japanese clothes while in the house, but I wasn't prepared for communal bathing in the same huge bath with her father, grandfather, uncle and two brothers. FML

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By Chimychunga - 1/8/2010 06:47 - United States

Today, while helping my dad look for his watch, I found his porn collection. FML

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By YoshiSqu4d - 22/5/2019 04:00

Today, my father told me I was becoming violent because of the video games I play. I was playing Minecraft. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2019 20:00

Today, my friend was extremely constipated when he used my toilet. I'm now having to go buy a new toothbrush, because he used mine to dig out his shit. FML

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By lucasbeck99 - 31/3/2015 09:35 - United States - Mabank

Today, I got in an argument with an ex-girlfriend who kept tactlessly bragging to me about her new boyfriend. I told her to read what she'd sent me, then pretend her boyfriend was telling her that. Fifteen minutes later, her boyfriend calls me, yelling for making her feel sad. FML

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By Sad nerd - 5/1/2013 17:09 - United Kingdom - Ringwood

Today, I got an offer to study at a good university. My father has been pushing me to apply for years, so I ecstatically broke the news. Instead of congratulating me, he just grunted and delivered the more important news that he's divorcing my mum. Moment ruined. FML

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By Username - 16/4/2011 08:39 - United States

Today, I went on my first official date I've been on since my divorce. Things were going great until he ordered his fourth 32oz beer; he got hammered and became a horny octopus. Oh, and he farted whiled trying to give me a goodnight kiss. FML

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By meowtickmeow - 12/3/2010 01:18 - United States

Today, I had a strong feeling that someone was watching me as I was undressing to get ready for bed. I conspicuously moved to the door and threw it open to find my step-brother clearly spying on me. We are the same age, live in the same house three weeks a month and in the same English class. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2010 19:02 - Chile

Today, I gave my boss the paperwork to approve my commissions for the month. She wouldn't sign it, saying, "Maybe I'm crazy, but I feel that I've signed this before." She hasn't. I have no commission, and my boss is crazy. FML

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By Lisa - 19/9/2011 02:07 - United States

Today, after being dumped by my boyfriend of two years, I poured my heart out to my dad. He nodded and looked sympathetic throughout. Afterwards, I asked him what I should do. He replied, "How the hell should I know?" and awkwardly left my room. FML

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By burning balls of fuck this - 25/2/2013 22:30 - United States - Oakton

Today, I locked my keys in my truck. The good news is that I have a spare set in my house. The bad news is that my house key is on the same keyring as my locked-in truck key. FML

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By turning red - 27/7/2013 01:14 - United States

Today, my phone went off, reminding me to take my birth control. Instead of vibrating as per usual, it rang. The ringtone had been changed to my boyfriend singing "It's birth control time, birth control time, take your pill, or I'll say it ain't mine." I was sitting in a quiet waiting room. FML

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By whatswrongwithit?:( - 30/9/2012 19:37 - United States - Chicago

Today, as my girlfriend and I were making out, I slowly took my clothes off and revealed my body to her for the first time. She looked, smiled, and said reassuringly, "Aww, don't worry. I know how it's supposed to look." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2019 08:00 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I'm so sick, I'm even sick in my dreams. Orientation for my new job starts tomorrow. FML

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By tLee - 19/7/2011 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was laying in bed making out with a girl. After trying to figure out for a while why she was spending so much time on my neck it finally hit me. She was frantically and secretly trying to remove the gum she got stuck in my hair. She failed. FML

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By why lie - 4/6/2020 20:00

Age ain't nothing but a number

Today, my boyfriend renewed his driver's license and showed me the picture. I told him he needed to go back because they'd put the wrong birthdate. Turns out the idiot forgot he’s been lying to me about his age the whole time we’ve been together. He’s not actually 30. He’ll be 43 in two months. FML

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By scribbles1475 - 15/12/2011 05:00 - United States

Today, after trying to find the perfect picture for the guy I have a huge crush on, I finally found one and sent it to him. His return picture? Himself in a Batman mask and sombrero. FML

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By coeurdlucky - 19/10/2010 05:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to see his 72-year-old mom who just had minor surgery on her abdomen. When we asked how she was healing, she lifted up her nightgown to show us a bruise near her belly button. She wasn't wearing any underwear. FML

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Top comments

By JtotheZ | 0

#1190192 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:39

I did the same thing with my grandmas parrot but I thought it Spanish bad words. ;P she doesn't know Spanish.

By ChocolateEclaire | 0

#1190206 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:42

Put a blanket on its cage so it sleeps and won't cuss. Make sure the kids don't get in that room though...

COMMENTS

By candyman360 | 0

#1190173 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:36

First!

JuliaM1000 | 10

#1190258 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:52

WIN!!!!!

theFMLwhore5 | 0

#1190264 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:53

omfg yes. you have a best fucking friend! it's amazing :D

Freeze_fml | 16

#1190274 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:56

^ I think I'm reading that incorrectly...

...

robertdr | 0

#1190290 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:59

i am sensitive i like commitment and changing myself

TibbysMusic | 1

#1190317 - Thursday 5 August 2010 1:12

BEST best friend ever!!

Oh and for the kid problem just send the bird to your room for the time, or your best friends house(:

LiveThenDie | 2

#1190334 - Thursday 5 August 2010 1:15

29 you don't seem to realize how loud birds can get or how demanding they can be...

quent10 | 0

#1190341 - Thursday 5 August 2010 1:17

awesome ! :D

BahBah_The_Sheep | 0

#1190348 - Thursday 5 August 2010 1:18

Anyone else think this person is absolutely stunning? (#23)

hobo_lowbo | 0

#1190403 - Thursday 5 August 2010 1:36

#34 your kitty looks pissed off

skroal | 7

#1190607 - Thursday 5 August 2010 2:19

YDI for returning from Holiday, and finding out your best friend taught your parrot dirty phrases for fun. You can't get it to shutup, and your niece and nephew are coming over soon.

isaiaha11 | 2

#1190772 - Thursday 5 August 2010 2:46

kill it

thorfinntheassri | 0

#1191129 - Thursday 5 August 2010 4:21

YDI for dividing by zero

cincin75 | 0

#1191215 - Thursday 5 August 2010 4:42

Easy solution: eat it. 

BahBah_The_Sheep | 0

#1191946 - Thursday 5 August 2010 5:07

Hehe, I put the kittie picture up to hint at a solution I have thought of. ;)

bamditzki | 0

#1192389 - Thursday 5 August 2010 7:28

lol why is this fml? its funny!

twinny_sc | 13

#1192430 - Thursday 5 August 2010 7:43

60, I don't get it.

number0 | 8

#1192686 - Thursday 5 August 2010 9:04

YDI for having friends

MyChemical_fml | 0

#1192692 - Thursday 5 August 2010 9:05

O.O... Three days grace? :D?

tweetbaby14 | 17

#1193045 - Thursday 5 August 2010 9:34

doesn't the whole thick blanket over the cage trick stupid birds into thinking it's night? if not just serve it as dinner. such simple solutions.

MnBran6 | 0

#1193250 - Thursday 5 August 2010 10:13

76, welcome to the Internet.

Emily9352 | 13

#1193521 - Thursday 5 August 2010 12:24

48, OH MY GOD shut the fuck up!!

Brittney_E | 0

#1195359 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:16

wouldve done the same :]

Austino713 | 0

#1202365 - Saturday 7 August 2010 6:23

Kill the bird like in Dumb and Dumber with Jim Carrey :P

jrp11 | 0

#1217234 - Tuesday 10 August 2010 12:24

By imaBaLIFEGUARD | 2

#1190175 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:37

haha second!

catalystics | 2

#1190214 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:43

don't worry kids these days learn bad words within 6 months of being born

Cjw1220 | 0

#1190242 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:49

OMG I got modded for saying 6th and you are still there? FML is really making me mad

Freeze_fml | 16

#1190250 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:50

Let me get a tiny violin for you.

lalagurl5 | 0

#1190261 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:53

ikr the support team made me mad too! and OP just tell it to shut to the up or u will starve him

By kenshinjapan | 2

#1190179 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:37

third!

ALindsey | 0

#1191068 - Thursday 5 August 2010 3:57

Hahaha that is amazing =D FYL

By yarbles | 3

#1190187 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:39

just kill the bird

That_Guy_Jake_JR | 0

#1190204 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:41

Agree with 4 you're gonna have to kill it.

AninOnin | 24

#5473840 - Wednesday 1 May 2013 17:02

Put it in the fridge.

By JtotheZ | 0

#1190192 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:39

I did the same thing with my grandmas parrot but I thought it Spanish bad words. ;P she doesn't know Spanish.

Hosea11 | 0

#2605689 - Thursday 2 June 2011 16:02

Learn to spell.

By Cjw1220 | 0

#1190197 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:40

6th is better than 1st

Cjw1220 | 0

#1190217 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:43

Moderated In 2 minutes, a new record

By ChocolateEclaire | 0

#1190206 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:42

Put a blanket on its cage so it sleeps and won't cuss. Make sure the kids don't get in that room though...

By ohhmyjeez | 0

#1190211 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:43

I love your best friend.

By Freeze_fml | 16

#1190219 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:43

Are you sure your friend taught the parrot those words? Could have overheard what was going on in the house.

Middrslife | 0

#1192399 - Thursday 5 August 2010 7:30

One facial expression needed: :D

By Foxracingluver | 0

#1190221 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:44

it's simple: shoot the bird