Intimacy: Today, when I returned from holiday, I discovered my best friend...

By stuckonrepeat - 04/08/2010 20:17 - Ireland

Today, when I returned from holiday, I discovered my best friend taught my parrot dirty phrases for fun. I can't get her to shut up and my little niece and nephew are coming over in three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 558

You deserved it 4 651

Intimacy

You tried

Our house, in the middle of our street

Weird reasoning

By lastinclass - 13/07/2016 21:28 - Canada - Vancouver

Today at camp, we were choosing teams for capture the flag. It's embarrassing to be chosen last, but today I learnt it's even more embarrassing to not be chosen at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 139

You deserved it 1 038

By Unappreciated Grandchild - 06/11/2012 07:59 - United States - Bel Air

Today, I looked over to see my grandfather looking thoughtfully at me. Feeling flattered because he rarely shows affection, I waved at him. He then said, "I was looking out the window" and continued to stare past my head out of the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 810

You deserved it 2 116

By Amey - 04/05/2009 09:09 - United States

Today, while watching TV, I danced, sang along, and helped Dora the Explorer get to her Grandmother's house. It was the most fun I've had all year. I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 269

You deserved it 29 331

By tacoboy - 21/08/2009 08:06 - United States

Today, I was on a date with a girl I've had feelings for since I was 14 (I'm 22). I took her out to dinner, then to a movie that we both liked and had a few drinks afterwards. I thought it was going really well until I was driving her home and she asked to be dropped off at her boyfriend's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 109

You deserved it 6 551

By wideeyeddays - 02/02/2016 20:05 - United States - Pasadena

Today, my dad thought it was a great idea to text me and say he decided to put our dog down. I was in the middle of class and still had hours left at school. It's not fun to walk across campus holding back tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 429

You deserved it 1 623

By B-377 - 23/10/2018 11:30 - United States - Sarver

Today, I was walking around my block when a random stranger pulled up next to me. He assumed I was a woman, and started catcalling me. I'm a 34-year-old man with a wife and kids, and my hair isn't even long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 918

You deserved it 228

By Anonymous - 26/11/2014 19:41 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I agreed to give my husband head while he played Call of Duty. I was happy because he enjoyed it at first, until he started getting his ass kicked in the game. He lost and angrily blamed me for distracting him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 945

You deserved it 6 750

Workaholic

By Anonymous - 30/07/2020 17:01

Today, after finally finding the one after so many heartbreaks, he’s leaving me because things are actually too good. He says having me around distracts him too much from work, and spends too much time with me instead of working weekends on top of working all week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 921

You deserved it 130

Fair Warning

By TheNoseKnows - 16/02/2017 14:00 - United States - Bronx

Today, while sitting in a bar, I offered to buy the drunk chick sitting next to me a drink. She was a lot more inebriated than I thought, because she looked at me with bloodshot eyes and cheerfully responded, "There's a rotten smell in my vagina!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 710

You deserved it 2 483

By jordanss - 11/11/2010 18:02 - United States

Today, my apartment building shut off our water for a short period of time because the pipes were being worked on. It was also the morning my dog had diarrhea on my cream carpet. Not only did I have to clean it up without water, I couldn't wash my hands afterward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 085

You deserved it 3 442

By uselessdad - 07/09/2010 23:48 - Singapore

Today, I came home to my wife crying. She had mixed up our newborn twin girls and couldn't tell which was which. I looked at the girls. Neither could I. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 954

You deserved it 8 496

By ayw329 - 31/01/2009 13:51 - United States

Today, I have been reading FML for 12 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 290

You deserved it 17 009

By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, my friend found a picture of herself on a website filled with pictures of thin people. I was in the picture, also. I was crossed-out with the word, "EWW" written next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 079

You deserved it 4 308

By Anonymous - 31/07/2014 17:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my cat tried to jump up to the window, and missed. This would have been hilarious if I had not been sleeping under that same window, and then caught him with my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 592

You deserved it 4 776

By jzone32 - 14/10/2009 05:45 - Canada

Today, I had my first job interview in years. While I was waiting for the manager to come out I realized I had forgotten the resume that I had printed out the night before, since he specifically asked me to bring one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 298

You deserved it 28 204

Onan would be proud

By concernedcousin - 05/10/2019 12:00

Today, my little twelve year-old cousin who is staying with us for a while so his parents can "work out issues" ran into my room, his face ghostly white. He begged me to take him to the hospital because he "tugged" on his penis too much in the shower, and was "bleeding milky stuff." Sigh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 459

You deserved it 144

By Canali18 - 17/09/2016 14:45 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after working a 24-hour shift I was finally able to get some sleep. Not even an hour after falling asleep, I was woken up by my drunk husband humping my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 300

You deserved it 1 098

By breyn - 18/02/2015 19:48 - United States

Today, while working at my salon, I was cutting an older gentleman's hair. When he got up to leave, everyone noticed he had clearly pissed his pants. I felt bad for him until he laughed and said, "Here's your tip, have fun cleaning that up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 478

You deserved it 2 419

By weliveanddie14 - 07/05/2009 20:27 - United States

Today, I was at the library. I went near the computer section when I saw this man cursing and pounding his fists on a computer. He left. I thought I'd check it out. As I sat down, a librarian came over with the security guard and pointed at me. I'm now being fined for destroying public property. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 784

You deserved it 15 619

By lolilovemyboyfriend - 19/10/2011 14:37 - United States

Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 824

You deserved it 18 497

By Anonymous - 19/03/2009 02:57 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 158

You deserved it 19 206

By ahddib - 14/10/2010 02:13 - United States

Today, I started making love to my wife as soon as the kids were occupied. She just laid there the whole time and never responded, except for a few times to say "Ouch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 088

You deserved it 10 275

By mathesonn - 29/05/2014 23:32 - United States - Auburn

Today, out of habit from twelve years of karate classes, I bowed to my teacher as I exited my classroom. My chemistry classroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 517

You deserved it 7 252

Addams Family Values

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 07:56 - Germany - Zittau

Today, I heard my mom say to the dogs, "Are you hungry? Do you want something tasty out of the garbage can?" Don’t worry though, she probably only meant the one in our garden, where she keeps the deer heads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 677

You deserved it 72

By Doy - 19/12/2011 06:31 - Canada

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't know what I was going to do over the Christmas holidays since he was going to be out of the country. He suggested that I work out and do some sit-ups. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 466

You deserved it 8 529

By notpayedenoughforthisshit - 21/07/2014 21:15 - United States - Boone

Today, for the third time this week, I had to clean up after someone who pissed themselves in the beer aisle at the grocery store where I work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 656

You deserved it 3 422

By Anonymous - 25/08/2012 03:31 - United States - Tucson

Today, I was at a job interview. The interviewer spoke to me for a few minutes, then said she would be right back, and left. I was left alone in a room for an hour and a half believing that it was a patience test. They closed the store for the day, leaving me in the interview room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 086

You deserved it 2 505

By Anonymous - 11/01/2014 18:52 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, and every other night since my new neighbors moved in two weeks ago, their cat has been standing outside my house meowing constantly up at my window, where my cat keeps standing and meowing back. It's like a feline version of Romeo and Juliet, and I can't sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 177

You deserved it 5 475

By apologetic - 09/06/2014 14:27 - United States - Latonia

Today, I got yelled at by a customer while working at a bank call center. He was furious I apologized for a mistake that someone else had made. I again apologized for apologizing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 829

You deserved it 4 941

By BbyDelight - 27/04/2009 03:39 - Canada

Today, it was my mom's birthday. I decided to get her a Willow Tree statue of a woman fairy holding a heart. After dinner, I presented my gift. My mother asked me how much it was. I replied, $30. She threw me a dirty look, shoved the present in my direction, and told me to return it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 731

You deserved it 8 612

By samantha - 17/08/2019 06:02 - United States

Today, I found out that after using several types of birth control, and being paranoid about pregnancy, I've been infertile for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 935

You deserved it 177

Badass

By I’m stressed - 22/12/2020 08:02 - United States - San Jose

Today, someone tried to open the stall I was in, and I instinctively screamed. I was yelled at and called, "incredibly rude and disrespectful." The lady then waited for me to come out so she could, "kick my ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks 847

You deserved it 71

By scammed - 18/12/2011 05:18 - Canada

Today, I caught my mother attempting to write a $1400 cheque. To whom? The proprietor of a "Christian charity fund" with whom she had been having Internet conversations. The proprietor's name, and that on the cheque, was "Herp McDerpington". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 836

You deserved it 2 858

By Anonymous - 24/12/2011 21:50 - United States

Today, my husband left his laptop logged in to a chat site after leaving for work. Curious, I read some of the logs, and discovered he has been posing as a woman and holding filthy conversations with "hot teen lesbians" for the past several months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 255

You deserved it 6 259

By Mike - 25/04/2011 21:39

Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 677

You deserved it 6 379

By Anonymous - 19/07/2014 17:39 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, I was at the local grocery store. I've had really bad gas lately, and I accidentally let one go while standing in line. The woman behind me thought it was her kid, and smacked him for farting in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 523

You deserved it 41 743

By Austin - 17/06/2016 05:57 - United States - Rancho Cordova

Today, I fell down the stairs of my apartment building because I thought my cat was a ghost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 580

You deserved it 3 981

By TooShort - 03/05/2009 14:06 - United States

Today, I walked into a restaurant with my parents to celebrate my Mom's birthday. They immediately got a kid's menu and crayons out for me. I'm 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 311

You deserved it 8 598

By poserpilot - 12/11/2012 15:10 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking to find that while I was passed out someone stole my prosthetic leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 437

You deserved it 6 632

By Anonymous - 14/11/2009 07:27 - Canada

Today, my band played for our school. We were cheered for and everything. Being the lead singer I tried to look cool and push the mic away and pull it back by pushing down the bottom of the stand with my foot. It hit my face and I bled like crazy but I kept singing. No one clapped at the end. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 101

You deserved it 38 887

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Top comments

JtotheZ 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:39

I did the same thing with my grandmas parrot but I thought it Spanish bad words. ;P she doesn't know Spanish.

ChocolateEclaire 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:42

Put a blanket on its cage so it sleeps and won't cuss. Make sure the kids don't get in that room though...

candyman360 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:36

First!

JuliaM1000 10

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:52

WIN!!!!!

theFMLwhore5 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:53

omfg yes. you have a best fucking friend! it's amazing :D

Freeze_fml 16

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:56

^ I think I'm reading that incorrectly... ...

robertdr 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:59

i am sensitive i like commitment and changing myself

TibbysMusic 1

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Thursday 5 August 2010 1:12

BEST best friend ever!! Oh and for the kid problem just send the bird to your room for the time, or your best friends house(:

LiveThenDie 2

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Thursday 5 August 2010 1:15

29 you don't seem to realize how loud birds can get or how demanding they can be...

quent10 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 1:17

awesome ! :D

BahBah_The_Sheep 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 1:18

Anyone else think this person is absolutely stunning? (#23)

hobo_lowbo 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 1:36

#34 your kitty looks pissed off

skroal 7

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Thursday 5 August 2010 2:19

YDI for returning from Holiday, and finding out your best friend taught your parrot dirty phrases for fun. You can't get it to shutup, and your niece and nephew are coming over soon.

isaiaha11 2

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Thursday 5 August 2010 2:46

kill it

thorfinntheassri 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 4:21

YDI for dividing by zero

cincin75 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 4:42

Easy solution: eat it. 

BahBah_The_Sheep 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 5:07

Hehe, I put the kittie picture up to hint at a solution I have thought of. ;)

bamditzki 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 7:28

lol why is this fml? its funny!

twinny_sc 13

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Thursday 5 August 2010 7:43

60, I don't get it.

number0 8

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Thursday 5 August 2010 9:04

YDI for having friends

MyChemical_fml 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 9:05

O.O... Three days grace? :D?

tweetbaby14 18

Thursday 5 August 2010 9:34

doesn't the whole thick blanket over the cage trick stupid birds into thinking it's night? if not just serve it as dinner. such simple solutions.

MnBran6 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 10:13

76, welcome to the Internet.

Emily9352 13

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Thursday 5 August 2010 12:24

48, OH MY GOD shut the fuck up!!

Brittney_E 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 23:16

wouldve done the same :]

Austino713 0

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Saturday 7 August 2010 6:23

Kill the bird like in Dumb and Dumber with Jim Carrey :P

jrp11 0

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Tuesday 10 August 2010 12:24

imaBaLIFEGUARD 2

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:37

haha second!

catalystics 2

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:43

don't worry kids these days learn bad words within 6 months of being born

Cjw1220 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:49

OMG I got modded for saying 6th and you are still there? FML is really making me mad

Freeze_fml 16

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:50

Let me get a tiny violin for you.

lalagurl5 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:53

ikr the support team made me mad too! and OP just tell it to shut to the up or u will starve him

kenshinjapan 2

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:37

third!

ALindsey 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 3:57

Hahaha that is amazing =D FYL

yarbles 3

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:39

just kill the bird

That_Guy_Jake_JR 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:41

Agree with 4 you're gonna have to kill it.

AninOnin 24

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Wednesday 1 May 2013 17:02

Put it in the fridge.

JtotheZ 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:39

I did the same thing with my grandmas parrot but I thought it Spanish bad words. ;P she doesn't know Spanish.

Hosea11 0

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Thursday 2 June 2011 16:02

Learn to spell.

Cjw1220 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:40

6th is better than 1st

Cjw1220 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:43

Moderated In 2 minutes, a new record

ChocolateEclaire 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:42

Put a blanket on its cage so it sleeps and won't cuss. Make sure the kids don't get in that room though...

ohhmyjeez 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:43

I love your best friend.

Freeze_fml 16

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:43

Are you sure your friend taught the parrot those words? Could have overheard what was going on in the house.

Middrslife 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 7:30

One facial expression needed: :D

Foxracingluver 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:44

it's simple: shoot the bird

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 5

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49

You deserved it 12

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 1 314

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 812

You deserved it 181

Workaholic

Fair Warning

Onan would be proud

Addams Family Values

Badass

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