Today, when I returned from holiday, I discovered my best friend...

By stuckonrepeat - Ireland

Today, when I returned from holiday, I discovered my best friend taught my parrot dirty phrases for fun. I can't get her to shut up and my little niece and nephew are coming over in three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32515

You deserved it

4645

Favorite

Intimacy

Understandable

Gentle

The road to hell…

By kate - United States

Today, I was eating at Applebees at a high table with bar stools. I was reaching over to get some gum out of mom's purse when my chair flipped out from under me and my soda fell on top of me and got in my ear. To make things worse, the waiter ran over and shouted "I give that one a 10!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

48705

You deserved it

8523

Favorite

By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I woke up late. My grandparents had slept over the night before but they usually left early. I heard someone in the kitchen and thinking it was my brother, I said "Thank god, the geriatric crew is FINALLY gone." My grandma responds, "No we're not." FML

I agree, your life sucks

8450

You deserved it

73855

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandma is refusing to talk to me because I didn't answer her phone calls while we were at a parade. I was in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29747

You deserved it

2052

Favorite

By great - United States - Porter

Today, the girl I've been seeing for just over a week casually let me know that she'll slash her wrists if I ever leave her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37967

You deserved it

3349

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my boss yelled at me for leaving on time. After months of management hounding us about our overtime, I get in trouble for doing what I was supposed to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8806

You deserved it

512

Favorite

By Username - United States

Today, I found out that when my room-mate agreed to babysit someone's two year old kid for money, what he really planned on doing was dumping it with me. The kid won't stop crying and screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32171

You deserved it

3911

Favorite

By disappointed - United States - Rockville

Today, my eldest daughter told me about the sharp pains she's been having for the past couple of days. She also told me how she thinks it's really pointy carrots trying to escape her body. She's 11, and going to middle school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11946

You deserved it

1444

Favorite

By dazzla08 - United States

Fundies say the darndest things

Today, my husband told me doesn't really love me. He only married me because we had a daughter, and his grandmother told him he had to so she wouldn't be "an abomination to God." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1671

You deserved it

156

Favorite

By wtf bro - Australia - Canberra

Today, my brother babysat for me. He invited his girlfriend around without me knowing, and they were all playing hide and seek together. While he and his girl were hiding, they decided to have a quickie. My three year old found them and saw everything. She won't stop copying their sex noises. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40963

You deserved it

3597

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 01:00

Fast and Furious

Today, my girlfriend were having sex. When I finished, she whispered in my ear, "30 seconds." FML

I agree, your life sucks

799

You deserved it

1573

Favorite

By PrayingForMoney - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was at my job, waiting tables. A fellow server and myself were given a party of 14 Bible thumpers. They left us $9.00 and a mini Bible after awesome service, telling us we did a great job. Unfortunately, Religion doesn't pay my car payment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38580

You deserved it

6430

Favorite

By Burp - United States

Today, I traveled by plane for the first time. Once in the air, I was absolutely terrorized by the whole experience. Luckily, they had free booze on board, so I necked some to steady my nerves. Unfortunately, the vodka mixed with air turbulence made me spurt some vomit into my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10423

You deserved it

24815

Favorite

By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, I was babysitting a 7 year-old brat. He refused to eat his vegetables, so I forbade him from playing until they were finished. He stomped off upstairs, so I let him cool off for a couple of minutes. When I went upstairs, he had taken scissors to all of his mother's clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32472

You deserved it

4376

Favorite

By maarkblack - United States

Today, I awoke from a dream that I'd found an Arco gas station that had regular gas for $3.38. I actually went looking for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42156

You deserved it

10786

Favorite

By PlzSendBlankets - United States

Today, marks three days since I was supposed to follow the moving truck to my new home. Instead, I got super sick and my dad drove away without me. I've been laying on a dog cushion the entire weekend because my bed is 500 miles away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12704

You deserved it

899

Favorite

By rufusthepenis - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky. She got my cock out, stopped, and told me it looked like "Rufus the naked mole rat." She spent the next 20 minutes showing me pictures, describing in detail why they looked similar, and laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38955

You deserved it

4799

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was texting this guy i've liked for a really long time, because of how nice and sentimental he is. We were sending each other things like "You make me smile" and "You're so damn cute" when finally he said "Let's just stop texting and hook up already." So much for sentimental. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14385

You deserved it

42687

Favorite

By jkim - United States - San Diego

Today, my husband injured his back badly. He's taken three percocets, because according to him, he knows the dosage better than his doctor, and is demanding that I let him drive himself to work, with no pants on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43669

You deserved it

3930

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, a creepy old guy kept hitting on me in line at Subway. I got scared and told him to back off because my dad was waiting for me outside. He replied that he wouldn't object to a three-way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37811

You deserved it

2717

Favorite

By sucks - United States

Today, I decided to tell my mom about my choice to wait to have sex until after marriage. Coming from a very christian family I thought she would be proud. Instead she laughed and said, "is that your excuse for not being able to get laid?" and walked out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

294423

You deserved it

53848

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was checking out my boyfriend's facebook profile. I saw that he had just taken the "How long will it take for your girldriend to realize you're cheating on her?" Quiz. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55240

You deserved it

5752

Favorite

By Nursr187

Today, my wife asked me to back up all the photos and videos from our desktop computer so I synced it with my Google account. Every graphic picture and video my wife and I have ever exchanged was sent to all 3 of our children's tablets. My daughter cried all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3003

You deserved it

5933

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I hit a new low in my diet. There was a danish sitting on the table in the break room at work, and I wanted it. At the end of day, one of the guys threw it into the dumpster. Guess who just ate a dumpster danish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2440

You deserved it

5398

Favorite

By spit saliva spit

Today, I drooled on myself during a job interview and was immediately dismissed. This isn’t the first time it’s happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1328

You deserved it

511

Favorite

By TheJoker - United States

Today, I was jogging in my neighborhood when I saw a kid's ball roll over to where I was jogging. I stopped grabbed the ball for the kid and started to hand it to him. He then yelled "Stranger Danger" and his parents came sprinting out. I had to explain the story to the police for 30mins. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62528

You deserved it

3175

Favorite

By matou - France - Caluire

Today, I was late for work, so I grabbed my handbag, my sports bag and ran out. The bus arrived at the stop just as I did, so I hopped on and sat down, trying to catch my breath. I dumped my bags onto my knees and looked down to see my cat, staring back at me from inside my sports bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32266

You deserved it

3621

Favorite

By Just_do_it_17 - United States

Today, after being out of the closet for over three years, I learned that some of my friends still don't believe me that I am really a lesbian. They still think I made the whole thing up because I can't get a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40890

You deserved it

8041

Favorite

By misTreated - United States

Today, I was spelling T-R-E-A-T to my fiancé so that the dog wouldn't understand what I was talking about. Turns out, neither could my fiancé. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32880

You deserved it

5533

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Darwin

Today, I woke up in the shower at my coworker's house, with my clothes on and soaking wet. Apparently, the night before I drank too much and punched my best friend. The sad part is, I passed out on the couch, but somehow ended up in the shower, facing the wrong way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

542

You deserved it

1729

Favorite

By AloneForChristmas

Today... I live in dorms and found out everyone is leaving for Christmas break. I also found out my student loan didn't go through so now I cant afford to go visit my family that lives over 7hrs away. I guess I'll be spending Christmas alone in a dorm room... FML

I agree, your life sucks

2638

You deserved it

208

Favorite

By Anonymous - Philippines - Philippine

Today, while entering in my college building, I noticed that my right shoelace was untied and I tied it. I didn't realize that just in front of me was a metal beam until I hit my head hard on it and a loud, reverberating sound was produced. Many people saw what happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19537

You deserved it

2778

Favorite

By Sherry - United States - Middletown

Today, my brother had a party with over 60 people in my basement. It turns out that five different couples had sex under the same comforter. The comforter was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36872

You deserved it

3159

Favorite

By FirstWeekFail

Today, I was bitching to my mom on the phone about the long, boring paper assignment my Lit professor gave us. Right after saying "that woman needs to get laid" I heard hysterical laughing behind me. I turned. Hello professor, just on my way to drop the course. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1216

You deserved it

2926

Favorite

By SingleAgain - United States - Saukville

Today, I discovered that I have been falsely accusing my sister of stealing my makeup. How do I know this? Because I found said makeup in the trunk of my boyfriend's car, next to a bag that had fishnet tights and red stilettos in it. Oh, and the stilettos are his size, in case you were wondering. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34823

You deserved it

3074

Favorite

By embarrassed

Today, I auditioned for a part in a play. I've been practicing for months, and was very excited. After I finished singing, the director whispered something to the other judges, and they all laughed. Hard. So much for the lead role. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25690

You deserved it

3411

Favorite

By fuundmental/// - Australia

Today, I was looking in my grandparents' drawers and cupboards to find a blanket, but instead found a stash of sex toys, and a male G-string with a horse on the front. The best bit? When you press the horse's nose, it neighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43518

You deserved it

9924

Favorite

By Jer - United States

Today, my oldest son answered my phone call much to my surprise as we haven't spoken in a year. The first words out of his mouth were, "I didn't mean to pick up the phone." He then hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38315

You deserved it

8908

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I was complaining to my friend how I was doing all the work in my group, and that they were getting all the credit. Her response? "It's OK, you're doing a shitty job anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1558

You deserved it

232

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going home with the tomato plant I just bought in my cup holder. The smell of it was filling the car and I love the smell so I picked it up and took a wiff. A few moments later I got pulled over. Apparantly, the cop saw me sniff it and thought I was smelling a marijuana plant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51322

You deserved it

8373

Favorite

By ZAS - Canada

Today, at the daycare center that I volunteer at, a 5 year old boy asked me "What do you do when you really want something?". I told him to try his best to get it and give it his best. He ended up stealing from the donation box and when he was caught he said that I told him to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54523

You deserved it

6223

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By JtotheZ | 0

#1190192 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:39

I did the same thing with my grandmas parrot but I thought it Spanish bad words. ;P she doesn't know Spanish.

By ChocolateEclaire | 0

#1190206 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:42

Put a blanket on its cage so it sleeps and won't cuss. Make sure the kids don't get in that room though...

COMMENTS

By candyman360 | 0

#1190173 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:36

First!

JuliaM1000 | 10

#1190258 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:52

WIN!!!!!

theFMLwhore5 | 0

#1190264 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:53

omfg yes. you have a best fucking friend! it's amazing :D

Freeze_fml | 16

#1190274 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:56

^ I think I'm reading that incorrectly...

...

robertdr | 0

#1190290 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:59

i am sensitive i like commitment and changing myself

TibbysMusic | 1

#1190317 - Thursday 5 August 2010 1:12

BEST best friend ever!!

Oh and for the kid problem just send the bird to your room for the time, or your best friends house(:

LiveThenDie | 2

#1190334 - Thursday 5 August 2010 1:15

29 you don't seem to realize how loud birds can get or how demanding they can be...

quent10 | 0

#1190341 - Thursday 5 August 2010 1:17

awesome ! :D

BahBah_The_Sheep | 0

#1190348 - Thursday 5 August 2010 1:18

Anyone else think this person is absolutely stunning? (#23)

hobo_lowbo | 0

#1190403 - Thursday 5 August 2010 1:36

#34 your kitty looks pissed off

skroal | 7

#1190607 - Thursday 5 August 2010 2:19

YDI for returning from Holiday, and finding out your best friend taught your parrot dirty phrases for fun. You can't get it to shutup, and your niece and nephew are coming over soon.

isaiaha11 | 2

#1190772 - Thursday 5 August 2010 2:46

kill it

thorfinntheassri | 0

#1191129 - Thursday 5 August 2010 4:21

YDI for dividing by zero

cincin75 | 0

#1191215 - Thursday 5 August 2010 4:42

Easy solution: eat it. 

BahBah_The_Sheep | 0

#1191946 - Thursday 5 August 2010 5:07

Hehe, I put the kittie picture up to hint at a solution I have thought of. ;)

bamditzki | 0

#1192389 - Thursday 5 August 2010 7:28

lol why is this fml? its funny!

twinny_sc | 13

#1192430 - Thursday 5 August 2010 7:43

60, I don't get it.

number0 | 8

#1192686 - Thursday 5 August 2010 9:04

YDI for having friends

MyChemical_fml | 0

#1192692 - Thursday 5 August 2010 9:05

O.O... Three days grace? :D?

tweetbaby14 | 17

#1193045 - Thursday 5 August 2010 9:34

doesn't the whole thick blanket over the cage trick stupid birds into thinking it's night? if not just serve it as dinner. such simple solutions.

MnBran6 | 0

#1193250 - Thursday 5 August 2010 10:13

76, welcome to the Internet.

Emily9352 | 13

#1193521 - Thursday 5 August 2010 12:24

48, OH MY GOD shut the fuck up!!

Brittney_E | 0

#1195359 - Thursday 5 August 2010 23:16

wouldve done the same :]

Austino713 | 0

#1202365 - Saturday 7 August 2010 6:23

Kill the bird like in Dumb and Dumber with Jim Carrey :P

jrp11 | 0

#1217234 - Tuesday 10 August 2010 12:24

By imaBaLIFEGUARD | 2

#1190175 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:37

haha second!

catalystics | 2

#1190214 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:43

don't worry kids these days learn bad words within 6 months of being born

Cjw1220 | 0

#1190242 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:49

OMG I got modded for saying 6th and you are still there? FML is really making me mad

Freeze_fml | 16

#1190250 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:50

Let me get a tiny violin for you.

lalagurl5 | 0

#1190261 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:53

ikr the support team made me mad too! and OP just tell it to shut to the up or u will starve him

By kenshinjapan | 2

#1190179 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:37

third!

ALindsey | 0

#1191068 - Thursday 5 August 2010 3:57

Hahaha that is amazing =D FYL

By yarbles | 3

#1190187 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:39

just kill the bird

That_Guy_Jake_JR | 0

#1190204 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:41

Agree with 4 you're gonna have to kill it.

AninOnin | 24

#5473840 - Wednesday 1 May 2013 17:02

Put it in the fridge.

By JtotheZ | 0

#1190192 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:39

I did the same thing with my grandmas parrot but I thought it Spanish bad words. ;P she doesn't know Spanish.

Hosea11 | 0

#2605689 - Thursday 2 June 2011 16:02

Learn to spell.

By Cjw1220 | 0

#1190197 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:40

6th is better than 1st

Cjw1220 | 0

#1190217 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:43

Moderated In 2 minutes, a new record

By ChocolateEclaire | 0

#1190206 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:42

Put a blanket on its cage so it sleeps and won't cuss. Make sure the kids don't get in that room though...

By ohhmyjeez | 0

#1190211 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:43

I love your best friend.

By Freeze_fml | 16

#1190219 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:43

Are you sure your friend taught the parrot those words? Could have overheard what was going on in the house.

Middrslife | 0

#1192399 - Thursday 5 August 2010 7:30

One facial expression needed: :D

By Foxracingluver | 0

#1190221 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:44

it's simple: shoot the bird