Kids: Today, I was playing with my kid cousin outside. It was warm,... - FML

By Chubs - 29/03/2009 12:32 - Norway

Today, I was playing with my kid cousin outside. It was warm, so I was wearing my new bikini, and felt pretty good about myself. She suddenly turns to me and asks: "How come your tits are so small when you have such a big belly?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 252

You deserved it 11 614

Mother of the year

Vulture

This Charming Man

By Claire - 29/09/2010 05:59 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I went to the beach with this boy I like. Not thinking it'd be anything more than a simple date, I didn't shave my downstairs. We were sitting on a towel and I laid down. Then he said, "Is there a squirrel in your pants?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 010

You deserved it 43 848

By satisfied88 - 02/06/2011 14:49

Spicy

Today, I had an orgasm for the first time in almost 3 months. My husband was beaming, saying he had given it his all and was ecstatic that he had finally satisfied me. But to be honest, I'd remembered we had a bag of potato chips in the kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 606

You deserved it 16 019

By cheated - 11/03/2010 12:50 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I found out my ex boyfriend who recently cheated on me and broke up with me for another girl, has herpes. Guess how I found out? FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 106

You deserved it 4 506

By Garcia2284 - 13/09/2018 13:00

Today, I asked a customer three times before he saw the doctor if he had any medical insurance and he replied "no" each time. Paying his bill out of pocket, this dude had the nerve to ask, "So why didn't my medical insurance cover this?" He had coverage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 890

You deserved it 139

By first time at McDonald's in months... - 27/03/2013 05:04 - United States

Today, I was at McDonald's. As I left the counter with the food, I heard the cashier mutter, "Fat ass." I turned around and demanded to see the manager. Once he came and heard the situation, he looked at me and said, "Well, it's not like he's wrong, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 158

You deserved it 19 286

By nutcracker - 23/02/2010 09:28 - Slovenia

Today, I tried to see if you can kick yourself in the nuts. You can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 172

You deserved it 68 219

By Schaf_12 - 16/06/2012 18:10 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I trimmed my beard. When I showed my wife, she said, "Yeah, but you still look like a serial killer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 880

You deserved it 5 142

Caught spunk-handed

By Anonymous - 28/07/2020 23:01

Spicy

Today, I was watching porn in the living room with the volume turned up, because I was under the impression that my family had already left for vacation. It turns out my cousin and his girlfriend were upstairs the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 626

You deserved it 2 034

By Anonymous - 14/11/2018 12:00

Today, I'm scared to leave my bedroom. During the night, what must have been a giant spider made a web 4 feet wide stretching from the lightbulb to the tv and then down to the desk corner. It's blocking my path to the door and I can't tell where the 8-legged bastard is hiding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 652

You deserved it 398

By ClothMom - 08/12/2009 07:02 - United States

Today, I was visited by Child Protective Services. Seems someone on my street reported me for neglect because I cloth diaper my children. I moved in less than 6 months ago, so I guess this is how they say, "welcome to the neighborhood" about these parts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 157

You deserved it 3 703

Gratitude walks

By Anonymous - 06/02/2021 16:01 - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Spicy

Today, my sister slept with my boyfriend while I was at work providing for the both of them as well as our child. I let her move in after our mother kicked her out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 445

You deserved it 129

Run Away

By dman92 - 09/04/2017 14:24

Today, while babysitting, the power went off. My little cousin pointed into the dark kitchen behind me and asked, "Who's that man standing there?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 689

You deserved it 374

Sleep tight

By Anonymous - 29/03/2021 21:30

Today, my depression caused me to sleep through my appointment to try and get more antidepressants. We love mental instability. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 97

Teenage Riot

By Anonymous - 30/05/2021 11:00

Today, my son had a screaming meltdown because I told him to clean his own room and that I refuse to be treated like his personal maid. He’s 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 341

I'm looking through you

By lesler - 20/07/2021 06:01 - Canada

Today, my bartender noticed my new haircut before my live-in boyfriend did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 831

You deserved it 171

By Anonymous - 20/10/2016 17:59 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, as usual, I got to my internship early, did everything my bosses asked. At the end of the day, I was fired after 3 weeks of working unpaid overtime because they found an applicant with more experience for the job I applied to and they wanted to cut costs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 862

You deserved it 701

By notyoueallie - 20/08/2010 04:06 - United States

Today, I got woken up by Hallelujah blasting outside my apartment windows for 30 minutes straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 414

You deserved it 3 807

Yada yada yada

By Anonymous - 05/09/2013 06:47 - United Kingdom - Warrington

Today, I finally got up the courage to talk to my four-year boyfriend about how insecure I've been feeling in our relationship recently, and how I needed his support while I try to get my self-esteem back on-track. He fell asleep mid-conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 015

You deserved it 5 257

This Charming Man

By Anonymous - 21/04/2021 14:00

Today, I explained to my man child of a boyfriend that we don't reuse dirty dishes. We have to wash them. He doesn't think it's gross and yelled at me, throwing the pan in the sink. Oh, he also refuses to wash dishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 184

You deserved it 465

By mypelvishurts - 23/02/2013 07:32 - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, my boss told me to go outside and take part in the company's stupid Harlem Shake video. When I declined, he threatened to fire me if I didn't take part. I ended up being the guy who had to furiously pelvic thrust before the music dropped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 098

You deserved it 6 610

By dogs_and_toucans - 08/06/2009 18:47 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 10 months moved to Europe and we may never see each other again, so I gave her a $200 sterling silver heart necklace as a goodbye present. She gave me a pack of gum. Cinnamon, which I'm allergic to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 507

You deserved it 6 768

By aere - 27/01/2009 12:24 - United States

Today, three girls introduced themselves to me. I had met all of them before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 071

You deserved it 2 822

By Anonymous - 27/02/2010 06:36 - United States

Today, I was babysitting to make a few extra dollars. While changing one of the kid's diapers, I turned around to find the other kid gone. I turned back around frantically, only to get poop flung at my face. I guess I found him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 527

You deserved it 3 156

By Anonymous - 27/05/2013 23:34 - United States - Brimfield

Today, I got to wash my ex-wife's dishes at her apartment while her new boyfriend played with my daughter in the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 941

You deserved it 12 787

By nooneatall - 15/01/2010 03:16 - France

Spicy

Today, I was doing a shit load of sit-ups on my mattress. After realizing the bed was squeaking, I heard my dad laughing very hard from the basement. He thought I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 895

You deserved it 20 116

By Justme - 05/06/2013 05:02 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I got the bill for the flowers my husband arranged to be delivered to me while he's out of town next week. I also got the bill for the flowers he's sending to the floozy he'll be seeing next week while he's out of town. The gift tag for it was: "I can't wait to see you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 559

You deserved it 3 846

By Anonymous - 04/06/2012 18:21 - United States - Hollandale

Today, I saw a text message on my husband's phone from a "Candice", asking him if he and his wife are still separated, followed by an invitation to spend the night. I never knew we were separated in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 319

You deserved it 2 580

By Anonymous - 26/07/2019 04:00

Today, I came out of my bedroom to find my mom doing yoga in my hallway. Naked. She doesn't seem to think there's any problem with this. It's my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 767

You deserved it 123

By sisco2901 - 22/01/2012 09:12 - Slovakia

Today, my recent ex-girlfriend posted a photo of herself on Facebook. It was a picture of herself in the arms of a half-naked male stripper. She posted it on my wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 275

You deserved it 5 281

By slut - 29/08/2011 16:22 - Canada

Today, I finally found out that the tattoo on my lower back means "slut" in Chinese, instead of "good fortune" as I always thought it did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 335

You deserved it 59 157

By subtweetqueen - 09/09/2016 04:18 - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, the 3-year-old I nanny wanted to prove to me that he was tall enough to pee standing up in front of the toilet. When he realized he actually was tall enough, he got excited and misdirected his stream, covering himself, his brother, and me in urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 433

You deserved it 1 209

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 05/06/2021 08:00

Spicy

Today, my mom walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex. Later, police turned up because mom thought she was underage. I had to desperately prove to some very angry officers that I met my girlfriend at university, and she’s almost a year older than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 049

You deserved it 137

By Anonymous - 09/02/2012 21:42 - United States

Today, while sitting on the toilet, I noticed there was no toilet paper left, so I dug through my purse to use my one and only pad as a substitute. It clogged the toilet, and I started my period ten minutes later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 945

You deserved it 19 810

By juvenile friends suck - 10/01/2013 20:52 - Germany - Tangstedt

Spicy

Today, I was in the elevator, when a big bearded guy stepped in, wearing a dress. It's not an uncommon sight where I live, but my friend cracked up and asked him if he was wearing underwear. He took it as a challenge, and I can safely say that no, he was not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 997

You deserved it 6 748

By TheStressComesFree - 31/07/2013 16:47 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was told that I have to apply to keep the job that I've held for the past two years. There are so many other applicants that it's basically a free-for-all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 184

You deserved it 3 339

By OMGWTF - 13/08/2009 02:01 - United States

Today, while biking home from work, a 12 mile trip, I was speeding down a long hill and my jean pant leg got caught in the chain. It ripped, and then the rest of my pant leg ripped off. I had to bike 10 more miles half naked along the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 070

You deserved it 6 126

By Anonymous - 22/09/2010 19:04 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I put an anonymous note under my neighbour's door asking them to not have sex so loudly during the day. Since then, I haven't heard any sex. Unfortunately, I have heard a woman crying loudly because she just found out about her husband's affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 399

You deserved it 10 736

Capitalism, baby!

By Anonymous - 10/02/2021 16:58 - United States

Today, it's day three of my dad not shutting up and still complaining about the Super Bowl commercials being "too woke". FML

I agree, your life sucks 698

You deserved it 182

By anonymous - 10/02/2010 20:59 - United States

Today, I went to the store and bought some cream to help with a sunburn I'd gotten a few days ago. What's worse than having red, peeling, and painful skin? An allergic reaction on top of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 995

You deserved it 2 740

By Anonymous - 21/07/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, I was at the airport to catch a plane. It was very crowded at the gate and there was nowhere to sit except for a flat metal bench, so I sat on that. Turns out I was sitting on a luggage scale, so my weight was displayed for everybody to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 227

You deserved it 46 886

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Sunday 29 March 2009 20:07

Your little cousin said 'tits'?

Nakedsquirrel 5

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Sunday 29 March 2009 20:08

Tell your cousin she's got the family genes and won't have any better.

Comments

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Sunday 29 March 2009 20:04

haha. that does suck though

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Monday 24 May 2010 18:23

Winfest.

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Tuesday 3 August 2010 21:05

aww damn killed your confidence

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Sunday 29 March 2009 20:05

Ahh owned lol.

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Sunday 29 March 2009 20:06

Kids say the darndest things. ;D Though if even a kid notices it, maybe you should do something about it?

greendaygirl999 5

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Thursday 18 March 2010 17:39

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Saturday 14 August 2010 17:20

woow. anyone who is confident enough to wear a bikini should wear one no matter what body shape she is. jerks who say ppl who are fat can't wear bikinis are jerks. if she's confident enough to wear it then wear it with pride no matter what people say.

Chocolate_Chunk 2

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Thursday 16 September 2010 8:21

actually, no. despite your brilliant "jerks are jerks" argument, they shouldn't for the same reason you shouldn't fart loudly in a crowded train or piss on other peoples shoes. It's fucking inconsiderate. Just because you're fat and like it that way doesn't mean anyone wants to see your wobbling belly.

M0rt 0

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Friday 12 August 2011 3:01

I bet most of the people who gave chocolate chunk comment a thumb down are fat

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 4:47

And who are you to tell them they cant? If they have the confidence for it, most likely, they won't care what you have to say about it.

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Sunday 4 May 2014 21:38

Obviously they do care what people think. Not only adults, but children also. Hence the FML

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Sunday 29 March 2009 20:07

Your little cousin said 'tits'?

Pocahontas22_fml 0

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Sunday 9 January 2011 10:59

I was thinking that too..

Nakedsquirrel 5

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Sunday 29 March 2009 20:08

Tell your cousin she's got the family genes and won't have any better.

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Sunday 29 March 2009 20:12

Kids have no self control yet, you shouldn't have been surprised.

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Sunday 29 March 2009 20:16

No, but seriously, you should get that fixed, girl. That's gross.

SadinSherman 16

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Friday 12 November 2010 16:13

The belly or the boobs?

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Sunday 21 October 2012 7:26

Just because you think every single person has to be 110 lbs or under doesn't mean you need to go around saying "OMG you're fat get it fixed"

pippysthename00 0

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Sunday 29 March 2009 20:18

#4, i was thinking the same thing... most little kids would say "boobies" or something.

pirates_go_yarrr 0

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Sunday 29 March 2009 20:21

I concur with #5.

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Sunday 29 March 2009 20:28

oh my god, noooooo...

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 813

You deserved it 109

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 203

You deserved it 291