Today, I was cuddling with the man I've been seeing, and he started caressing the mammoth of all pimples on my back. He continued fondling me while lecturing me on the dangers of skin cancer. FML
Today, while at work, a Beatles song came on the radio. I jokingly said, "These guys are pretty good, are they new?" Everyone thought I was being serious, and now they're convinced I'm an idiot. FML
Today, while at the park, my 3 year-old ran up to a lady, grabbed her chest and loudly asked, "Are these your breasts? Are they private on you too?" FML
Today, I was pulling a car out of the shop where I work, when I tried to go over a small snow bank to park it. What I didn't realize was the snow had turned into solid ice, and it broke the front bumper cover. It's going to cost $1000 to fix it and I also had to call the owner. FML
sacredsilence29 tells us more.
LOL. WoW. It's amazing how much peoples opinions change. Let's see to anwser a few remarks. No I didnt get fired, the car is getting fixed and paid for so the customer pays nothing, and when I told him he asked me to have them touch up all the other spots while they had the paint mixed. The snow bank was only a few inches so it wasnt like I was trying to drive up a mountain with an M5 and telling him that I did it was the respectful thing to do, thanks. That's part of my job is moving cars around and when it snows shit happens! That's what insurance is for....
Today, the quality of my sex life reached a new low. I faked my orgasm. And so did he. FML
Today, I was driving on the freeway in the back seat of my friends car. I looked over to the left and was greeted by a van full of adolescent boys waving and making the "call me" hand gesture. I then happened to looked down and realized that my right boob was completely out of my top. FML
Today, I found out my friend has been texting my long distance boyfriend more than I do. When I confronted her about it, she confessed that it was because they had been planning a surprise appearance for me. I've never been surprised before, and I ruined my own surprise. FML
Today, I realized my friends and I should be more careful what we say around my younger brother. I never thought he was paying attention until today. My stepmom told him it was time to go to bed. He responded, "I think it's time for you to suck one." My brother is 4. FML
Today, I had a sexy dream, woke up and started to masturbate quite vigorously. When I finished, I hopped off the top bunk naked to see my brother and his girlfriend laying in the bottom bunk. FML
Today, when I went to see my therapist, she handed me a tube of tooth paste and said, "Please use it". FML
gingerlover01 tells us more.
I love how politely that was put but I do brush my teeth I just drink to much coffee and tea apparently
Today, one of my cousins offered to sell me his mac for a low price. When I got it, I realized it was an old toshiba painted white with an apple sticker on it. My cousin still insists it's a mac. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed. Two hours later I get a text from my ex announcing he has just been diagnosed with chlamydia. I now have to explain this to my fiancé. FML
Today, it's the fourth day of my new diet. I told my friends and family to watch me every time I eat to make sure it's healthy. I got so desperate that I hid some chocolates in my pocket then scarfed them down while pooping. FML
Today, I was talking with my girlfriend. We both have family issues, so we'd agreed to open up to each other today. Turns out I'm dating my cousin. FML
meltingturtle tells us more.
OP here. Here's your follow up. My mom and her brother had a rocky relationship. She moved to the west coast some twenty years ago, and never talks about my uncle. I know of him, but never met him due to problems between them. I moved out of state for college, and met my girlfriend there. I'd only been told I had a cousin once, pretty much in passing. My gf and I were both talking, and she mentioned how her dad, named David, was bipolar and had several issues. I asked if she had any aunts or anything cause that sounded a hell of a lot like my estranged uncle my mom hardly talks about. She was all, 'yeah, but my dad never talks about her. Her name is Emily or something I think?' And I was like 'o shit that's my mom'. It was super awkward. I'd known my uncle had a daughter, and she knew her aunt had two. Thing is, I'm a trans boy who goes by a completely name, so we never really figured it out until now. Hope it makes more sense to y'all now.
Today, I took an IQ test and ended up scoring above average. Feeling good about myself, I decided to bake some cookies. After 30 minutes of them not doing anything in the oven, I realized I forgot to turn the oven on. FML
Today, I was working and a woman wanted to pay with a credit card. It already had a picture on the card so you don't have to ask for i.d., and just glancing at it. I asked, "Oh, is this your husband's card?" She then replied, "No, that's just me with glasses and short hair." FML
Today, driving some friends back from a party I said, "Did everyone see Lisa totally hanging off of Pat tonight?! It was hilarious!!". There was a long silence, then one of my friends said "...you know Lisa is in the car, right?" FML
Today, I found out what a bottle of regurgitated wine looks like on white bedsheets. FML
Today, I decided to pick up some breath mints. As I was checking out, the cashier informed me that if I was "planning on getting a girl to stay the night", I'd need the "stronger, more intense brand of mints". FML
Today, I played a table tennis final in public. After winning, I went to shake my opponent's hand. He doesn't react or move. It was only the first set. FML
Today, while sleeping over at my girlfriend's house for the first time, I got up to go to the bathroom. I went to go back and once in the room asked, "You ready for round two baby?" The light came on and at this moment I realized I went into her parents' bedroom by mistake. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. Driving her home, we got stuck in a construction zone. I waited half an hour with with my ex-girlfriend bawling her eyes out in the passenger seat as I watched the traffic lady eat her lunch. FML
Today, I used a tanning bed for the first time ever, in an attempt to get a base tan for the summer. No one bothered to warn me that you shouldn't go the full ten minutes your first time. Now my skin is as red as my hair. FML
Today, in the current company I'm employed by, I have a better chance at gambling my way to the top, as opposed to working my way up. FML
Today, three weeks after my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, she admitted it was a lie. Turned out it was just a test to see if I'd break up with her or not. I didn't, but I did just break the bank buying all the things we'd need for an actual kid. FML
Today, I gave myself paper cuts on the sides of my mouth while licking the cover of a pudding cup. FML
scarletscarface tells us more.
Today, a girl I like asked me to a concert, saying she had an extra ticket. I ended up being the third wheel with her and her boyfriend. I had to pay $60 for the ticket too. FML
Today, while riding my bike in the rain to a counselling appointment about my depression, my shoelace came untied and got caught around my pedal, causing me to go flying off my bike directly in a huge muddy puddle right in front of a busy street of people. No one offered to help me. FML
Today, after asking my hubby for what seems the millionth time to stop shoving his finger into my bum crack, I thought it would be funny to give him a taste of his own medicine by doing it to him. Right as my finger was in his crack, he let loose a huge fart. FML
Today, my husband jokingly said to me, "I think you love Captain Kirk more than me." Without thinking, I said in a serious tone, "I think I do, too." FML
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