By Grimmy - United States - Brunswick

Crack wars

Today, after asking my hubby for what seems the millionth time to stop shoving his finger into my bum crack, I thought it would be funny to give him a taste of his own medicine by doing it to him. Right as my finger was in his crack, he let loose a huge fart. FML

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Triage

Serious times

Be better, people

By damnnn - Australia

Today, I was standing on a step ladder to reach the batteries on top of my fridge so I could change the ones in my TV remote. My sister thought it would be funny to shake the ladder and see what would happen. I now have a broken leg and a TV remote with dead batteries in it. FML

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By kicking me while I'm LITERALLY down

Today, I was hit by a car while riding my bike, so I called my dad for help. He blamed me for the accident, said he wasn't sure what I wanted him to do, and suggested I call my mom instead. She isn't picking up. FML

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By Hairdresser On Fire - United Kingdom - Bristol

Bad hair day

Today, I mistook a little girl for a boy. Unfortunately, I only realised my mistake until after I'd cut her hair. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, my sculpture, which is very important for my art grade, fell from my desk and broke to pieces. My art teacher suggested I soak the parts in water to make it easier to stick them back together. They dissolved. FML

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By gross - Canada

Today, I was playing my guitar outside my apartment building, and some people had put some money in my guitar case. One guy threw in what I thought was a crumpled piece of paper or something. It was actually a used condom. It leaked all over the money and my case. FML

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By Barking Mad - Australia - Revesby

Today, I got several noise complaints from various neighbours about my "dog that won't stop barking". I don't own a dog, my neighbour owns the noisy dog. She sent me a complaint as well. FML

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By pat - United States

Uncertainty

Today, my parents bought me a wine glass with "Who needs a man?" painted all over it. Cute, until after dinner my mom looked me in the eyes and asked with complete sincerity, "Kara, are you gay?" My parents tried to get me to come out. I'm straight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a man dressed as Santa Claus walked by me, grabbing my butt. He smelled of pipe tobacco and pee. He pulled me close to him and whispered, "I bet you're naughty but you feel so nice." I looked dumbfounded at him as he winked and yelled, "You're on my list." FML

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By f*ckingdisgusted - United States

Today, I was installing updates on my 16 year old daughter's laptop, when I got the urge to snoop around. I found a 5,000 word sex story involving her and the Edward and Jacob weirdos from the Twilight movies. I can't even look her in the eyes. I can't believe I raised this freak. FML

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By crudofalife - United States

Today, while working as a cashier at McDonald's, a man came in telling me that he had not received his hamburger. I looked at his receipt and the date said 11/17/09. FML

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By Marco

Today, the bank I use lost 5 billion. FML

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By errints234234 - United States

Today, I was reading a magazine while straightening my hair. I got really into this one article until suddenly a huge clump of hair fell on it. I looked up and realized I had burned through the layer of hair I was straightening, leaving me with one layer at ear length and the rest at bra length. FML

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By shiiiiit - United States

Today, I was having trouble blowing out the last of the several candles on my bedside table. Exasperated, I blew as hard as I could, which sent hot wax from the other candles shooting into the air, all over my face and into my eyes. FML

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By Loveless

Today, I discovered my girlfriend's secret blog, where all she does is vent about how much she cheats on me and hates me, but will never leave me because she can’t afford to. Her followers love and support these actions. FML

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By imcold - United States

Today, a stranger was kind enough to plow my driveway during a blizzard. However, they were not kind enough to leave their number after plowing the front end of my car. FML

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By hedgehog5 - United States

Today, I found out my blood type is B. My parents are type A and type O. It's not genetically possible to be blood type B if your parents are A and O. This means I am either an adoptee, a mutant, or an illegitimate child. FML

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By weezer - United States

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me in the bathroom. That's how he found out that I wax my nipples. FML

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By twoface_chick - United States - San Francisco

Today, I have bad adult acne. This wouldn't be so bad, except that it's only on one side of my face. I look like a Batman villain. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I stopped by the gas station. As I was filling up I noticed a cute guy at the pump next to me. When I was done, I gave him a wink before opening my car door. It was locked. I had to call my Dad to bring my spare keys. The guy was laughing the whole time as I waited for my Dad to show up. FML

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By mayerstexmex69 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, while in class, I was called down to the office. The principal showed me a video of 2 guys fighting in the school parking lot. I'm accused of being one of those guys. I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw an elderly woman in need of help of crossing a street. I helped her across. On the way she just about fell and held onto me to keep from hitting the ground. After she left on her bus I reached for my wallet. It was gone. I had just been robbed by a 70 year old. FML

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By Mike - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML

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By bananaface - United States

Today, I stood in line for one hour to get a new phone. It then took me 2 minutes to drop it and shatter the screen, and 2 seconds for the employee to look at, laugh, and tell me, "That Sucks." FML

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By Marie

Reverse psychology

Today, while trying to get my picky daughter to eat her dinner, I pretended to take some of her food and give it to her brother, thinking that would get her to eat it. Instead, she thanked me. FML

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By MadSon - United States

Today, my dad had something to tell me. He'd cleaned out my bank account to pay off 38,000 dollars worth of gambling debt. My wedding is in 5 months. FML

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By Liz - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend had his phone taken away by his dad for this past week. I have been sending him naked photos and other naughty things this entire week, or so I thought. FML

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By Former Professor

Today, I happily went to an interview after job searching for months. I learned a large part of my job would be cleaning the toilets. Every. Single. Hour. I used to lecture at a university until budget cuts happened. FML

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By leftwardfoil - United States

Today, I woke up to my roommate sniffing my underwear. He said he was checking if they were clean, so he could borrow them later. Which may have been reasonable, if I weren't still sleeping in them. FML

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By nhanley1 - United States

Today, my cell phone broke. It wouldn't even turn on. I went online to access my account so that I could order a new phone. I couldn't remember my password. The phone company had an option of "forgot my password". Upon clicking I get a message saying "Your password will be sent to your phone". FML

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By Dulok Warrior Princess - United States - New York

Today, at gym class, coach placed the boys on an "advanced level" rope climb by having a girl cling on their back. I got paired with my crush. As he climbed, we were trailing behind so I cheered for him to go faster. He loudly responded, "Why don't you go on a diet!?" FML

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By Puddlepop - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, in history class I was called "ignorant" and "inconsiderate" because I referred to Stalin as a "he". FML

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By MadMax - United States - Nashua

Today, I rode my motorcycle to an appointment and parked in the parking garage. When I got out, some ass had pushed my bike from the spot and had boxed it in between the wall and his car. Apparently, he felt he deserved the spot more than me and didn't care if I wanted to leave. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Temecula

Today, I came home from a relaxing, peaceful vacation. When I got home my 4-year-old son was free-balling with poop all over his body, screaming "Bob the Builder will kick your ass." The baby sitter is nowhere to be found and I can't get him to stop saying, "I love ass." FML

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By NotBeingPaidEnough - United Kingdom - London

Today, a crazy homeless guy got angry because I wouldn't sell him a bottle of vodka at half price. He got so irrationally mad, he put his fingers down his throat and threw up on my checkout. FML

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By fu2then - Canada

Today, I ran into my manipulative ex-boyfriend at a party. We were chatting and I mentioned that the guys I have been seeing lately all turn out to be jerks. He says "yeah well you dumped me and don't deserve to be happy." Apparently he has been creeping and scaring off any guys interested in me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Apopka

Today, the guy I broke up with for not putting any effort into the relationship asked if he could make it up to me by taking me out to lunch. He stood me up. FML

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By PerfectVision - United States - Long Beach

Today, I had to decline the sale of alcohol to a man who reeked of booze and was practically falling asleep at my till. He tried to convince me that he wasn't drunk, he was just blind. Still refusing to sell him the beer, he started yelling at me, accusing me of "being racist against the 'blinds'". FML

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By Shepaintsmusic

Today, an antiques dealer made a joke about chopping off and buying my deformed left hand. FML

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By teea - Australia - Saint Lucia

Today, my boyfriend and I cleaned his parents' whole house while they were out, just to be nice. When they came home, they assumed we only did it because we'd made some huge mess that we needed to hide. I'm now banned from their house. FML

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By Vlad

Today, my uncle is on vacation with his friend, who sent us a video of their hotel room. He captured a glimpse of my uncle in the shower. Naked. This can't be unseen. FML

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Top comments

By SoulEaterSE | 23

#6561410 - Thursday 17 March 2016 19:46

#fingersinthebootyassbitch

By dudeutookhrs | 24

#6561414 - Thursday 17 March 2016 19:47

So who learned the lesson here?

COMMENTS

By ananicosia | 28

#6561403 - Thursday 17 March 2016 19:44

At least he gets the message, no more fingers in butts for anyone

Reply

zeffra13 | 31

#6561474 - Thursday 17 March 2016 21:19

I doubt he got the message. I bet he's more like my ex & thinks he's the only one who can get away with things.

Reply

Ms_ValS | 27

#6561682 - Friday 18 March 2016 5:28

I'd just shut the gates till he gets it OP.

Reply

kitkatjoy_96 | 28

#6561697 - Friday 18 March 2016 6:23

Except for Kanye ≧∇≦

Reply

kitkatmiaow | 21

#6571704 - Friday 1 April 2016 0:12

Issues???

By CFB_FRS | 27

#6561404 - Thursday 17 March 2016 19:44

You deserved that..

Reply

YouDeservedIt69 | 8

#6562231 - Saturday 19 March 2016 4:05

Yeah

Reply

pinkiepink | 15

#6562950 - Sunday 20 March 2016 5:36

excuse me? OP clearly made it obvious that she didn't want to be touched that way. OP didn't deserve anything. ?

By Cadillac_kid_15 | 27

#6561405 - Thursday 17 March 2016 19:45

Eww

By SoulEaterSE | 23

#6561410 - Thursday 17 March 2016 19:46

#fingersinthebootyassbitch

By Liamj774 | 36

#6561411 - Thursday 17 March 2016 19:46

Well maybe you need to fartify your ass crack

Reply

PePziNL | 20

#6561606 - Friday 18 March 2016 1:56

I gave you a thumbsup only for the word fartify.

By sallycinnamon | 21

#6561413 - Thursday 17 March 2016 19:46

Holy shit

Reply

The_ghetto_mango | 25

#6564323 - Monday 21 March 2016 21:55

Is that supposed to be a pun? If it was, it was terrible.

Reply

SwagGod420 | 2

#6687348 - Sunday 11 September 2016 2:46

unless he was jesus holy half that comment is correct

By dudeutookhrs | 24

#6561414 - Thursday 17 March 2016 19:47

So who learned the lesson here?

By Bigdog107 | 11

#6561415 - Thursday 17 March 2016 19:47

is your husband's name kanye by any chance?

By Apparentlyacunt | 18

#6561418 - Thursday 17 March 2016 19:48

If he still hasn't got the message at least you know a different tact to try in the future.

By kayh666 | 14

#6561422 - Thursday 17 March 2016 19:52

glad it's not just my household that does this ??