Today, I was walking through town when I saw a plastic bag on... - FML

By fml - 25/4/2009 01:55 - United States

Today, I was walking through town when I saw a plastic bag on the ground. Trying to be a good citizen, I picked it up, intending on throwing it in the trash. When I looked up, there wasn't a trash can for another hundred feet. So I put it back down. Now I've got a $200 fine to pay for littering. FML

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Vultures

Rich people problems

Peaky Bladders

By - 9/4/2019 12:00

Today, I found out that the threatening and insulting messages I received from my boyfriend's "stalker ex" were actually sent by him. Why? Because he cheated and he didn't want to admit it. I'm dating a psycho. FML

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By anon - 11/11/2015 03:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, a notification from Tinder popped up on my girlfriend's phone, 'Congratulations, you have a new match'. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2017 22:00 - United States - Greensburg

Today, I was on my way to college when I got in a car wreck with none other than my professor. My car was totaled and couldn't drive, but his could so I missed class, but he still made it. The end result? He marked me as an "unexcused absence" and gave me a zero. The accident was his fault. FML

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By karengoeswest - 16/8/2018 15:00

Today, my coworker was talking about how he's met the man of his dreams and they've been dating for 3 months. He showed me a picture of them at Niagara Falls last weekend. His new boyfriend is my husband, who was supposedly on a business trip in Boston. FML

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By Shouldaknown - 6/8/2010 05:12 - United States

Today, I decided to watch a movie I hadn't seen before to bring my spirits up, as I've been feeling down lately. How did the movie end? Everybody died. FML

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By Parental Support - 30/8/2013 04:11 - United States - Ellicott City

Today, I found out I was 13th in a graduating class of about 350 students. When I told my mother, without batting an eye, she told me, "Hey, shit floats". FML

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By dmanrique - 4/10/2011 15:10 - United States

Today, my friend decided to jump out of a moving car. I had to explain to the nice old lady who stopped that my friend who was convulsing on the ground wasn't on drugs, he's just really stupid. FML

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By HagFag - 10/11/2018 14:00

Today, I was helping this girl to the nurse’s office because she was so sick that she could barely walk. About halfway there, she stopped and vomited on me. My jaw was dropped in shock when she threw up on me again. A little went into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2015 00:50 - United States

Today, my 14-year-old daughter told me she's pregnant and plans on dropping out of school to live a life on the road with her boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2012 03:19 - United States

Today, I got to drop off my boyfriend at his newest place of residence: jail. FML

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By paige - 1/4/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, my dad came home drunk and called me hot. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2014 03:34 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 3-year-old son discovered his testicles. When I asked him what they were, he replied, "They're my balls! They make my winkie happy!" Now he won't quit singing it. FML

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By Lotz - 29/8/2018 14:30

Today, I found out that my sister has been stealing money from me. My parents won't do anything because there's "no evidence it was her". She's the only one in this house that spends regularly and has opportunities to take it while no one's around. FML

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By nosleep - 5/2/2011 00:05 - Australia

Today, in the middle of the night, my fiancé started yelling gibberish in his sleep. When I tried to wake him, he punched me square in the face. FML

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By batsu - 27/1/2012 06:48 - Canada

Today, I made a drunken bet with friends that I could pour lighter fluid on my hands, light it, and shake it out before I got burned. I lost. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2011 06:36 - United States

Today, I received a few new fish for my aquarium as presents for my birthday. It just so happened that these fish were carrying diseases that left me with a tank full of dead fish. Happy birthday. FML

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By andy - 28/1/2013 04:36 - United States - Long Beach

Today, on my shift as a nurse, I asked a pregnant woman what she would name her child. She said she saw the name "Chlamydia" on a billboard and decided to name her daughter that, saying it was "beautiful." I informed her that it was an STD, and she replied, "Oh, well no one knows that!" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2014 15:57 - United States - Lancaster

Today, we decided to go to an aquarium for a little family get-away. At the end was a shark viewing deck, and I leaned over the rails to get a better look. How did I find out that my glasses needed to be adjusted? They fell off and sunk right to the bottom of the shark-infested waters. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2018 03:00

Today, my husband misheard me when I said I wanted a massage with sensual oils. He used essential oils instead. Essential oils are not meant to be used on the skin, trust me. My skin looks like a cross between sandpaper and pus-filled bubble wrap. FML

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By considering murder - 25/3/2016 17:19 - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, I finally put the finishing touches on a huge project after 8 months of gruelling work. My boss had used the promise of a 5-figure bonus to motivate me. When I casually brought the bonus up later in the day, my boss just said "Gratitude's its own reward, Mike." FML

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By FirstWeekFail - 4/9/2018 18:30

Today, I was bitching to my mom on the phone about the long, boring paper assignment my Lit professor gave us. Right after saying "that woman needs to get laid" I heard hysterical laughing behind me. I turned. Hello professor, just on my way to drop the course. FML

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By the fuck? - 5/3/2016 09:49 - Australia - Hawthorn

Today, I actually had to reassure the girl I'm seeing that she can't "catch" my epilepsy. FML

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By NotSoSick - 12/2/2010 05:11 - United States

Today, my doctor put me on some extra strength antibiotics for an infection. On the label it says "WARNING: may cause Diarrhea"... 'may cause' is a funny term... this is the second time I've sharted in my pants today. FML

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By allwrong - 16/3/2010 10:27 - Australia

Today, after years of thinking I was weird for never being attracted to anyone, I realized that for the first time in my life I actually have a crush on someone. That 'someone' is my English teacher. He is 60. I am 18. FML

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By love_today - 30/5/2010 02:36 - Canada

Today, I got called a f***ing b**ch by one of my students. I teach kindergarten. FML

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By MacBook - 14/5/2009 19:43 - United States

Today, my dad was in town for 1 day. We only had about 3 hours to do something so we left right away. Right as we were about to leave my dads slutty girlfriend came by for a "surprise visit". My dad told me he would be right back. They had sex for 2 hours and 45 minutes. we talked for 15 minutes. FML

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By tomcat69 - 11/7/2011 00:01 - Canada

Today, after spending 6 months and $15,000 on lawyer fees at my 13 year old son's request, his abusive, alcoholic father no longer has any legal right to see him. How did my son repay me? He ran away to live with his father the very first time I told him he couldn't have friends sleep over. FML

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By exnotwelcome19 - 2/5/2011 01:05 - United States

Today, my mom told my abusive ex-boyfriend, whom I broke up with 5 days ago, that he is always welcome at my house. She "misses him". FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2011 14:37 - United States

Today, I have a cold and need to blow my nose all the time. The problem is that every time I blow my nose, I get a nosebleed. When I breathe through my mouth, I have a coughing fit. So I have to choose between not breathing, coughing up mucus or blowing blood. FML

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By space_cadet90818 - 8/3/2010 00:16 - United States

Today, I woke up with one of the worst migraines I've had in months. My mother (who thinks I'm a hypochondriac) began to scream at me about "making up an illness". When I asked for my meds, she called me an addict and dumped my $300 prescription down the sink. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 20:00

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Today, my mom told me my aunt was coming over. I told her I might have to work, and would be sad to miss her. My mom said, "Or, you know, if you're not there, it might be nice." FML

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By conspicuous - 12/9/2012 20:11 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I was late for class. I have extreme social anxiety, so I quietly slipped into the huge, packed auditiorium, trying to be as quiet as possible. When I was almost to my seat, I accidentally kicked a teacher's coffee down the steps. The entire class looked at me and clapped. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2009 18:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me because I'm in the military and I'm gone too much. The reason I enlisted in the first place is because we agreed that the money and benefits I would earn would help us be able to start a family in the future. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 02:00

Better out than in

Today, I had the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my lower right abdomen. I was doubled over and vomiting it hurt so bad. After going to the E.R., thinking it was my appendix and getting checked in, I let out the biggest most rancid fart in my life and the pain immediately went away. FML

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By That idiot - 28/8/2014 02:33 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I won a goldfish at the amusement park. My little brother took him out of the bowl because he thought he was drowning. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2009 02:06 - Canada

Today, I was visiting my friend's new house and he was showing me around. I saw a small door in the wall and decided to open it. When I opened it, his daughter was hiding in there and screamed to scare me. Now I know my scream is more high pitched than his daughter's. I'm a 37 year old male. FML

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By KDM - 5/2/2012 19:39 - Australia

Today, I realised how socially inept I am, when I muttered an apology to my laptop after I noticed I hadn't plugged its charger in. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2009 09:33 - Australia

Today, I got my first tip. It was a Mentos. FML

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By Jason - 17/4/2020 02:00 - United Kingdom - Newcastle

Empathy bypass

Today, I worked up the courage to confess my bulimia to my girlfriend of three months. It's a touchy subject for me and I ended up in tears. When I was done talking, I looked up to see my girlfriend's disgusted face. She claimed I had a 'vomit fetish', said I was 'half a man' and broke up with me. FML

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By Walter_Sobchak7 - 12/8/2017 01:30

Today, while at work, a sneeze snuck up on me. Ever sneeze so violently your fake tooth shoots into the cubicle across from you? FML

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Top comments

By earwig12 | 1

#141468 - Saturday 25 April 2009 9:04

So walk the extra hundred feet. How is that a big deal?

By burritobird | 0

#141471 - Saturday 25 April 2009 9:06

a plastic bag doesn't weigh anything
and it wouldn't have taken any extra effort to walk the 100 ft.
your laziness disgusts me.

you completely deserved it.

COMMENTS

By earwig12 | 1

#141468 - Saturday 25 April 2009 9:04

So walk the extra hundred feet. How is that a big deal?

Reply

imthestory | 0

#983949 - Friday 23 April 2010 4:49

wow it's 100 feet, you would probably walk ten times that to get to a mic dicks

By ChelseaAnn08 | 0

#141470 - Saturday 25 April 2009 9:05

You can't walk the extra 100 feet? YDI.

By burritobird | 0

#141471 - Saturday 25 April 2009 9:06

a plastic bag doesn't weigh anything
and it wouldn't have taken any extra effort to walk the 100 ft.
your laziness disgusts me.

you completely deserved it.

By mojo_jojo | 0

#141474 - Saturday 25 April 2009 9:07

He was probably holding it by the very tip of his fingers to keep from getting anything nasty on him, but then he looked like an idiot and the wind kept threatening to blow it in his face. That'd be a good reason to not walk a hundred feet.

By Asyuz134 | 0

#141475 - Saturday 25 April 2009 9:07

umm yeah ydi lazy... Ill be a good citizen so long as i dont need to put forth effort... lord...

By ElsBells | 0

#141487 - Saturday 25 April 2009 9:11

That makes you just as bad as the original person, too lazy to walk to 100 feet to throw it away. If you're going to pick up litter, just throw it out! YDI!

By CaptainJellyBean | 0

#141493 - Saturday 25 April 2009 9:13

Unless at that very moment you spontaneously broke both your legs, I don't feel there's a good enough reason you couldn't have just walked the grueling 100 feet to that bin.
YDI.

Reply

Darcon | 8

#2322849 - Sunday 10 April 2011 3:10

tbh, you never know what could have happened to that bag.. bunch of hobos cud have masturbated in it, or something

By sBqOuMaBd | 9

#141496 - Saturday 25 April 2009 9:14

Lazy POS... should have just took it to the Garbage pail... you deserved this one..

By ambisaurus | 0

#141500 - Saturday 25 April 2009 9:15

if you could see the trashcan why couldnt you just walk over there? i mean i could understand if there werent any trashcans anywhere but come on it was like right there

By Serial | 2

#141501 - Saturday 25 April 2009 9:15

you should of gotten another $200 fine for being lazy