Love: Today, my husband jokingly said to me, "I think you love Captain...

By trekkiewife - United States - New Port Richey

Today, my husband jokingly said to me, "I think you love Captain Kirk more than me." Without thinking, I said in a serious tone, "I think I do, too." FML

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Love

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Our house, in the middle of our street

Rich people problems

By ananymous - United States - Spencerport

Today, I was handing candy to a little boy who was trick or treating by himself. He was small enough to grab the candy and run past me into my house. I've been searching my house for two hours and still can't find him. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

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By Jason

Today, I bought my crush a bouquet of roses plus one fake. The line was going to be, "I'll stop loving you when the last rose dies." I told my best friend and he thought it was such an amazing idea that he stole the fake rose and gave it to her himself. Guess who got the girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Duarte

Today, as my boyfriend and I were getting hot in the bedroom, he stopped right before he entered me and said, "Knock knock!" He refused to continue until I replied, "Come in." FML

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By wtf - United States

Today, I was jamming out and playing some air guitar. I somehow managed to knee myself directly in my left eye socket. I now have a hideously swollen face and a black eye. When people ask me what happened, I'll be hesitant to tell the truth. FML

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By tbeemcgeebee - United States

Today, at 2 am on a Saturday, I purposely updated my Facebook status from my iPod so people will see that I posted from a 'mobile device' and think I'm out at a bar having a life, instead of sitting at home on my bed watching movies on my Netflix. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came home from a long business trip. I walked in the front door to see my house was a complete mess.The first thing my son said was "Did you bring pizza?" FML

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By :( - United States

Today, I learned it's best not to piss off your mom when she's cutting your hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I heard that my ex-girlfriend was spreading scurrilous rumours about me all over our university. It appears that I distribute white supremacist propaganda, and that my sexual fantasies involve animals and vegetation. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Olney

Today, my car got towed. My money is in my car and they won't let me open my car to get money until my car is "released". FML

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By Amanda

Today, my daughter has been using the "supertaster" excuse to not eat my cooking. To prove to her that she isn't one, I blindfolded her and gave her a bowl of jelly beans, then asked her to plug her nose and identify the flavors. She got every single one correct. FML

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By slitherasssnape - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, in science class, I was bored and playing with a paper towel, dipping it into a container of water. When my teacher caught me and asked what I was doing, I panicked and said I was 'drying the water'. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2021 21:30

Weird kid

Today, and for the last 4 days, my 19-year-old son has been wearing a metal full face skull helmet and a black robe, and has renamed himself Beast. He also bought a sword from god knows where and refuses to leave the house, because the outside scares him. I may need an exorcist. FML

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By chacha - United States

Today, I realized that I'm a sleepwalker and for the past week, that dream where I was giving my roommate a blowjob was real. He just pretended it never happened. FML

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By UnderConstruction - Canada - Pickering

Today, I wrecked my car and got rushed to the emergency room. While strapped to a gurney, a nurse reached in my back pocket, grabbed my wallet and pulled the velcro keeping my wallet shut. The entire room immediately started laughing as condoms and loose change went flying everywhere. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Irmo

Today, I'm moving. While packing, I realized I hadn't seen my cat in a few hours. I called her and realized she was inside one of the hundreds of boxes in my house. I accidentally packed my cat. FML

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By romancocks - United States - Palatka

Today, some girl in the street mistook me for Richard Simmons. FML

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By didn't notice for 2 years - United States - Goodyear

Today, my sister told me that the only reason I like one guy is because he looks exactly like the guy that dumped me. I showed her two pictures to argue against it, and ended up proving her right. FML

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By [email protected] - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, my drunk husband came home, got into bed, and started humping the body pillow. He ended up whining about how I hadn't come yet, then angrily slurred that I must be cheating on him. All I could do was stay quiet and wonder how the idiot even made it home alive. FML

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By karebear - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months said he wasn't going to break up with me, he was just going to stop touching me. FML

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By aaah. - Canada - Caronport

Today, I had to take Viagra. FML

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By CaptBlood - 4/5/2021 14:01

Shady dealings

Today, my wife says she's not hiding money from me but I checked our joint bank account, which I no longer use, and find she's been transferring money in-and-out of 3 accounts, while taking money from me and getting payday loans to cover it. FML

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By middleagednurse - United States - Miami

Today, my husband bought me XL pajamas for my birthday. I got really angry, telling him that's obviously not my size. I tried them on just to show him how ridiculous they look. They fit. FML

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By d - United States

Today, when I was trying to break up with my boyfriend, I told him how I needed space and time to think. His response was, "Ok, we're out of condoms anyway." FML

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By fmlfmlfml - Canada

Today, I snuck into my brother's room to scare him. Just as I was about to go for it, his girlfriend calls. I had to sit there motionless listening to my brother having phone sex, then wait for him to go to sleep and sneak back out to pretend it never happened. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, at my retail job, I tried on one of our hats. My co-worker told me I shouldn't because I could get lice. I laughed it off and told her I didn't believe her. Man, do I believe her now. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to Auto Zone because my car was having trouble starting, and I thought it was the battery. The guy checked it with their reader, and confirmed it was dying. Right after he put the battery in, my starter died. I had to get my car towed to the shop. FML

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By itwasajoke

Today, I ran into an old friend for whom I used to have feelings. I hadn't seen her in years, so I thought it would be funny if I went up to her and said, "Hey, you look familiar, do I know you?" She thought I had really forgotten her and burst into tears. FML

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By DF - Israel - Rehovot

Today, I went bowling with my girlfriend, her sister and her brother-in-law, and her niece. After 10 rounds, I came in last place. Her niece is 3 years old. She got twice as many points as me. FML

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By owngoalscored

Overreaction much?

Today, I was watching a movie that had a mild sex scene in it. My mother walked in just as that scene was starting and she flipped out. I'm now grounded. She's taken my TV and laptop out of my room and refuses to let me see my boyfriend because she's sure he's the cause of my "disgusting behaviour". FML

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By M3DO

Today, I got called for a job that I applied to 2 months ago, just to ask me if I had an older brother that could work for them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brownwood

Today, my boss was telling everyone his mother recently passed away and he'll be off work for a while. I'd been holding in painful gas for a while, so I tried to ease it out. It turned into a long, squeaky fart in front of everyone. Everyone glared at me as if I was trying to be funny. FML

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By blargh - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, at work, I was taking a woman's measurements while she held her screaming baby. To silence the infant, she whipped out her breast right there and started feeding him. Moments later, he puked breast milk all over my desk. FML

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By dan - United States - Laurel

Today, I started my new job. It seems my colleagues are moronic pranksters, because when I leaned back in my chair, the back-rest fell apart and I fell to the ground, to much laughter. My boss immediately shouted at me to "stop fucking about." I thought this only happened in movies. FML

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By Notaplacetogo - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend taking pictures of his penis in a condom. When I asked him what the hell he was doing he told me that he was making a stop-motion film called "All Dressed Up with Nowhere to go." FML

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By "clumsycat"

Today, I thought my water had broken. I had actually just peed myself when the baby moved. FML

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By a - United States

Today, my grandfather proudly informed me that the dump he'd just took looked like a tiger claw. He announced this during dinner, and told us not to flush it until he could take a picture. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I shared our first kiss. When I leaned in on him, he fell over backwards and smashed his head against the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my psycho mom walked in while I was chilling and having fun with some friends. She kicked them out and now wants to drug test me, because "Nobody's that happy without drugs". FML

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By max - United States

Today, I went jogging with my girlfriend. I'm pretty sure my moobs bounced more than her breasts. FML

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By ReallyRyan?

Today, my younger brother sat on some poison ivy. He didn't have any symptoms because he's pretty much immune to it. Also today, my boyfriend had to run to the ER because he got poison ivy on his genitalia. I knew they spent way too much time together. FML

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Top comments

By BiGTiMeNeRD | 29

#6440630 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 9:19

That escalated kirkly.

By tranced_ | 44

#6440643 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:03

A moment of silence for the people who don't know anything about captain kirk! (that includes me)

COMMENTS

By BiGTiMeNeRD | 29

#6440630 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 9:19

That escalated kirkly.

MrPigu | 3

#6440639 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 9:34

This is an upvote worthy pun!

By Starlight1029 | 18

#6440632 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 9:22

Lolol whoops xD you go, fellow Trekkie. :3 though I prefer Spock.
Seriously though, if your guy knows and loves you well enough I figured he'd understand a slip of the tongue. Hope all went well..

Starlight1029 | 18

#6465702 - Friday 20 November 2015 6:23

Why was this disliked so much? Was it the way it was worded? That I said Spock was better?
I guess I just suck at comments or something >.< I'll try to do better next time..