Today, I realized my friends and I should be more careful what... - FML

By Alex - 26/3/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, I realized my friends and I should be more careful what we say around my younger brother. I never thought he was paying attention until today. My stepmom told him it was time to go to bed. He responded, "I think it's time for you to suck one." My brother is 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19150

You deserved it

76630

Tweet

Share

Inspirational tale

Alternative medicine is bull

Risky business

By Anonymous - 14/4/2013 14:22 - United States - Big Lake

Today, I asked my grandmother to hem my prom dress for me. I'm her oldest granddaughter so I thought she'd be happy to do it. She said no. Her occupation is a seamstress. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47158

You deserved it

7953

Tweet

Share

By Francoise3 - 18/3/2009 13:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I received an e-mail from the girls at work. It was an invite to lunch but it said, "Lunch today at Camber's, PLEASE don't tell Francoise, I don't think any of us can take any more of her!" I'm Francoise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

86827

You deserved it

19360

Tweet

Share

By Rush Snake - 5/1/2009 03:57 - France

Today, I tried to play with my Wii using the TV remote. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8128

You deserved it

31415

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/1/2013 17:20 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went on another date with a guy I've had a crush on for a long time. Afterwards, we went back to my place for the first time and things got heated. While taking my pants off, he recoiled and asked if I thought it was still No Shave November. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30208

You deserved it

47167

Tweet

Share

By Rain - 14/11/2016 11:43

Today, I discovered my own mother has been stealing money from me for months when I opened my savings box to find it empty. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9860

You deserved it

677

Tweet

Share

By love4cheese1197 - 2/8/2019 20:00

Today, I had to listen to my best friend explain how to properly unstick one's balls from one's leg. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1354

You deserved it

226

Tweet

Share

By Wutdafuqq - 23/2/2015 20:18 - Canada - Kanata

Today, a woman yelled at me for holding a door open for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34704

You deserved it

3242

Tweet

Share

By _guy_j - 6/9/2015 03:11 - United States - Glendora

Today, my brother got a job as an Uber driver. Now, whenever I need a ride from him, he insists I pay him money through the app. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24160

You deserved it

3320

Tweet

Share

By itsbeenalongday - 27/9/2015 16:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was taking a long, relaxing, hot bath with my girlfriend after a long day. She had fallen asleep in my arms and everything was perfect - until I noticed the water around us had started turning yellow as she pissed herself in her sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31815

You deserved it

3026

Tweet

Share

By babasheep - 20/6/2009 05:17 - Canada

Today, after dieting and working out for almost 3 months, I sit down on my chair to finish off some work. It broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43574

You deserved it

4718

Tweet

Share

By Jake Leiter - 20/3/2016 18:12 - United States - Grantham

Today, for what has seemed to be the hundredth time, my labeled bagged lunch was stolen from the fridge at my workplace. I stormed into my boss's office ready to complain, only to find him eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21852

You deserved it

1214

Tweet

Share

By likecomeon - 3/11/2015 03:55 - United States - Glendale

Today, I figured out why my 'best friend' hasn't talked to me in weeks. She assumed an FML post she read was about her. It was posted in 2009. I met her last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26809

You deserved it

1730

Tweet

Share

By crinitis - 28/1/2016 16:05 - Canada - Ancaster

Today, I found out my parents only had me in an attempt to fix their relationship. It didn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22957

You deserved it

1379

Tweet

Share

By Oliveisthenewora - 5/4/2016 05:55 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I tried a DIY face mask that involved using turmeric spice. After keeping it on for 20 minutes, I tried washing it off, but I couldn't get rid of the orange residue it had left behind. Guess who's going to work tomorrow looking like an Oompa Loompa. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18170

You deserved it

7226

Tweet

Share

By Garageless - 14/10/2020 05:02

Ideal location

Today, I live near the bottom of a hill, where there's a curve and I'm seriously considering moving, because someone drove through my garage into the ravine. Insurance says they don't cover "Acts of God." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1077

You deserved it

54

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 20:00

Bird song

Today, I figured I've been watching too many horror films, due to my parrot mimicking a women's blood-curdling screams that he heard in a movie. How do I know? He decided to reproduce the screams at 3 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1470

You deserved it

388

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/5/2020 05:00 - Australia

Jaws

Today, I was violently sick. There was so much vomit forcing itself out that I dislocated my jaw. I continued throwing up with a dislocated jaw for an hour or so. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2010

You deserved it

109

Tweet

Share

By Pimpleeater - 20/12/2011 07:45 - New Zealand

Today, I found out that, when mad at us, my son picks the tops off his shoulder-pimples and sprinkles them in our food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48341

You deserved it

5637

Tweet

Share

By TheSacredTeddyBear - 31/7/2013 03:06 - United States - Independence

Today, I finally gave away all of the stuffed animals that I've been hoarding for years. Proud, I told my family. They congratulated me by buying me stuffed animals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48845

You deserved it

4937

Tweet

Share

By RecentCollegeGrad - 17/6/2015 18:09

Today, my mother got heartburn. She claimed she only gets heartburn when she is near a pregnant woman. She threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't take a pregnancy test, despite there being no way I was pregnant. Turns out, I am pregnant, and my mother's ego has never been bigger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33992

You deserved it

9744

Tweet

Share

By MushyKetchup - 14/8/2015 07:01 - United States - Amarillo

Today, a tarantula joined my stuffed animal collection in its drawer. It, unfortunately, wasn't stuffed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23114

You deserved it

1969

Tweet

Share

By saqmuel093 - 18/1/2015 19:44 - Malaysia - Tatau

Today, I ran out of cash. The nearest ATM to my house is over a half hour away by foot. After walking all the way there under the blistering heat of the sun, I realized I'd left my card back at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21555

You deserved it

23716

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/2/2013 00:43 - Finland - Helsinki

Today, I found out that my upstairs neighbor has a cat. I was blessed with this knowledge when she threw several piles of used kitty litter and cat poop over her balcony and onto my patio. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30772

You deserved it

2169

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/8/2019 20:00

Today, I learned what a "pain in the ass" means. I sat down on my patio swing chair, only to discover it was swarming with baby wasps, who stung me all over the butt. Ouch! FML

I agree, your life sucks

1541

You deserved it

206

Tweet

Share

By Bob - 22/11/2011 18:06 - United States

Today, I went to the orthodontist. The lady took a break and went to use the restroom. Apparently she didn't bother to take her gloves off, and they smelled like straight up pee. She had her hands in my mouth for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46469

You deserved it

8423

Tweet

Share

By Crap - 12/4/2016 16:48 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was taking a dump at work at a nursing home. While reaching for the toilet paper, I accidently pushed the emergency button. The nursing supervisors broke into the washroom to help. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19727

You deserved it

2914

Tweet

Share

By hot4donny - 12/11/2010 02:40 - United States

Today, my family and I were watching Mulan, and I mentioned that I've always had a crush on Shang. After going into detail about how I would "marry his sexy voice" I decided to look up this mystery dream man. To my surprise he was played by Donny Osmond. I will never live this down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9980

You deserved it

26872

Tweet

Share

By TheThirdWheel - 4/6/2013 19:11 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I found out my boyfriend is bringing his friends on our trip. I'm now the third wheel on the romantic trip we've planned for a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57230

You deserved it

4887

Tweet

Share

By Username - 9/8/2011 21:21 - United States

Today, I was asked how far I've gone with a guy. My answer? Eye contact. I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40532

You deserved it

8042

Tweet

Share

By Kreen - 2/2/2012 08:10 - China

Today, I realized that mixing alcohol with my medication causes me to lose my memory. I went to see my favorite band in concert last night and I can't remember a single song they played. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12020

You deserved it

44385

Tweet

Share

By spider-sarah - 8/10/2016 09:35 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out the hard way that if you leave your sheets on the washing line too long, spiders will go and make their new home in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8783

You deserved it

2051

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/10/2010 11:48 - United States

Today, as I was leaving the office, I heard my very cute coworker behind me say "Hey gorgeous, where are you off to?" I turned around with a smile and said "About to hit up happy hour." He was on the phone with his wife. I'm calling in sick tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29366

You deserved it

12046

Tweet

Share

By spit saliva spit - 7/8/2019 20:00

Today, I drooled on myself during a job interview and was immediately dismissed. This isn’t the first time it’s happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1326

You deserved it

510

Tweet

Share

By Alicia - 21/1/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have sex for the first time. Not only did he struggle for five minutes to put on a condom (repeatedly snapping himself in the balls), but he then had to ask me "which hole" to put it in. I'm dating a thirty-four year old virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32180

You deserved it

6269

Tweet

Share

By ripped - 7/9/2016 14:57 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my cat used my head as a springboard and ripped my earring out with her claw. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13729

You deserved it

1344

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/12/2010 17:08 - United States

Today, while on my honeymoon with my new wife, I tried to be romantic by installing a clapper to the lights in our room. As things progressed, the noise of our love making triggered the lights on and off repeatedly. She began to laugh and we ended up just calling it an early night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35177

You deserved it

13832

Tweet

Share

By can't sleep - 9/8/2019 00:01 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Cats give great advice like "Shit in a box!"

Today, I can't sleep. I don't know what's crazier, the fact that I have been lying in bed, staring at the ceiling for about 5 hours, or that I have been asking my cat for advice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1243

You deserved it

245

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/1/2012 16:10 - United States

Today, I realized my self confidence is based on the amount of "likes" I have on my Facebook statuses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16305

You deserved it

38256

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/4/2009 23:50 - Brazil

Today, I had a going-away party because I am leaving the country forever. Out of the 130 people invited, 60 were a resounding "Yes! of course I will go!". After paying $300 for everything needed at the party, 2 ended up coming. And left because nobody else was there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

90980

You deserved it

5723

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/7/2019 04:00

Today, I think I found out just how many times I've ordered through UberEats when my delivery guy told me that, "We should stop seeing each other like this!" with a chuckle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1419

You deserved it

464

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By theauthor | 0

#59618 - Thursday 26 March 2009 12:05

LOL
i had a similar experience when my 3 1/2 yr old cousin told me sadly that "tomas the tank engine is shit"

By Cogeno | 0

#59661 - Thursday 26 March 2009 12:51

I remember my 9 year old nephew recently got suspended for telling the teacher to 'Go suck her husband' after she was giving him shit.

COMMENTS

By theauthor | 0

#59618 - Thursday 26 March 2009 12:05

LOL
i had a similar experience when my 3 1/2 yr old cousin told me sadly that "tomas the tank engine is shit"

Reply

fuzz97 | 23

#823585 - Thursday 4 February 2010 3:57

XD

Reply

GiddyXD | 0

#938762 - Friday 12 March 2010 9:24

lol!!!

By PlasticShark | 0

#59620 - Thursday 26 March 2009 12:06

Haha, my hero.

Reply

oliv34 | 11

#6326741 - Sunday 21 June 2015 6:40

the 90s called they want their hairstyle back

By roar__ | 0

#59631 - Thursday 26 March 2009 12:15

That's the greatest thing I've heard in a while.

By emorockerownage | 9

#59634 - Thursday 26 March 2009 12:19

w000t

By RyeBreadBoy | 0

#59647 - Thursday 26 March 2009 12:28

hahaha hilarious.
you should teach him snappy comebacks on purpose just to amuse yourself.

By Jimboom | 11

#59650 - Thursday 26 March 2009 12:29

Lol. The kid is well on his way to being one of the cool kids. Now, if you could just get him smoking and drinking he will REALLY be advanced for his age.

Reply

kateRAWR | 4

#4334833 - Saturday 21 April 2012 17:49

U got that one right

Reply

jimmy_vansuelo | 10

#5726914 - Wednesday 23 October 2013 16:30

You shouldn't ever have kids...

Reply

ml_augustus | 23

#6642194 - Sunday 3 July 2016 9:23

Wow great advice

By arby | 0

#59655 - Thursday 26 March 2009 12:34

I forget the context, but I told my mother about something that happened that really sucked, her response? "that sucks... That sucks the big one." I was in a state of shock.

By were_giraffe | 2

#59660 - Thursday 26 March 2009 12:50

they ALWAYS pay attention to what you say.

Reply

lucy331 | 0

#2668855 - Monday 13 June 2011 4:44

true that!!!

By Cogeno | 0

#59661 - Thursday 26 March 2009 12:51

I remember my 9 year old nephew recently got suspended for telling the teacher to 'Go suck her husband' after she was giving him shit.

By thekreeperkeeper | 0

#59664 - Thursday 26 March 2009 13:04

nice, my niece of the same age called me a cocksucker once....