Today, I asked my fiancé what he liked most about being in a relationship with me. His answer? "I can watch your boobs without being called a perv." FML
Today, on the bus, a young high school boy sat down next to me and started to chat me up. I thought it was cute until he asked me which high school I was attending. I'm 27, I'm married, I have a child. FML
Today, my boyfriend came round to drop off some underwear, which I'd left at his house. Not all of what he brought was mine. FML
Today, I'm getting kicked out of my flat because my drunk friends stole a pony and left it tied outside. FML
Today, my best friend told me about a vicious rumor that's going around, saying I contracted a horrible STD. I asked her if she told everyone it was a lie. She said no, because the rumor is apparently "way too funny to ruin." Maybe it's time for new friends. FML
Today, I lost all hope on making my project high quality because of my partner's incompetence. My partner, AKA the company president. FML
Tyrez tells us more.
Tyrez 32
The project we are working on is a video. So far it looks like something we would have done in high school. He thinks that a screenshot means taking a picture of the screen. I should probably take your advice and do most of it on my own but make sure he feels like he contributed ;)
Today, I attended my best friend's wedding. Instead of throwing her bouquet, she turned around and handed it to me. I was the only single lady out of 150 guests. FML
Today, my wife has the flu, while I have strep throat. We have a two-year-old toddler and have no clue as to who's more contagious and who should take care of her as to not get her sick. Yay for the entire day of surgical masks and Sesame Street. FML
Today, in an attempt to break up with my boyfriend, I told him, "I don't feel a mental connection between us." His reply? "Why do we need a mental connection?" FML
Today, to show that he really wanted me to shave myself, my boyfriend pretended to go down on me, but instead of following through, he stuck a wad of gum in my pubic hair and got back up. FML
Today, I threw up in the car. While driving. The good news though, I had a bag to catch it all. Bad news? The bag had a giant hole in the bottom. FML
Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML
Today, I realized that I'd run out of deodorant. On top of that, I was late to work so I had to run, making me all sweaty and smelly. To cover it up, I used the air-freshener in the toilet at work. Everyone recognized the "Lemon Tree" scent and now all of my colleagues think I'm a cheap bastard. FML
Today, my friend spilt orange juice all over my iPad. She then went ahead to clean it off by rinsing it with water. FML
Today, a girl told me she couldn't text me anymore, because she was too tired and had to sleep. Over the next three hours, she updated her Facebook and Twitter accounts, and made a YouTube video of herself singing. FML
Today, I discovered that I won't be able to wear the dress with a low neck line that I bought for my cousin's wedding, because my older brother thought it would be funny to mix a scented body-wash that he knows makes my skin break out in hives, with my regular one. My chest looks like a pizza. FML
Today, I thought the girl I was seeing was going to tell me that she loved me. Instead, she told me how she sucked some other guy's dick. FML
Today, I went for my follow-up appointment with my surgeon. He walked into the room and said, "I thought you died." FML
Missusluv313 tells us more.
Hello everyone! Yes, he was joking. I just didn't find that shit funny. And he actually is a good doctor. But to make up for it, he gave me extra time off from work. I don't think he would do that to/for everybody, but I work at that hospital.
Today, my mother took 350 dollars from savings to go to a psychic. But it's okay though, because now I know I'm an "ancient soul from another dimension". An "ancient soul" who now has no money. FML
Today, at work, I got to wait on one of those tables where everyone had very complex orders, and some of them sent their food back. When the time finally came for me to bring them their check and receive my well-earned tip, I returned only to discover that they'd dined and dashed. FML
Today, I ate some hardboiled eggs for breakfast, not knowing they were practically rotten. My whole day has consisted of vomit-inducing sulfuric farts and diarrhea. FML
Today, a cute girl asked if my dog was available for a date on Valentine's Day. Thinking I was in luck, I asked if I should come along. She said no. My dog has better game than I do. FML
Today, I had a quicky with my boyfriend, because his dad was about to pick him up. Afterwards, I texted, "Nice to meet your dad, I hope we didn't look too horny." A few minutes later, he replied, "Great timing, he was holding my phone." FML
Today, I flew to California to visit my younger sister at college. When I got to her house, her boyfriend looks at her and says, "She's not THAT ugly." FML
Today, I went to my girlfriend's job to surprise her for lunch, her manager said she hasn't worked on a Saturday in two months. FML
Today, my husband discovered poking me in my belly button makes me have to pee, sometimes it's uncontrollable and happens immediately. He thinks it's hilarious and decided it's his new favorite game. FML
Today, I announced to my friends that my grandmother is dying. My best friend pulled out his phone and casually announced, "Technically, everyone is dying." FML
Today, one of my tires blew out on the highway. I managed to slow down and pull over without dying, and went to get my spare tire. I found it right where it was supposed to be, knifed to hell and with a taunting note from my psycho ex taped to it. We broke up nearly 3 years ago. FML
Today, I found out it is possible to get whiplash and a concussion from a tickle fight you have with your boyfriend. FML
Today, my boss showed me a two-page letter from a customer, complaining about me because I couldn't honor a coupon that expired in 2009. He agreed that I did the right thing by refusing it, but said it would be a black mark on my record anyway due to the complaint. FML
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