Miscellaneous: Today, I flew to California to visit my younger sister at college....

By annonymus - United States

Today, I flew to California to visit my younger sister at college. When I got to her house, her boyfriend looks at her and says, "She's not THAT ugly." FML

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Miscellaneous

There's no helping some people

This Charming Man

Taking stock

By Bob - United States

Today, I went to the orthodontist. The lady took a break and went to use the restroom. Apparently she didn't bother to take her gloves off, and they smelled like straight up pee. She had her hands in my mouth for over an hour. FML

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By Colormered - France

Today, I spent all day organizing a list of electronic parts for my boss. I found the easiest way was to color problem parts in the spreadsheet red and okay parts green. After I finished at the end of the day, I found out my boss is red-green colorblind. FML

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By saywhatnow - United States

Today, a man stopped me to tell me I was the most beautiful woman he'd seen all day. He promptly followed that up with: "Then again, you are the only woman I've seen today, so, it can only go up from here." FML

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By one sorry mom

Today, at the mall, my 4-year-old son threw up on a man's shoes. When he approached me, I immediately machine-gun mouthed him in public. The man apparently is a doctor and concernedly said that my son may have a rare gastric disease based on the puke. I got him checked, and he's right. FML

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By Idle_Twin - United States - Miami

Today, I was finishing my chest workout at the gym when this really cute girl started using the machine next to me. To impress her, I tried lifting a lot of weight on the barbell. It ended up landing on my neck and she had to help me get it off. FML

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By Lord Buttfuck IV - France

Today, my mum took away my laptop and my phone and won't let me call, text, or go out with friends for one month. Why? I left the toilet seat up. I'm writing this from a public library. FML

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By USSEYL - United Kingdom

Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn't able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took the dog for a 45 minute walk/jog. She sniffed everything on the ground like she always does. She marked her territory twice and we finally got home. As soon as I took her off the leash inside she ran to the kitchen and took a dump right on the kitchen mat. FML

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By Murphy's law

Today, I was working on my laptop when the screen suddenly turned red. I was shocked since it's not that old, but my insurance just expired. On my way to the service I was thinking, "At least my car works!" Well... A few hours later, my car broke. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was perusing my mom's Facebook. I noticed she has an album of pictures for each member of the family, except me. The dog has an album. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 23:00

Appearance matters

Today, I tried thinking of the best way to kill myself without leaving my body intact enough for people to continue to judge. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work as a gynecologist, I called in my last patient of the day. As soon as I took a peek, I noticed that she had stuck googly-eyes above her vagina. She told me with a straight face not to be afraid, because "She doesn't bite." FML

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By soapisyourfriend - United States - Ashland

Today, cable was installed at my house and the cable guy smelled like some horrid mix of cabbage and cheese. I'm pregnant and suffering from morning sickness. I've sprayed air freshener, lit candles, and opened windows despite the cold outside. I can't get rid of the smell. FML

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By INeedMoney - United States

Today, I just finished my first week of unemployment. I don't have any money. I also just finished the last toilet paper roll. FML

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By Off to Canada - Hong Kong - Kowloon

Today, my class was given the assignment to have an informal discussion, debating who would be the best fit for president of the US. The school's security guards were called in after the Trump supporters started fights with everyone else. FML

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By Bob smith - Australia

Today, it was my first day working as a nightclub bartender. All through the evening, a really creepy bloke stood in a dark corner and leered at the girls on the dance floor. When I took the bouncer to one side to let him know, he told me the man was a coat stand. FML

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By tortureromoretorture - United States - West Islip

Today, after twelve straight hours of work, my fourteen year old son surprised me with a broken window and a cracked TV. He said, "I was swatting away a fly." FML

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By Yudor - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that she woke up after yesterday’s party with someone else’s trousers. FML

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26391

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 02:08 - Canada

Cougar

Today, I was at the laundromat doing laundry with my mom when the guy running the place asked if we were "together". I thought this was just because of Covid and social distancing, but it turns out he thought my mom was my wife. FML

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By b. - Australia

Today, I was going shopping with a friend. I got up to get off the train and landed on my ass. Not only had I walked into the metal bar, I'd broken my $800 glasses, and the train doors had closed, with my friend on the other side of the doors. FML

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By esb - Canada

Today, I finally had sex with this great guy I've been seeing. I thought I'd found a catch. We get into his room, start kissing, and things heat up. Everything is perfect until he reaches under his bed, pulls out a doughnut and shoves it into my mouth, snarling, "eat it, eat it!" FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 23:01

That's a new one!

Today, I found out that the guy I was talking to for over a year, who told me he was dying from Covid, is perfectly fine and he just didn't want to talk to me anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my sister stopped by to visit me with her pet bird in tow. She asked me to hold the animal while she went to the toilet, and put it on my shoulder. It promptly shat on my only clean shirt and tore away a good deal of skin from my hand when I tried to get it off me. FML

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By TheoBuckner - United States

Today, I found out that I was being laid off via an email that wasn't even spell checked. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Morristown

Today, I discovered that in the three days I left my 18-year-old son in charge, my dog had gotten pregnant. When I confronted my son about it, he stated, "I don't want the reputation of being a cock-blocker." FML

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By golfstar11 - United States - Savannah

Today, I was doing a presentation in front of my boss. On the last slide, someone had put a picture of a man's cock. I later found out it was my boss who did it. It was his "good reason" to fire me. FML

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By Heinz - Canada - Mississauga

Today, the highlight of my day was that I could afford name-brand ketchup. FML

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26084

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 23:01 - Germany - Zittau

I was bored before I even began

Today, my ex started our conversation with, "How are you?" I asked whether this was just a way of greeting me, or if he genuinely wanted to know. He affirmed that he really wanted to know, then proceeded to talk about his work for the next two hours. FML

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713

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got fired from my job. My manager found Facebook pictures of me drinking underage at a party. He said he didn't want "that kind of image" associated with the business. It was his birthday party. He supplied the booze. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2020 02:01

Sounds like a catch

Today, I accidentally got pregnant by my boyfriend of three years and now I’m 4 months pregnant, single and we don’t even talk anymore. The best part is that he doesn’t believe I’m pregnant, nor that it’s his. FML

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1020

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By pandaface - United Kingdom

Today, to wipe his crack, my boyfriend is still using a newspaper that I left there when he first started refusing to buy toilet paper. FML

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27599

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By LieutenantDimwit - 30/4/2021 18:01 - Jordan

Teenagers…

Today, my uncle picked up a tissue box and threw it at my sister for fun. My sister got mad and yeeted the box at me. I reacted with the same action, but she lost her crap and kicked and punched me. When I reported the incident to my parents, I get berated and my sister got away with it. FML

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By HR - United States

Today, I had two of my wisdom teeth removed. One side of my face is completely swollen, and the other is normal. I feel like the elephant man. FML

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22825

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By Anonymous - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, once again, I explained that yes, I'm Russian. No, I'm not a communist. No, I don't pray to a picture of Putin riding a bear. And no, I don't have any vodka on me. FML

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34187

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By EmberLove - United States

Today, my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend got into a fight about when my birthday is. They were both wrong. FML

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46343

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By Anonymous - United States - Ashburn

Today, my parents pranked me hard. They spent breakfast messing with my head, all to convince me that I was dreaming. I got so excited at finally having a lucid dream that I ran outside in my pajamas, yelling "Woo-hoo!" and trying to fly. Nothing happened. People saw. FML

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16851

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By TaintedL0v3 - United Kingdom - London

Heavy session last night?

Today, I woke up with Chocolate Buttons superglued to my face. FML

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1135

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By DarkMaskDiva

Vicious circle

Today, I found out the medication my doctor gave me for depression is making me fat. My main reason for depression is an eating disorder. Now, I'm fat instead of just thinking I am. FML

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1755

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By The Seamstress - United States - Irving

Today, while sewing, I learned that I cannot hold pins in my mouth and chew gum at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2010

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5382

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By buttcrack - United States

Today, I got fired. To make things worse, I had to sit in three-hour bumper to bumper traffic, waiting for a wreck to clear on my way home. In front of me was a fat man with a hairy butt crack on a motorcycle. I was forced to stare at a fat, underwear-less man's ass for 3 hours. FML

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30122

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Top comments

By spady62287 | 0

#1589006 - Saturday 23 October 2010 8:46

aww...somebody is insecure.
take it as a compliment.
she didn't want her boyfriend hitting on you.

unless your sister is a jerk. and you have been called that all your life. punch her in the face.

By krushr | 3

#1589026 - Saturday 23 October 2010 8:49

You should have replied "yeah, neither is he!"

COMMENTS

By spady62287 | 0

#1589006 - Saturday 23 October 2010 8:46

aww...somebody is insecure.
take it as a compliment.
she didn't want her boyfriend hitting on you.

unless your sister is a jerk. and you have been called that all your life. punch her in the face.

stephanie0613 | 0

#1589068 - Saturday 23 October 2010 9:04

Kick your sisters ass, hahah what a bitch. She is your sister she is supposed to say that you are pretty :) ha

Mewzakuro240 | 0

#1589094 - Saturday 23 October 2010 9:12

What world do you live in miss? Since when are sisters supposed to LIKE each other, let alone give the other a compliment of any sort...?

dcam13 | 19

#1589226 - Saturday 23 October 2010 10:25

on the bright side apparently you could look uglier... ahah

KingDingALing | 9

#1589619 - Saturday 23 October 2010 15:00

12- A person who has a healthy relationship with their sister. Not all siblings are assholes.

trueblue42 | 4

#1589714 - Saturday 23 October 2010 15:34

that HAD TO have been a joke..... I just can't imagine someone saying that out loud and be serious. he must have a great sense of humor.

UnicornsDoExist | 0

#1590783 - Saturday 23 October 2010 19:26

Maybe she was jealous of your looks, and tried to convince him you were fugly. In that case, it was a compliment (;

krazygirl100 | 9

#2340457 - Tuesday 12 April 2011 23:49

ur not that ugly :D be happy

By Xavi89 | 0

#1589015 - Saturday 23 October 2010 8:47

damn! you should slap your sister down!!!!

crazychick1269 | 7

#3109046 - Sunday 14 August 2011 23:07

haha I wouldn't do that even though my sister would probly say something like that...

AFloppyWetWhale | 6

#4687921 - Sunday 15 July 2012 1:07

Yeah I would too to be honest

By mintcar | 9

#1589019 - Saturday 23 October 2010 8:48

Just get over it.

venomxprodigy | 0

#1604778 - Tuesday 26 October 2010 6:37

you are gorgeous

By krushr | 3

#1589026 - Saturday 23 October 2010 8:49

You should have replied "yeah, neither is he!"

makemeasandwich | 0

#1589074 - Saturday 23 October 2010 9:09

WIN

EffinAhole | 0

#1589162 - Saturday 23 October 2010 9:44

win!

BlackMoon_fml | 9

#1590550 - Saturday 23 October 2010 18:13

Rofl. Win.

nkt_19 | 0

#1592587 - Sunday 24 October 2010 3:34

nicee! win.

Hunter148Cassie | 0

#1593630 - Sunday 24 October 2010 8:09

I can't believe I'm gonna say this but that's a win :)

By paramedig_gurl87 | 0

#1589030 - Saturday 23 October 2010 8:50

Wow, that sucks.

By blacknazi818 | 0

#1589039 - Saturday 23 October 2010 8:53

fuckin kill that bastard and chop his balls off and sell them on ebay.
im down to buy em.....no homo nigga

By OopsieDaisies | 0

#1589043 - Saturday 23 October 2010 8:53

Aww. Thats so messed up

By iRun4Rice | 0

#1589085 - Saturday 23 October 2010 9:11

i wudda slap that woman silly.

By Charlotteeexx | 0

#1589167 - Saturday 23 October 2010 9:45

well at least it's flattering that he doesn't find you 'that ugly'

By JAFA | 2

#1589172 - Saturday 23 October 2010 9:47

People talk shit behind eachothers backs all the time. The boyfriend is the retard in this situation.

ColetteL | 4

#1589292 - Saturday 23 October 2010 11:19

sadly you are correct - the bf should have had enough common sense not to say it in front of her