Valentine's slay, The first time we met and Animals: Today, a cute girl asked if my dog was available for a date on...

By Doggotmytongue - United States - Peoria

Today, a cute girl asked if my dog was available for a date on Valentine's Day. Thinking I was in luck, I asked if I should come along. She said no. My dog has better game than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31278

You deserved it

6714

Favorite

Valentine's slay

The first time we met

Animals

Sorry…

The Terminator

CIA-level batshittery

By leaf hater - United States

Today, my elderly neighbor used his snowblower to send all of the fallen leaves in his yard into mine, which I'd raked earlier that morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26877

You deserved it

2357

Favorite

By AgentFreshers - United States

Today, my mother resolved to never visit McDonald's again. Not because of ethics or health concerns, but because they charged her for extra barbecue sauce. She bitched out the man in the drive-through for a good five minutes, while I sat awkwardly in the passenger's seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32331

You deserved it

3272

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my younger cousin bought his girlfriend of 3 months a bunch of flowers. The only flower I've ever got from my boyfriend of 3 years is a plastic one he found on the floor in a bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27423

You deserved it

4440

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after I requested a sick day, a very close co-worker texted her boyfriend that I'm a bitch for pretending to have the same rare illness that she recently suffered. She said it was unlikely, disrespectful and unfair that I didn't even look sick. I know this because she texted me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27148

You deserved it

2788

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, after having spent days working on it, I finished off a really elaborate seasonal greetings card for my boss. When I gave it to him, he took one look at it, flicked it in his trash can and said, "Fuck off, Steve." So much for a Christmas bonus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23455

You deserved it

19000

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 02:02

Great speech, thanks!

Today, my biologist father had a slide show and speech prepared for my wedding. It started with, “40 years ago, there was a tree here”. I thought this would relate to me or the wedding at some point. 45 minutes later, I had to admit that it didn’t. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1602

You deserved it

126

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I caught my 7 year old sister poking a dead bird with a stick, causing maggots to start coming out of the bird's sad little body. I was horrified and threw up. She won't stop mocking me for being a "sissy". FML

I agree, your life sucks

19202

You deserved it

3934

Favorite

By hugs511 - United States

Today, I spent my date night babysitting. After waiting three hours later than I was supposed, the mother finally gets home at 11, too late for me to get out and have any fun. Already annoyed, I take the money as she says, "I hope this is enough, I got hungry and spent some of your money." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52486

You deserved it

3133

Favorite

By Rev - United States

Today, I was working at Coldstone. When a customer tips us we are required to sing. A late night DJ came in, put 20 dollars in the tip cup, and asked to hear every song we had. After we sang one song he looked at me and asked me to please stop singing or he was taking his money back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63008

You deserved it

8952

Favorite

By ouch - United Kingdom

Today, I was preparing for a huge party I've been looking forward to for months. I did all the usual things a girl should do, put on a facemask, painted my nails, exfoliated... I was feeling confident until I peeled off the facemask. I guess when it said "vibrant" what it meant was bright red. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26081

You deserved it

8458

Favorite

By StillBetterThanTwilight - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my boyfriend told me that he had once been possessed by demons, and that he now sleeps with a knife under his pillow for protection from, "The dark spirits that are feasting upon his soul." I'm not sure that I'll be sleeping over anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24493

You deserved it

2584

Favorite

By Just..why

Today, I ran a mile for my gym class. While I managed to cut two minutes off my time, a few minutes later I felt dizzy and nauseous, which I thought was because I pushed myself too hard. I collapsed and vomited in front of everyone. Not a single person moved to help me. Not even the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2290

You deserved it

184

Favorite

By shrek - United States - Chattanooga

Today, my mother and I were watching a movie. She got up to go to bed, and I blurted out, "Please don't leave me." Her response: "You really need a boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks

13339

You deserved it

2043

Favorite

By Username

Today, at the beach, I swam pretty far out into the ocean. I ended up getting pummelled by the waves and got a painful cramp in my leg. The whole beach watched me flail and scream, while my friends rolled their eyes as they dragged me out of the water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1354

You deserved it

878

Favorite

By KiwiBlam - New Zealand

Today, I was racing some mates to the beach and I decided to take a short-cut by jumping over a low wall. I didn't realise the wall was to stop people falling into the stormwater drain. Which is 3 metres deep. And has razor-sharp oysters growing at the bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18352

You deserved it

39839

Favorite

By mystery - United States - Minot

Today, I found out that I take long enough showers for my boyfriend to sleep with my sister and put everything back to normal before I get out. I found out when I needed more shampoo that was in a shopping bag in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70446

You deserved it

5866

Favorite

By teinage - Belgium

Today, some kids stole all four wheels off my car. They were nice enough to leave a note and some money though, "for the bus". FML

I agree, your life sucks

37697

You deserved it

3093

Favorite

By jsmills92 - United States - Cranston

Today, I once again walked in on my husband eating our cat's food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38338

You deserved it

4422

Favorite

By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, a girl I met recently asked if I wanted to go jogging with her, and I excitedly agreed. A while into our run, I ran out of breath and doubled over panting, all while she kept jogging and slowly disappeared down the street. What a way to spend time together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44365

You deserved it

9174

Favorite

By tycrist8 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my family and I were driving and we passed a strip club called DB's Golden Banana. My 5-year-old sister asked what it was, so my dad said it was a place where people dance. Now my sister keeps telling people she wants to be a dancer at DB's Golden Banana. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28607

You deserved it

3132

Favorite

By Branski - United States

Today, at a campfire, I whipped out my guitar to serenade this girl I like with a Nick Drake song. When I was done, she said it was nice, but that my singing voice sounds a bit like the Swedish Chef from the Muppet Show. A couple of people nearby burst out laughing in agreement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29568

You deserved it

6921

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, after 6 months abroad, I finally got home to the airport at 5 a.m. where my parents were supposed to be picking me up. I called my mother to let her know I'd landed. She picked up with a sleepy voice and asked, "Who is this?" I'm an only child and we live 2 hours away from the airport. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1511

You deserved it

133

Favorite

By Imgonnahaveabf - United States

Today, my parents got a new dog. It attacks me every time I laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32319

You deserved it

3590

Favorite

By anonymous - 15/11/2020 05:02 - United States

Don't blame me

Today, I got suspended from school for smoking in the stairs. I'm grounded for a month without my phone, TV or any type of social connection. All of this would seem like a fair enough punishment if I actually smoked, but instead I just smell like my parent's second-hand smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1370

You deserved it

110

Favorite

By citylife - United States

Today, I realized how tiny my apartment is, when I was able to vacuum from bedroom to bathroom through the living room without switching the power outlet from the one in the kitchen. I pay a fortune to live in this shoebox. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46620

You deserved it

10027

Favorite

By KBO - Australia

Today, I woke up hungover and thirsty, I found a glass of water next to the sink, filled it up with more water, chugged it and went back to bed. I woke up an hour later to my best friend telling me she thought she lost her contacts. They were in a glass next to the sink. I ate her contacts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32998

You deserved it

43269

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, while my mother was driving me to school, her coffee started to spill. So like a normal parent, she held it over my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30476

You deserved it

2280

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my sister and I were sick of living with each other, so we'd decided to go on separate holidays. I get to my hotel, then an hour later she rocks up to the very same hotel to check in. She'd booked her holiday using a magazine she'd stolen from my room, and ended up in the exact same place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1978

You deserved it

260

Favorite

By Jammy238 - France

Today, I was taking my dogs for a walk, then it started to rain, and the wind went mad. I ran for cover in the trees near a bridge, slipped and fell into a river. I was soaking wet and my boots were full of water. Then to get back out of the river, I had to use stinging nettles as hand holds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28613

You deserved it

3717

Favorite

By clair_brodie

Today, as I was putting some dishes away, I spilled water on the floor. While walking around the dishwasher, I slipped on said water, and after going to urgent care, found out I tore my meniscus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1458

You deserved it

198

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I pulled into a parking lot and waited for a car to back out so I could take their spot. The apparently batshit insane psychopath in the other car managed to completely overlook me waving him out, and backed straight into my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23185

You deserved it

5044

Favorite

By arianelagolden

Today, I see our boss, visiting from USA, press the button on the coffee machine, probably thinking the cup will drop automatically. No time to explain, I grab a cup in the cupboard and put it under the now pouring coffee. Next thing I know, I'm lying on the floor, my boss's bodyguard on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17683

You deserved it

1313

Favorite

By suppressinggags - United States - Kennett

Today, I found out that my stepsister loves sticking random household objects in her ear in an attempt to collect ear wax. I found out when I walked in on her trying to pick all the wax out of the bristles of my toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19445

You deserved it

1226

Favorite

By Noname - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when I passed a construction site. All of the workers started making a fuss and whistling, etc. Naturally, I got very flustered. I stood still for a second and faced them. One yelled for me to move because I was in the way of a girl at a stop light. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64837

You deserved it

14189

Favorite

By Brittany - United States - Kerrville

Today, I failed my driving test. I rammed into the parallel parking poles, ran a stop sign, and stopped at a cross intersection. My instructor called me an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7264

You deserved it

56384

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, I was at the reading of my grandma's will. Apparently I was removed from it some time ago, and the £2,500 I would have gotten went to my cheating bitch of an ex-fiancée. It seems my grandma adored her, and never forgave me for "driving her away" from the family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52038

You deserved it

5209

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I put a magnet on my brand new car. I got rear-ended by someone who was trying to read it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3109

You deserved it

832

Favorite

By kinky pinky - 2/9/2020 05:02 - United States

Lowkey

Today, my husband threw a fit because I dyed my hair bright magenta. Funny, I actually dyed it three days ago. He literally just noticed. Shows how much attention he pays me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1640

You deserved it

223

Favorite

By ohmygoodness - United States

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's place with grumbling stomach pains. I left him in bed to go have explosive diarreah in the bathroom next to his room. When I was done, I came back to bed and snuggled in next to his sleeping form and he rolled over to whisper, "I heard everthing." FML

I agree, your life sucks

80241

You deserved it

17198

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, working midnight at a coffee shop, I had a customer set down his phone on the counter to pay. Screen up. Still playing his, "Ebony Rimjob" porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5217

You deserved it

378

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By cliffibom | 15

#5366086 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 8:57

Seems like she is into beastiality so I think you would rather not go along

By ollie179 | 21

#5366111 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:07

Please stop laughing your ass off, you're making a mess.

COMMENTS

By magymofucka | 9

#5366084 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 8:55

lol, why tf is this person trying to set up a date for their dog? lmaoo.

ollie179 | 21

#5366111 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:07

Please stop laughing your ass off, you're making a mess.

cBlackout | 13

#5366161 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:53

Your stupid is showing, 1.

ElementaryEdGuy | 18

#5366527 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 17:22

Gosh, 1. I just cleaned this carpet!

By cliffibom | 15

#5366086 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 8:57

Seems like she is into beastiality so I think you would rather not go along

eksyneet | 23

#5366395 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 14:44

bestiality*

sux4u121 | 10

#5366704 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 20:28

*beastiality

Sillydeadperson | 17

#5366726 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 21:01

That's actually how it is spelled.

By mjspoons | 6

#5366087 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 8:59

Don't let your dog go who knows what she might do to him!

pickles1994 | 18

#5366115 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:09

Or what she'll let the dog do to her. :o

etchsanity1 | 11

#5366374 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 14:16

Watch out she's got peanut butter

By apollojon | 11

#5366089 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 8:59

Now aint that a real bitch ;)

gc327072 | 29

#5367129 - Thursday 14 February 2013 4:36

....Somebody doin something slick!

Downtoooowwnnn...

By JR_Goes_Rawr | 11

#5366090 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:00

Did she have a dog as well? If not she takes doggy style a little too serious.

By DinosaurTacoTime | 18

#5366091 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:00

How would the dog get to his date without you? Dognapping? Did you teach him to drive??? Or would she pick him up? Because then you'd still be there.

By btstig | 11

#5366097 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:02

Ask if she needs a camera man?

Eluveitie | 9

#5366296 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 12:55

No?

By karlcolt45 | 19

#5366105 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:05

I bet they stay avoid the cheap laughs and hit it missionary

By Incredidanny | 5

#5366108 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:06

What a "bitch."

apollojon | 11

#5366131 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:20

I seem to recall seeing this comment before. Somewhere....

Incredidanny | 5

#5366550 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 17:41

Oh, sorry. I didn't see your comment up there. It was late when I posted.

TheElBurrrito | 21

#5368691 - Friday 15 February 2013 12:20

Apollojon, your comment made my night. I'm not really sure why I laughed so hard, but I assure you I laughed a lot harder than I should have.

By klovemachine | 24

#5366120 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:13

The dog must have taken OP's swag :-D lol