Today, a cute girl asked if my dog was available for a date on...

By Doggotmytongue - United States - Peoria

Today, a cute girl asked if my dog was available for a date on Valentine's Day. Thinking I was in luck, I asked if I should come along. She said no. My dog has better game than I do. FML

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Valentine's slay

The first time we met

Animals

Serious times

Dangling modifier

Yeah, fuck the poor

By magicman - United States

Today, while riding my bike on the sidewalk, I came across a ladder. To avoid bad luck, I swerved around it into the street. I got hit by a car. FML

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By Leashaness - United States

Today, my doctor informed me that the pea-sized bump under my arm is a "third breast". That is not what I meant every time I said I wanted more tits. FML

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By HT BaaFly - United Kingdom

Today, after months of unemployment, my only social interaction was with my postman. FML

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By Shoes - United States

Today, I was helping an old man find a pair of shoes. I told him about a particularly comfortable pair but had to inform him that they only came in black or white. Hearing this, the old man grabbed me around the neck and began to beat me in the head with our display shoe. He wanted brown. FML

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By gtfoocd - United States

Today, my extremely OCD girlfriend wouldn't have sex with me because my bedroom wasn't "properly symmetrical." FML

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By girlfriday - United Kingdom

Today, my left-handed boss needed PC help. I said "right-click for the menu." She said nothing happened. Three times we went through this. Eventually I went over, asking her to show me what she did. She was using her right hand on the left mouse button. She earns £10,000 more than me. FML

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By Brittanyy_leigh - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the beach. I though he was being really sweet by putting sunscreen on my back as I layed on my stomach. I got home later, and felt that my back was sore. Then I saw the giant penis on my back that been burnt in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I didn't call her in the last few days. I tried to explain to her that I was out at my grandfather's house in a remote place with no cell service to stand by him on his death bed. She thought I was making excuses and called me a lying bastard. FML

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By Brian - United States - Sandston

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house having dinner with her and her parents. I was casually playing footsie with my girlfriend under the table, until her mom stopped eating and said, "You know that's my foot, right?" FML

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By P0wned - France

Today, in the middle of the night, I was punched in the face by my frightened girlfriend, who had just been awoken by her own fart. FML

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By Nancy - United States

Today, I came home and noticed that sometime while I was at school, someone cut off half of my ponytail. FML

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By Bad Dad - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML

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By MariadelMar - United States

Today, I flew 8 hours to visit my boyfriend. When I arrived at the airport, and he started taking long to show up, I checked my email to see the info. I hit the junk mail by accident and found his last 10 emails in there. He had broken up with me a week ago. FML

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By Please go home

Today, has been the third week my boyfriend's best friend has been sleeping on our bedroom floor because he doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions back at his parents' place. My boyfriend sees no problem with this, and says he can stay and live off us as long as he wants. FML

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By raebay - United States

Today, after I bathed my nine month old, I laid her on my bed to grab a diaper. I turned around to see that she'd peed on my comforter. I then put her in her playpen to put my cover in the wash. I came back into the room to get her, and saw she'd taken off her diaper. She'd crapped in her playpen. FML

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By AnRom - United States

Today, I spent five minutes trying to kill a spider with my mind. FML

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By ugly - United States

Today, a total stranger on the bus called me hideous and threw a soda in my face. I only asked him if the seat next to him was taken. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2020 20:00

Underestimated overachiever

Today, I told my cousin I was admitted to a top MBA program. He asked if it was an online-only certificate program. FML

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By lady parts - United States - Lake Bluff

Today, I was being interviewed for a grant over the phone. When asked why I wanted to go to school to be an OB nursing assistant, I panicked and yelled, "BECAUSE VAGINAS ARE FASCINATING!" into the receiver. FML

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By poor guy - 13/3/2020 05:16 - United States

Good deed, but still…

Today, I was at Goodwill and I saw my bike, which was stolen from me a couple of weeks ago. It was a gift that my mom gave me for my birthday. The bike was being sold for 65 dollars. I had to buy it. FML

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By TuralSucks - United States

Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

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By Meowit - United States - Livonia

Today, it's my birthday, and everyone, family and friends, forgot. Except my dog who left me a present on my bed. FML

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By tkrause - Canada - Nelson

Today, my boyfriend came over with a hickey on his neck. He thinks "The vacuum did it" is a believable excuse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bloomdale

Today, my husband and I switched phones by accident. I've already received several naked pictures from one of his co-workers. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Mandeville

Today, my dad read that if you pass gas from both ends at the same time it will create a vacuum inside your body and you'll implode. I can't convince him otherwise. FML

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By only1bigdogme - United States

Today, I tried to scare a new college friend by sneaking up behind her wearing a mask. It worked. And so did her lightning fast reflexes developed from multiple martial arts championships. My 2 cracked ribs, broken nose and bruised ballsack can now be added to her list of achievements. FML

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By AK-47 - United States - Farmington

Today, I dropped my phone in the toilet in a public restroom. That would have been bad enough, without the guy in the next stall saying, "Jesus! What the hell did you eat?!" FML

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By rmb131 - Canada

Today, I went to the dentist. He asked me to lean my head closer to him so he could get a better look at my teeth. He was hard. FML

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By ilovezim29 - United States - Windsor

Today, I went to Safeway. The security guard wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. When I confronted him about it he told me that they looked fake and he was making sure I didn't stuff my bra with stolen items. FML

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By Pain - United States

Today, I accidentally dropped my cigarette down my shirt. There are now two unsightly, painful burns right in the center of my chest. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I texted a girl who I had hooked up with the night before to see if she wanted to hang out again. She responded, "I think we should keep it the way it was, before last night." I just met her last night. FML

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By horribleday - United States - Ozark

Today, my husband stood me up for his birthday dinner, that I'd made, in our house. FML

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By NoBalls - United States

Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one." FML

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By Anonymous - France - Bourges

Today, my boyfriend still won't talk to me, after I caused him the "worst embarrassment" of his life in front of his friends. What did I do wrong? I joined their conversation and ended up confusing the fictional characters of Gollum and Yoda with one another. FML

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By Trash - France

Today, a girl was coming on to me throughout an entire concert, giving me drinks. At the end of the evening, she gave me her MSN address so that we could do other things together. Thanks to all the drinks I'd had, I forgot her address. FML

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By NoTalkAllGame - United States - Horsham

Today, it's been five days since my roommate last talked to me. Although she's not communicating with me verbally, she's excelling at non-verbal communication: slamming doors and drawers, and watching loud videos, all while I desperately try to study. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Peters

Today, I finally stood up to the guy who's been bullying me for the last 2 years. Even though he's been caught in the act several times, he never gets punished, so I figured I'd get away with gut-punching him. Nope. An hour later, I was suspended from school. FML

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By Owww

Today, I went to the dentist at 8:30 for a check up. I walked out at 2:00 with a root canal and several thousand dollars in debt. I guess I'm not having a wedding this year or quitting the job I hate. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was shopping in an upscale store. As I was changing, I heard one of the snobby saleswomen say to mine "You shouldn't bother. She isn't going to buy anything." Determined to "show her", I purchased everything I'd tried on. It came to around $500. My credit card was declined. FML

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By dazzla08

Today, in front of my family, my brother's wife announced that she was pregnant with their first child. Everyone joked around and said I was next. Two weeks ago I found out that I'm sterile. FML

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Top comments

By cliffibom | 15

#5366086 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 8:57

Seems like she is into beastiality so I think you would rather not go along

By ollie179 | 21

#5366111 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:07

Please stop laughing your ass off, you're making a mess.

COMMENTS

By magymofucka | 9

#5366084 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 8:55

lol, why tf is this person trying to set up a date for their dog? lmaoo.

ollie179 | 21

#5366111 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:07

Please stop laughing your ass off, you're making a mess.

cBlackout | 13

#5366161 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:53

Your stupid is showing, 1.

ElementaryEdGuy | 18

#5366527 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 17:22

Gosh, 1. I just cleaned this carpet!

By cliffibom | 15

#5366086 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 8:57

Seems like she is into beastiality so I think you would rather not go along

eksyneet | 23

#5366395 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 14:44

bestiality*

sux4u121 | 10

#5366704 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 20:28

*beastiality

Sillydeadperson | 17

#5366726 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 21:01

That's actually how it is spelled.

By mjspoons | 6

#5366087 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 8:59

Don't let your dog go who knows what she might do to him!

pickles1994 | 18

#5366115 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:09

Or what she'll let the dog do to her. :o

etchsanity1 | 11

#5366374 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 14:16

Watch out she's got peanut butter

By apollojon | 11

#5366089 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 8:59

Now aint that a real bitch ;)

gc327072 | 29

#5367129 - Thursday 14 February 2013 4:36

....Somebody doin something slick!

Downtoooowwnnn...

By JR_Goes_Rawr | 11

#5366090 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:00

Did she have a dog as well? If not she takes doggy style a little too serious.

By DinosaurTacoTime | 18

#5366091 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:00

How would the dog get to his date without you? Dognapping? Did you teach him to drive??? Or would she pick him up? Because then you'd still be there.

By btstig | 11

#5366097 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:02

Ask if she needs a camera man?

Eluveitie | 9

#5366296 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 12:55

No?

By karlcolt45 | 19

#5366105 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:05

I bet they stay avoid the cheap laughs and hit it missionary

By Incredidanny | 5

#5366108 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:06

What a "bitch."

apollojon | 11

#5366131 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:20

I seem to recall seeing this comment before. Somewhere....

Incredidanny | 5

#5366550 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 17:41

Oh, sorry. I didn't see your comment up there. It was late when I posted.

TheElBurrrito | 21

#5368691 - Friday 15 February 2013 12:20

Apollojon, your comment made my night. I'm not really sure why I laughed so hard, but I assure you I laughed a lot harder than I should have.

By klovemachine | 24

#5366120 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:13

The dog must have taken OP's swag :-D lol