Today, a cute girl asked if my dog was available for a date on...

By Doggotmytongue - 12/2/2013 21:50 - United States - Peoria

Today, a cute girl asked if my dog was available for a date on Valentine's Day. Thinking I was in luck, I asked if I should come along. She said no. My dog has better game than I do. FML

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Valentine's slay

The first time we met

Animals

Ghosted

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

The student becomes the master

By CassafrasSss - 2/2/2017 07:00 - United States - Naperville

Today, after months of hard work, planning, and preparation, I held the reception for my first art show at a gallery. Nobody showed up. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2012 04:29 - Canada - Montreal

Today, my son, who seems to think that he is a "gangsta" despite being a white boy from the suburbs, cried because I accidentally burned his grilled cheese. He's 28. FML

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By lovesucks - 18/12/2009 20:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that the most kisses I ever get are in text messages from my Dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2019 00:01

Today, my landlord asked me to get rid of the flower boxes I have at the window in the stairwell. Why? Because they are disgusting. Why are they disgusting? Because his cat keeps using them as a litter box. FML

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By bad boss - 3/4/2018 01:30

Today, I had to reprimand an employee for her bad attitude and terrible work performance. She went to HR and said I harassed her for being gay. Guess who they believed. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2014 00:03 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my girlfriend told me that she is pregnant. I asked how it could be possible, since she's on birth control. She said she didn't know her antibiotics would interfere with it. She's a pharmacist. FML

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By Duckie W - 13/2/2009 01:24 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my sister about how jealous I was of her looks. Her response was "Sometimes it's okay to be the ugly sister. Like, you have less of a chance of getting raped." FML

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By Caci Johnson - 15/10/2017 04:30

Today, I sat down at my computer for the first time in a week, and discovered that my cat threw up all over my keyboard. I needed to write up an important document but the chunks were stuck down in the keys, effectively locking it up and making it useless. FML

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By AtLeastHaveADecientExcuse - 28/8/2013 13:25

Today, my first date in years cancelled on me because she has to "wash the horse's hair." The date was arranged for 9:30pm. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 06:20 - United States

Today, while socializing after a church service, I discovered I'm still referred to as "Fireshit's brother", after an incident a year ago which involved my sister screaming "the devil is coming out of my anus!" from the lavatory. FML

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By Zamaria - 2/10/2009 22:23 - France

Today, I was woken up from a nap by my cat attacking my face. Evidently, my husband thought it would be funny to shine a laser pointer on my cheek. FML

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By anonyme - 21/6/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend's virginity. A few minutes in she remarked, "If this is what sex is normally like then I'm seriously disappointed." FML

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By sad as shit - 1/1/2016 00:41 - United States - Conway

Today, my life finally seemed to be getting on track after recovering from major depression, paying off most of my debt, and scoring an amazing job. And then I woke up. FML

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By no love - 1/1/2016 22:41 - United States

Today, I celebrated my 4-year anniversary with my girlfriend. We didn't have sex and we didn't even kiss. All I got to do was cuddle the stuffed Minion she got me for Christmas. FML

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By - 6/12/2019 20:00

He leads a double life

Today, I met my boyfriends family, his mother asked me if I am the girl who drives a Jeep that he had been sneaking in every night. But, I drive a Honda. FML

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By justkillm3 - 13/5/2010 04:07 - United States

Today, I came home after ten hours at work to find my unemployed wife and 4 kids sprawled out watching TV waiting for me to get home and cook for them. I had to wash all the dishes first because they didn't feel like getting up or helping. FML

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By aere - 27/1/2009 12:24 - United States

Today, three girls introduced themselves to me. I had met all of them before. FML

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By chrisinator - 11/10/2016 04:21 - United States - Woodside

Today, I turned on my furnace when I got home from work for the first time this season. Only problem? Cats. Our kitten Norman has never heard a furnace in his life and Noel has just forgotten what a furnace sounds like. Both cats are terrified and won't stop yelping. I just want to sleep. FML

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By ohno - 17/3/2015 20:35 - United States - Spring Lake

Today, for the second time, I had an argument with my mother about whether William Shakespeare was a real person or not. FML

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By fffmmll - 21/3/2011 16:58 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2015 21:20 - United States - Helena

Today, I was talking to an old man I met at a store. He just wanted to know a few things, and he asked about my day. I explained a few bad things that'd happened, then I thanked him for listening. He then asked, "So, how are we gonna do this?" He thought we were gonna fuck. FML

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By nancie - 2/8/2018 20:30

Today, while I was at work, my husband threw out 50 out of my 70 T-shirts, all of my tank tops, and all but one of my sweaters. I'm not getting them back because they're burning in a bonfire in the backyard. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2020 20:08

Long story short

Today, after I'd been on and off with this girl for 6 years, I finally proposed in October 2018 and she'd said yes. A year later we got a house. By March, she is seeing another girl. And now, we still live together. FML

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By subduedbeast - 27/10/2014 18:48 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend for what I thought would be a romantic horse-drawn carriage ride. We didn't expect the horse to die in the middle of it. FML

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By damnit - 16/10/2009 17:27 - United States

Today, I had a wet dream. The problem was that I was dreaming about watching porn. I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

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By AwkwardWaitress - 20/3/2011 23:29 - United Kingdom

Today, while serving drinks at work to a group of people getting tipsy on wine, I joked about it being obvious who the designated driver was to the only gentleman who'd been religiously sticking to coke all night. He coldly informed me that he was a recovering alcoholic. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2013 09:17 - United States

Today, I was lost in a foreign city so I asked a girl for directions. She replied, "Directions? ONE DIRECTION!" and started screaming in my face and jumping around. FML

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By thanks dad - 1/8/2020 02:02

In my day…

Today, we were slowly introducing my daughter to the pool to help her get over her terrible fear of water. My father-in-law scoffed, called us pussies, and tossed my daughter straight into the water. When I threw him out, he insisted he was just trying to teach her to swim "the right way." FML

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By KamiAzaaaaaa - 11/12/2015 16:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out my credit card was maxed out to the penny, all thanks to purchases made on an online wine store. Apparently my mother was thirsty enough to steal from her own son. FML

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By muskogee - 20/9/2019 16:00

Prince Charming

Today, my boyfriend wouldn’t stop smacking and slurping his food. I told him to at least chew with his mouth closed. He looked me dead in the eye, with a mouth full of chewed up pizza, and said, “No.” FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2011 20:26 - United States

Today, I had to convince my girlfriend that, no matter how much she makes herself burp, she won't lose any weight. She still doesn't understand why. FML

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By bullllllshittttt - 6/3/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, I went to a rave where apparently one of my favorite rappers was supposed to perform. I stood in line for 2 hours in the rain, got pushed and shoved, and had to witness a bunch of drunken idiots puke all over the place. Once I finally got to the front of the line, they closed the doors. FML

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By Merlin - 17/4/2012 17:37 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I got a one-inch fish bone stuck in my throat. I went to the doctor, who claimed he couldn't see the long white thing embedded next to my tonsil. He charged me $70, and told me to eat some bread. I had to pull it out myself with a pair of tweezers. FML

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By Unclean - 12/3/2020 18:58

Missing the point

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 6 months because I told him I loved him. Not because he felt any different than I did, but because the term "love" should be reserved for God, and not be said to mortals. FML

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By jennavankirk - 22/7/2010 23:08 - United States

Today, I lied to a group of 8 year olds about having a boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2011 12:55 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. My mum walked in and told him to pull out and show her that he was wearing a condom, and not just saying he was. FML

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By screwthewilderness - 4/10/2010 06:46 - United States

Today, I visited my vacation cabin. I've been planning to sell it, and it was in perfect condition when I last visited about 6 months ago. I walked in the door to find the floor covered in muddy pawprints and bloody remainders of meals. It appears some bears moved in during my absence. FML

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By aaaaahhhh - 6/4/2013 08:51 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, as a learner driver, I embarked on my longest drive ever: back home, from Sydney to Melbourne, which is around a 700km drive. I managed to get the whole way without any problems. I crashed into my driveway. FML

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By NotAnExcuse - 7/11/2012 05:58 - United States

Today, a woman on the train demanded I give up my seat for her, claiming it was for people with disabilities. Tired from a long day at work, and seeing she had nothing wrong with her, I asked what her disability was. Apparently, obesity is one. FML

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By clean - 16/9/2013 07:51 - Australia - Ashfield

Today, I walked in the bathroom to find my son cleaning his penis. It wouldn't have been so bad if he wasn't cleaning it with a toothbrush. FML

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Top comments

By cliffibom | 15

#5366086 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 8:57

Seems like she is into beastiality so I think you would rather not go along

By ollie179 | 21

#5366111 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:07

Please stop laughing your ass off, you're making a mess.

COMMENTS

By magymofucka | 9

#5366084 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 8:55

lol, why tf is this person trying to set up a date for their dog? lmaoo.

ollie179 | 21

#5366111 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:07

Please stop laughing your ass off, you're making a mess.

cBlackout | 13

#5366161 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:53

Your stupid is showing, 1.

ElementaryEdGuy | 18

#5366527 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 17:22

Gosh, 1. I just cleaned this carpet!

By cliffibom | 15

#5366086 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 8:57

Seems like she is into beastiality so I think you would rather not go along

eksyneet | 23

#5366395 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 14:44

bestiality*

sux4u121 | 10

#5366704 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 20:28

*beastiality

Sillydeadperson | 17

#5366726 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 21:01

That's actually how it is spelled.

By mjspoons | 6

#5366087 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 8:59

Don't let your dog go who knows what she might do to him!

pickles1994 | 18

#5366115 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:09

Or what she'll let the dog do to her. :o

etchsanity1 | 11

#5366374 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 14:16

Watch out she's got peanut butter

By apollojon | 11

#5366089 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 8:59

Now aint that a real bitch ;)

gc327072 | 29

#5367129 - Thursday 14 February 2013 4:36

....Somebody doin something slick!

Downtoooowwnnn...

By JR_Goes_Rawr | 11

#5366090 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:00

Did she have a dog as well? If not she takes doggy style a little too serious.

By DinosaurTacoTime | 18

#5366091 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:00

How would the dog get to his date without you? Dognapping? Did you teach him to drive??? Or would she pick him up? Because then you'd still be there.

By btstig | 11

#5366097 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:02

Ask if she needs a camera man?

Eluveitie | 9

#5366296 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 12:55

No?

By karlcolt45 | 19

#5366105 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:05

I bet they stay avoid the cheap laughs and hit it missionary

By Incredidanny | 5

#5366108 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:06

What a "bitch."

apollojon | 11

#5366131 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:20

I seem to recall seeing this comment before. Somewhere....

Incredidanny | 5

#5366550 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 17:41

Oh, sorry. I didn't see your comment up there. It was late when I posted.

TheElBurrrito | 21

#5368691 - Friday 15 February 2013 12:20

Apollojon, your comment made my night. I'm not really sure why I laughed so hard, but I assure you I laughed a lot harder than I should have.

By klovemachine | 24

#5366120 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 9:13

The dog must have taken OP's swag :-D lol