Today, I came down with painful sores in my mouth, just after having gotten over a cold. Apparently I'm allergic to the cough drops I've been eating for the past week to make myself feel better. FML
Today, while at work in the service department of a car dealership, I sat in the driver seat of an old man's car to get the mileage. He'd just pissed in the seat. FML
Today, the guy who sits next to me in my psychology class openly admitted to torturing animals as a child. It's going to be a long semester. FML
Today, after a month of living in a pigsty of an apartment with my roommates, I spent the day cleaning the place out. When everyone returned home, instead of thanking me, all they could do was point out the spots I'd missed. FML
Today, I learned the hard way that your little brother is not joking when he threatens to shave your eyebrows if you don't let him watch cartoons. FML
Today, my Nana showed me her new sign that says, "Some of my greatest blessings call me Nana." We stood there looking at a wall FULL of pictures of her grandkids, which is where she wanted to hang it. After scanning the wall a couple times, I realized. There was not one picture of me. FML
Today, after nearly 2 years, my now ex-girlfriend decided she was ready to have sex. Specifically, sex with my dad. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were playing a game where you ask sexual questions and you have to give an honest answer. At one point, I asked my boyfriend what his favorite position is, to which he quickly answered with no hesitation, "Any one where I don't have to see your face or body." FML
Today, I went to the doctor's with my pregnant sister, only to find out she still weighs less than me. FML
Today, a kid looked at me, screamed, then ran away yelling "Chewbacca!" FML
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend making breakfast. I thought he was making it for me, so I sat at the table. When he walked over with his plate, he said, "Oh, I didn't know you were here!" I'd slept in the same bed with him last night. FML
Today, I went to my favorite all you can eat buffet. The cook tapped my shoulder and told me to stop eating. FML
Today, I was really depressed so I talked on the phone with my best friend. She was telling me how a guy she really liked complimented her. I told her it was be nice to get at least one compliment. After a long silence she says, "You're really good with computers." FML
Today, I was yelled at by a customer because we didn't have any ketchup packets. I work in a coffee shop. FML
Today, my mother found my escaped pet snake after she had already washed and dried it with the laundry. FML
Today, I drove a friend to the emergency room because he thought he had appendicitis. While sitting in the waiting room, I got puked on by a child. My friend's diagnosis? Gas. So he also farted all the way home. FML
Today, I had to get a colonoscopy. Which wouldn't have been so bad if they had removed the camera from my rectum before waking me up. FML
Today, I had to skip lunch to work on a big project, so I stopped by a vending machine. The number I wanted was 126, but I accidentally typed 124, using my last dollar. 124 was the only empty row. FML
Today, at an open mic comedy club, my jokes went down so poorly that someone decided to hurl a chair at me on-stage. FML
Today, I sold some weights that were way too heavy for me on Craigslist. I felt okay with not being able to lift them when I saw the other man, who was a pretty buff dude; that is until of course he informed me he was buying them for his wife. FML
Today, I ate a wonderful meal, after which I fell asleep on my couch and had a dream that my husband was passionately kissing me. I woke up to realize it was actually my cat licking bits of food out of my teeth. FML
laureri tells us more.
laureri 26
Hey OP here! To answer some questions, my husband does not have a sandpaper tongue, that would be awful! I didn't have huge bits of food just your regular after food residue. I usually do brush after meals but the itus was strong and I immediately fell asleep after the meal. And yes I brushed, mouthwashed, and flossed immediately after I woke up with a cat tongue in my mouth!! Repeatedly I might add. My cats are beggars, they will do almost anything for table food apparently licking my teeth is fare game. The comments made me laugh, so thanks guys. Cheers!
Today, I'm at work as a security guard. At a morgue. Why am I here? FML
Today, I had a theatre performance. I had to put on a lot of makeup for the role, and one of the guys said I looked nice. I smiled and said thanks. Seconds later, I'd been sucker-punched by his girlfriend for "flirting" with her man. FML
Today, my dad gave me a football signed by my favourite football player. It would've been great, except that I saw my dad sign it in front of me. The worst part is that he denies doing it. FML
Today, I checked my son's browser history, as he's been acting strangely around his computer recently. I found several bizarre Google searches, including but not limited to: "unicorn dick-farts", "sharting kittens", and "can you get AIDS from Asians?" What the fuck is wrong with him? FML
Today, I was asked out by a guy I've liked since the beginning of the year. All I could say was, "I have to pee", and ran into the men's bathroom. FML
Today, I caught myself thinking about what to cook for dinner tonight. During sex. FML
Today, I cut myself deeply with an expensive razor that advertised it's impossible to cut yourself with. Twice. Guess I always was an overachiever. FML
Today, I came home to find my fiancé trying to do laundry. His version was "rubbing the smelly spots with baby powder". Looks like I'll be the only one doing laundry for the rest of our lives. FML
Today, I went to my little cousin's school to pick her up and it happened to be my old elementary school. I saw my old teacher and went up to say hi, and after a few minutes she goes "Aren't you the girl who's dad always came in drunk on parent's day?" Nice to know that's how I'm remembered. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
