Today, I received a phone call from the number of a "single" guy I met online. It was his wife, who is three months pregnant. She threatened to kick my ass. FML
Today, my mom showed up completely hammered to a party I was throwing. The party was to celebrate the ten years that I've been sober. FML
Today, I timed my walk to work perfectly so that I avoided getting sprayed by the rotating sprinklers along the street. As soon as I successfully passed the last sprinkler, a bus sped by me, hit a puddle, and covered me head to toe in muddy water. FML
Daralea tells us more.
Daralea 21
They always do, and I don't know why. They even have it aimed at the sidewalks half the time.
Today, I realized that I get more mail addressed to the old tenant of my apartment than to me. He hasn't lived here in years. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house and badly needed to pee. Just as I was about to say I had to go to the bathroom, my boyfriend suddenly put his hands around my stomach and picked me up. He hit just the right spot, causing me to empty my bladder then and there. FML
Today, I sent my long-distance girlfriend the first photo of me I'd sent her in a while. It was a photo of me with some of my friends. She didn't know which one I was. FML
Today, I sat in my room on the computer instead of attending the party of the year. I got kicked out because I wasn't invited. The party was in my back yard, hosted by my brother. FML
Today, I went to the DMV for my second attempt to get my license. I did everything perfectly, stayed at the speed limit, did my three-point turn flawlessly, and parked nicely. The lady failed me because I wasn't using the stick shift right. My car doesn't have a stick shift. FML
Today, I was walking with my boyfriend when a guy walked up to me and told me I look exactly like Taylor Swift. My boyfriend punched him in the face and told him that Taylor Swift is a lot more attractive. I'm actually considering leaving him for the complete stranger. FML
Today, I found out that the fat sweaty guy at my job frequently uses my rub-on deodorant and puts it back in my drawer after he's done. FML
Today, I got so stressed about my upcoming final exams that, in the silent section of the library, I had a panic attack and almost passed out. No one helped me. 3 people shushed me. FML
Today, I found out that my dad has been trying to take money out of my savings account to pay for divorce fees and a hammock. FML
Today, I dropped my pencil in Bio and I leaned over to attempt to pick it up. Next thing you know it I tipped the desk over and I crashed onto my crush's lap with my face in his crotch. FML
Today, I had my midterm finals for AP Literature. My teacher had good news and bad news for us. The bad news? That he lost the file for our original exam and so had to make a harder exam for us. An exam he told us not to study for. The good news? "Jesus Christ suffered and died for our sins." FML
subversivepanda tells us more.
Hey guys! OP here! i realized that i forgot a detail. So usually, for our AP Literature exams, we get copies of practice AP exams from previous years (you know, the AP Exams at the end of the year). So for those, you literally CANNOT study. Like, there is no way to study for them since they cover practically anything and everything related to Literature.
Today, I went to meet my girlfriend's parents at her sister's play. The moment I introduced myself, I realized that her father was my probation officer. FML
Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML
Today, I am pregnant, and my boyfriend dumped me, saying that he didn't want to be stuck in anything too serious. FML
Today, I went to my retail job to buy some clothing. As soon as I walked through the doors, my manager yelled at me for not being in appropriate work clothes. I tried to explain that I was off the clock but he was having none of it. I got written up. FML
Today, I found out what "supersoaked" means. I thought it meant getting shot by a water gun, which is why I laughed when my daughter's boyfriend said he "supersoaked" her. FML
Today, after over six weeks of not getting a single shift at my part time job, I finally went in to meet my new manager. He didn't even know I existed. Apparently my old manager lied and said I quit so they hired someone else. FML
nattlecakes tells us more.
Alright. OP here. My workplace switched managers due to our store getting a bad rating from corporate and sales basically tanking. He was demoted to a different store and instead decided to quit. I wasn't getting hours before my old manager left either. I had talked to him and he said the ratio with sales versus hours employees are working was out of whack or something along those lines, and since I hadn't been fully trained yet I couldn't run the shop on my own or even with one to two others there since they would have been either doing all the work or they wouldn't have needed me there. Also pretty much very other co worker had been whittled down to only one to three shifts a week other than the supervisors so that was out of my control but things are supposed to change when the new manager comes in. My new manager comes in a few weeks ago and I was still coming in every week to check the schedule. At this point nobody knew that's what my old manager had said. I kept seeing coworkers and talking to them, but never my new manager so I checked to see when he would be in. Inconveniently, just after this new manager transferred to our store he went on a two and a half week vacation (three weeks of work). The day he comes back in I come in and introduce myself and say I would like to discuss hours, and he has the most confused look on his face ever. I punch in my employee number and it says I am no longer employed. That's when we called the owner and figure out what had happened. They said they would call me. That was on Saturday and it's now Tuesday, so i have no idea whether or not I will be getting my job back. Either way I am looking for employment elsewhere since I obviously don't have much stability at my current workplace and the business is suffering badly anyway.
Today, my Breaking Bad-obsessed boyfriend actually used the phrase "I am the one who cocks" during foreplay. My vagina just about turned into a desert on the spot. FML
Today, the girl I've been seeing for less than a week started raging and ended up threatening me with a knife, after I shot down her idea of getting married next month. FML
Today, I went to the gym with my grandma. In the span of an hour, she was hit on more than I ever have been in my life. FML
Today, I held the door open for an old lady, before realizing she was a teacher taking 20-plus kids to lunch at local burger joint, all of whom got in front of me in the line to order. FML
Today, I tried to pick up a girl by asking her what the time was as a conversation starter. She responded by telling me it was time to pick a girl more in my league. FML
Today, I was locked out of my house. As I was about to knock on the window to ask my girlfriend to let me in, I saw her on the sofa, digging a huge booger out of her nose and eating it. FML
Today, while enjoying a nice dinner out, I observed a homeless man giggling hysterically to himself while wiping boogers on my bike seat and handlebars. FML
Today, my roomate informed me that her snake was missing in our apartment again. Apparently, I need to be careful because the snake's attracted to blood. I'm on my period. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Right before I was about to climax, he asks, "Do you remember when you bought the homeless guy with one leg a hot dog?" FML
Today, I received a package from my deployed husband. It contained a scarf, a letter, and a bag full of his pubes. FML
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