Today, I dropped my pencil in Bio and I leaned over to attempt...

By colorfulgina - 12/12/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, I dropped my pencil in Bio and I leaned over to attempt to pick it up. Next thing you know it I tipped the desk over and I crashed onto my crush's lap with my face in his crotch. FML

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Miscellaneous

DINOSAURS!!

Everyone's an expert

Live dumping

By seriously - 2/10/2010 20:31 - United States

Today, I was visiting my boyfriend, who lives 2 hours away. After about twenty minutes of glorious sex, he told me in no uncertain terms that he was about to come. He then "baaa"d like a sheep as he came. I couldn't come after that. FML

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By Sapphirlinda - 3/7/2010 23:25 - Netherlands

Today, my friend told me I'm not welcome in her house anymore. I've spent the last two months painting and doing it up for her, because she's pregnant and couldn't herself. I just finished the job. FML

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By Coldflame - 6/3/2010 15:22 - United States

Today, I was designated driver for my friends. This entailed: standing around in the cold for 3 hours, not drinking, dealing with drunk people, and oh yeah, I almost forgot, cleaning up vomit from my hair, my clothes, and my brand new car. FML

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By noname - 25/6/2010 17:29 - United States

Today, my mother wore a see through shirt. She wasn't wearing a bra. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2012 15:53 - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, I told my friend over the phone that I had to go drop the kids off at the pool. She told me that she didn't need to know about my bathroom habits and hung up on me. I really had to take my children to the local swimming pool for swim lessons. FML

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By Ugh - 13/12/2016 14:39

Today, at my work in a self-service chinese restaurant, a lady came up to me, pointed to the plate she loaded with honey king prawns, and yelled at me because she was allergic to seafood. She demanded a refund and another plate. Everything is clearly labeled. FML

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By heallven - 31/1/2013 12:26 - France - Ostricourt

Today, my loyalty and regularity at my local pizza place were noticed. The delivery guy, when bringing yet another order, asked me if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were living with me. FML

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By Nutty - 21/7/2019 00:04

Today, my girlfriend refused to have sex with me, because my underwear are Fruit of the Loom instead of Hanes. According to her, since all real men wear Hanes, I'm unfit to have sex with her because I wear Fruit of the Loom and am therefore not a man. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2015 20:36 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, my friend took me tandem skydiving. When it was time to jump, he began crying, said he'd cut our parachute cords, then said "Goodbye, cruel world!" and pushed me off the plane with him strapped to my back. I pissed myself and cried like a bitch. He thinks his "prank" was hilarious. FML

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By mortified - 30/10/2010 04:12 - Canada

Today, at work, I was caught picking my nose, on camera, in an elevator. The security guard stopped me on my way out of the building to tell me how funny it was. FML

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By rutho - 27/3/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I decided to cheat on my math test by writing a couple of equations on my hand. Totally satisfied, I handed my test in feeling like I had aced it. As I was heading toward the door, I happily waved goodbye to my teacher. She saw everything. FML

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By anonymous - 15/7/2013 01:07 - United States - La Pine

Today, my boyfriend and I were furniture shopping. They had miniature versions built of some of the desks. He commented how they were "cute for little kids" to use. They were 6 inches tall. I had to explain to him that they were only models, not real desks. I'm dating Zoolander. FML

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By not jacked - 20/4/2016 11:35 - United States - East Hartford

Today, my friend spotted for me while I was lifting a barbell. He thought it would be hilarious to tickle my armpits as I lifted it all the way up. I can still taste vomit in my mouth and it hurts to breathe. FML

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By DepressedCellist - 27/9/2018 12:00

Today, my boyfriend and I had band practice for our duo. I've been playing cello for almost a year and wanted to incorporate it. He picked it up for pretty much the first time and sounded surprisingly good. I was excited until I realized he sounded better than me. FML

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By sick - 30/9/2009 15:12 - United States

Today, I went to the coffee shop for my usual morning latte before class. When I got my drink, I asked again to make sure it was soy. The barista assured me it was. It wasn't. I'm ridiculously lactose intolerant and just spent six hours throwing up because she was too lazy to correct her mistake. FML

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By 00anon00 - 2/7/2020 02:01

Animalistic

Today, I was fired from my local animal shelter. I was a volunteer and am currently in school for veterinary technology. My education made the paid staff at the shelter feel threatened. FML

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By Cooper491 - 15/9/2011 21:22 - Australia

Today, I was at a bar with my friend, when I noticed a young lad at a table near to us. I thought it'd be funny to jeer and flick peanuts at him. I went to the restroom, only to come back to my friend face-down on the floor. Turns out the guy fucked him up instead, and now he won't talk to me. FML

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By flattire - 30/3/2009 01:14 - Canada

Today, two really hot guys pulled up in a car next to mine. They were waving at me and pointing down, I figured they were being pigs so I flipped them off. Turns out they were trying to warn me of the flat tire I had. FML

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By Elis - 1/3/2009 08:49 - United States

Today, my mom bought me a t-shirt from the store. It has the U.S. Marines logo on it and says "Marines' Girlfriend". I'm a straight 16 year old boy and my mom only reads and speaks Spanish. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2010 20:14 - Switzerland

Today, I found out I'm allergic to the pills my doctor prescribed for coughing, which I really need because I ripped a muscle in my stomach. Now my whole upper body is covered in a terrible itchy rash. I also found out it will last for at least another week. FML

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By Anonymou$ - 6/11/2014 23:37 - United States - Daphne

Today, I spent over $2,000 on a big flatscreen TV. My dad insisted I let him mount it on the wall instead of paying someone to do it. All seemed fine, until the TV came loose and smashed onto the floor. My dad refuses to accept responsibility, and says I should've had a professional install it instead. FML

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By Natasha - 29/10/2015 08:58 - United States - Seattle

Today, I got so desperate for cash that I decided to start selling my used panties online. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2012 06:24

Today, someone burgled my hotel room. As always, I had locked my passport, extra cash, and other valuables in the closet safe, so I thought the losses would be superficial. What a discovery that the safe hadn't been fastened to the closet shelf, so the thief just picked it up and took it home. FML

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By James - 12/8/2011 07:54 - United States

Today, my roommate and I got into an argument. He told me he understood if I didn't forgive him "for a couple of days." He'd confessed to undressing my girlfriend in her sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2013 19:47 - United States

Today, a guest of the private beach club I work at asked if I could do something about the water temperature in the ocean. I laughed, thinking it was a joke. She was serious and complained to my boss, saying I was absolutely no help. FML

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By dukemisery - 12/12/2016 09:33 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, after being trapped in an elevator for 4 hours, I really had to pee. Just when I decided to pee in the elevator shaft, the lift doors opened. FML

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By hannahlorraine - 25/11/2011 03:12 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my very drunken mother came home. She then barged into the shower with me, still completely clothed, and gave me the longest, most awkward hug of a lifetime. After she left me still in shock, she came back and did it again. FML

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By Octobre - 7/3/2010 01:17 - United States

Today, I was massively hungover and driving home. I had a strong suspicion that I was gonna ralph so I was smart and pulled over. I emptied the contents of my stomach into a shopping bag and was proud I didn't make a mess all over the car. Seconds later, the bottom of the bag gave out. FML

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By CambodianAsshole - 25/12/2012 06:41 - United States - Placentia

Today, I opened my Christmas present from my parents. I got a road-side assistance package. I don't own a vehicle, and I don't even have a driver's license. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2013 20:33 - United States - Spring Branch

Today, I broke up with my abusive girlfriend. She responded by breaking into my place and stabbing my hamster with a fork. FML

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By ohdeardarling - 14/6/2009 13:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I went over to my boyfriends house with a few people. I drank too much wine and later when everyone else left I gave him head, deepthroating a little too enthusiastically, and puked all over his cock and bedsheets. Turns out, washing vomit out of your pubes kills the mood somewhat. FML

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By StupidBerk - 17/9/2012 23:25 - United Kingdom

Today, my nitwit son infected our family computer with some sort of mad bastard virus after getting fooled by the promise of some non-existent Hannah Montana nudes. FML

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By KieRendan - 25/5/2012 19:59 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, due to an unforeseen pipe-related incident, I had to shave my legs in my backyard fish pond, while a plumber assessed the damage to my war-zone of a bathroom. FML

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By RDMdragoon - 13/7/2009 11:16 - United States

Today, while deleting my ex-fiancée's account off my computer, I saved her pics. I found one of her with her now boyfriend in our bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Longmont

Bad thought

Today, I found out that my parents have thought I'm lesbian for at least a year. I now understand why my dad has been trying to get me to "hang out" with his co-worker's daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2014 05:05 - United States - San Diego

Today, I came home to find out my roommate sold my PS4, because, "You don't use it anymore." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 15:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to show me a magic trick. He filled a bowl with wine, pushed it on top of the ceiling using a broom stick, and held it up there. He told me to hold it and left. Taking my hands off the broomstick would cause the bowl to fall on my expensive new suit. Eventually, it did. FML

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By cjk004 - 15/2/2009 11:35 - United States

Today, I was trying on lingerie in the dressing room of Victoria’s Secret with my boyfriend next to me. I told my him in a seductive, playful tone “You can stay and watch if you give me a piece of your gum.” He said “No I only have three more” and left the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2014 12:28 - United States - Berkeley

Today, my husband decided to put different condiments on my body to make our sex better. I was thinking whipped cream; he was feeling ketchup. FML

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By stun_zeed - 17/1/2017 10:00

Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML

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Top comments

By wtfismyfml | 0

#717037 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:15

probably the closest your going to get to it now

By sportsnut | 0

#717059 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:24

not too subtle but you may have gotten the message across

COMMENTS

By Hulege | 0

#717027 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:11

How is this an FML? Might be a tiny bit embarassing, but .. meh..

BigBadBulldog | 0

#717172 - Sunday 13 December 2009 0:33

And hell if I was the crush I'd kinda like it haha

ididitmyself | 0

#717220 - Sunday 13 December 2009 1:07

i think this is a good thing, not a bad thing lol

deathmajestic | 0

#717257 - Sunday 13 December 2009 1:30

lets add dialouge

"oh shit, wheres my pencil
ah there it is
*leans*
CrAsH

"why bonjour monseuir le cocke, what a surprise to bump into you today"

humorizer | 14

#717616 - Sunday 13 December 2009 5:26

I know I'm being a tad bit inappropriate, but maybe he'll be impressed by what you can offer?

Othello22 | 4

#717663 - Sunday 13 December 2009 5:59

nice sound effects XD i was thinking more of a dramatic "ka-boom", i'd be so embarrased!!

wh4t3v3R | 0

#720343 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 0:42

I expected that to end with LoveML not FML.

fuckass | 0

#720470 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 2:30

LMFAO

megamandude455 | 10

#1013227 - Monday 31 May 2010 2:04

hey 27, his crotch. his nuts. put 2 and 2 together.

bobbybill0519 | 7

#1226716 - Thursday 12 August 2010 6:51

i can even do it on my ipod n u should too :P

FweakofCydonia | 40

#6494794 - Sunday 27 December 2016 20:05

I'm imagining a follow up:

"Today, my face accidentally fell into my crush's crotch. He got a boner. FML"

By soccer4ever7 | 0

#717030 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:11

that sucks!

MagicMeds | 0

#717550 - Sunday 13 December 2009 4:36

At least she found a new pencil.

SpankyMcThrust | 6

#717833 - Sunday 13 December 2009 7:57

I lol'd heartily XD

GuitarJunkie6258 | 0

#720725 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 4:58

Nice puns

By Phil594 | 0

#717032 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:13

your lucky.

dakotalesmercy | 6

#1010338 - Friday 28 May 2010 16:42

lick it!!!!

I would <3

mxij | 13

#5813226 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 22:06

He's*

By wtfismyfml | 0

#717037 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:15

probably the closest your going to get to it now

By diorable | 0

#717043 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:17

lol i woulda crackeddddd up at you.

By dracer | 0

#717048 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:18

Best way to break the ice, perhaps?

facilitator | 0

#3014702 - Monday 1 August 2011 15:18

hope you didn't come off too desperate

By vamp_rina_babii | 0

#717057 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:23

wow heres a
*hug

Shereen15 | 0

#717227 - Sunday 13 December 2009 1:12

lmao

By sportsnut | 0

#717059 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:24

not too subtle but you may have gotten the message across

By musicislife1995_fml | 0

#717063 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:26

you ought to be ashamed of yourself, most people take it slow but noooo, you go straight for the prize.

for those who don't understand sarcasm, that was an example

By FMLoverAgain | 7

#717066 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:27

perfect incident!