Miscellaneous: Today, I dropped my pencil in Bio and I leaned over to attempt...

By colorfulgina - United States

Today, I dropped my pencil in Bio and I leaned over to attempt to pick it up. Next thing you know it I tipped the desk over and I crashed onto my crush's lap with my face in his crotch. FML

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Miscellaneous

Deadly cocktail

Dog whisperer

Such a rewarding career

By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 3-year-old son discovered his testicles. When I asked him what they were, he replied, "They're my balls! They make my winkie happy!" Now he won't quit singing it. FML

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By mutantprincess - Australia

Today, after waking up to find a large spider outside my bedroom door and screaming, waking up my mum to kill it, she then sprayed it and went to pick it up. She then informed me it was made of plastic. My cat had got into the Halloween decorations from the spare room and decided to play. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I went to an amusement park with my family. I was the only one who put on sunblock, and the only one who got a sunburn. FML

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By sarah - United States

Today, I've recently gained weight so I bought an exercise video. I started it right away in my room on the top floor. My younger sister screamed and ran outside a few minutes later. She thought it was an earthquake. FML

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By buxton1 - United States - Ramona

Today, my high-strung and normally very proper mother took twice her prescribed dose of Ambien, and extolled the virtues of a "full blown sexual relationship with oneself", advising my teenage sister to "only include the men when they behave." FML

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By Nyquilwtf - United States

Today, I learned that Nyquil has such an amazing effect on me, that it won't even allow me to wake up to go to the bathroom. FML

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By Liav

Today, I took my "girlfriend" to a nice restaurant to celebrate our first month anniversary, only to find out she didn't even know we're dating, but only "friends who have sex sometimes." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while snow plowing I accidentally ran over my kid's basketball. I told him what had happened and he responded by spilling his ant farm into my underwear drawer. FML

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By omgomgomg - United Kingdom

Today, I was in a rush and had to get changed in a train restroom. While changing, I leaned against the button that opened the door. Not only do train toilet doors open and close very slowly, leaving you half naked for a few seconds, but everyone in the carriage opposite can see clearly. FML

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By davav74 - United Kingdom - Ely

Today, I visited my new doctor for the migraines I've been getting lately. Right from the start, I could have sworn the guy was on drugs. He just listened to my heartbeat, said, "Well Dave, it sounds like gallstones" and said they'll pass naturally. FML

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By C BOMB - Australia - Toowong

Today, I was getting coffee when I pulled my lip balm from my pocket and started playing with it in my hands, tapping it on my face and lip. There were there two gorgeous guys in front of me who kept turning around and staring at me. I was actually holding a tampon. FML

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By nocat6 - United States - Northville

Today, I caught a customer using his fat to shoplift gum out of a store. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to spend the day cleaning my room. My mom thinks that I was lying just to stay home, so she yelled at me to go to her shop. At the shop, she yelled at me for not being any help. When we got home she yelled at me for having a messy room. FML

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By gotnogame - United States

Today, I went out with a girl I like. After a movie, we went to McDonald's. There was this couple making out. The girl I was with remarked about how lame it would be to go to McDonald's on a date. I thought we were on a date. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that scorpions can apparently hold their breath for hours, and that doing so makes them angry. I found this out when I removed a scorpion from the bottom of my pool and found that it was not entirely drowned. FML

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By tryena - United States

Today, I babysat a five year old girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around my waist and said, "YUMMY! I'm going to eat you!" with her face in my crotch. I said sarcastically under my breath, "Finally, some action!" I turned around to find her dad staring at me, having heard. He's my cousin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was volunteering at a gift-wrapping booth to raise money for autism, and helping others takes my mind off the fact that my mom died at Christmas. While carefully wrapping a present, offering bows, ribbons, and a gift tag, a snobby bitch said to me, "You're not doing a very good job." FML

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By therealkathl - Austria

Today, my boyfriend convinced a girl at the club to break up with her boyfriend and go home with him. She did. Now I'm single too. FML

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By goddamnit - United States

Today, I got a letter saying I was no longer a student at my college and my current work is void since I had ignored and refused to pay my tuition bill. Over the past month I've been deleting these pesky emails saying 'FINAL WARNING regarding payment' thinking it was more spam. They weren't. FML

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By hamsterlovinn - United States

Today, we got my brother a pet hamster because he has trouble making friends. We thought a hamster would be a good way to teach him about caring for others. I walked into the room and the hamster was hanging from the ceiling. Turns out there's a reason my brother doesn't have friends. FML

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By Robert - United States - Anchorage

Today, a brief survey of everyone I know revealed that everyone, including my parents, sibling, and best friends, thinks I'm gay. I had to do the first reverse coming out in history. FML

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By bellerz14 - United States

Today, I saw my dad sitting in the car alone, blaring classical music, blowing up beach balls. FML

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By Porter_Robinson - Australia - Sydney

Today, I sent a girl a friendly conversation starter on Facebook. She replied, "I know what you guys are like. Oh, and that invitation to a date in about 5 messages time? Not a chance." FML

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By Electro - United States - Nashua

Today, I found out how painful it is to static shock the tip of your dick. FML

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By Noname - France

Today, like every month, the beautician spent 10 minutes removing the hairs from my stomach. I'm a girl. FML

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By time to buy a gun - United States - Carolina

Today, I was upstairs with my wife when I heard my cat scream from the porch downstairs. I ran down to find her "puffed up" and growling on the floor, and a corner of the screen next to the door busted out. I still have no idea what caused it and my wife is now afraid to go to sleep. FML

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By noname - France

Today, my flatmate was listening to opera on full volume all afternoon and now he's playing James Bond on the trumpet. FML

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By crunch time - United States - Jacksonville

Nice.

Today, while working out at the gym, I paused to check out a beautiful woman. The guy behind me said "Are you going to do your set or are you going to keep staring at my wife?" FML

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By Anonymous

House rules

Today, I had a date with a guy I've had a crush on for months. Not knowing where the date would take us, I shaved my pubic hair. Later, in the middle of making out with the guy, my dad storms into the room to tell me, "I had to get some Draino, your pubes clogged the shower." FML

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2018

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 20:00

Tasty

Today, while picking up my extremely drunk girlfriend from a party, she insisted on attempting to make out with me. She threw up in my mouth mid-kiss. FML

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By BYUwildchild - United States

Today, I realized that the fish-shaped birth mark on the back of my leg, that I have had all my life, is not really shaped like a fish as I had originally thought. It looks just like a penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was chopping weeds with a weed whacker. I heard something get caught in the blades, and realized it was a frog when the leg hit me in the eye. The rest of the chopped frog ended up on my face. FML

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By MeOhMy23 - 25/11/2020 07:59 - United States - Tazewell

The only one who could ever reach me…

Today, I went to have a vaginal ultrasound. The nurse walked me back and I got undressed. She said the tech doing the procedure would be right in. It was my preacher's son. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, we spent the day with my grandmother. During a family conversation,, my sweet little grandmother looked me up and down, and without any hesitation said, "I remember you being so beautiful," before looking at my mother, mouthing, "What happened?" and laughing. She's 87. FML

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By no - United States

Today, I locked myself out of my truck for the first time. While trying to unlock it, it started to rain. After half an hour, I successfully unlocked the door and then drove over my book bag, which I had placed underneath the car to keep it out of the rain. FML

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By sad - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that my new boyfriend is the type of guy who, when there is a conflict, will just scream "I LOVE YOU" over and over hoping that it will solve itself instead of actually trying to work the problem out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Macungie

Today, a homeless man asked me for some money to eat. He ate the five dollars I gave him. FML

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30870

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By marryinghimanyway - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I announced my engagement. My mother's response was to freak out and demand that I postpone my wedding indefinitely. Why? My younger sister caught the bouquet at a wedding last year, so "she has to get married first!" My sister has been single for 3 years and showers once a week. FML

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53834

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By Badday - Canada

Today, I went on a date with a girl that I really like. I picked her up from her house, and as I was pulling out of her driveway, I hit her dad's BMW, knocking off the bumper. FML

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By jaymash - United States

Today, I was giving a PowerPoint presentation in class. When I put my flash drive into the computer, my folder opened up and a nude picture of myself popped right up on a 110 inch projector screen for all 35 students to see. This is a 16 week course. FML

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Top comments

By wtfismyfml | 0

#717037 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:15

probably the closest your going to get to it now

By sportsnut | 0

#717059 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:24

not too subtle but you may have gotten the message across

COMMENTS

By Hulege | 0

#717027 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:11

How is this an FML? Might be a tiny bit embarassing, but .. meh..

BigBadBulldog | 0

#717172 - Sunday 13 December 2009 0:33

And hell if I was the crush I'd kinda like it haha

ididitmyself | 0

#717220 - Sunday 13 December 2009 1:07

i think this is a good thing, not a bad thing lol

deathmajestic | 0

#717257 - Sunday 13 December 2009 1:30

lets add dialouge

"oh shit, wheres my pencil
ah there it is
*leans*
CrAsH

"why bonjour monseuir le cocke, what a surprise to bump into you today"

humorizer | 14

#717616 - Sunday 13 December 2009 5:26

I know I'm being a tad bit inappropriate, but maybe he'll be impressed by what you can offer?

Othello22 | 4

#717663 - Sunday 13 December 2009 5:59

nice sound effects XD i was thinking more of a dramatic "ka-boom", i'd be so embarrased!!

wh4t3v3R | 0

#720343 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 0:42

I expected that to end with LoveML not FML.

fuckass | 0

#720470 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 2:30

LMFAO

megamandude455 | 10

#1013227 - Monday 31 May 2010 2:04

hey 27, his crotch. his nuts. put 2 and 2 together.

bobbybill0519 | 7

#1226716 - Thursday 12 August 2010 6:51

i can even do it on my ipod n u should too :P

FweakofCydonia | 40

#6494794 - Sunday 27 December 2015 20:05

I'm imagining a follow up:

"Today, my face accidentally fell into my crush's crotch. He got a boner. FML"

By soccer4ever7 | 0

#717030 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:11

that sucks!

MagicMeds | 0

#717550 - Sunday 13 December 2009 4:36

At least she found a new pencil.

SpankyMcThrust | 6

#717833 - Sunday 13 December 2009 7:57

I lol'd heartily XD

GuitarJunkie6258 | 0

#720725 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 4:58

Nice puns

By Phil594 | 0

#717032 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:13

your lucky.

dakotalesmercy | 6

#1010338 - Friday 28 May 2010 16:42

lick it!!!!

I would <3

mxij | 13

#5813226 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 22:06

He's*

By wtfismyfml | 0

#717037 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:15

probably the closest your going to get to it now

By diorable | 0

#717043 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:17

lol i woulda crackeddddd up at you.

By dracer | 0

#717048 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:18

Best way to break the ice, perhaps?

facilitator | 0

#3014702 - Monday 1 August 2011 15:18

hope you didn't come off too desperate

By vamp_rina_babii | 0

#717057 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:23

wow heres a
*hug

Shereen15 | 0

#717227 - Sunday 13 December 2009 1:12

lmao

By sportsnut | 0

#717059 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:24

not too subtle but you may have gotten the message across

By musicislife1995_fml | 0

#717063 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:26

you ought to be ashamed of yourself, most people take it slow but noooo, you go straight for the prize.

for those who don't understand sarcasm, that was an example

By FMLoverAgain | 7

#717066 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:27

perfect incident!