The Top

My dad is very sensitive about his cooking. If I'd refused he would have made my life harder for the next few days. I said I liked someone's steak a little better than his, and it was a year before he cooked another steak. We generally try not to hurt his feelings.

By elle - 23/05/2011 10:17

Today, I found out that the peaceful rain I'd been listening to all night was really a broken water-main flooding my entire yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 344

You deserved it 4 145

By Anonymous - 25/10/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, while at the store, my fly became undone. It doesn't seem that bad unless an old lady comes to "zip it up for you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 344

You deserved it 4 141

Gun nut

By missbrit - 04/02/2011 07:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend got a new rifle. He forced me to watch him stripping it, oiling it, and sliding things into its barrel. We then watched 'Enemy at the Gates'. I basically endured 4 hours of gun porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 342

You deserved it 8 272

By me - 04/02/2012 19:40 - United States

Today, my husband and I worked together on a very difficult yard project. Afterwards, I thanked him and offered him a special treat. He was disappointed to find I meant sex, not cookies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 340

You deserved it 6 018

By theycallmekitty - 11/01/2013 00:02 - United States - Decatur

Today, I've been struggling with my English paper for the past hour, because I can't concentrate. This is because my mom is in the room next to me, singing to her pet rat about what a cute little boy he is, in between yelling at him to stop "molesting" her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 340

You deserved it 3 027

theycallmekitty tells us more.

theycallmekitty 13

Friday 11 January 2013 3:19

He's not a mouse...he's a rat. There's a big difference. Also, don't feel bad for him, he is definitely a mommas boy....

Happy Birthday

By Anonymous - 07/10/2010 00:48 - United States

Today, my parents gave me my birthday present. Two weeks ago, I'd ordered an Xbox online. Three days ago, it came to my house, and my parents thought they could save money by putting wrapping paper on it, and giving it to me for my birthday. That's all they got me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 340

You deserved it 3 519

By Username - 14/07/2011 20:09 - United States

Today, I walked in on my father and brother attempting to harmonize their farts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 340

You deserved it 5 778

By dangerousknitter - 08/10/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, in the middle of an exam, I was escorted out by the campus police due to suspicion of a concealed weapon. The officers couldn't stop laughing for 20 minutes when they found out the weapon was metal knitting needles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 338

You deserved it 3 849

By sicufovoshxbsjdk - 07/08/2010 02:22 - United States

Today, my grandma bought me a cemetery plot for my birthday. If that's not weird enough, it's about a two-minute walk from where the rest of my family will be buried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 337

You deserved it 2 623

By stifledbyyou - 12/12/2010 00:06 - United States

Today, while I was working at McDonald's, a man and his wife ordered a Sundae. I gave the guy his sundae and realized I'd forgotten something. I said, "One second sir. Let me grab your nuts." I realized what I said when his wife gave me the death glare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 336

You deserved it 8 399

Get out

By BearGrillz - 17/08/2009 23:40 - United States

Today, there were some wasps getting in my bedroom from a hole in the frame of my window. I went outside with some spray and took out their entrance. What I didnt know is that when you spray wasps, they go the other direction. I now have 60+ wasps flying around my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 335

You deserved it 26 006

By thebeachisthatway - 22/10/2012 18:56 - United States - Worcester

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 335

You deserved it 5 347

Blurt it out

By gotta love my momma - 28/08/2014 05:08 - United States - Folsom

Today, I got married. My booze-hound mother made a toast, and told a story about how she once walked in on us having sex. My husband's family is very religious, and we told them we weren't having sex until marriage. Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 333

You deserved it 11 327

By maruskasommers - 09/01/2012 09:39 - Czech Republic

Today, I came home with a friend to find my mom scratching my dad's butt with a fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 333

You deserved it 2 716

By Anonymous - 07/10/2009 23:12 - United States

Today, I found out that the student tutor my son advised me to hire was my son's girlfriend. I have been paying her $20 an hour for the last 3 weeks to make out with my son in his room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 332

You deserved it 16 797

By Anonymous - 13/02/2013 11:47 - United Kingdom - Stevenston

Today, the guy I like and his friend came home with me to work on a project. I opened my front door and my mum was at the top of the stairs completely naked, bent over, drying her hair with the hairdryer. It took a few moments for her to realise we were there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 331

You deserved it 3 113

By Anonymous - 29/12/2014 02:49 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Things got heated and I yelled, "Who's your daddy?" With a blank expression she replied, "I don't know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 331

You deserved it 17 986

Bad breakup idea

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Switzerland - Wildberg

Today, my boyfriend ended our relationship. He called me from his mobile phone, claimed to be a trauma surgeon, and told me with a bad German accent that my "boyfriend" had been in a fatal car crash earlier in the day. What the hell is wrong with this idiot? FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 330

You deserved it 4 461

By Anonymous - 23/01/2013 18:03 - United States

Today, my school's theatre decided to produce Les Misérables. I got the part of Éponine. My boyfriend, being a talented performer, could have gotten any part he wanted. However, he only wanted to play the soldier responsible for killing Éponine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 328

You deserved it 5 735

By PangolinScholar - 25/01/2014 00:34 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I found that I conduct so much static electricity that I'm periodically given a shock by my headphones as I walk with them on. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 36 324

You deserved it 4 321

You good, lady?

By Eliza - 04/04/2012 03:40 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I noticed a strange lady following me around in the mall. After a while I began to get creeped out, so I confronted her. Apparently she has to make sure everything she buys is better than what I buy. After a long silence she said, "What? You never noticed me before?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 324

You deserved it 2 429

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The Top

Today, I was on a date, everything was charming and fun, so I went in for a kiss. She turned her head at the last second, and I ended up kissing her ear. We both went on to pretend that it didn’t happen, but the silence was deafening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 378

You deserved it 118

Today, after saving up for a beautiful new dress to wear to my partner's 30th birthday party, it finally arrived in the post. I tried the dress on and the stitching instantly ripped, leaving two big holes in it. Turns out I'm no longer a size 8. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 814

You deserved it 2 050

Today, I was bringing a table a bowl of soup at my waitressing job. A new customer taking off his coat threw his elbow out, violently knocking the soup out of my hands and onto his baby in a highchair. The baby screamed; I had a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 913

You deserved it 166

Today, after some very passionate sex with my girlfriend, she exclaimed, "That was amazing Drew." She quickly tried to turn "Drew" into my actual name, which doesn't sound anything like Drew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 087

You deserved it 4 111

Today, I was working my lifeguard job when I had to remind a 17 year-old boy that water is clear and that I could see him pulling his trunks down to moon his friends. Kind of want to drown myself now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 486

You deserved it 98

Today, I was in a music shop looking for a new guitar when someone called out someone else's name and jumped on my back. I lost balance and fell forward and broke 3 guitars and damaged another 6. The guy said "Sorry, thought you were someone else" and ran out. I now have to pay £2500. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 350

You deserved it 3 365