Miscellaneous: Today, my roomate informed me that her snake was missing in our...

By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 03:48 - United States

Today, my roomate informed me that her snake was missing in our apartment again. Apparently, I need to be careful because the snake's attracted to blood. I'm on my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 283

You deserved it 3 041

Miscellaneous

Dementia or hate? You decide

Bored

No end in sight

By INeedaNewJob - 16/11/2014 23:25 - United States - Kent

Today, my wife received a $15,000 bonus from her work. I got a backpack from mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 395

You deserved it 3 647

By SoClose - 03/04/2013 16:57 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was approached by a What Not to Wear kind of show, where you get money to buy a new wardrobe. I was so excited that I fainted. They revoked the offer, reasoning that someone who faints so easily would be too much of a liability risk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 187

You deserved it 11 311

By Lena - 18/10/2015 17:06 - Germany

Today, my life became a lot more depressing. A while ago, some friends and I founded a "Forever Alone" club, because all of us were single at that time. I'm now the only member left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 273

You deserved it 3 076

By dancer, not a hooker... - 05/05/2013 05:01 - Canada - Penticton

Today, I finished a dance competition. With competitions, it requires you to wear a lot of makeup like false eyelashes and red lipstick. I went into a Starbucks to get a coffee and a boy around 18 asked me, in all seriousness, what my rate is for one night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 495

You deserved it 11 638

By Anonymous - 20/08/2011 14:08 - United States

Today, my 4 year old asked to go outside and play in the sprinkler. I told him not right now because I was busy and he's too little to play outside by himself. I came out of the laundry room later to find he'd brought the sprinkler in the house and turned the water on. At least he listened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 691

You deserved it 8 646

By Anonymous - 17/07/2009 12:56 - United States

Today, I received a "diamond ring" in Mafia Wars (a facebook app) from my boyfriend of 3 years. Along with the ring came a message. It read, "Will you marry me?" He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 379

You deserved it 9 953

By Anonymous - 18/10/2015 12:53 - United States

Today, my mom was talking about my grandma's approaching death. When she saw I was getting upset, she gave me a weird look and asked me if I was PMSing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 792

You deserved it 1 760

By Username - 10/10/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, a highly intoxicated man came into my workplace and complained that the medicine that I'd prescribed for his dog almost choked him. I work at Blockbuster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 610

You deserved it 2 585

Tits McGee

By Anonymous - 21/06/2021 20:01

Today, I was supposed to ask for extra memory allocation for my Linux server, but instead of typing, "Can you increase my memory capacity?", I typed, "Can you increase my mammary capacity?" in a group full of senior engineers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 756

You deserved it 241

By Single and wigless - 14/04/2019 04:00

Today, I was on a FaceTime call with a guy I like and my cat, out of nowhere, attacks my head and snatches my wig off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 063

You deserved it 838

By Username - 29/10/2010 23:15 - France

Today, I was out eating lunch with my parents when my mom complained that I eat too quickly and don't thoroughly chew my food. My dad exclaimed, "That's because she swallows!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 567

You deserved it 5 874

By got to be kidding me - 02/05/2019 14:00 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, my eight-year-old daughter refused to use the port-a-potty at the fair. She preferred to piss her pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 941

You deserved it 268

By shelookslikemiley - 23/09/2014 12:48 - Australia

Today, I can't go on watching season 8 of The Big Bang Theory, not because of the steady decline of the show's quality, but because I can't stand Penny's new haircut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 039

You deserved it 19 745

Silver linings

By Anonymous - 16/10/2019 20:00

Today, I went to a dispensary to find relief for my chronic back pain. Turns out THC and my anxiety don't mix. I've been freaking out/paranoid/hyper diligent all night. I'm out $200, but at least thanks to my panic, I forgot my back pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 369

You deserved it 332

By Anonymous - 13/12/2016 13:27 - United States - Mountain View

Today, I punished my new dog for going potty inside by putting him in the kennel. He punished me by breaking out of the kennel and destroying everything in my house. Including Christmas presents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 173

You deserved it 3 315

By NotThePotty - 19/10/2015 10:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, according to daycare, my son is behind in his potty training curriculum because we are not "celebrating his natural bodily functions" enough. He turned 2 a week ago, and he peed on our bed last night because we're trying to meet this demand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 411

You deserved it 2 974

By hello higher premiums, fuckwad - 25/08/2013 16:23 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I was driving down a one-way street, when some raging dumbass came screaming the wrong way down the road at me. My instant reaction was to brake and give the guy a chance to do the same. His instant reaction was to keep going and wreck my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 942

You deserved it 3 052

By Anonymous - 27/04/2013 04:11 - United States

Today, I was getting ready to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. It seems he thought I was a much larger cup size than I really am, because when he saw my actual boobs, he said, "Aaaaaaand they're gone". FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 490

You deserved it 15 363

By Anon - 25/05/2011 05:28 - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I was comforted by the sound of mice running through the walls of my apartment. I left cheese and peanut butter out for them to find so that I could at least have a pet for company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 887

You deserved it 9 830

By maggierose171 - 19/05/2012 15:08 - United States - Rosendale

Today, my daughter's bed broke. Trying to see the damage, I lay down on her floor to get a closer look. I saw mountains of condom boxes under there. Now I know why the bed broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 177

You deserved it 5 706

By BetterThanChocolate - 20/04/2014 23:24 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, at a big Easter egg hunt, the kids found a wild bunny. Everyone smiled and "aww"ed, until my dog caught and ate it in front everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 102

You deserved it 5 583

Face value

By fuckface moron - 20/06/2020 02:17

Today, it was was my first day back at work as an esthetician. My first client refused to remove her face mask so I could perform the service. She demanded I just do her forehead, and that she’d only pay a third of the price since she’s only getting that part done. I refused and was written up by management. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 528

You deserved it 250

By Anonymous - 15/04/2009 18:18 - United States

Today, I heard an electric saw cutting through something outside my condo. I presumed it was a complex maintenance guy working on something. It was a thief using an angle grinder to cut off my bicycle's U-lock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 918

You deserved it 6 006

Been There

By PeppermintPenny - 10/08/2017 20:00

Today, a coworker and I had our second date at my place. He wanted to show me pictures of himself in some club, where he had been a member in highschool. He started typing his name into the google search bar and it suggested his name from when I had googled him months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 611

You deserved it 1 363

By mathii - 23/07/2011 23:52 - France

Today, I was doing swimming practice at the pool. I suddenly got breathless, dizzy, and felt like I was drowning. I cried out to the instructor, telling him I had a weak heart. He shouted back, "I don't care about your girlfriend's problems! Swim, bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 685

You deserved it 6 131

By Anonymous - 31/01/2017 16:00 - United States - Rochester

Today, as I listened to the guy I've been seeing pour his heart out to me, all I could think about was how much I needed to poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 674

You deserved it 1 497

By Anonymous - 13/12/2011 20:26 - United States

Today, I had to convince my girlfriend that, no matter how much she makes herself burp, she won't lose any weight. She still doesn't understand why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 305

You deserved it 3 945

By alone - 23/09/2011 11:04 - China

Today, I was sent home from work early because of structural issues. I walked in on my unemployed boyfriend cuddling another woman on the couch. When I confronted them, he freaked out and kept trying to convince me that I was dreaming. I don't know what I ever saw in this loser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 664

You deserved it 4 779

By Anonymous - 17/05/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, I was in the dressing room of my favorite store. While looking in the mirror at a shirt I really like, the fire alarm went off. In a panic, I ran out of the store like everyone else. The sensor went off on my shirt and I was banned from the store for attempted theft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 551

You deserved it 4 796

Shut up, bitch!

By Anonymous - 03/12/2021 19:59

Today, I went to see Ghostbusters: Afterlife. A family talked through the whole movie, phones on, watching YouTube videos, totally interrupting the experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 911

You deserved it 99

By anon... - 26/08/2016 04:10 - United States - Washington

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 4 months. He was always worried I would cheat on him, so he cheated on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 350

You deserved it 1 044

You rang?

By thathurt500x - 26/06/2020 20:08

Today, my boyfriend's tooth got caught on my nipple ring and ripped it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 844

You deserved it 517

By Anonymous - 22/07/2009 00:39 - United States

Today, I was performing in the musical 'Cabaret'. I was playing a Nazi soldier, swastika armband and all. Someone thought it would be funny to take my real clothes while I was on stage. I had to walk a mile back my house with my costume on. Someone threw eggs at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 376

You deserved it 5 582

By Anonymous - 17/06/2010 22:56 - United States

Today, I learned that dirty talk does NOT get me off. My boyfriend and I were having sex and I said "I'm going to come" during the beginning of my orgasm. My orgasm immediately stopped right after I said that. I turned myself off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 213

You deserved it 15 926

By drunkdial - 06/01/2010 05:53 - France

Today, I realized that the only time my girlfriend ever calls me is when she's drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 287

You deserved it 4 586

Corporate ass

By Anonymous - 13/06/2020 17:02

Today, I found out that my boss would rather give grant money back than give it to any of his employees as any sort of bonus for working through the pandemic. Two of us have worked for him for over 20 years. So much for loyalty I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 789

You deserved it 186

By Anonymous - 29/01/2017 14:00 - United States

Today, a few people in my class used calculators on the math final exam, even though it clearly stated at the top that they weren't allowed. The teacher found out, and now everyone has to retake the 200-question exam. I didn't even use a calculator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 654

You deserved it 479

By Anonymous - 20/08/2011 07:42 - United States

Today, I had to say "Put away your burrito," "that ruler is not a light saber," and "stop making dog noises" all in the same sentence at work. I teach Advanced Placement Calculus to high school seniors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 003

You deserved it 5 231

By dharp7 - 16/11/2011 05:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me. Her exact words used were "I like the idea of you, but I don't like you." I still don't know what that means. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 020

You deserved it 3 743

By zitroskies - 07/10/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was walking out of class when I saw a girl enthusiastically run to her boyfriend, jump on him, and smother him with kisses. I thought to myself "I wish my girlfriend did that." When the girl jumped off and turned around I realized she did, just not to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 735

You deserved it 3 025

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Top comments

HerpYourDerp 7

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Friday 28 October 2011 12:05

What do you mean, "again"? How many times has that snake been missing in your apartment?

Buttsexpirate 9

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Friday 28 October 2011 12:08

While in the bathroom you're gonna hear "Feed me ssssseymour!"

BlacOpsMaximus 5

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Friday 28 October 2011 12:05

First!

EvilPotato 14

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Friday 28 October 2011 12:13

^ who invited this loser.

HerpYourDerp 7

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Friday 28 October 2011 12:05

What do you mean, "again"? How many times has that snake been missing in your apartment?

Isoldael 27

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Friday 28 October 2011 13:56

Snakes (especially corn snakes, but I don't know what kind of snake OP's roommate has) are real escape artists - I've had my snakes escape several times as well. All it takes is the tiniest of openings, and they'll be gone. Of course, in many cases this can be prevented. In my case, by keeping my little brother away from my vivarium :p. Anyhow, OP, what kind of snake is it? I doubt it would be a species that is dangerous to humans.

Blissfull_Sin 7

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Friday 28 October 2011 15:26

Wat kind of snakes are attracted to blood? That confused me

icefshng8 9

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Friday 28 October 2011 15:38

No snakes are attracted to blood. Wild snakes eat live food. The only reason they'll eat dead food in captivity, is because they are tricked into it. Any snake that can simply "get lost" multiple times, isn't a very big snake. No need to fear op! Your roomate is just trying to scare you.

yankfan89 27

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Friday 28 October 2011 16:12

Seriously kill the snake so it doesn't happen again

bitchslapped22 14

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Friday 28 October 2011 16:17

3 times

Isoldael 27

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Friday 28 October 2011 19:25

As for snakes eating dead animals and being attracted to blood - there is generally no need to "trick" them into eating, unless you call putting dead mice next to them "tricking". Some snakes will refuse to eat that. It's generally advised to cut the mouse up a little or open up its skull so that the smell of organs and blood is stronger. Most snakes will eat then, so apparently the smell of blood does do something.

CaptainTwiggy 0

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Friday 28 October 2011 12:07

Be a good friend, OP. Walk around naked to help her find her snake.

DjeePee 24

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Friday 28 October 2011 12:08

She even doesn't have to walk around naked. Snakes can smell very good, so he's probably already slithering in her pants.

CaptainTwiggy 0

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Friday 28 October 2011 12:21

Probably. I'm sure it'd be far more fun to look for a snake while naked, though. Leaving a trail of blood behind yourself is a real mood setter.

narrowords 18

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Friday 28 October 2011 20:18

They can smell very well? I don't think they smell good, but then again, I'm not a snake sniffer...

ILoveCTP 3

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Sunday 30 October 2011 2:50

They can. My hand smelled like mouse so mine bit me

Buttsexpirate 9

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Friday 28 October 2011 12:08

While in the bathroom you're gonna hear "Feed me ssssseymour!"

Adman567 9

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Friday 28 October 2011 13:31

Haha LSH

Carlie_McCartney 1

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Friday 28 October 2011 12:10

Oh, then you should have no trouble at all finding him :)

javierb88 3

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Friday 28 October 2011 12:10

Feelsgoodman

pitchblease 2

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Friday 28 October 2011 12:13

Snake here, I just wanted to let you know your roommate intentionally let's me out, she hates you. PS: I'm gonna kill you b!tch!

theevilduchess 12

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Friday 28 October 2011 13:46

Bahahaha! That's bloody great!

gurly98 13

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Friday 28 October 2011 22:28

What da crap dude

Justforlolz 14

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Friday 28 October 2011 23:58

9- ... the fuck?

reptileguy1296 0

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Monday 28 November 2011 6:26

Snakes aren't attracted to blood as their primary diet consists of lizards, mice, rats, eggs, frogs, and other small animals. There's no way a nonvenomous snake under 15 ft. could kill you, btw.