Dating, the best funniest jokes

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Today, I was bowling with a woman I like. At the end of the night, I was trying to decide whether I should ask her out. I went up to her and said, "It was fun bowling with you." She said, "Thank you, Patrick." My name isn't Patrick. FML

By Anonymous - 28/7/2021 23:01 - United States - Portland

Who are you?

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100

Today, I went on a second date with a seemingly great guy. Over drinks, I asked him what his plans for the future were. He replied that he wanted to have at least two kids, so he could start a family vlog prank channel. I laughed. He was serious. FML

By Rachelle - 20/7/2021 22:01

The long scam

835

Today, I met up with a couple I know, who wanted to introduce me to someone. I thought they were setting me up with her, but no. They were coming out as polyamorous, and she was their new girlfriend. FML

By Fourth Wheel - 15/7/2021 11:01

Leave some for the rest of us

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Today, I received a new like on a dating site… from my extremely creepy second cousin. FML

By Nothanksimdone - 9/7/2021 15:59

Dude…

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Today, after a great double date with my best friend and two really hot guys, we went back to my place. My friend and I left the guys in the living room to go grab some more wine. When we came back, we found our dates making out with each other on the couch. FML

By dudeWTF - 3/7/2021 10:59 - United States

Peter and Pan

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Today, after spending the night with my girlfriend for the first time, I discovered why she would always want to rush home after dinner dates. Her stomach gurgles so loudly after eating, I can hear it in the next room over, with the TV on. This apparently happens no matter what she eats. FML

By rond9 - 6/6/2021 04:01

That's kinda sweet

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Today, I went on a date with an amazing girl. The date was going well, until she started eating. Although her mouth was closed the entire time, she somehow still made the loudest, most disgusting chewing noises I’ve ever heard. I felt bad about dumping her over that, but I just couldn’t continue. FML

By tiaox - 4/6/2021 11:01

Grossed out

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Today, I took a girl out on a date. We had dinner, we had good conversation, the vibe was excellent, and everything was great. I took her to a bar I frequent after for a couple of drinks to finish the night. She left with some other dude on his motorcycle. FML

By Anonymous - 25/5/2021 00:01

1026

Today, while on a date with an amazing guy, I burped. He called me a disgusting pig and immediately left. I have burped a total of three times in my life and have therefore never learned how to control it. FML

By gross - 23/5/2021 02:00

Belch monster

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Today, I was talking to the girl I have a date with on Friday, and for the second day in a row, I misheard her and thought she was saying something about moving in with me. Friday is our first date. FML

By Anonymous - 22/5/2021 17:01

Foreshadowing

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Today, I went out on a date with a cute girl. Everything was going great, until the food arrived. She not only shoveled food into her mouth like it was going to run away, she also smacked, sucked her fingers and laughed out loud with her mouth completely full. It was like dining with a 5-year-old. FML

By Cookie Monster nom nom - 17/5/2021 15:01 - United States

Pleased to meet you

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Today, I was called fatphobic for rejecting an overweight man who asked me on a date. I don’t know how to force myself to be attracted to fat people. There’s just nothing there. FML

By erin - 16/5/2021 17:01

Honest discrimination

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Today, I finally decided to try to get a date with the girl I like at work. While I was looking for her around the office, her supervisor approached me. She's in the hospital due to Covid-19. FML

By John S. - 25/4/2021 16:59

Seize the day

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Today, I went on a date. I didn’t want to go to his house, but we all have needs. I told him I should leave because I needed my medication in the morning. Passed out. Woke up, had a seizure, then made him go to my apartment to get my meds. This was a first date. FML

By Anonymous - 23/4/2021 08:08

Great first date

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Today, after having asked me out on Monday, the guy I like angrily cancelled our date because I "hadn't bothered" even talking to him for "several days". One day. You didn't hear from me on Monday. It's now Tuesday. That's one day, dick. FML

By fartbucket51995129565 - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - New York

Richard ?

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Today, I went on a first day with a guy. It went well up until he saw my phone, loudly declared that I was ‘gross’ for having an iPhone, and then stormed out. I’m on a family plan and if it were my choice, I would have got an Android. FML

By katw - 10/3/2021 02:01

Weirdo geek freaks out

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Today, I matched with someone on a dating app. The first thing they said to me was, "What is the chance that you are the trombone player living below me and would you please stop playing after 9 p.m.?" I am that trombone player and due to Covid I have to practice a lot in my apartment. FML

By Anonymous - 9/3/2021 21:30

Horn section

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Today, while on a date, I accidentally ordered "diet water" instead of saying "diet coke". FML

By Anonymous - 3/3/2021 23:01

First impressions

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Today, I met what I thought was a decent guy, via an introduction by my pregnant friend. She's dating his brother. The guy was dropping my friend and me off, but on the way out of the door he slapped her on the butt and smiled. FML

By Anonymous - 29/1/2021 08:01

This Charming Man

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Today, I had the best date I've had in my life, until after we ate and split an expensive dinner out, we came back to my place and she then told me she was homeless, and wasn't looking to date but for a couch to crash on. She won't leave. Happy fucking New Year. FML

By Anonymous - 10/1/2021 08:01

Squatters' rights

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Today, while shopping with my sister, she asked me to wait for her while she quickly said hello to a friend. I sat on a bench for an hour before I realised she wasn't coming back. Turns out, "Hello" had turned into a date. FML

By Anonymous - Australia

Abandoned

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Today, wanting to impress my date, I bullshitted her about how I was an environmental scientist. She got so impressed that she invited me over to her place. Not her home, her office. So that I could give her pointers on her current project. She's a real environmental scientist. FML

By is there a environmental scientist in the house? - United States - Walnut Creek

Alexa, play "Policy of Truth" by Depeche Mode

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Today, I went on a date, the first one I've been on since my last boyfriend broke up with me 6 months ago. We were at a restaurant, and at the end of meal he insisted on paying the bill. He wanted to leave a 15% tip but couldn't work out in his head how much to leave. The bill was for £100. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Smart

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Today, I had a blind date that my friend set me up for. My date was the ugliest, most disgusting person you will ever meet, but I thought that I would give him a chance. He saw me, eyed me up and down, then said to my friend, "You're kidding, right?" FML

By BlackCheetah101 - Australia

Reverse Uno card

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