Today, I went to the free clinic down the street to prove to my girlfriend I don't have any STDs so that we can finally have sex. Turns out I have one. FML
Today, I was warning a girl in my art class to be careful with a Stanley knife, as she had managed to cut her finger quite badly. Just as I said it, I sliced my finger open with a Stanley knife. FML
Today, my old boss stiffed me on a large sum of money he owes me. I tried to contact him and point out that he legally owes me the money, but he won't answer his texts or his phone, and the managers say he changes the subject whenever they bring it up. FML
Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes for a moment and said, "You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street." FML
Today, I found out about my sister's insanely detailed plan to abduct my one-year-old son and raise him as her own on another continent. All my mom did was tell me not to worry because she can't afford to move that far away. FML
Dnamei tells us more.
Dnamei 20
OP here, made an account so I can answer some questions. My sister is 26, I'm 22. We got along pretty good, untill I met and married my husband and started a family. She lives with my parents, and is in a very bad relationship. When I met my husband, my sis tried to get me grounded (!) and tried to convince my parents not to let me see him. She also tried to blackmail me into not seeing him. She was against the marriage, and cried and screamed when she learned I was pregnant, saying I don't deserve what she doesn't have, claiming it won't be special when she has a baby because she wasn't the first to give my parents grandchildren (my parents don't think that way, they'll love every grandchild). My son is a very sweet and charming little guy, he sleeps through the night, is always happy, eats everything, rarely gets sick, crawls,... He's a very easy baby to care for, and everyone loves him and he loves everyone. The plan I found was in a notebook, while helping my parents clean out the attic. It included my husbands workschedule, and the days my son goes to daycare. Also what my son eats and his medical reccord. Her country of choice is Australia. A few days before this discovery, she asked me if she could take my boy to the zoo, alone. I refuses because he had a slight fever, and I'm very happy I did. My son has a kids-ID, my sister isn't allowed to be alone with him anymore, and I alerted the daycare to NEVER let her take him home. When I confronted her, she said it was just a joke, she was just 'messing with her little sister'. The notebook was hidden in a pile of schoolnotes, if we didn't clean the attic, we'd never know. Sorry for the long text, and sorry for my english. Ps: My dad was close to the airport when the bomb went of, but he didn't get hurt. My family and friends are scared and shaken, but safe. We mourn for the victims
Today, I found out how painful it is to static shock the tip of your dick. FML
Today, I was washing my hands in the bathroom when I looked up and saw a spider on my cheek. Panicking, I slapped myself in the face as hard as I could to kill it. Turns out the spider was on the mirror. FML
Today, I was taking my grandma shopping, when she pointed at a pair of thongs and told me if I don’t start wearing them I won’t get a man. I've been married for 4 years, gran. Thanks for paying attention. FML
Today, I discovered that my mom bought roll on stick glue that looks quite a bit like deodorant. It was early in the morning and I was groggy. Long story short, I had to cut every one of my pit hairs. FML
Today, my boss reeks of mothballs. We share a cubicle. FML
Today, a customer filed a complaint against me because my coworker took too long to do a price check. I hate my job. FML
Today, I was having some intense sex with my boyfriend. I was wailing so loud that my neighbors decided to call the police on us. According to them, it sounded like I was "being tortured to death". FML
Today, while out with my boyfriend I accidentally let out a rather large fart. I was in such shock the only sentence I could make was "I farted." Clearly he was in shock too because the only words he could utter were "I know." FML
Today, I'm a 27-year-old back-to-school university student. Everyone hates me because I'm actually interested in participating in my classes and getting good grades, instead of partying, cheating in exams, and generally not giving a crap. Apparently I make them look bad. FML
HollyThorne tells us more.
Hi, this is OP! I'm not doing the whole partying and not giving a crap part because I've already done that when I was their age so now that I'm older I'm more focused on the important stuff like getting a degree. Still, I underdtand where they are coming from, I was also like them when I was 19. Also, I am working as a freelancer on the Internet 30+hr/week so I'm way too busy and tired to get wild! The reason I think the other students don't like me (there are exceptions, of course) is because I really found myself in the field I'm studying now and like to participate in class discussions with questions and my opinions. Also, since I'm older I'm not that intimidated with my professors so I have a more friendly (but still respectful) relationship with them and they like me for my curiosity and interest. Maybe the class think that I'm a smartass or something. But I am super grateful for your support especially now when I'm tired and frustrated with it all and I will keep going for my own well being :)
Today, I was at work at Panera. A blind woman came in, ordered, and said other blind people were going to come in soon, because they were having a meeting. Later, a man came in and asked if any other blind people had showed up. I told him there was just one in here wearing a blue shirt. FML
Today, my mother and I saw a stall selling colourful treats at the shopping centre. Some were placed on small dishes, so we thought we'd sample their goods. Turns out that the colourful goodies that we'd bit into were very creative pieces of soap. FML
Today, I was stretching on the balcony, when I heard my neighbor's daughter scream. She was playing in their kiddie pool and thought I was peeping on her. And now her parents think so too. FML
Today, I was at my job as a bagger in a grocery store when I felt the intense need to shit. On my way to the bathroom, an elderly customer insisted I go with her to find an item she needed, despite my telling her exactly where it was and that I was in a hurry. I didn't make it back to the bathroom. FML
chocolateninja22 tells us more.
OP here - I'd like to say it's funny how the first ever fml I posted got here, but anyway. As a point of clarification, the grocery store I work in is kind of like a Walmart, but more centered around food with a bit of clothes and shit like that. Basically the store is ******* huge. It's not unlikely to be able to walk the store and not see another employee on the floor who would be able to help. And what she needed was on the opposite side of the store to the bathroom. Yeah....luckily I only told my manager and she let me go home and clocked me out so I could just ditch. I haven't gotten any looks from coworkers so I may be in the clear
Today, the CEO of my company wanted to meet with me. I was excited until I found out she just wanted to bitch me out and personally fire me. Later on, I found out my boss had totally shafted me and blamed the failure of a big project on me instead of admitting it was all his fault. FML
Today, I sent my friend a Snapchat without any makeup on. She asked what filter I used, because it made my face look all red and blotchy. FML
Today, as I couldn't get the airplane seat buckle to buckle, I faced the fact that I've been in denial about how fat I have become. The people in my row faced it too as I began to sob uncontrollably. FML
Today, my idiot neighbor decided the best way to dispose of the poison ivy in his yard was to pile it all up and burn it. I'm severely allergic. It was so bad that one of my eyes is still swollen half shut. FML
Today, I helped my parents out by tearing down the old, rusty swing set that's been in our backyard for years. Little did I know that there was a beehive hidden in the long grass, and I now have dozens of painful red bumps all over me. FML
Today, I found out why my husband doesn't want me to go to the doctor. It's not because of the reasonable copay. It's because he has let 3 other women use my insurance to give birth, in the last 4 years. They are all his. FML
Today, I decided to be honest and told my husband I didn't love him anymore. It ended with a warrant for his arrest. FML
ktpnothappening tells us more.
Hey guys! OP here. To clear things up, the warrant is for CDV and when hes arrested a no contact order will be in place. It wasn't a fun night. Our marriage wasn't doing well already because of his control issues, we were trying to work it out. After another argument, I told him we can't work this out, and my feelings had changed towards him. We went to bed with intentions of making a plan to start our separation the next day. He woke me up in the middle of the night to continue fighting, I told him we could talk about it in the morning. I guess he didn't like that, so he took it out on my face and threw me around like a rag doll. He tried to stop me from calling the cops, but I was able too. He decided to leave while I was on the phone with the police, taking all my cash and cards with him. I'm not perfect but I was a good wife and a pretty decent person, I didn't deserve it, no one does. Most of our arguments ended because he would start yelling and scare me into silence, I didn't want to live like that anymore. Anyway, hoped that cleared up some of the questions. A divorce is started, I'm relocating and leaving everything. I just want a happy, normal life.
Today, I decided to surprise my wife at her softball game. I saw her distinctive motorcycle jacket through the canvas dugout wall and decided that I would feel her up from behind, to surprise her. She lent her jacket to a friend. FML
Today, the Star Wars Cantina song had been stuck in my head since I woke up, as my brother was humming it. I finally managed to get it out of my head. Then my mom started to whistle it. It's stuck in my head again. FML
Today, I lost my balance trying to get my bag out of my car. In doing so, my lips came in contact with some bird poop. FML
Today, I was lying on the couch with my boyfriend and was feeling tired, so I got a soda. I sat back down and surprised him with a passionate kiss. I also surprised him when I suddenly burped right into his mouth. FML
Today, I watched porn on my phone for the first time and it went black and shut down. In reality my phone just died, but I thought for a few seconds that the government found me out. Paranoia much. FML
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