Miscellaneous: Today, my grandma said, "I know you don't have any plans tonight....

By my cheese grater + your dick - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, my grandma said, "I know you don't have any plans tonight. Do you want to go to bingo with me?" I said sure out of pity, and ended up being her designated driver after she got wasted later in the evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42009

You deserved it

5274

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Miscellaneous

Workaholic

This is fine

Jonah begs to differ

By jakethemuss - Australia - Perth

Today, I proposed to the love of my life by having the waitress place the ring in her dessert. She ate the whole thing and didn't find the ring. I guess the waitress stole the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48831

You deserved it

6704

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I tried to have a fun night out. I met a guy and we went back to "his" place, which turned out to actually be his mother's house. He introduced me to her. Two hours later, I knew his life story and had to do the walk of shame without ever getting anywhere near his bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52195

You deserved it

10204

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By HolyyMolyy

Quickie

Today, I was ecstatic to have received a friend request from my crush of grade 4 after 11 years. He's grown up to be such a hottie. I quickly accepted his request, he messaged me and we ended up chatting for hours. Later, when I messaged him, he called me clingy and unfriended me from Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13579

You deserved it

1990

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By MrsKSB - United States

Today, my boss was watching taser pranks online, when he said he was going to "get me". We often take turns playing pranks on each other, and I was the last to prank him. Now I'm terrified to move or turn my back on anything other than a wall at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23257

You deserved it

8501

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By teegtwo - United States

Today, my boyfriend said we can't have sex with the light on anymore. He said he can never finish because the face I make when I orgasm makes him laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44843

You deserved it

26944

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By mrjude

Whiner!

Today, my boss yelled at me, telling me that I can't answer the phone anymore. Not because I do a bad job, but because a co-worker whined about it being her job. People call her and complain about how rude she is and then ask to talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1655

You deserved it

Favorite

By small dick energy

Today, I found out just how much of a psychotically insecure nitwit my boyfriend is. He flew into a screaming rage that I was only adding cucumbers to my water and my meals lately to insinuate that he has a small penis. Yeah, I’m confused too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2376

You deserved it

222

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working a haunted house. I have a really good spot where I hide and scare people. This really hot guy was walking up, and I jumped out and screamed. He punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36418

You deserved it

7346

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By ihatemondays - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that it's an hour and 45 minutes quicker to get the bus to work, rather than the train. I've worked there for six years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22517

You deserved it

14237

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized my mom cares more about Kurt's bullying problem on Glee than she does for mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44926

You deserved it

4111

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By Anon E. Mouse - United States - Waterville

Today, my ex told me about how much the person she left me for loves the lingerie I bought her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27883

You deserved it

2213

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By Laceylace - United States

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a sexy letter designed to arouse him. I described what I wanted us to do to each other in the most erotic way. Later, he came up to me and hugged me, saying it was the funniest thing he ever read and he's glad he's in love with a girl with such a great sense of humor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68648

You deserved it

13130

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, the man that I have a crush on finally touched me. This would have been great, if not for the fact that it was to roll me on my side while I was having a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28308

You deserved it

1868

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By celticschick - 31/8/2020 16:59

And they same romance is dead…

Today, I had an important staff meeting via Zoom. My boyfriend got home from work, walked through the door and shouted, "BABE! I'M READY TO GET MY D*** SUCKED!" I wasn't on mute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2146

You deserved it

404

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By scaredy cat - 9/8/2020 14:02

Wuss

Today, my boyfriend is completely obsessed with zombie and horror movies. I don’t care what he watches, the only problem is the big wuss has horrible thrashing nightmares. Last night he thrashed so hard, he elbowed me in the face. I have a big swollen purple knot right on my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1380

You deserved it

138

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By PumaGator

Today, I was added to a random group chat. They were planning to film a porno and each member sent a nude. They were all grannies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16696

You deserved it

2067

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, I was bored of doing nothing so I decided to take my 4-year-old brother and 3 of our dogs to a school playground nearby. When we got there, one of the four of them pooped in the field. It wasn't one of the dogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25245

You deserved it

2164

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By Anonymous

Today, after weeks of no sex, my boyfriend finally decided to have sex with me. While we were getting into it I accidentally farted in his face while his mouth was open. No more sex for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2537

You deserved it

2032

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 02:01

Awkward

Today, I saw my friend's ex and noticed she had gained a ton of weight since he dated her and had been dating someone else. It reminded me of my friend, so I messaged him and made a joke about her being unrecognizable. He informed me that they started seeing each other again last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

356

You deserved it

1070

Favorite

By selfesteemboost - Belize

Today, one of my dorm-mates started laughing at a bra hanging to dry in our bathroom. She thought it was hilarious that a college student would still have "such small, baby tits." It was my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29992

You deserved it

3102

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By FractalSanity - Canada

Today, my best friend was crying because her boyfriend is a retard. I brought my thumb up to wipe a tear off her face, and somehow stuck it up her nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26549

You deserved it

11400

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By BrokeAsHell - Australia - Werribee

Today, my landlord emailed me, stating that she hasn't been receiving my rent. After some investigation, I found out she's been using the money to buy booze, and hasn't been putting it into the house owner's account. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50798

You deserved it

2865

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Tauranga

Today, I lost my virginity. He then told me, in tears, how bad he felt about leaving his dog alone for the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31105

You deserved it

3367

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By theshad - Reserved

Today, I was in a meeting with my boss and superiors as well as our clients. About two hours in I started playing with the lid of the pen I was using, next thing I saw was the lid flicking up and hitting my boss square in the middle of the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9926

You deserved it

28632

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By non believer - United States

Today, I told my parents I no longer believe in the religion they strictly raised me under. They responded by kicking me out of the house. I'm broke, jobless and the only person that will take me in is my psycho ex-girlfriend who never got over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38485

You deserved it

16419

Favorite

By leenibeani4 - United States

Today, at the eye doctor, they asked for my birth date for the files. My dad answered quickly, "May 28, 1994." It was embarrassing to have to correct him with "April 19, 1993." Who's May 28? Way to go dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30087

You deserved it

2457

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By ugh - United States

Today, I got home early from work. When I got home I got to see my dad chasing my mom around the house, naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33964

You deserved it

3588

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By Anonymous - Australia - Darlinghurst

Today, a new session started for my swimming squad. I walked down to the pool, tripped over a stray equipment bag, and belly-flopped into the pool in front of everyone, fully clothed. I'm the coach. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43990

You deserved it

5087

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By fs - United States - Northfield

Today, I realized that no matter what I accomplish in life, I'll always be remembered for being the son of a woman so stupid that she claimed she used to be Elvis Presley's mistress. She was still an infant when he died. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48301

You deserved it

3275

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By andromeda80 - United States - Lakewood

Today, someone spray painted a black skull on the side of my house. We painted over it and installed lights to hopefully persuade intruders not to vandalize the property because it would be a bright area. The lights were stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26390

You deserved it

2794

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By Sfg_926 - United States - Newberg

Today, I told one of my coworkers that she looked really cute today. Later she sent an email to me and cc'd the entire office saying "It really makes me feel uncomfortable when you say things like that to me. And I shouldn't have to feel that way at work." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14313

You deserved it

3116

Favorite

By fruitoftheloom - United States - Scottsdale

Today, my girlfriend took off my pants for the first time. She was more impressed by the pattern on my boxers than by my cock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37802

You deserved it

7282

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By Anonymous - United States - South Sioux City

Today, my teacher marked a test question wrong, even though I was sure I got it right, so I went online to check. I found a government-approved website showing proof that my answer was correct. My teacher still counted it wrong, because, "we follow the book". That book's older than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15635

You deserved it

861

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By Anonymous - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I was at the gym. I'm 360 lbs and have finally decided it's time to change that. Some girl and her two bitch friends thought it'd be fun to follow me and belittle me at everything I did. When I mentioned it to the staff, they said that they were just "encouraging" me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34010

You deserved it

2254

Favorite

By mike - United States

Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded her head approvingly, and with a straight face told me it was good practice for when I inevitably go to prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29064

You deserved it

4503

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Middleton

Today, I was chased out of my own house by my wife's lover's dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39796

You deserved it

3348

Favorite

By jobless - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, HR sent a review email to me asking me to anonymously tell them about my boss. I decided to use this opportunity to tell them what a dick he was. I printed off the review, filled it out, then scanned and emailed it to myself. Or so I thought. Turns out I'd sent the review to my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19330

You deserved it

18417

Favorite

By minime94 - United States - Sunset

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend while we were on my couch having a romantic moment. She seemed incredibly excited when she saw the ring and put it on. The way she bolted out the door tells me I'm not going to see her again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31774

You deserved it

2489

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were planning how to spend the day together. When I suggested we start off with some fun in bed, then get some pizza and play his favorite video game, he sighed, "Can't we just go straight to gaming?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

63920

You deserved it

8429

Favorite

By Crappy - Canada - Rodney

Today, I got trapped in my building's elevator for over an hour, with my dog who I had been rushing outside with because he had explosive diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37404

You deserved it

2976

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Top comments

By beckiebear | 15

#5830335 - Friday 17 January 2014 23:52

Party with grandma! You should have just drank with her and taken a cab home. Live it up, OP!

By pistachiopanda | 19

#5830336 - Friday 17 January 2014 23:52

Ever stop to think that she invited you out of pity? Harsh.

COMMENTS

By beckiebear | 15

#5830335 - Friday 17 January 2014 23:52

Party with grandma! You should have just drank with her and taken a cab home. Live it up, OP!

patrickalamo | 47

#5830559 - Saturday 18 January 2014 3:45

Your Granny rocks!!!

By pistachiopanda | 19

#5830336 - Friday 17 January 2014 23:52

Ever stop to think that she invited you out of pity? Harsh.

tomwantssnow | 14

#5830420 - Saturday 18 January 2014 0:49

That, or she really needed a DD

SpunkyyyMonkeyy | 10

#5833378 - Monday 20 January 2014 18:48

Pity party!! :D

By Opheliae | 22

#5830337 - Friday 17 January 2014 23:53

Did you win anything?

By Gingerette | 8

#5830339 - Friday 17 January 2014 23:53

Crazy grandparents these days are more interesting than I am..

By PoofTopComment | 4

#5830340 - Friday 17 January 2014 23:53

And were supposed to feel bad for you? I wish my grandma's was like that!

By xSkittle | 16

#5830341 - Friday 17 January 2014 23:53

At least you had something to do! And grandma had a good time, yay for her!

By cmorgan119 | 10

#5830343 - Friday 17 January 2014 23:53

Next time trick your sibling into being the DD and party with your grandma.

By purebliss_fml | 19

#5830356 - Friday 17 January 2014 23:57

New bingo drinking game:
Take a shot every time a number is called.

EdenCrystal | 21

#5830444 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:18

:O But what if you got too drunk to realize you got a bingo?!?

Nordrag | 26

#5830446 - Saturday 18 January 2014 1:23

keep drinking

By cuppycakeslove | 20

#5830358 - Friday 17 January 2014 23:58

Damn your grandma needs to teach me how to party

By Mynamewontfi | 40

#5830359 - Friday 17 January 2014 23:59

At least she was responsible enough to get a designated driver. You would've otherwise spend the night playing with cheese graters and dicks anyways.