Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner,...

By derve - 7/11/2012 23:48 - United States

Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes for a moment and said, "You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street." FML

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Love

Superficial World

No one likes a smart-ass

You snooze, you lose

By Today - 7/9/2010 02:26 - United States

Today, I had to play Paper, Rock or Scissors and beat my boyfriend in order to get him to take a shower. FML

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By jerrid - 21/2/2010 18:05 - United States

Today, a drunk man opened the unlocked door to my house thinking it was his house. He tried to attack me because he thought I was a burglar. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2012 03:33 - United States

Today, I was getting dirty with my boyfriend. It was the first time he had fingered anyone, and the only thing he said was, "It feels like the inside of my asshole." FML

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By Humaned - 13/3/2016 20:54 - Cura?ao - Willemstad

Today, my school is making us take care of eggs for a teen pregnancy awareness project. Ever since we got the eggs, I've had nightmares, and people question why I don't want kids. FML

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By Notabum - 31/8/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, I received official notification that my license was being suspended for multiple DUIs. Apparently, my brother is a drunk and has been using my ID. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2017 06:00

FML Uncensored

Today, me and my boyfriend had sex but stopped when I felt pain down stairs. That evening he wanted me to go to the emergency room but I wanted to sleep it off. Turned out I needed surgery. One of my fallopian tubes had ripped. The sex was so rough, I got an intravenous hemorrhage. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 17:24

Today, my manager gave me hell for leaving the restaurant early yesterday. Guilty as charged, but only because I was rushed to the hospital after going into diabetic shock. This assmunch is convinced that I either faked it all to get off work early, or that I'd been eating our own stock. FML

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By Nick - 14/7/2009 02:04 - United States

Today, while I was working as a waitress, I had to wait on a table of 13 people. I was struggling through it and when they finally left I went by the table to pick up my tip. Instead of a money I got a napkin saying "Here's your tip, don't be a waitress." FML

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By i guess - 3/5/2014 00:03 - United States - Hamilton

Today, my boss told our production department that we're not allowed to be happy. FML

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By not even interested - 15/10/2017 16:00

Today, at a wedding reception, I accidentally caught the bouquet. I got cussed out by the women who were fighting over it for being uninvited and party crashing. I'm a busgirl and the bouquet only landed on the tray I was holding. FML

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By stupiddog - 15/4/2014 12:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my house was robbed. My two 70-pound German Shepherds obeyed me when I told them to attack. They also obeyed the robber when he said, "Sit". FML

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By Whatthehell - 22/10/2017 05:00

Today, my husband's mistress purposely and dangerously induced her own labor so that she would have the baby on my birthday. Yes, I'm divorcing him. FML

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By starley - 13/8/2010 09:11 - United States

Today, my husband of 3 years, who I have a 1 year old daughter with, told me he wants a divorce, but who knows, maybe in the future we can "date." FML

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By great. - 2/1/2013 18:59

Today, I went on a first date with the guy I really like. During our dinner, he said he needed to go to the bathroom. You guessed it: he didn't come back. FML

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By Money Shot - 15/7/2018 06:00

Today, I was sunbathing by my pool, totally naked. After a while I got a boner and decided to jerk off. As I was about to finish, I rolled over to cum on the deck, but when I rolled back, my elderly neighbor yelled, "Don't do that in the open if you won’t give up the money shot." FML

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By mishie1 - 21/2/2012 12:44 - United States

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2014 21:29 - United States - Toledo

Today, I went to a Father's Day lunch with my dad and his fiancée. He suddenly began to describe, in detail, the vasectomy he'd just had, and that I shouldn't be expecting any new siblings any time soon. Thanks for the mental image, Dad. FML

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By nico - 1/7/2011 04:15 - United States

Today, I broke my collarbone in a rugby tournament. I was forced to sit through five more hours of games because the coach wouldn't take me to the hospital until the tournament was over. FML

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By sumhub94 - 14/5/2013 16:48 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 4-year-old, and we decided to play a game of hide and seek. Before he started to count, he looked me in the eyes and said that if I hid in his spot, he'd murder me with a knife when he grows up. I have to babysit this kid for the rest of the summer. FML

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By Junior - 26/1/2010 07:35 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of my dad constantly hitting on her. Not because she was disgusted, but because she wants to date him. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2013 07:49 - United States

Today, I took my 13 year old fishing off the pier for dogfish. The only thing he caught was a piece of my ear. FML

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By StrawberryJuicey - 13/12/2009 18:39 - United States

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to get sized. I put the card that says my size in my pocket, then went to the movies with my boyfriend. When the person at the counter asked me to hand them my ticket, I reached into my pocket and handed it to them. It wasn't the ticket. It was my bra size. FML

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By supervisor - 6/11/2009 03:43 - United States

Today, at work I wrote up my boyfriend (whom I've been secretly dating, because I'm his supervisor) for being $40 short on his register. Our policy is to write up anyone short over $10. He got mad and told my boss we're dating, and I was instantly fired. Then I got dumped for being a "tattle-tale". FML

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By mrboston - 1/9/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, my college roommate whom I've never met moved in. Good thing I wasn't completely naked, playing with myself on the couch when he walked in. That would've been awkward. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2014 05:51 - United States - Hicksville

Today, my girlfriend sent me a bunch of sexy pics and said to come over to her place. I thought she was in the mood for sex. Nope, she just wanted me to come over and hang a shelf, after which she sent me back home. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 01:23 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my husband told me he cheated on me two years ago with his ex-fiancée. In the process, he got her pregnant, but said it was okay, because she didn't keep it. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, everyone at work was demanding I stage a party at my house. I agreed to it and rushed home to tidy up before the guests arrived. No one showed up. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2019 00:07

Today, I was sitting in Walmart when I saw an attractive woman walking by. Being the single guy I am, I went up to her and asked if she needed help with carrying her groceries. She responded with, "You know I'm a guy, right?" FML

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By indianaxx - 30/1/2010 17:21 - France

Today, my dad came out of a hotel bathroom with nothing but a wash-cloth over his crotch and said "look! this place has cotton loin clothes" in front of my wedding party. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2014 16:16 - United States - Port Lavaca

Today, it's been three weeks since my dad finished growing what he calls a "Jesus beard" and gone out asking for donations and claiming to be Jesus Christ. I've been trying and failing to get a job for 2 years, and he's already raking in cash from gullible idiots. FML

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By cleb - 22/3/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that the seeds of the Cherimoya fruit are toxic. I found out by eating the entire fruit, including all seeds. FML

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By B'Dawk - 14/10/2018 13:30

Today, I found out my girlfriend has been putting boogers in my belly button when I don't pay attention to her while we watch tv. FML

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By jobless - 8/9/2016 18:18 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, after a month at my new job, my boss fired me because I didn't have enough experience. She hired me with full knowledge of this fact. FML

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By stubblebutt - 13/11/2009 12:17 - Australia

Today, my date arrived far earlier than expected to pick me up. Apparently my mother decided to show him to my room anyway. When the door swung open, I happened to be butt naked in front of the mirror, trying to pick out an ingrown hair on my bum. FML

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By anonymous - 14/3/2012 05:18 - Canada

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my fiancé, when he jumped up and viciously sat on my face. I then heard, smelled, and tasted the most violent, horrific fart known to man. I still can't get the taste out of my mouth, and he can't stop laughing. I'm getting married to this guy. FML

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By anonymous - 18/3/2011 07:35

Today, I went to the airport to start the amazing 3 week vacation in Costa Rica that I've been saving for and planning for more than a year. They wouldn't let me on the plane because my passport expires in less than 6 months. FML

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By hunchbackofnotredamn - 29/9/2015 08:33 - United Kingdom - Southam

Today, I had to stand up on a train for my 4-hour journey. Why? Two pregnant women flew into unbridled rage with me over sitting in the priority seating, saying I was selfish. I'm recovering from spinal surgery. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 06:34 - Netherlands

Today, I came home sick. After a while I received a text message. I thought it was a sweet 'how are you baby?' from my boyfriend. It wasn't. He sent: 'Hey, I'm going to work now. Please do not disturb. Thank you!' FML

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By myasshurts - 14/10/2011 23:03 - United States

Today, while lying in bed with my boyfriend after some steamy lovemaking, he sat up, slapped my ass with excruciating force, and screamed, "I AM THE THUNDER!" directly into my ear. It seems our senses of humor differ considerably. FML

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By MomLovesMeLessThanTrash - 14/8/2011 04:36 - United States

Today, I slipped on a plastic bag that my mom, the hoarder, was keeping on the stairs. I fell and sprained my ankle, getting rug burn in the process. Her response? Getting mad at me, putting the bag back on the stairs, then getting another to add to the pile. FML

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Top comments

By natsaysheyyy | 16

#5127016 - Thursday 8 November 2012 8:50

The Cookie Monster smiles down on you.

By KissMyButtocks | 6

#5127022 - Thursday 8 November 2012 8:52

Well which character?

Comments

By natsaysheyyy | 16

#5127016 - Thursday 8 November 2012 8:50

The Cookie Monster smiles down on you.

shayshayshazam | 14

#5127244 - Thursday 8 November 2012 10:57

They were having dinner, not dessert!

gc327072 | 29

#5127607 - Thursday 8 November 2012 14:56

He's got 99 cookies 'cause a bitch ate one.

manicethemage | 9

#5128076 - Thursday 8 November 2012 18:09

The cable's out again, huh?

Snazzy_Snaz | 17

#5129402 - Friday 9 November 2012 4:08

if Mitt Romney won, OP would surely "disappear"

xXHollowIchigoXx | 17

#5130469 - Friday 9 November 2012 6:32

#53 HA!

It's funny because Mitt Romney wanted to stop funding sesame street. I guess people didn't get that...

AllThingsBright_ | 11

#5132912 - Friday 9 November 2012 23:14

57- once you explain the joke it's not quite as funny... But cookie monster will give you a cookie for keeping up with current events.

By KissMyButtocks | 6

#5127022 - Thursday 8 November 2012 8:52

Well which character?

annie_nk | 22

#5127080 - Thursday 8 November 2012 9:19

Hopefully not Oscar.

ViQValentine | 3

#5127418 - Thursday 8 November 2012 12:53

Snuffaluffagus! :D (sorry folks, that might not be spelled right)

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5127425 - Thursday 8 November 2012 12:56

If it's Bert, she's just giving you a hint about your eyebrows.

By Mrjangleybits | 1

#5127023 - Thursday 8 November 2012 8:53

Hey, I find elmo and his buddies are pretty good looking guys.

U_GotitDude | 18

#5128526 - Thursday 8 November 2012 21:05

La la la la, la la la la, Elmo's worlddd

By Jmotore | 3

#5127048 - Thursday 8 November 2012 9:01

She's a kid at heart

By LlamaUprising | 10

#5127049 - Thursday 8 November 2012 9:01

I've seen a lot of people who look like characters from the muppets, so it's definitely possible.

By Bikkleman | 2

#5127052 - Thursday 8 November 2012 9:03

Boo hoo. Get over it! How did she say it? It could have been cute, playful, etc.
it's hardly a FYL moment

By Enslaved | 36

#5127063 - Thursday 8 November 2012 9:10

Grover as the clumsy waiter was always my favorite!(:

By Draxanoth | 15

#5127066 - Thursday 8 November 2012 9:11

If it's Big Bird, run!! Mitt Romney is after you!

By superHydrate | 4

#5127078 - Thursday 8 November 2012 9:19

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

annie_nk | 22

#5127100 - Thursday 8 November 2012 9:24

I don't seem to recall them being Muppets. Or on Sesame Street.

tne201992 | 12

#5127185 - Thursday 8 November 2012 10:21

That's Disney.

neeni88 | 23

#5127271 - Thursday 8 November 2012 11:08

I think 9 means that the OP's girlfriend is Beauty and he is the Beast.

xXxIracebethxXx | 14

#5127400 - Thursday 8 November 2012 12:45

22 - Still irrelevant to Sesame Street. Besides, the girlfriend didn't day he was ugly/a beast.

By jjtothemax17 | 6

#5127096 - Thursday 8 November 2012 9:24

Some of them are cute! It might be a compliment.