Love: Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner,...

07/11/2012 23:48 - United States

Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes for a moment and said, "You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 150

You deserved it 2 157

Love

Dysfunctional

And today, on Dr Phil…

Mama's boy

08/03/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was driving down the road when I got to a red light. I looked over and saw a hot chick in a convertible so I spoke to my window thinking she couldn't hear me "Hey girl, I may have a tiny dick but I make up for it in speed and stamina." She looked over. I forgot about the sunroof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 538

You deserved it 86 722

Boing!

By nurse - 13/09/2019 02:01 - Norway

Today, I was giving a patient an injection when I heard a cracking sound and the needle was gone. Panicking, I got a doctor to have a look. The patient was sent to have x-rays to find the needle in her thigh. I then noticed the springback system in the syringe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 133

You deserved it 966

05/03/2011 06:07 - Canada

Today, I was performing a show about pirates for a youth program. A child started crying because I wasn't a real pirate. A little girl took my defense: "He's a real pirate, his teeth are all yellow!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 534

You deserved it 11 349

27/01/2018 01:30

Today, my angry ex-girlfriend ordered a bong to my house in my name. I came home to my parents screaming at me, demanding to know where "the weed" was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 187

You deserved it 479

12/10/2009 19:31 - Canada

Today, after working another double shift because I want to buy my boyfriend a really expensive anniversary present, I get to his apartment to find him calculating in how many paychecks he'll be able to afford a Caribbean getaway. For himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 500

You deserved it 3 577

04/02/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, my 400 pound roommate brought home a 400 pound guy. Now there's 800 pounds of sex going on in the next room, and it sounds like the invasion of Normandy in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 782

You deserved it 7 386

04/02/2012 05:12 - United States

Today, I received a single, hand-made Valentine's card from the weirdest kid in the school. It said, "If you ever get mauled by a bear, I hope he doesn't damage your face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 167

You deserved it 5 583

19/05/2012 19:50 - Bulgaria - Rousse

Today, my wardrobe door jammed, and I couldn't change out into some nice clothes for my date. On the way there, my car broke down. Not wanting to be late and make a bad impression, I scuttled the rest of the way, only to find I'd been stood up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 865

You deserved it 2 360

08/08/2009 22:17 - Australia

Today, I competed in a ballet competition and made the finals, while I was on stage awaiting the results, I sneezed really loudly and snot went flying all over the stage. When I went to accept my award the woman presenting it refused to shake my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 625

You deserved it 8 783

03/11/2016 13:16

Today, I received a letter from my landlord's attorney. It said my landlord is terminating my "verbal" lease with him. Ten years ago, the deal began as rent to own. My landlord is my grandfather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 826

You deserved it 726

11/02/2010 18:35 - United States

Today, I was carrying a hot cup of noodles. I sneezed and accidentally stabbed myself in the forehead with a fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 435

You deserved it 5 560

21/05/2009 23:46 - United States

Today, I was walking in Walmart and this cute guy walked by me and winked. I thought he wanted to talk so I followed him around the store trying to catch up. Turns out it wasn't a wink, he had something in his eye. And he told the security person that a weird girl was stalking him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 081

You deserved it 52 241

08/01/2011 22:06 - United States

Today, I went to my dad and new stepmom's house for the week. Upon arrival, I was handed mouthwash, deodorant, and lice shampoo. The guest bed I was told I'd be sleeping in was fitted with a plastic mattress cover. I don't have lice and I don't wet the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 020

You deserved it 2 852

16/02/2010 00:08 - United States

Today, like all days, my cat brought something to my doorstep. Usually it's a slew of dead mice; but today he decided to bring this big, ugly snake. I'm always the only one in my family 'brave' enough to go fetch our cat's gift. It took until lifting it up to realize the snake wasn't dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 839

You deserved it 3 055

10/06/2011 08:09 - United States

Today, I was given a new nickname at work due to my boss always confusing me with one of my co-workers who is taller than me. Someone suggested he just call us the same name to make it simpler, and the tall one would be big and the short one little. Everyone at my job now calls me Little Dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 459

You deserved it 4 767

02/04/2013 16:15 - United States

Today, my boss fired me from my job at a local family-owned business. Thanks, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 530

You deserved it 9 288

15/08/2018 15:00

Today, my business partners of 5 years asked me right after our 5-hour audit with the tax department, "Oh, we have to pay tax?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 847

You deserved it 361

15/07/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 654

You deserved it 10 103

Brain fog

By Anonymous - 01/05/2021 20:01

Today, I was at the dentist and got laughing gas to lessen the anxiety I get from the numbing shots. When I was good and "relaxed", an assistant leaned real close and said, "Open wide." I just stared back at her and widened my eyes. She had to clarify she was talking about my mouth. Duh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 781

You deserved it 209

26/12/2009 03:13 - United States

Today, my father went out to get batteries for the remote control helicopter I bought him for Christmas. In his excitement, he backed his truck into my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 042

You deserved it 2 910

Frenemies 2

By Anonymous - 28/06/2021 17:59

Today, my old frenemy told me she married my college boyfriend who made a fortune during the early days of Bitcoin. They have no kids, a massive house, retired when they were 45 and are moving to their retirement villa in Hawaii. I'm divorced and on benefits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 172

20/01/2012 10:42 - Ireland

Today, I got bored looking at porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 164

You deserved it 39 461

25/02/2010 00:15 - United States

Today, I was doing takeout orders at the restaurant I work at. I spent a long while putting together this guy's $135.00 order. When he finally got there to pick it up, I told him to fill out the credit card slip. I looked at it after he left. He gave me a 40 cent tip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 068

You deserved it 4 545

31/03/2015 09:35 - United States - Mabank

Today, I got in an argument with an ex-girlfriend who kept tactlessly bragging to me about her new boyfriend. I told her to read what she'd sent me, then pretend her boyfriend was telling her that. Fifteen minutes later, her boyfriend calls me, yelling for making her feel sad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 237

You deserved it 3 826

Sounds reasonable…

By Immaculatedream - 27/07/2013 07:56 - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 4 perfectly happy years together. The reason? He had a dream in which his dead former girlfriend from when he was 13 told him she still loved him. He now believes his dead childhood sweetheart is trying to contact him and I'm "in the way of their love." FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 451

You deserved it 4 592

02/03/2010 00:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my 14-year-old sister why one must not wear the same pair of knickers for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 375

You deserved it 2 436

So I got that goin' for me, which is nice...

By Notadrugdealer - 07/12/2017 15:00

Today, I was just browsing Facebook when my friend sent me a GoFundMe link. Someone wrote a page saying I killed myself and that we need money for funeral services. People are actually donating to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 518

You deserved it 338

04/08/2012 06:17 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I caught my boyfriend staring at my sister through the doorway while we were having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 941

You deserved it 9 449

31/12/2015 04:45 - United States - Turtle Lake

Today, I've been staying with my parents while I have time off from school. They got drunk and started an entire family fight because my dad made pizza and my mom is lactose intolerant. She insists my dad did it on purpose because "he's an asshole and knows I can't eat cheese." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 655

You deserved it 1 369

06/03/2014 00:36 - United States - Puyallup

Today, at work, I was standing around, doing nothing. When my coworker pointed this out, I laughed and said, "It's okay, I'm training for a supervisor position!" Guess who was standing right behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 877

You deserved it 18 695

02/04/2012 17:31 - United States

Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 270

You deserved it 38 812

21/04/2011 18:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The day before, I was too anxious to eat anything, so I went in with an empty stomach. There were complications during the extraction and now I'm not allowed to eat for the next 24 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 896

You deserved it 9 680

24/06/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, I went to write "Happy Bday, I Love You" on my girlfriend's car windows to surprise her when she woke up. I was the one who got the surprise when I saw her, in her backseat, having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 716

You deserved it 3 694

18/06/2018 15:00

Today, my new neighbors moved in across the street. Also today, they began to park at the end of my driveway. Not used to a car being there, I backed out and promptly hit it. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 280

You deserved it 1 103

The wrong sort of lock in

By Anonymous - 10/08/2021 09:59 - South Africa

Today, I gave my 10-month-old the house keys to keep her busy. I locked the burglar gate and left the door open. She can walk, and she threw the keys outside the gate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 198

You deserved it 1 213

06/06/2013 23:37 - United States

Today, at my new job at a funeral home, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't "lighten the hell up" while dealing with our grieving clients. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 817

You deserved it 4 732

Good morning

By Elliot - 22/07/2010 15:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I lifted up my blinds, only for them to detach from the wall, hit me on the head, knock a pile of paper over, spill a can of Pepsi, leave plaster all over the floor and a gaping hole in the wall above my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 082

You deserved it 4 313

17/03/2010 01:34 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when I heard a loud splashing noise to my right. I looked over only to see a woman not squatting but bending over, spreading her cheeks, peeing a horse-sized amount of pee. I can't un-see this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 339

You deserved it 3 335

11/03/2010 23:00 - United States

Today, while cleaning my car, I found my mother's underwear in the backseat. She'd borrowed my car last weekend because hers had been in the shop and she'd been called in to work. I see she put in for overtime. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 651

You deserved it 2 241

13/03/2016 20:54 - Cura?ao - Willemstad

Today, my school is making us take care of eggs for a teen pregnancy awareness project. Ever since we got the eggs, I've had nightmares, and people question why I don't want kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 049

You deserved it 1 719

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Top comments

natsaysheyyy 16

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Thursday 8 November 2012 8:50

The Cookie Monster smiles down on you.

KissMyButtocks 6

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Thursday 8 November 2012 8:52

Well which character?

natsaysheyyy 16

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Thursday 8 November 2012 8:50

The Cookie Monster smiles down on you.

shayshayshazam 14

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Thursday 8 November 2012 10:57

They were having dinner, not dessert!

gc327072 29

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Thursday 8 November 2012 14:56

He's got 99 cookies 'cause a bitch ate one.

manicethemage 9

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Thursday 8 November 2012 18:09

The cable's out again, huh?

Snazzy_Snaz 17

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Friday 9 November 2012 4:08

if Mitt Romney won, OP would surely "disappear"

xXHollowIchigoXx 17

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Friday 9 November 2012 6:32

#53 HA! It's funny because Mitt Romney wanted to stop funding sesame street. I guess people didn't get that...

AllThingsBright_ 11

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Friday 9 November 2012 23:14

57- once you explain the joke it's not quite as funny... But cookie monster will give you a cookie for keeping up with current events.

KissMyButtocks 6

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Thursday 8 November 2012 8:52

Well which character?

annie_nk 22

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Thursday 8 November 2012 9:19

Hopefully not Oscar.

ViQValentine 3

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Thursday 8 November 2012 12:53

Snuffaluffagus! :D (sorry folks, that might not be spelled right)

ohSNAPyall 26

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Thursday 8 November 2012 12:56

If it's Bert, she's just giving you a hint about your eyebrows.

Mrjangleybits 1

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Thursday 8 November 2012 8:53

Hey, I find elmo and his buddies are pretty good looking guys.

U_GotitDude 18

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Thursday 8 November 2012 21:05

La la la la, la la la la, Elmo's worlddd

Jmotore 3

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Thursday 8 November 2012 9:01

She's a kid at heart

LlamaUprising 10

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Thursday 8 November 2012 9:01

I've seen a lot of people who look like characters from the muppets, so it's definitely possible.

Bikkleman 2

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Thursday 8 November 2012 9:03

Boo hoo. Get over it! How did she say it? It could have been cute, playful, etc. it's hardly a FYL moment

Enslaved 36

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Thursday 8 November 2012 9:10

Grover as the clumsy waiter was always my favorite!(:

Draxanoth 15

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Thursday 8 November 2012 9:11

If it's Big Bird, run!! Mitt Romney is after you!

superHydrate 4

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Thursday 8 November 2012 9:19

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

annie_nk 22

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Thursday 8 November 2012 9:24

I don't seem to recall them being Muppets. Or on Sesame Street.

tne201992 12

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Thursday 8 November 2012 10:21

That's Disney.

neeni88 23

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Thursday 8 November 2012 11:08

I think 9 means that the OP's girlfriend is Beauty and he is the Beast.

xXxIracebethxXx 14

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Thursday 8 November 2012 12:45

22 - Still irrelevant to Sesame Street. Besides, the girlfriend didn't day he was ugly/a beast.

jjtothemax17 6

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Thursday 8 November 2012 9:24

Some of them are cute! It might be a compliment.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 134

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 476

You deserved it 121

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 451

You deserved it 136

Boing!

Brain fog

Frenemies 2

Sounds reasonable…

So I got that goin' for me, which is nice...

The wrong sort of lock in

Good morning

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