Today, I was warning a girl in my art class to be careful with...

By insightful - 20/3/2012 04:33 - Australia

Today, I was warning a girl in my art class to be careful with a Stanley knife, as she had managed to cut her finger quite badly. Just as I said it, I sliced my finger open with a Stanley knife. FML

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Health

Out of it

You snooze, you lose

A beautiful truck decoration

By MADfml - 26/2/2009 03:12 - United States

Today, I went to my crushes Mardi Gras party. He was handing out beads to all the girls at the party that flashed him. When he came around to me he stopped and said "I will give you these beads NOT to flash me." FML

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By jitiizer - 19/9/2012 17:02 - Netherlands - Leeuwarden

Today, a stranger called me, saying I look hot in the bra I was wearing. When I hung up, thinking it was a joke, I opened the back door, and saw a man running away from my backyard. FML

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By lactose intolerant - 28/1/2019 15:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my little sister thought I was making up I’m lactose intolerant, so she swapped my dairy-free milk with regular milk. I’m writing this from the toilet and I’ve been here for at least 20 minutes, with cramps and diarrhoea. She’s also complaining about the foul smell coming from the toilet. FML

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By storksleuth - 4/10/2011 08:57 - United States

Today, I saw a girl wearing a Nirvana shirt. Since Nirvana has been my favorite band for a long time, I tried striking up a conversation with her. Turns out she doesn't even listen to them, and only bought the shirt because she "liked the smiley face." FML

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By goddamn chicken subs - 24/3/2016 16:51 - United States

Today, my brother and I got food poisoning because of the shady chicken subs we ate last night. Our mom thinks we're faking it and sent us to school anyway. I'm coming to you live from a school toilet while missing a test. FML

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By D-Man - 8/2/2012 13:08 - United States

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend got engaged to a co-worker. I got her the job. FML

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By bzygirl - 26/9/2009 21:23 - United States

Today, was my first day at my new job in a shop. 10 minutes after my first customer leaves I realize she managed to steal $200 worth of merchandise while she had me getting stuff for her from the back room. FML

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By InDeepBlue - 10/9/2019 06:00

Today, I took the bus home from work for the first time in my life. It was pretty crowded, so I immediately sat in an empty seat. Then, I felt something wet. It was puke. A lot of it, in fact. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2013 21:44 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, my neighbours' whiny emo of a daughter got dumped by her boyfriend. In her infinite wisdom, she's chosen to cope by playing on her recorder the worst rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" that I've ever heard. It's been going on all day. Now I know why he dumped this idiot. FML

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By Emily S - 9/10/2011 05:17 - Australia

Today, I let a guy I like look at my phone. A second later I remembered I had a secret copy of his Facebook profile picture on there to show a friend what he looked like. I was forced to tackle him to get my phone back. FML

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By kylie b - 25/5/2011 06:41

Today, my mom yelled at me for taking too long at a job interview, and that it was a waste of her time to drive me to it; I just quit my job, moved away from my boyfriend and the coast to help take care of her in Idaho. FML

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By T-Bear - 7/10/2015 15:02 - United States - College Station

Today, I'm staying at my grandparents' house. I went upstairs to grab my sketchbook to show off to my grandma. My grandpa is half-deaf, which I guess explains how he didn't hear me. I heard him though, jerking off and muttering the most disgusting sexual things about "Tara." I'm Tara. FML

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By Samprib - 1/6/2013 05:09 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy condoms. My card was declined, and I had to stand and watch in morbid fascination as the man behind me kindly paid for my purchase. His reason was "God forbid a maxed out Visa should get in the way of fucking." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 14:45 - Brunei Darussalam

Today, my crush walked me home. As my mom opens the door, she tells me in Russian how ugly he is, and that I have extremely bad taste. Out of all the languages in the world, he happens to be fluent in Russian. FML

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By Satan - 15/3/2010 23:22 - United States

Today, I lost my phone. I tried to call it using my husband's phone, but couldn't figure out which of the three Kates in the contact list was me. Turns out, two are co-workers and one is his aunt. I was listed under Satan. FML

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By Sexylarry - 3/9/2010 19:42 - France

Today, I was feeling in the mood, so I walked into the kitchen with only my boxers on and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to get in bed. She said, "Okay, but make sure to finish before Gossip Girl starts." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2012 01:31 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my school's crowded auditorium. When our single, abstinence-only ballsack of a Sex Ed teacher was announced to be stepping down due to being pregnant, I burst into uncontrollable laughter. My reward was aching sides and a week of detention. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2013 16:08 - United States - Arlington

Today, I realized that the smell of chlorine has started to turn me on, probably because my girlfriend has an indoor pool in her house. Guess who works as a swim instructor. FML

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By crazycora - 13/12/2010 19:32 - Belgium

Today, I woke up to my kids shaking me, saying, "Get up, Santa was here!" I got up to find my TV, computer and MacBook Air all gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2010 09:17 - New Zealand

Today, I fell over on the bus. X-Rays revealed not only that I have been growing extra bones in my foot, but that when I fell, I crushed all of them. Doctors don't know how to fix bones that aren't supposed to be there, so they're just going to cut them out. Two days before Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2012 02:55 - United States - Covington

Today, the power went out in my area. My wife and I were bored so I lit some candles, poured some wine, and left little to her imagination about what my intent was. We cuddled a while and as I leaned in for a kiss the power came back on. She was more excited that the WiFi was back than anything. FML

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By it's awkward - 11/8/2015 16:22 - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, at Subway, the pretty girl serving made me so nervous that I forgot what cucumbers were called. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2009 22:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told my roommate about a trick he had used by filling nail holes with toothpaste when he moved out. When I came home with putty to fill the holes, there were blue spots all over the walls. She had filled them with blue gel toothpaste. Now I get to repaint, too. FML

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By d4rkxf0x - 22/7/2014 15:54 - United States - Lindale

Today, I found the iPod touch that my mother claimed was stolen at the mall a few years ago, lying on her bed, still logged in to her Facebook. Thanks, mom. FML

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By anon - 20/6/2014 05:06 - United States - Kennett

Today, I woke up and put my contacts in. It appears that I got drunk enough last night that instead of soaking my contacts in contact solution, I used mouthwash. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, I was feeling frisky for the first time in months, so I started feeling up my husband. He kept insisting he had a headache and that he wasn't feeling it tonight. When I noticed his sarcasm, he said "Yeah, doesn't feel so great, does it?" and turned the TV volume up. FML

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By Jeff - 23/5/2019 22:21

Fight Club for Dummies

Today, my boyfriend and I were play fighting. He said, "I should stop trying to hurt you," before punching me in the face. I lost a tooth. He found it hilarious. FML

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By doglover - 3/11/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, a Milkbone commercial came on TV. At the end of it, they whistle and throw a Milkbone across the screen, prompting my 100lb German Shepherd to leap off the couch and run head on into my new plasma screen TV. FML

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By QuicksilverMaximoff - 30/1/2011 14:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I was rudely stopped in the park by a woman screaming at me for being a slut for having a baby so young. She got so worked up that she started swearing. Not only was I just babysitting for a friend, I am unable to get the toddler to stop swearing. FML

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By MamaMia - 25/11/2018 15:30

Today, I realized it isn’t my 5-month-old son who has the issue sleeping without me, it is I who cannot sleep without him. This is his first night in his crib and I can’t fall asleep. FML

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By Username - 5/6/2019 20:00

Today, at the beach, I swam pretty far out into the ocean. I ended up getting pummelled by the waves and got a painful cramp in my leg. The whole beach watched me flail and scream, while my friends rolled their eyes as they dragged me out of the water. FML

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By Mark - 27/2/2015 18:24 - Malta - Naxxar

Today, I was feeling terrible so I called in sick to work. My boss refused to believe me and told me he'd fire me if I didn't come in. I dragged myself to work, only to spend most of the day glued to the toilet. Now he says I won't be paid for the day because I barely did any work. FML

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By inyobeddd - 2/5/2013 08:27 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my crazy neighbor came up to me in the street and slapped me across the face, accusing me of leering through her restroom window while she showered. I'm gay. FML

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By jayden5 - 15/5/2009 18:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting next to this really cute guy in choir class. Trying to make conversation, I asked him what his favorite song was. He replied "Leave Me Alone". I asked him who it was by and he said, "It's not a song, I just want you to leave me alone". FML

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By amayasoma - 12/8/2013 18:54 - United States - Houma

Today, I went to my car to get a few things, when I discovered it had been broken into. Nothing of value was taken. My window was busted in just for a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and my car ash tray. FML

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By Anony-moose - 11/10/2011 09:43 - United States

Today, I had to explain to a patient that no, her nipples were not slowly getting smaller. FML

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By Mike - 16/10/2012 08:07 - United States

Today, I got a call from my son's school saying to pick him up because he'd shat his pants. He's in high school. FML

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By O - 24/2/2015 10:19 - Sweden

Today, my boss called me, furious about how I "never answer my phone", especially when important clients are trying to reach me, and how unprofessional I am. I make very sure to never miss any calls, my boss just keeps giving out the wrong number to people. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2011 07:56 - Australia

Today, I was set up on a blind date. When I arrived, the person waiting for me was a woman. It appears that my friends have always thought I was a lesbian, and that they 'played along' when I talked about guys. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2018 13:30

Today, my manager told my shift that if we didn't have the quota filled for cinnamon rolls by tonight, we were all out of a job. One of the machines we use to wrap cinnamon rolls just started acting up. We also aren't allowed to take over time. FML

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Top comments

By audiophileMom | 11

#4190372 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 11:37

Well, warning her after the fact was redundant to begin with. You still don't deserve it - nobody does. Ouch!!

By iamyummylicious | 14

#4190744 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 13:35

^This is what we call a brandnomer (a genericized trademark)This happens when a brand name product becomes a colloquialism and is synonymous with a type of product.

Some common brandnomers are Kleenex (facial tissue), Popsicle (ice pops), Band-aid (adhesive bandage), Jell-o (gelatin desserts), Bubble Wrap (inflated cushioning), Clorox (Bleach), Photoshop (photo manipulation), Rollerblade (inline skates) U-Haul (box truck), Crock-Pot (slow cooker), AstroTurf (artificial turf), etc.

*rainbow appears* - The more you know...

COMMENTS

By audiophileMom | 11

#4190372 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 11:37

Well, warning her after the fact was redundant to begin with. You still don't deserve it - nobody does. Ouch!!

cheaptrix | 6

#4190435 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 11:48

Well the girl had already cut herself, so it was a reminder to be extra safe

48Connor | 10

#4190570 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 12:27

This sounds like an ad for Stanley.... Was the company really important?

peachesncreem | 21

#4190661 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 13:03

It's just what we call them in Australia, even if they're of another brand.

iamyummylicious | 14

#4190744 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 13:35

bmwguy01 | 8

#4190756 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 13:36

I have Stanley blades in my Kobalt knife! ;O

XanderJayNix | 17

#4191101 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 15:56

22 - you totally forgot all about the phrase "Kodak Moment" to describe something that's picture perfect!

False_Stupidity | 41

#4192449 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 22:45

#22 Also the phrase 'to Hoover the floor' meaning to vacuum it regardless of whether your using a Hoover or not.

iamyummylicious | 14

#4192545 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 23:05

SandI was obviously listing just a few examples. My dissertation was long enoug as is. There are thousands of these, but I do not possess the time to type all of them... Nor do I care, really.

iamyummylicious | 14

#4192767 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 0:03

Disregard the "sand" in the first part of my comment, lol.

BlvckScvle | 2

#4194116 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 5:19

Stanley? I prefer Martha Stewart, cause there plagiarized and when it comes down to it there blunt.

By thefmlman2011 | 32

#4190373 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 11:37

kinda a fml and YDI. YDI, because you weren't watching what your doing (im presuming), but other then that, fml

ninjaboy18 | 6

#4190732 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 13:29

Well it's an art class.. Now you have extra red paint! :)

Brooksyp88 | 0

#4190768 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 13:41

That was lame ^

Nightwing98 | 22

#4191920 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 20:11

^ I agree

InstantRanbowMix | 0

#4193766 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 3:26

I'm not really into art so much, can someone explain what a Stanley knife is ? :)

dirtroadboy | 7

#4194370 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 7:56

Stanley knives to an Aussie is what an Xacto knife is to an American... Hoping this helps some in understanding.

InstantRanbowMix | 0

#4216394 - Monday 26 March 2012 5:09

Ah, I know what your talking about now. Ty

By RahmEsHestos | 5

#4190407 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 11:43

You shouldn't be using the Stanley knife while talking to someone... YDI

TheDrudgeChild | 4

#4190557 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 12:21

Stanley knives are really easy to get injured with, especially if you're not paying attention (or getting distracted with the art project). FYL OP, watch out for those things instead of telling others to.