Health: Today, I was warning a girl in my art class to be careful with...

By insightful - Australia

Today, I was warning a girl in my art class to be careful with a Stanley knife, as she had managed to cut her finger quite badly. Just as I said it, I sliced my finger open with a Stanley knife. FML

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Health

Our house, in the middle of our street

So no one told you life was gonna be this way

Dream baby dream

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started my community service at the dog pound. I like animals so I thought it would be a good place to do it. As I arrived they were throwing dogs that had been euthanized into a dump truck to be taken to a landfill. That was my job for the day. FML

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By [email protected]

Today, though it’s been a month since I removed the plaster from my wrist, it still stinks of feet. FML

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By Clader - France

Today, it's 2:23 in the morning, and my drunken girlfriend has just rung me up from a party where she's the only girl there. She seems to be having a great time. FML

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By bleredoshia - New Zealand

Smart kid

Today, after church, my 5-year-old son asked me about God, so I answered his questions in full. We talked about God for over 2 hours. At the end of it all, he pondered for a moment, before saying to me, "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You're dumb." FML

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By Cookie_monster - Canada - Toronto

Today, getting ready to go out, I turned on my straightener. After 5 minutes, I start straightening one big strand when I realize I'm smelting plastic into my hair. Turns out I'd left it on a plastic box. Of course, plastic never comes out, so I had to cut it out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chippewa Falls

Today, I was assigned to a group of four to brainstorm ideas for a project. One by one they listed their ideas, but when it was my turn they skipped me. They suddenly started a casual conversation with each other, oblivious of my existence, while I sat quietly between them for an hour. FML

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By Crazy09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that she had an ultrasound tomorrow morning. With a confused look on my face, she said to me "don't worry, it's not yours." FML

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By makeitstop - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter wouldn't stop yapping on about not being able to register on the new Harry Potter website. The amount of whiny jibber-jabber emanating from her cake-hole made me want to boot her from our family tree, and I had to resort to booze to wash the pain away. I'm a terrible parent. FML

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By FuglyBetty - Norway - Arendal

Today, while doing the grocery shopping with my boyfriend we came across another woman also out shopping, who looked shockingly like me despite her being another race, hair color and the like. The second he saw her, he blurted out, ''Oh, it's a pretty version of you!'' FML

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By ihaveahome - Czech Republic

Today, at 6am I was waiting for the tram to go home from my late night job. A homeless man came up to me and offered to buy me a beer because "guys like us have to stick together." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Camden

Today, my sister and I were planning a trip to get away from things and visit some faraway friends. My dad then decided to insert himself into our plans. He got mad when we said no, and couldn't understand why we wanted to go by ourselves. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up behind my dad and yell "BOO!" to scare him. He didn't even flinch. All he did was calmly look over his shoulder and sigh, "Oh for fuck's sake. And you wonder why I don't love you." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2021 20:02 - Australia

Admit you're shit

Today, I found out that one of my coworkers, who has been with the company for less than a week, is getting a $7k pay rise. I've been with the company for 8 months and still on minimum wage. FML

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By poophead - Philippines

Today, I went to a fancy beauty parlor to prepare for my sister's birthday party. The minute I stepped out of the salon, with my hair beautifully trimmed and curled, a bird decided to use it as a toilet. FML

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By Fought The Law - United States

Today, my elderly neighbor called the police because my cat was in her yard. I now have a citation and a court date. Apparently, there is a leash law for cats in my town, and it is taken very seriously. FML

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By Rick - United States

Today, I got into an argument with a militantly feminist co-worker of mine. She threw several vulgar insults at me and debased the entire male gender before storming off. I'd only asked if she needed help while she was doing a crossword. FML

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By Reggie

Today, it was the first sunny spring day that I had off from work. I spent the morning making a picnic lunch and took my girlfriend to a beautiful spot overlooking the lake. I did not count on a bird flying by with perfect poop aim as soon as we spread out the food. FML

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By ScandinaviaBacon

Creepy Uncle Dave

Today, I returned from my year-long vacation to Brazil, having lost a lot of weight and feeling better about my self-confidence. When I met my uncle at the airport, I greeted him with a friendly hug. I was greeted by his erection. FML

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By burned - United States

Today, my boyfriend was cooking me dinner. He walked away and I decided to help by giving the pan of veggies a sautee flip. My boyfriend failed to mention that he had just pulled that pan out of a 500 degree oven. FML

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By BowTiesAr3Cool - United States - Irving

Today, the kid who who lives next door and shares a bedroom wall with me got a drum set for Christmas. FML

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By me - United States

Today, I arrived at the beach for a week's vacation. I walk on the beach only to find they are "rebuilding" it. They have heavy machinery all over the place, they work 24/7, and this only happens every 15 years. Glad I picked this week. FML

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By sucksforme. - Canada

Today, I was supposed to catch a 4:40 flight to New York. My 5 year old son handed me my carry on bag as I left the house. Turns out he had put his older brother's BB gun into my bag to "keep me safe." I missed my flight after I was detained and strip-searched. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jose

Today, I started my new job as a cashier for a drugstore. As I scanned some children's medicine for a family, I gave the girl a tissue because her nose was running. Later, my boss sat me down and told me there had been a complaint about a "female pedo-employee". I'm the only woman working there. FML

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By xoxo96 - United States

Today, I went to a Bat Mitzvah. We played a game where all of the girls grabbed one of their shoes and placed it in the middle. Then, all of the guys had to pick a shoe. Whatever guy picked the shoe, the girl had to dance with. No one picked my shoe. Everyone else was dancing except for me. FML

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By coffeewench

Today, while I was reading in a park, a drunk bum started talking to me. After a few minutes of awkward conversation, he said, "You're really pretty, and you have nice eyes, but you have chubby cheeks. What's up with that? Did you eat a lot of peanuts when you were a kid or something?" FML

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By SHIIIIITTTT - United States - Houston

Today, my new boss, the CEO's son, finally showed up for work, three days late and right after lunch break. His first order of business was to call a meeting and scream at everyone for not having a diet latte waiting for him on his desk. God help us all. FML

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By wtf yourself, cunt - Australia - Sydney

Today, at school, a guy walked up to me and said I look a little too young to be at high school. I told him that I'm sixteen years old. He stared at my chest for several long seconds, muttered "What the fuck?" and walked off. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Mississauga

Today, trying to be funny in front of some friends, I held my cat above my head Lion King style. The height must have made him nervous, because he shat on my head. FML

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By qyx3lmnop24 - United States - Napa

Classic move

Today, while hanging out with this guy I'm interested in, we turned and made eye contact. We were face to face and I thought he was finally going to kiss me. He decided to lick my face from chin to forehead instead. FML

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By Dimples - United States - Sanford

Today, I was at a café with my friends when an elderly man noticed my dimples. He came up to me, stroked them while whispering, "One in a million" then walked out. Now my friends do this to me constantly, even while driving home. I almost hit a tree. FML

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By birthdayfail

Today, it's my birthday. At my workplace, we always get a cake for whoever's birthday it is. They somehow forgot about me. I've been working there for a year, and my grandparents and my dad own the restaurant I work at. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out why my girlfriend has lost interest in our relationship. She's found out she likes drinking. A lot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my birthday. The only person that remembered was my creepy stalker. FML

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By Anon - United States - Pasco

Today, my boyfriend and I were reminiscing and sharing funny stories of when we were little. It was then that he told me he used to be flexible enough to suck his own weiner. FML

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By redjesus69 - United States

Today, after almost nine months of doing anything and everything to show my love for my girlfriend and make her happy, she told me she would give "anything" to relive the one week of her and her ex's relationship where she was the happiest in her life. FML

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By koletatlow19 - Canada

Today, my boss fired me because "I didn't get the right kind of coffee beans." FML

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By szinna - United States

Today, in an effort to seduce my husband, I laid in bed caressing myself. He walked in, looked at me, and said, "Is the ground beef in the freezer still good?" When I answered yes, he turned and walked out of the room. FML

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By snoozlagist - United States

Today, while on the bus, I began to fall asleep. Suddenly, a man next to me started laughing very loudly, scaring me and jolting me out from my nap. I was so scared, I reflexively punched the girl in front of me in the face. I was pinned down by three other men while the cops were called. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went our school's football game against their rival team. Before the games started, I got my school's logo painted on my face. After nearly 5 hours of watching the game, I went home to wash the paint off my face, only to find the logo had been sunburned onto my face. FML

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By leftoutdrunk - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I volunteered to be my brother's designated driver. I told him throughout the night that I wasn't drinking, but he ended up leaving me at the bar and going to his friend's house in a cab for more drinks, taking my keys along with him. FML

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Top comments

By audiophileMom | 11

#4190372 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 11:37

Well, warning her after the fact was redundant to begin with. You still don't deserve it - nobody does. Ouch!!

By iamyummylicious | 14

#4190744 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 13:35

^This is what we call a brandnomer (a genericized trademark)This happens when a brand name product becomes a colloquialism and is synonymous with a type of product.

Some common brandnomers are Kleenex (facial tissue), Popsicle (ice pops), Band-aid (adhesive bandage), Jell-o (gelatin desserts), Bubble Wrap (inflated cushioning), Clorox (Bleach), Photoshop (photo manipulation), Rollerblade (inline skates) U-Haul (box truck), Crock-Pot (slow cooker), AstroTurf (artificial turf), etc.

*rainbow appears* - The more you know...

COMMENTS

By audiophileMom | 11

#4190372 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 11:37

Well, warning her after the fact was redundant to begin with. You still don't deserve it - nobody does. Ouch!!

cheaptrix | 6

#4190435 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 11:48

Well the girl had already cut herself, so it was a reminder to be extra safe

48Connor | 10

#4190570 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 12:27

This sounds like an ad for Stanley.... Was the company really important?

peachesncreem | 21

#4190661 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 13:03

It's just what we call them in Australia, even if they're of another brand.

iamyummylicious | 14

#4190744 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 13:35

bmwguy01 | 8

#4190756 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 13:36

I have Stanley blades in my Kobalt knife! ;O

XanderJayNix | 17

#4191101 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 15:56

22 - you totally forgot all about the phrase "Kodak Moment" to describe something that's picture perfect!

False_Stupidity | 41

#4192449 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 22:45

#22 Also the phrase 'to Hoover the floor' meaning to vacuum it regardless of whether your using a Hoover or not.

iamyummylicious | 14

#4192545 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 23:05

SandI was obviously listing just a few examples. My dissertation was long enoug as is. There are thousands of these, but I do not possess the time to type all of them... Nor do I care, really.

iamyummylicious | 14

#4192767 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 0:03

Disregard the "sand" in the first part of my comment, lol.

BlvckScvle | 2

#4194116 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 5:19

Stanley? I prefer Martha Stewart, cause there plagiarized and when it comes down to it there blunt.

By thefmlman2011 | 35

#4190373 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 11:37

kinda a fml and YDI. YDI, because you weren't watching what your doing (im presuming), but other then that, fml

ninjaboy18 | 6

#4190732 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 13:29

Well it's an art class.. Now you have extra red paint! :)

Brooksyp88 | 0

#4190768 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 13:41

That was lame ^

Nightwing98 | 22

#4191920 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 20:11

^ I agree

InstantRanbowMix | 0

#4193766 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 3:26

I'm not really into art so much, can someone explain what a Stanley knife is ? :)

dirtroadboy | 7

#4194370 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 7:56

Stanley knives to an Aussie is what an Xacto knife is to an American... Hoping this helps some in understanding.

InstantRanbowMix | 0

#4216394 - Monday 26 March 2012 5:09

Ah, I know what your talking about now. Ty

By RahmEsHestos | 5

#4190407 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 11:43

You shouldn't be using the Stanley knife while talking to someone... YDI

TheDrudgeChild | 4

#4190557 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 12:21

Stanley knives are really easy to get injured with, especially if you're not paying attention (or getting distracted with the art project). FYL OP, watch out for those things instead of telling others to.