Today, my whack job of a father told my 8-year-old son that his cat deserves a bullet to the head for being so damn stupid. FML
whydadwhy tells us more.
Hey, OP here. Anyways, for those who are saying I should take it as a joke--he was fully serious when he said it. He's not the best human being. He's done this before, and I don't know why he specifically attacks my son's kitten. He's threatened to let the cat outside so it can get hit by a car, has said he hopes it runs away and never comes back, and I even caught him trying to kick and/or chuck it out of a room. He repeated what he said to my husband, but claimed that my son couldn't take a joke and refused to apologize. My son was speechless when he said it and went to his room because he didn't want to be seen crying. He's only 8; he doesn't need to hear that his grandfather wants to kill his cat. My husband did the responsible thing and told my father that he thinks he shouldn't be involved with my son that much anymore.
Today, I went to go get a haircut and I asked how much it was for a haircut, shampoo, and a blow job. I meant to say blow dry. FML
Today, in a rush to get ready, I put on some "sexy" panties that I bought years ago. By the second hour of work, they were so tight and uncomfortable, I had to cut slits up the sides to avoid cutting off the circulation to my legs. FML
Today, I had to explain to my friend that a blue raspberry is not a blackberry, and that blue raspberry is an artificial flavor, not a fruit. This explanation took much longer than it should have. FML
Today, I got a chance to have dinner and a movie with a girl I've liked for a while. I ran late, so in a hurry to make the movie, and trying to be smooth for her, I told the waiter I'd "take care of him" if he made it fast. He did. When he brought the check, I realized I had forgotten my wallet. FML
Today, I desperately needed to let off some steam at work, so I went outside and screamed obscenities at the top of my lungs, before heading back inside. The police then showed up to investigate complaints of a "raving lunatic" in the area. FML
Today, I learned not to take sex tips from virgins seriously. "Have sex in the shower", they said. "It'll be fun", they said. Well they didn't take slippage into account. One busted nose and concussion later, I'm not seeing the "fun" part at all. FML
Today, my father told me he hasn't brushed his teeth for 30 years: he just wipes them with paper towels. I don't know whether to be horribly disgusted, or horribly jealous that he has never gotten a cavity. FML
Today, I was cooking bacon while my dog watched me, drooling. I thought this was funny and I teased her a bit. I then slipped in the drool as I was carrying the bacon and she got to enjoy it. FML
Today, a girl in my class threw a temper tantrum. Why? Because she wanted my seat. We're in high school. FML
Today, I burped in front of my crush. Well, not really in front of him. I turned around mid-burp and noticed him, not knowing anyone was there. The surprise made me scream a little, which only amplified the burp. So I made this mighty belch-turned-scream noise, while maintaining eye contact with him. FML
Today, I had to explain to my sister why it's unhygienic, socially unacceptable and downright inappropriate to apply Thrush ointment in the lounge room. I realised I wasn't getting through to her when she called me ''Uptight,'' ''Victorian" and ''Prudish'' to name a few. FML
Today, I started a new job. I noticed all the beautiful women. Then I tripped on a cord running across the floor. They noticed me too. FML
Today, my closest encounter to having sex in the last four months was getting chlamydia from Russell Brand. In a dream. FML
Today, I'd like to thank the genius who scheduled my class in a building which is actively being torn down. FML
Today, my boyfriend still won't get a job, because he's convinced he's going to make millions inventing and selling carbonated ketchup. FML
Today, I took my boyfriend's advice and finally stood up to my very passive-agressive, rude mother. What started in a conversation about her snide comment about my outfit ended in me needing to find somewhere else to live. FML
jessroses tells us more.
OP here So didn't expect this to make the front page but to clear up a few things I'm 19, my boyfriend also lives with his parents and I live away from home in a town about 2 hours away, but my usual hangout bar is in my hometown so on the weekends and holidays I come home and make use of the bed. So mostly I've moved out. We had gotten into a very loud row which turned into mum (for the umpteenth time) bringing up how I'm never home and what happened to the sweet little girl that told her everything. I've explained time and time again that I didn't have friends then and Now I'm balancing a social life in 2 places, and spending time with family, which I admit I haven't been spending as much time with her, because once I moved out I could see her from a distance and see how manipulative she is. I have also tried to see mum less and less because I thought that's just where my life was headed. Being the youngest child means it's difficult for mum to let go. However, I have been her punching bag for the past few years, always making passing comments about my weight (I am obese, as is she) and the clothes I wear. I came out as bisexual to her and she doesn't believe me because I have a boyfriend and told me to keep it from the rest of the family. So yeah, I'm trying to get out of the situation, but my boyfriends family are not doing well financially so I would rather not move in, as well as its a relatively new relationship (just under a year)
Today, I'm at home sick and someone is moving into the apartment above ours. Judging by the sounds and level of noise, they seem to be opening some sort of woodworking shop. FML
Today, I had to lie to my therapist about my sex life to make myself feel better. FML
Today, I was hanging out with a friend out of state. He had some friends with him and we were all having a great time, until they found out I live in Utah. They instantly assumed I was Mormon and started to act weird around me. This is a frequent occurrence. FML
Today, my neighbors in the apartment above me yet again had a loud fight, well past midnight while I was trying to sleep. I stood on my bed and pounded on the ceiling to shut them up. And now I'll have to explain the two fist-shaped holes in the ceiling to my landlord. FML
Today, I was out on a date with a guy. His hot co-worker came to have a beer with us, and I knew my best friend would think he was gorgeous. I wanted to take a picture of him without knowing, so I tried to hold up my phone and pretend to be texting. The flash went off. FML
Today, I was standing around looking out the window at work when it became really dark and windy and started to pour. I watched a shopping cart fly across the parking lot thinking how funny it'd be if it hit someone's car. It hit mine. I need a new headlight. FML
Today, I watched "Rain Man" with my family. The whole time they kept exclaiming, "Omigod! That's just like Kate!" FML
Today, I proudly told my family I lost 15 pounds. My dad looked me up and down and said, "Well, you've got a looooong way to go." FML
Today, I woke up next to a slumbering girl I had just met the night before. She had all the covers on top of her and I was cold. Not only was I cold, but the sheets were really cold. So I got up and realized she'd peed a drunken night's worth of beer all over my sheets. FML
Today, I fractured two ribs from coughing. My doctor told me to stop coughing, or I would fracture them more. I have bronchitis. FML
Today, I bid on an item on eBay, only to find the exact item I wanted later while out in the city. I bought it, assuming I would be outbid, as always. Nope. FML
Blink_me26 tells us more.
Blink_me26 21
I did not expect this to get posted at all haha well anyway it was actually a pink unicorn onesie (yes I'm a child inside), I'm definitely going to buy it because it's not the seller's fault and my best friend is going to buy it off me for a onesie party she's going to so I'll just change the address to her house, no harm done. I'm very surprised I won the auction because I am always outbid at the last minute, the demand for pink unicorns probably isn't very high. Thanks for your comments, even the one that said I was an asshole lol :)
Today, I found out the hard way that it is possible to sunburn the soles of your feet. FML
Today, I decided to get a Blizzard from Dairy Queen. As bent down to put my pen away, my Blizzard somehow defied the laws of gravity and fell on me. FML
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