Health: Today, my idiot neighbor decided the best way to dispose of the... - FML

By Anonymous - 26/02/2016 22:31 - United States - Malden

Today, my idiot neighbor decided the best way to dispose of the poison ivy in his yard was to pile it all up and burn it. I'm severely allergic. It was so bad that one of my eyes is still swollen half shut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 109

You deserved it 1 347

Taking stock

The smell detective is on the case

The more the merrier

By Anonymous - 25/10/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, while at the store, my fly became undone. It doesn't seem that bad unless an old lady comes to "zip it up for you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 259

You deserved it 4 111

By YahItsMe94 - 25/06/2009 07:20 - United States

Today, was my first day back at work since my wife got breast cancer. I come in and see some people with pink slips and frowns. When I get to my desk I find a pink slip, I go up to my boss and start to curse him out for firing me. Only to find out my pink slip was a fundraiser for my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 747

You deserved it 61 414

By hot4donny - 12/11/2010 02:40 - United States

Today, my family and I were watching Mulan, and I mentioned that I've always had a crush on Shang. After going into detail about how I would "marry his sexy voice" I decided to look up this mystery dream man. To my surprise he was played by Donny Osmond. I will never live this down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 992

You deserved it 26 894

By Anonymous - 06/01/2014 19:13 - United States - Lexington

Today, I found out that someone had peed into the bottle of Febreze that we keep in the dorm bathroom. I found this out when I sprayed it onto my coat to get rid of a weird smell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 470

You deserved it 5 038

By unholy shit - 23/01/2012 22:33 - United States

Today, my parents boarded the fad wagon and became Juggalos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 645

You deserved it 3 128

By ishouldhidethekeys - 04/11/2009 08:44 - United Kingdom

Today, my son thought he'd take my new car for a drive without permission. He accelerated straight into a tree, reversed into a lamppost and then accelerated again into the neighbours car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 867

You deserved it 4 720

That Monday feeling

By Ed. - 20/07/2020 05:01

Today, I have to go into work for the first time since the Covid-19 lockdown. I've been working from home since March. Today was also the first time since going on lockdown that I cut myself shaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 167

You deserved it 205

By misterhippo - 22/04/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, I texted the hottest girl in the school saying, "I really like you, we should date". She responded with a text saying, "Sorry, I'm not into you." I then got a text saying, "Sorry, my brother stole my phone, and answered, but still it's no". I got rejected twice. Once by a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 574

You deserved it 12 186

By RonnieG - 22/07/2013 22:30 - United States - Orlando

Today, I confessed to losing my wife's engagement ring, and replacing it with a lookalike months ago. My wife also confessed that her actual engagement ring was locked in the safe, and the one I lost had been a fake. I've been paying the replacement off on my credit card for 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 039

You deserved it 14 056

By kiki - 05/08/2010 18:24 - United States

Today, I realized that in French, my name means "penis." This wouldn't be so bad if my dad wasn't fluent in French. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 266

You deserved it 3 869

By shuahwan - 09/08/2015 05:46 - New Zealand

Today, to settle a bet with a friend, I took an online IQ test twice. The first time, I chose answers at random without reading the questions. The second time, I took it for real. I got a higher score from the random selections than from my serious attempt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 986

You deserved it 6 192

By Anonymous - 22/09/2017 23:15 - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I decided to eat healthier. I started with making 2 eggs and burning down whole kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 257

You deserved it 790

By HappyGirl - 28/10/2008 15:57 - France

Spicy

Today, my little brother, who is 11, explained to me how babies are made. I’m 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 773

You deserved it 18 856

By DyingOfShame - 24/08/2010 23:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a text from my boyfriend whilst on the train home from spending the weekend with him at his grandparents' house. It said, 'Gran says to tell you that the bin beside the toilet is actually for storing spare shampoos and toothbrushes, so could you not put your tampons in it next time?' FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 039

You deserved it 8 436

By angrymother - 27/07/2016 01:21

Spicy

Today, I caught my 20 year old daughter having sex with my best friend's husband. Apparently it's my fault for coming home early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 659

You deserved it 1 700

By bad son - 14/06/2012 17:42 - United States - Baldwin Park

Today, it's my mother's birthday. She received the ultimate gift from my brother, who told her he had just been accepted into medical school. I bought her scratch-offs. She won a dollar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 114

You deserved it 29 603

By Anonymous - 18/11/2010 02:32 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend to try and man up and act a bit tougher. He started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 043

You deserved it 19 983

By wow - 27/05/2013 16:17 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I found out that my husband of 12 years has been sleeping with my best friend of even longer for who knows how long. She actually tried to turn it around on me and implied that it was my fault for finding out about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 108

You deserved it 3 793

By Anonymous - 22/04/2013 18:33 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with some friends, and I had to take a dump. After I was done, I realized there was no more toilet paper, so I asked my friends to get me some. They threw in duct tape, sandpaper, and saran wrap, and told me to make a decision. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 840

You deserved it 8 657

By Schrewt - 24/01/2010 08:50 - France

Today, my friends and I went camping. In the middle of the night, they carried me deep into the forest and left me there. I stepped on a beehive as I walked back to the tent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 554

You deserved it 3 148

By Noname - 05/03/2009 00:29 - United States

Today, a creepy man on the subway said he liked my eyeballs. It was the best compliment I've received in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 372

You deserved it 4 029

By sarahcurtis213 - 13/11/2012 07:36 - United States

Today, I was at the library using a computer to order a package. A man sat down next to me mumbling to himself while staring at me. As I got up to go to the printer, he pointed at me and screamed, "I will burn you alive and enjoy it!" All of my info including my address was still on the computer screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 937

You deserved it 5 311

By Anonymous - 04/03/2010 17:15 - Estonia

Today, I stole a bite of my boyfriend's hamburger. He threw a fit, saying I took too big a bite and I had to replace it with a new, more expensive one. Afterwards, he said how lucky I was he didn't break up with me then and there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 478

You deserved it 10 404

By OTZ - 26/01/2010 11:30 - France

Today, I went on a date with the hottest guy I've ever met. He is also rich and successful, and would probably be perfect for me, if only he could stop bragging about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 961

You deserved it 14 051

By wtfrelationship - 21/10/2009 04:07 - Singapore

Today, I told my girlfriend over MSN that we had to talk. I log on to facebook and the first thing I see is that she changed our relationship from "In a Relationship" to "It's Complicated." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 569

You deserved it 11 426

By owch - 23/11/2015 21:21 - United States - Maumee

Today, I learned that if I take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will throw up all day. I also learned that if I don't take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will be in excruciating pain all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 262

You deserved it 1 536

By Arthurie - 24/07/2012 23:44 - United States - Plainview

Today, I was in the hospital. I had recently broken my arm, and had to have it re-broken. I've secretly been a lesbian for years. Guess who came out to her strict Christian parents while on anesthetics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 019

You deserved it 5 144

By Anonymous - 16/01/2015 22:15 - United States - Waynesboro

Today, I realized that while I've been the same minuscule height for the past five years, my feet won't stop growing. I'm 5 foot and a size 12. I look like a clown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 001

You deserved it 6 079

He's got the moves

By beccav23 - 25/10/2011 16:08 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to viciously rip off my thong. My ass crack is numb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 252

You deserved it 7 457

By wiifantcso - 01/07/2014 21:57 - United States - Sturtevant

Today, my sister was upset because she felt like no one liked her. Without thinking, I replied, "It's okay. If I acted like you, people would probably hate me, too." This sounded sympathetic in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 976

You deserved it 24 057

By ShittyWalls - 09/03/2013 13:35 - United States - Moorestown

Spicy

Today, the guy in the dorm room next to me was playing very loud metal music. I went next door and kindly asked him to turn it off. He did, so I went back to my room to go back to sleep. It turns out he was using the music to drown out his girlfriend's very loud moans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 686

You deserved it 16 920

By parker1993 - 03/02/2011 18:53 - United States

Today, while waiting for a job interview, a woman sat down next to me and asked if I was here for the job too. Thinking she was also an applicant, I tried to demoralise her, and said the job was going to be a complete joke. With that, she stood up and said, "Do you still want to go into my office?" She was the interviewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 854

You deserved it 76 450

By anonymous - 08/06/2011 16:47 - United States

Today, while in class, I desperately had to fart. Someone in the room had a coughing fit, so I took that as the chance to let it out. When I was about to release, the coughing stopped. I couldn't stop in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 607

You deserved it 43 402

By Anonymous - 08/11/2010 10:47 - United States

Today, my friend bought a smartphone and updated his facebook status with it. Two weeks ago he signed an apartment lease with another friend. Four months ago he bought a new handgun. Seven months ago he bought a new TV. He's owed me $300 for a year and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 339

You deserved it 8 679

By Anonymous - 27/09/2010 15:07 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I got a graphing calculator and my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 507

You deserved it 4 783

By Anonymous - 22/07/2015 11:52 - United States - Garland

Today, while on my Dad's computer, I looked through the browser history to find the name of a website I'd visited on it the other day. I soon found out he watches a staggering amount of downright frightening incest porn. I'm disturbed on so many levels. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 879

You deserved it 3 602

By lexiiiiiiweee - 19/02/2010 22:00 - United States

Today, I went bowling with my friends. As I was about to take my turn, my friend came up behind me and yelled in my ear, "Don't mess up!" Startled, I dropped the ball on my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 586

You deserved it 3 810

By Anonymous - 31/10/2009 20:18 - United States

Today, my good buddy of about two years set me up on a blind date. I got to the meeting point and realized that my date was a guy. My "buddy" honestly thought I was gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 933

You deserved it 4 453

By Anonymous - 01/09/2014 02:18 - United States - Bronx

Today, while eating cotton candy, a drunk person came up to me and said "HEY! COTTON CANDY!" And bit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 859

You deserved it 3 238

By jessye1182 - 11/05/2012 23:16 - United States - Yaphank

Today, I was babysitting, playing hide and go seek. I tried to jump behind the armchair, but it tipped, and I hit my head into the wind chimes, ripped the curtain rod from the wall, and smashed my knee into the wall. I lay on the ground in agonizing pain as the little girl shouted, "I know where you are!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 633

You deserved it 6 220

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

senor_octubre 24

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 8:25

Don't say half shut. Think of it like glass half full so in this case your eyes are half open. Boom. The powers of optimism.

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 8:14

I hope you're okay! And that it's not a deadly allergy..

Comments

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 8:13

this calls for revenge.....after you get your vision back that is!

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 19:23

Who defeats poison ivy?

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 19:26

Batman

Send a private message

Friday 1 July 2016 8:24

there are some people immune to poison ivy and posion oak.

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 8:14

I hope you're okay! And that it's not a deadly allergy..

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 9:42

Are you kidding? A severe allergy in this case could ultimately lead to their throat closing as a result of breathing in excessive fumes containing the oil causing dead by suffocation.

revolvearoundme 15

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 10:07

Are you insane? If OP's current symptoms continue their eye could swell completely shut, they could lose depth perception and walk into something dirty and get dead from a slow and painful flesh eating virus.

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 11:11

Who "gets dead" ?

BubbaYoshi117 10

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 13:57

Everybody, eventually

lolhailsatan 23

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 17:37

i think #2 meant that they hope that in addition to hoping OP is OK, they hope that the allergy isn't deadly...

MichaelDeSanta 20

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 8:18

Ask him to let you know next time that he does it, so you can take the necessary precautions!

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 9:22

I'd say tell him not to do it, what if other people, children, or animals are affected?

HelenErutherford 18

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 16:28

all animals are IMMUNE to poison ivy/oak/sumac. The reaction is caused by a chemical named orushiol (it's also used in the Japanese art form Kintsugi I learned that the hard way by having a reaction to it) tho if an animal gets it on their fur/scales/skin they can transfer it to humans via touch

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 21:19

There are no precautions other than avoid the area for a few days. Burning aerosolizes the oils that cause the reaction.

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 8:18

One of my arsehole roommates cooks/burns things that I'm allergic to and stinks up most of the house several times a month and doesn't give any fucks. I've had to leave in the middle of the night after my throat's swollen so terribly I can barely breathe through it. So I can empathize with that pain OP, good luck plotting your revenge.

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 8:23

Perhaps it's time to see a doctor.

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 8:24

I recomend viagra

tarlax 11

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 8:48

I "recomend" making better comments.

revolvearoundme 15

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 10:12

I recommend booze, bacon, and long term birth control plans that can't be ruined by booze or taking a day off from life.

senor_octubre 24

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 8:25

Don't say half shut. Think of it like glass half full so in this case your eyes are half open. Boom. The powers of optimism.

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 8:29

Your neighbor makes some pretty rash choices.

HelenErutherford 18

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 16:30

lol "rash" nice pun

CringePotato 14

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 8:51

This can actually kill you. If it gets into your lungs, then you could suffocate and die. I would go to the doctor immediately if I were you.

Chloë Kamali 12

Send a private message

Saturday 27 February 2016 8:52

Yikes, sounds painful OP. Did you tell your neighbor what happened? Hopefully something like this won't happen again!

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22

You deserved it 16

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 130

You deserved it 28

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 935

You deserved it 70