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That man hasn't worked a day in almost 5 years. He took an early retirement and sits home all day. I work my ass off. I have a 3 hour daily commute on top of my work day. After sitting on his ass all day, he needs to cook me my favorite meal, give me the best sex ever and worship me for taking care of him! Yet, I'm thinking of myself? Get real.

Loose connections

By CheeseLover - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Spring

Today, the pizza delivery guy and I know more about each other than me and my family ever have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 064

You deserved it 1 275

By daddyslittlegirl250 - 05/05/2009 02:41 - United States

Today, we watched a movie in French class. I went on a French exchange last year, so I wanted to sound all impressive and cultured for my crush who is in the same class. I said that it was my favorite movie and I couldn't wait to watch it with everyone. The movie turned out to be about incest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 064

You deserved it 84 125

I think we're alone now

By lopez - 16/12/2008 03:58 - France

Today, I needed to go to the toilet. Thinking that everyone had left work, I decided that, since I AM a Jedi, my penis ought to be my lightsaber. All of a sudden, I heard a familiar voice, saying, "At least someone's having fun…" It was my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 063

You deserved it 35 261

By E_G_G_S_O_U_P - 08/12/2016 13:12

Today, whilst riding my brand new dirt bike for the first time, the chain broke and slashed me down the back of the left leg with such force that it chipped the bone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 055

You deserved it 676

By Anonymous - 02/11/2010 02:58 - United States

Today, I was at Walmart and I asked a guy working there where the scrapbooking stuff was. He led me to the aisle where it was and then said, "By the way, I don't work here." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 054

You deserved it 31 671

By desperate - 26/09/2009 14:15 - Denmark

Today, while at a club, I walked up to a cutie who had been eyeing me all night. I asked him "Is that a phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?". He simply replied "It's a phone" before walking away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 053

You deserved it 52 239

Bigmouth

By XxespoxX - 11/05/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, my dad took me to a Yankees game at the new Yankee Stadium. During the 5th inning the camera crew put a man on the big screen. I yelled out, "Look at that ugly asshole!" It was the guy sitting 4 seats to the left of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 052

You deserved it 102 214

By lonely - 01/01/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, I posted on my Facebook wall that I'd gotten into a huge bar fight and had the shit kicked out of me, all to avoid having to tell the truth, namely that I'd stayed home all night because nobody invited me out to party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 050

You deserved it 34 543

By taylortotscx - 27/05/2012 17:15 - United States - Ocala

Today, I went to Busch Gardens. Trying to cool off, I got on a ride that soaked me to the bone. For the rest of the time I was there, my bra was visible through my clothes, along with the "Hell Yeah" printed on my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 049

You deserved it 36 884

By riahta - 06/08/2010 06:45 - United States

Today, I was playing a math game with a 4th grade boy (I'm a college graduate). I cheated during the entire game, and still lost 7 of the 9 rounds we played. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 047

You deserved it 46 541

By dukemisery - 28/11/2016 12:23 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, my ex-girlfriend called saying she wants to get back together because of how mature and sincere I sounded last night. I despise her and I was drunk last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 042

You deserved it 3 031

By j0j0 - 19/11/2008 03:44 - France

Today, I tried demonstrate to my little brother that, unlike what he sees in cartoons, it is impossible to slip on a banana peel. I'm not too sure he's convinced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 041

You deserved it 36 864

By momolee - 07/07/2012 19:13 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, a woman asked why my daughter doesn't look remotely like me. I just smiled and shrugged it off, but the truth is that she looks exactly like I did before I got my botched plastic surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 033

You deserved it 42 435

By Anonymous - 17/11/2016 03:39 - Australia - Cardiff

Today, upon applying for a new job to leave my old crappy job I was informed by my new potential employer that he was unable to hire me because he is friends with my current boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 031

You deserved it 729

By hot4donny - 12/11/2010 02:40 - United States

Today, my family and I were watching Mulan, and I mentioned that I've always had a crush on Shang. After going into detail about how I would "marry his sexy voice" I decided to look up this mystery dream man. To my surprise he was played by Donny Osmond. I will never live this down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 028

You deserved it 27 013

By ObeseCaveDweller - 16/01/2010 07:26 - United States

Today, I found out what I look like drunk and naked while swinging a tennis racket thanks to a picture message forwarded to just about everyone I know and some I don't. Among the numbers the text was sent to was a familiar one. My mom's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 025

You deserved it 30 648

ObeseCaveDweller tells us more.

ObeseCaveDweller 0

Saturday 16 January 2010 22:29

This sounds strangely familiar. Oh, that's right, it was me that this happened to

Gardening world

By Anonymous - 17/05/2012 16:28 - United States - Great Mills

Today, I was trying to convince my husband to not trim the lower branches of my favorite tree. After pleading my case, I turned around and ran smack into one of said branches. My face and my dignity still hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 024

You deserved it 22 540

By MWSL01 - 18/04/2017 05:50 - United States - Duluth

Today, I found out my parents never naturalized me. I'm adopted from a country I've never been to, and now I could be deported there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 023

You deserved it 601

William Sever tells us more.

William Sever 3

Sunday 16 April 2017 8:58

To clarify, I was born in a foreign country and adopted at less than a month old. My parents are both US citizens. I was never naturalized.

By qhu - 23/10/2010 02:15 - United States

Today, I was disciplining one of my students for behavior, and he started to roll his eyes every time I was trying to teach the lesson. So I threatened to write him up. After looking closely at the student, I realized he has a lazy roaming eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 021

You deserved it 37 275

Then it hit me

By clu - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while eating dinner, a car alarm went off outside for 15 minutes and was driving me crazy, until I realized it was my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 018

You deserved it 37 807

By Anonymous - 12/03/2010 07:00 - Australia

Today, I thought I lost my wallet. Canceled my bank cards. Bought a new wallet. Got a $141 parking fine at the motor registry while getting my replacement license which also cost me $22. Went to go to the gym and when I went to put my bike jacket on, felt something inside the sleeve. My wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 016

You deserved it 31 764

Romie1985 tells us more.

Romie1985 0

Friday 12 March 2010 23:32

I actually did look for my wallet, spent over 3 hours looking for it in all obvious places, tore my house apart, checked my clothing pockets several times. It wasn't in the pocket, it fell down the sleeve of my motorcycle jacket. You say I'm an idiot yet half you people can't even read. "Should of checked your pockets". It was down in the sleeve not in the pocket.

By fuck teh poleese - 12/02/2012 21:50 - United States

Today, I realized that I probably have anger issues. I came to this conclusion after I finished screaming abuse at the microwave for beeping before I could hit the off switch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 016

You deserved it 29 552