Miscellaneous: Today, I found out what I look like drunk and naked while swinging...

By ObeseCaveDweller - United States

Today, I found out what I look like drunk and naked while swinging a tennis racket thanks to a picture message forwarded to just about everyone I know and some I don't. Among the numbers the text was sent to was a familiar one. My mom's. FML

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ObeseCaveDweller tells us more :

This sounds strangely familiar. Oh, that's right, it was me that this happened to

Miscellaneous

Triage

Mind control

Unrequited

By drivencrazy - United States

Today, while driving, a girl on her cellphone cut me off. A second later, another person behind me on a cellphone rear ended me. Her excuse was, "I'm sorry, you weren't there a minute ago!" FML

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By bridezilla - Canada

Today, I was on a train when an old man standing next to me very obviously checked me out, caught my eye, and winked. He spent the next five minutes rubbing his penis against my leg. When I turned to tell him off, the train lurched, and the old man fell face first into my breasts. FML

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By carson28 - United States

Today, I saw a homeless man on the corner, I thought I would be generous and give him some cash. I rolled down my window and waved my hand for him to come over. As he was walking over, he was struck by another car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend grinning at me, her hand on my junk. I grinned back, then looked down and saw blood smeared all over her hand and my junk. After I started screaming and crying, she laughed and said it was fake blood. She recorded everything. FML

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By hot sweet.... not - United Kingdom - Renfrew

Today, I was babysitting an 8-year-old boy. He was playing with play-doh and made a sculpture that resembled a penis. I tried to cover up and asked if it was an action figure. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "It's a DICK." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 23:01

Feeders

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years dumped me, after he intentionally made me fat so that I wouldn't leave him. FML

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By CapeRanger - South Africa

Today, I drove my cousin to her wedding. The photographer said I was too ugly for the official photos so they searched the crowd for a good looking guy to pose as the driver in my new car. No one in the crowd stopped to defend me. My mom told me it's my own fault. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2020 23:00

The geyser

Today, my girlfriend was on top in reverse cowgirl. After she orgasmed, all I heard was, "Oh fuck" and she clenched her butt to try stop, but it was too late, she shot diarrhoea up my stomach, chest and neck. The only reason I didn’t get any in my mouth was because it all got caught in my beard. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 23:00

Zoomed out

Today, I had a low blood sugar attack and almost passed out during class while over Zoom, which my professor then decided to bring attention to by calling me out for "sighing" about the research paper. FML

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By Shelly - United States

Today, I used the restroom at a department store. While I was in my stall, I overheard a little girl say to her mother, "I see someone wearing pink!" I remembered that I was wearing pink just as she finished her thought, "And she's pooping." She was peeking at me through the stall. FML

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By izziegrl - Mexico - Naucalpan

Today, I realized that I spend more money on gas to go to my job than what I get paid. FML

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By shellski - United States

Today, a kid from school came to my house. He asked my dad if I was at home, because we were "planning a bit of the old, you know..." and made an obscene gesture. Now I'm grounded for a month, and no matter what I say, my dad won't believe that I've never even spoken to the kid before. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered my mother went into the local pub where I work part time, got very drunk, and flashed her boobs at everyone. I found out when a picture was posted on Facebook. FML

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By catlover - Australia

Today, my cat kept sneezing all morning so I took her to the vet. $150 later and the vet says she's fine. I get home and the noise starts up again. My automatic air freshener spray sounds just like my cat sneezing. FML

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By owwthatfarts - United States - Worcester

Today, one of my preschool students hit me in the nuts in front of my whole class. If that wasn't bad enough, the blow to my crotch instantly triggered a very audible fart. FML

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By neednewshoes

Today, like every day, I flushed a public toilet with my foot. Today, unlike every day, my foot missed the handle and landed in the unflushed water. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Oakville

Today, I was babysitting. As I went to leave the bathroom, someone grabbed the knob and pulled the door shut. I figured it was one of the kids and told them to knock it off. A second later, the grip let off. There was no one there and the kids were still asleep. I don't know what to think. FML

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By stinkyhair - United States

Today, thanks to some asshole with a padlock, I got trapped in porta potty for over an hour. FML

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By coinoperatedgirl - United States

Today, I realized that I will never be able to buy the car I've wanted since middle school. The car? A greyish-silver Volvo, which is the make and color of car Kurt Cobain drove. The reason? I've been informed that it's also the make and color of the car that Edward Cullen drives in Twilight. FML

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By jamienicole1993 - United States - Savannah

Today, I woke up to a broken car window and a text from my ex that read, "Before you ask me, the answer is yes." FML

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By shuahwan - New Zealand

Today, to settle a bet with a friend, I took an online IQ test twice. The first time, I chose answers at random without reading the questions. The second time, I took it for real. I got a higher score from the random selections than from my serious attempt. FML

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By Broccolliboyy - United States - Colfax

Today, I learned that the money I work hard for on YouTube has been transferred to the wrong person's banking account. That person is my ex-girlfriend. FML

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By samba_spaz - United States - Los Angeles

Groove is in the Heart

Today, I was at my usual drum circle. This guy I'd never seen before showed up and started playing an unfamiliar beat. Thinking he was new, I tried to teach him what to play. Turns out he was a professional drummer and was playing an advanced version of the groove I was trying to teach him. FML

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By red - United States - Portland

Today, my ex dropped by to pick up a piece of art he'd left when I threw him out a month ago. While here, he visited the restroom. Tonight, my shampoo smelled like urine. And he called at 11pm to say he'd ''rubbed one out'' on my new boyfriend's toothbrush. FML

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By Smile No More

Today, I was wondering why I was getting strange looks all day at work. When I got to a mirror after my shift, I noticed a booger hanging out of my nose, which was visible only when I smiled. My job involves greeting people all day with a huge smile. FML

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By PixieWrists - United Kingdom

Today, my therapist gave me some great self-sufficiency advice. It sounded familiar. When I got home I realized she had been quoting Christina Aguilera songs. For £100 an hour. FML

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By tellingthetruth - United Kingdom - Studley

Today, the subject of penis size came up while my boyfriend and I were chatting. He asked if he was big, and I replied that whatever size he was, he was enough to satisfy me. Apparently, that was the wrong answer, and he spent the rest of the night sulking because I didn't say he was enormous. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, it marks the fourth month since my 15-year-old cousin asked me out, then started practically stalking me when I said no. It's also the fourth month of my parents and his constantly telling me to stop overreacting and that it's "just a phase." FML

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By anna - France

Today, while waiting for my train, I was listening to a voicemail message on my phone. Out of nowhere, a stranger came up to me from behind and screamed "DELETE!" into my ear. His voice command deleted my message. FML

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By carrie - Algeria

Today, I'm a 23 year old girl who often has to wear two pairs of socks. I don't have four feet, but I have no boobs. FML

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By -_- - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend for the first time. I went down on him, only for him to burst into tears halfway through. Apparently, I do it just like his long-lost teen sweetheart did. I swear I could feel him go completely limp in my mouth. FML

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By notmine - India - New Delhi

Today, I work at a food joint as a chef, and a customer found a long strand of hair in her food. The manager blamed me, even though I'm bald. FML

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By car keyer - United States - Mary Esther

Why would I do that to me?

Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML

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By Me

Today, I went horseback riding with this guy I like. I asked him to help me get on the horse. I slipped, and while trying to keep my balance, I kicked him in the face. FML

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28865

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By HelenErutherford

Senpai Noticed

Today, my period started. It wouldn't be a big deal if it hadn't happened while I was in my karate class practicing kicks, and if the guy I have a crush on hadn't informed me of it after chuckling. FML

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By umm - United States

Today, my future father in law motorboated my breasts as I bent down to give him a hug goodbye. The rest of the family stood there laughing. This is what I'm marrying into? FML

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By willywonks - United States

Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After I knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized, only to hear my girlfriend's voice call from the background, "Baby, who's there?" FML

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By onlyjuggalos - United States

Today, I told my grandpa that I want to join the police force. His response: "You wanna lynch some blacks without the jail time, eh?" FML

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By Becca - United States - Portland

Today, my mother-in-law "borrowed" my dog without asking, to show him off to her friends. My dog is my service animal, and I'm not comfortable leaving the house without him. I have to be at work in an hour, and she's not picking up her phone. FML

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By honk honk, fuckwad - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a dream where I was giving Justin Bieber a blowjob. I'm a totally straight male. I have half a mind to bill the little bastard for therapy sessions. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#777986 - Saturday 16 January 2010 16:11

At least your mom will know that all that money she spent on tennis lessons has finally paid off!

I hope you demonstrated the proper grip and follow-through.

By DanielleTheOne | 3

#778816 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:53

LOL everyones hating on you man :( lol dont worry about it.. Everyone will get over it haha. And dont listen to these fucknuts saying "YDI for being drunk" because people get drunk all the time and you sound like a funny drunk where as i know a lot of angry drunks and violent drunks. Your better off making people laugh then making them cry lol.

COMMENTS

By Blahp | 0

#777977 - Saturday 16 January 2010 16:04

Rofl. Sorry though.

dotsdesu | 0

#778122 - Saturday 16 January 2010 18:41

Swinging your racket while naked?

I hope you were smacking really hard.

Wave it around, baby!

Secret_Fire_King | 0

#779032 - Sunday 17 January 2010 4:24

YDI, for abusing alcohol.. Too much alcohol is poison and it makes people stupid.. It doesn't make things fun or funny.. It slows your brain, so the boring things seem fun or funny..

By _cheeseballs | 0

#777978 - Saturday 16 January 2010 16:05

No one cares, probably not even your 'mom' considering she's seen it all before.
This one isnt even remotely amusing.

inconvienentgurl | 0

#778397 - Saturday 16 January 2010 22:16

Agreed...
YDI for getting drunk...you could of stopped and then you wouldn't be in that situation so its not even close to an FML or funny....

Who clicked yes when moderating???

greentiger | 5

#4016355 - Friday 10 February 2012 7:56

....then don't comment if you dont think it's funny. Just go on and read the next FML

MinaGermania | 12

#5881903 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 8:02

That's because it wasn't for OP which is why it's an FML for OP.

By perdix | 29

#777986 - Saturday 16 January 2010 16:11

At least your mom will know that all that money she spent on tennis lessons has finally paid off!

I hope you demonstrated the proper grip and follow-through.

raisin31408 | 0

#2256260 - Monday 28 March 2011 18:57

^win^ lmfao!!!!

By oldwiseguy | 0

#777990 - Saturday 16 January 2010 16:13

Consider yourself lucky, now that you know how pathetic you are when you drink, maybe you'll turn your life around. if you can't drink without getting drunk then you are an alcoholic and need to join AA.

Vacant | 7

#778023 - Saturday 16 January 2010 16:35

Yeah, because one night of getting drunk really leans toward the idea that the OP is a raging alcoholic and needs AA. What is with people jumping so ahead of everything?

timtam24 | 0

#778063 - Saturday 16 January 2010 17:37

You don't sound old and wise at all #4.

pegasus77 | 0

#778284 - Saturday 16 January 2010 20:35

Yeah, because everyone who gets drunk once in a while is an alcoholic. You don't even know the definition of an alcoholic if you think that.

yourkiddingright_fml | 0

#778386 - Saturday 16 January 2010 22:04

Not true, wiseguy! One is allowed to get drunk as long as when they are drunk they do not do stupid things or harm other people AND getting drunk is not something they do every time they drink. Then it's a problem.

By whataloadofbull | 0

#777999 - Saturday 16 January 2010 16:17

Fifth.

By dzerzhinsky | 0

#778039 - Saturday 16 January 2010 17:02

fyl/ydi

By jonny2x4 | 0

#778069 - Saturday 16 January 2010 17:45

Who hasn't done that before?

Anybody?

By me5 | 0

#778141 - Saturday 16 January 2010 19:02

Just enjoy the FMLs everybody. Don't lecture trying to fix lives.. What's done is done.

By did_it_4_lulz | 0

#778180 - Saturday 16 January 2010 19:34

I LMAO'd. I've definitely been one of these photo takers and it's hilarious.

By MoobyTheCow | 2

#778292 - Saturday 16 January 2010 20:45

YDI it for being retarded. Alcohol isn't license to be an idiot. If you can't control yourself, don't drink.

Better you got this picture now than sentenced for rape later, because the courts don't care about "I was drunk LOL!"

vetter_fml | 0

#778406 - Saturday 16 January 2010 22:23

him making a giant fool of himself is a pretty large leap away from rape...

garbijmann91 | 0

#778495 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:26

If you think that everyone who acts like a moron every now and then is a rapist, than I'm sorry, your just a fucking idiot. A self righteous idiot. Which is like 20,000 times worse. Accusing people you don't know of being rapists is just...unacceptable.