Miscellaneous: Today, while at a club, I walked up to a cutie who had been eyeing...

By desperate - 26/09/2009 14:15 - Denmark

Today, while at a club, I walked up to a cutie who had been eyeing me all night. I asked him "Is that a phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?". He simply replied "It's a phone" before walking away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 024

You deserved it 52 110

Miscellaneous

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Tasty

Selfish tit

By CD - 11/01/2010 00:24 - United States

Today, my mom explained the benefits of douching to me with my boyfriend right there. He began arguing with her about how the vagina is usually self-cleaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 973

You deserved it 2 585

By bridetobe - 22/07/2011 04:23 - United States

Today, I am sitting at home, alone, playing video games. My wedding is tomorrow afternoon. None of my bridesmaids wanted to hang out tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 530

You deserved it 4 823

By Ari - 16/06/2011 04:19 - United States

Today, a man came up to me and punched me in the face. He turned out to be the guy my ex-girlfriend cheated on me with. Apparently, she told him we broke up because I used to beat her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 776

You deserved it 3 693

Pale AF

By Kathleen Verhaegen - 05/03/2020 21:00

Today, I went to get a double conch piercing. Afterwards, the lady asked me whether I was feeling well, because I was looking so pale. I had to explain that it's my normal skin tone. I'm just pale as fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 222

You deserved it 203

By neoteck - 08/01/2009 07:55 - France

Today, I was talking to a charming young lady on MSN by webcam. She suddenly asked me to take my glasses off for a minute; I did so, and she said, "Oh never mind, you're still just as ugly..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 054

You deserved it 2 538

By lovekills99 - 19/01/2009 17:59 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend's mother told me she had fantasies about throwing him out a window when he was a baby because she was so depressed and couldn't handle the stress. The worst part is he wants to get married. She'd be my mother-in-law. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 608

You deserved it 4 243

But my babiiiiiiies!

By fmylifeee - 27/09/2019 04:00

Today, my wife and I invited my boss over for dinner, specifically warning her not to bring her children due to our house not being childproof. She surprised us by walking in with her toddlers. They both shat on our carpets, then my dog knocked them into a wall. I guess I'll start looking for another job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 571

You deserved it 188

By rock'n roller - 03/12/2013 03:42

Today, my bandmate and I decided to propose to our girlfriends, who are also in the band, at the same time in the middle of a concert. His girlfriend said yes. Mine ran off the stage crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 593

You deserved it 6 444

By Anonymous - 30/09/2015 15:08 - United Kingdom - Paisley

Today, my boyfriend of 8 years moved in with two other women. He's spent the past 2 years telling me he can't afford to move out of his parent's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 903

You deserved it 2 571

By SprinklerDodger - 08/06/2012 23:54 - Denmark - Odense

Today, I was woken up by a noise coming from the bathroom. Upon investigation, I discovered my very drunk, giggling girlfriend attempting to urinate standing up. Carefully note the word "attempting". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 622

You deserved it 2 389

Breaking news

By Anonymous - 26/10/2019 20:00

Today, my stepfather woke me up at two in the morning just to tell me he bought a sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 446

You deserved it 122

By Hesintrouble - 23/07/2013 19:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend's boss. She was wondering if he was okay, since he hasn't shown up to work for the past two weeks. Now I'm wondering where he's been going when he leaves the house each day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 924

You deserved it 4 309

By Mike - 16/10/2012 08:07 - United States

Today, I got a call from my son's school saying to pick him up because he'd shat his pants. He's in high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 296

You deserved it 2 977

By Anonymous - 11/01/2010 18:08 - United States

Today, the little boy I nanny for finally stood up and went 'pee-pee on the potty'. I started cheering and clapping, making a big deal out of it. I flushed while he smiled proudly and pooped on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 978

You deserved it 3 591

You tried

By Anonymous - 08/06/2021 06:01

Today, in an effort to try and be closer to my girlfriend's son, I bought him an expensive Xbox game I know he desperately wanted so we could play it together. He was excited, until he realised that I that paid for it. He snapped the disc and threw the pieces in the bin. At least I tried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 327

You deserved it 171

By Modeon123 - 20/10/2016 10:11 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, I was eating my lunch. When I opened my mouth to eat a spoonful of rice, a bee flew right inside my mouth. My tongue got stung. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 395

You deserved it 1 150

By AllieG33 - 05/09/2014 02:59 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, after returning from taking my sister off to college, my parents told me that our house would be a lot quieter with my sister gone. Not because she's loud, but because she has friends and I apparently don't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 608

You deserved it 3 695

By Anonymous - 14/02/2016 09:23 - Canada - Sechelt

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my family. I asked her if she wanted something to drink, and my brother reacted by snorting and calling me a "cuck". Apparently offering your girlfriend a drink means you're being cuckolded now. God, I hope he was adopted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 600

You deserved it 1 872

By Puppy Loverr - 25/08/2011 07:12 - Australia

Today, I was getting a bit intimate with my boyfriend. Just when things were getting interesting, my dog managed to get into my room. He jumped on the bed and my boyfriend spent the next 20 minutes playing with the dog, while I sat next to him, half naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 332

You deserved it 4 808

By Frustation - 30/07/2012 13:00 - United States

Today, I started my new job, and was introduced to my colleague. She seemed old and quite experienced, so I thought she was going to teach me. I was wrong. It turns out I'm a replacement for her daughter, who used to secretly do all of her work for her because she has no idea how to do it herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 804

You deserved it 1 785

By bail? - 29/08/2019 23:00 - United States - Omaha

Today, my daughter's idea of a prank was taking all of our money and getting herself arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 578

You deserved it 158

By Chipper - 09/08/2018 03:50

Today, my girlfriend and I were laying in bed. She rolled over and began rubbing my chest. She then said, "Wow babe those are a solid B-cup." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 594

You deserved it 855

By stupidlights - 07/05/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I left my lights on in my car. I realized it at lunch, made sure to turn the lights off and tried to start it. The battery was dead, and I called my dad to jump it before I got back from my game. I come back from my game and the lights were on. He left the lights on after the jump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 378

You deserved it 6 245

By Toast514 - 29/07/2009 23:49 - Canada

Today, I was short shifted at work because one of my employee's decided not to show up. Furious, I wrote her up and made predetermined judgments about her. When she came in, I went off on her for being absent and leaving me stuck. She then informed me her mom tried to commit suicide. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 125

You deserved it 62 073

By nosleep - 29/12/2012 07:33 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend read online that oversleeping has been linked to strokes later in life. He's now taken it upon himself to protect me by making sure that I have as minimal sleep as possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 997

You deserved it 3 225

By idiot says pussy - 21/01/2014 17:43 - United States

Today, I visited my girlfriend at her place, one thing lead to another, and we had sex for the first time. Her normally very sweet cat now hisses and savages me if I so much as look at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 284

You deserved it 7 914

By shastadoe - 06/08/2012 06:37 - United States - Los Banos

Today, my boyfriend told me he was a vampire. I burst out in laughter and said he was ridiculous. He looked at me in disgust and said he couldn't be with someone who didn't trust and believe in him. I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 522

You deserved it 5 833

By loverofstrife - 07/10/2009 22:36 - United States

Today, on my break, I decided to be friendly and chat with a co-worker that everyone else always seems to avoid. He spent the next ten minutes telling me all about his abcessing sebaceous cysts. Apparently, "The scars look just like gunshot wounds." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 040

You deserved it 5 603

By theboywithlonghair - 09/09/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, I decided to go get my hair cut because it was getting a bit long. I told the lady that I wanted it way short and she replied "Why? You will look like a guy sweetie." I am a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 924

You deserved it 6 882

By Rebecca - 16/01/2012 00:36 - Canada

Today, as I was pulling into my driveway, I hit my fence. The same fence that I had repaired last week because I had run into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 618

You deserved it 41 331

By Wounded_irony - 05/12/2017 05:00

Today, I was wearing flip flops whilst putting out the trash, and was careful not to step near the broken glass surrounding the trash cans. My mother ran up to me hysterically warning me about the glass, which startled me and caused me to step on a shard, slicing my foot open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 842

You deserved it 579

By Reena - 19/08/2011 06:38 - Canada

Today, I got woken up by a text from an unknown number at 3 am saying, "haha I found your number." I ignored it and tried to go back to sleep. After hours of trying to fall asleep, my drowsiness was disturbed by another text from the same person saying, "Sorry, wrong number." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 575

You deserved it 4 212

Wise kid

By Anonymous - 23/11/2020 17:02

Today, I had to give my four year-old daughter some tough love, which I hate doing. When she ran away crying, my son, her twin brother, looked at me and said, "You should be ashamed of yourself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 373

Graded

By df22 - 03/07/2020 20:08

Today, I got my language final exam back. It was a 10-page essay front and back, and I saw that I received a D. The teacher told me the plot was too hard to follow and it jumped all over the place. It turns out he forgot to read the back of every page. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 860

You deserved it 133

By nick - 12/05/2010 09:49 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to go on a diet to lose some weight before summer. This was followed by the arrival of a giant parcel full of candy from my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 215

You deserved it 5 971

By anyoldnamewilldo - 11/12/2014 16:10 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I wore what I thought was a hideous sweater from the thrift store for an ugly sweater contest. I've gotten more compliments on it than anything else I've ever worn. I can't even succeed at failure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 488

You deserved it 3 877

By wekasdjkasldasdkasdzcawqe - 07/08/2013 20:55 - Sweden

Today, my mother yelled and yelled at me until I apologized to our cat for not petting him when he sat on my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 023

You deserved it 5 667

Healthy relationship goals

By leapfrog998 - 05/08/2021 14:01 - Canada - Bancroft

Today, my husband told me to stop being friends with my best guy friend because I won't let him hang out with his ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 863

By turnedoff - 18/06/2012 01:00 - United States

Today, I kindly asked my boyfriend to shave his pubic hair to make oral sex more enjoyable for me. He declined, saying, "Think of it as flossing your teeth. I'm doing you a much needed favor." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 456

You deserved it 5 825

By unknown - 26/02/2012 13:53 - United States

Today, I gave my little brother my iPhone so he could play a game. I soon forgot about it, and when I got it back two hours later, there was pudding and a couple of big cracks in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 063

You deserved it 30 799

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Top comments

Incubuss 0

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Saturday 26 September 2009 19:42

YDI. Who the hell says a line like that?

tomakobriefs 11

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Saturday 26 September 2009 19:43

Lame pickup line is lame.

Nizzit2 0

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Saturday 26 September 2009 19:37

YDI

lonewolf999 1

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Saturday 26 September 2009 21:52

Yeah, I also agree. What OP said was pure lame.

Card_Games 0

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Saturday 26 September 2009 23:58

I think this is hilarious! Guys doing pick up lines is funny-- girls doing them is pure win! xD Though if it were me, I would expect to fail, find it even funnier, and been more like "I am awesome" than "F my life."

yaziyo 0

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Sunday 27 September 2009 9:01

Agree, YDI. Laaaaame pickup line.

infm 0

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Sunday 27 September 2009 16:52

haha I completely agree. a thought: maybe he just got too nervous. if I got approached by a girl like that, it'd be instant love. i hate it when girls just sit around waiting for you to approach

bryttkneee 0

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Sunday 18 July 2010 12:11

is that oral herpes or did you just hit puberty ;D

jesbar95 10

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 23:27

I don't get it..

Hilljack3 2

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Tuesday 5 June 2012 13:35

Think about it lol

OmgItsAnaBeatriz 0

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Saturday 26 September 2009 19:41

Lol, FAIL much?

jpwdragon 0

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Saturday 27 March 2010 12:05

Well, bit of a lame pickup line but hey, you win some… you lose some.

SoccerChick1424 6

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Wednesday 12 February 2014 4:10

What kind of pick up line is that.. Sound like your grandmother taught you that one.

Incubuss 0

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Saturday 26 September 2009 19:42

YDI. Who the hell says a line like that?

ForestFire0 1

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Saturday 26 September 2009 20:09

Mae West

expen_dable 0

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Saturday 26 September 2009 20:36

fat girls

ForestFire0 1

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Saturday 26 September 2009 21:22

Mae West

mister_moops 0

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Sunday 27 September 2009 2:20

fat girls

too_much_fun 0

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Sunday 27 September 2009 8:33

Mae West

redbluegreen 40

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Sunday 11 October 2009 9:47

Fat girls.

chaos753159 4

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 4:44

Mae West

itchyballs 0

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Tuesday 13 July 2010 4:33

fat girls

sparklestar69 1

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Saturday 24 July 2010 7:07

Mae West

Yaggi 0

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Tuesday 30 November 2010 14:49

fat girls.

Sopa2010 0

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Thursday 23 December 2010 22:06

Mae West

Aim4thebullseye 4

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Thursday 6 January 2011 3:33

Umm I'm not too sure but I think this FML is a WOW reference.

stevenJB 25

Wednesday 23 May 2012 19:42

Fat girls

KMtheDrummer 6

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Tuesday 10 July 2012 2:09

129 C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER

Mojones 1

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Sunday 15 July 2012 20:30

You messed up the chain!:(

bonbon1559 19

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Friday 22 November 2013 10:02

YDI

tomakobriefs 11

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Saturday 26 September 2009 19:43

Lame pickup line is lame.

xd0rkiee 0

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Saturday 26 September 2009 19:43

I don`t understand why you would say that. What does his phone have to do with him looking at you?

palmtrees 1

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Saturday 26 September 2009 19:50

Have to agree... since you didn't say he'd been eyeing you all night and it looked like he had an erection, this really just doesn't make any sense.

marsmelow 3

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 2:00

looool u dint gett it

plexico 3

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Saturday 26 September 2009 19:44

I'd be very worried if my erect penis could be mistaken for an iPhone! If it worked like one, I wouldn't be able to stop playing with it.

Incubuss 0

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Saturday 26 September 2009 19:51

Do you like making cheesy jokes on every one of these FML's? ;)

plexico 3

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Saturday 26 September 2009 19:57

Incubuss: Are you talking to me or Triumvirate? Because we are both pretty guilty. Triumvirate: Really? I'll go see about having my old cylinder + hemisphere reshaped.

Incubuss 0

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Saturday 26 September 2009 20:02

I was primarily speaking to you, but they are probably at fault as well.

plexico 3

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Saturday 26 September 2009 20:14

I do like making jokes at the FML's that inspire me to do so. In the US, "cheesy" is not a compliment, which is odd because lots of people like cheese. Except people who are lactose-intolerant -- are you lactose intolerant?

mannix_fml 0

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Saturday 26 September 2009 20:25

You kids are silly.

lets_be_ian 5

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Saturday 26 September 2009 21:20

plexico - like you don't play with it enough as it is without extra features? ;) of course it would be classic to see the look on the first persons face to walk in and find you having a conversation with your penis.... and then hearing it talk back.

Saluton 18

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Tuesday 3 November 2009 13:31

well said Triumvirate, LOL

Otrain 5

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Saturday 16 January 2010 1:54

rofl

crimsongetsu 0

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Friday 16 July 2010 8:06

rofl!!! 8 has tha right idea.. that was very selfish and horny of u op

Jello12 0

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Saturday 26 September 2009 19:46

YDI YDI YDI YOUR A SLUTTY WHORE

palmtrees 1

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Saturday 26 September 2009 19:48

And you're an idiot with no grammatical skills and a problem with the CapsLock key.

FerrariCake 2

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Saturday 26 September 2009 19:49

Aren't phones kind of rectangular shaped? How could you mistake a retangular phone for a penis? YDI for assuming the guy was a 14-year-old who gets an instant erection just by looking at a girl.

palleas_fml 0

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Monday 28 September 2009 13:03

that's just a known line, actually, it's kinda funny. I'm sure she never really assumed it was his erect penis. That's just a stupid line, I don't see why it would be so much dumber than any pick up lines guys use...