Today, we watched a movie in French class. I went on a French... - FML

By daddyslittlegirl250 - 5/5/2009 02:41 - United States

Today, we watched a movie in French class. I went on a French exchange last year, so I wanted to sound all impressive and cultured for my crush who is in the same class. I said that it was my favorite movie and I couldn't wait to watch it with everyone. The movie turned out to be about incest. FML

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Proactive

All for nothing

True hero

By SimpleSimon - 1/7/2009 00:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to work leaving my girlfriend asleep in my bed. Later she calls me demanding to know how long I've been cheating on her. We don't use condoms but she found several in the bin when she decided to empty it. I had to explain while my colleagues listened that I use them to masturbate. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2010 19:41 - United States

Today, I stopped at a yellow light. The guy behind me did not. He had no insurance. FML

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By Sean - 14/8/2016 04:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, as I was crossing a street, a car hit me and broke two of my ribs. The driver was too busy paying attention to his girlfriend who was giving him a blowjob from the passenger seat. I could see the look of ecstasy on his face as he rammed into me and drove off without noticing. FML

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By Fairymyass - 17/7/2011 16:01 - United Kingdom

Today, an argument broke out between me, my girlfriend, and her sister. They were trying to convince me that not only were fairies real, but there were "scientific facts" that "prove" their existence. My girlfriend's 20 and her sister teaches primary school. FML

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By uncoretard - 11/3/2011 14:33

Today, I was trying out for my school's athletics team. As I reached the finish line for the 100m sprint, there was so much momentum I couldn't stop. I ended up running into a wall. FML

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By Disproportionate - 26/10/2019 16:00

Bent

Today, I noticed that the glasses I got this week seemed off balance. A further inspection showed that one of my ears is bigger than the other. Through even further inspection, my family concluded that the entire right side of my body is higher than my left. FML

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By 9gingerface66 - 15/1/2012 06:29 - United States

Today, after finally getting up the confidence, I started talking really dirty to my boyfriend on the phone. I was getting really onto it, and he seemed to enjoy it too. Then I stopped for a second to gauge his reaction. He was snoring. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2014 02:49 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was waiting in a line, texting on my phone. I hear what sounded like a sneeze and said, "Bless you" to the man in front of me. He gave me a dirty look as I began to smell something awful. It wasn't a sneeze. FML

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By Wanted - 19/8/2019 20:00 - United Kingdom - Salford

Today, I got a letter summoning me to court for leaving the scene of a car accident I had in London. I live in Manchester and don't own a car. FML

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By Samantha - 13/3/2012 17:59 - Canada

Today, my dad insisted on having a family movie night. He chose the movies Jaws and Mayday. I'm going on a diving expedition tomorrow. FML

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By blububble412 - 22/1/2015 03:46 - United States - Sierra Vista

Today, we had a drug search at school. After the search, we went back inside. My bag was open, and my lunch was gone. FML

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By Whipped Cream - 24/11/2012 05:38 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I took a picture of myself wearing a whipped cream bra with cherry nipples, captioned, "I hope you enjoyed your dinner, now how about some dessert???" I meant to send it to my fiancé. I sent it by mistake to my dad. FML

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By Oddity_C - 25/11/2009 01:00 - United States

Today, while at work, I was picking up paper in the bathroom. In one stall I saw what I thought was a wadded piece of the brown paper to dry your hands. It wasn't until I realized it was sticking to my bare hand that I realized it was feces. Human feces. FML

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By Wtfbruhimmovingout - 28/11/2015 02:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my mom tried to burn my arm with a hot spatula, all because I got a tattoo against her wishes. FML

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By Pimpleeater - 20/12/2011 07:45 - New Zealand

Today, I found out that, when mad at us, my son picks the tops off his shoulder-pimples and sprinkles them in our food. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2020 17:01

Workaholic

Today, after finally finding the one after so many heartbreaks, he’s leaving me because things are actually too good. He says having me around distracts him too much from work, and spends too much time with me instead of working weekends on top of working all week. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2013 19:09 - United States - Omaha

Today, my boyfriend convinced me do an Insanity workout with him. I passed out during the warmup. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2012 23:51 - United States - Meredith

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by vaulting over the side of a stairway rail parkour-style. Now I feel like I almost broke my legs, and judging by her hysterical laughter, she considers me more of a fool than a stud. FML

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By nyatzz - 16/11/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, my landlady cut off the Internet to my flat. She says she has no use for it, and doesn't want to keep it anymore. I have 3 online assignments due in the next week, and finals the following week. FML

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By TalkedTo - 14/11/2018 03:00

Today, at 16 years old, I got "the talk" from Dad. He began with "I don’t really need to give you the talk do I? It would just be awkward for us both." I agreed with him, and we drove home in silence. Thanks for avoiding the awkwardness, Dad. FML

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By jobless - 6/11/2014 02:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, for the first time since I can remember, I went in to work feeling positive, and that I could make good things happen. At the end of the day, my employment was terminated. FML

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By Icey_dan1 - 10/10/2010 15:16 - France

Today, I tried to jump between the train doors to make it in on time. And missed. FML

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By jacobianscum - 29/11/2015 07:05 - New Zealand - East Tamaki

Today, after 3 months of successful business at my restaurant, sales are down the shitter. Why? Because some no-life troll started posting loads of bad reviews online. He uses different names, but nothing in the reviews has ever happened. We can't get the reviews taken down. FML

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By DeeDee - 4/2/2014 22:08 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my brother came to my first standup comedy act. He'd apparently read my material beforehand, and kept finishing my jokes for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2013 04:26 - United States - Austin

Today, my 12-year-old son was shot in the foot. After hours of not talking, including to the police, he finally told us that his friend accidentally shot him with his dad's gun, and that he didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to "lose any street cred by snitching." FML

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By Jack - 9/8/2016 00:23 - United States - Asheville

Today, my mom said, "I'm sorry your life is such shit." She meant it as an apology. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2020 20:01

What goes around…

Today, my wife demanded that I cut all ties with my best friend, just because she doesn't like the jokes he tells. Now she's bitching that she's upset because his wife, who she works with, is talking about her. FML

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By ginger - 19/8/2011 10:38 - New Zealand

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend because he is tired of everyone giving him shit about my ginger hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2012 20:37 - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, my car alarm went off at a funeral, three times. FML

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By MahSquito - 6/2/2012 02:14 - United States

Today, a train hit me. A slow mini-train full of kindergartners who were on a tour of the museum I was visiting. FML

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By oops secretary - 26/9/2018 12:00

Today, after I had an excellent one night stand with a guy yesterday, I saw him at work. He was a client my boss was trying to talk into a deal. The guy recognised me and accused my boss of sending me to seduce him into signing the contract. The deal fell apart and my boss is livid with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2016 02:09 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was eating breakfast when my little brother goes, "Mommy, what do you do for a living?" and my mom says "I'm a headmaster", and my dad goes, "Oh yeah she is." FML

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By rickjameson - 29/8/2016 10:19 - United States - Kill Devil Hills

Today, I made a point of talking to our parachute riggers, and thanking them for all they do. Today is also the first day I had to pull my reserve chute because my main chute didn't open correctly. FML

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By innocent - 6/1/2015 03:11 - United States

Today, my father seems to be having an affair. A used condom was carelessly left on his nightstand and my mother found it. She refuses to believe that my boyfriend and I are not responsible. As punishment I am "no longer allowed to see him." We're both 22 and live together in our own apartment. FML

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By anonymous - 26/6/2012 06:05 - United States - Ridgewood

Today, I slammed my middle finger in a drawer. I screamed and my mom came running into the kitchen. She asked me what was wrong, so without thinking I stuck up my middle finger. She hasn't spoken to me since this morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2014 05:30 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was at a basketball game. Sitting in the bleachers, I looked over at my friend and said, "Number 33 has a really cute butt." The man in front of us turned around, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "Thanks." Number 33's dad was a very proud father. FML

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By PicturePerfect - 2/3/2009 21:33 - Canada

Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me. I got bitchy about it, and said "Did I say you could take a picture?" He replied with, "No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?" I turned around, and they were right behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, I decided to dress up a little to go out to the bar. I put on a nice shirt, some leggings and heels. When I walked out the door my dad said that I looked like a whore. When I got to my boyfriends house I told him what my dad had said and he replied "I'd have to agree with him." FML

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By Teamarie - 11/8/2009 15:21 - United States

Today, as I was driving my dad home, I got a text message. My dad, who doesn't want me texting while I'm driving, decided to read the text message to me. He began to repeat a message from my boyfriend recounting the amazing sex we had the night before. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2016 03:40 - United States - San Jose

Today, I was driving home when a guy crashes into me from behind. I get out of my car and tell him that I'm going to call the cops. He then asks me if we can move to a corner because we're blocking the way, so then get back in to move. I look in the mirror to see him driving off. FML

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Top comments

By judgeymcjudge | 0

#170813 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:40

And your name is "daddyslittlegirl"... I really hope that was intentional and not just the worst irony in the world.
Anyway, YDI for trying to impress someone when you obviously didn't have a clue what you were doing. That's gotta be the one thing worse than trying to impress people in general - trying to impress them by *lying*.

By NeverLetHerGo | 0

#170798 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:32

LMFAO.
That's what you get for lying. YDI.

COMMENTS

By 1Tsk | 0

#170781 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:24

great job mister incest =D

Reply

RyanKaufman | 7

#738193 - Sunday 27 December 2010 2:55

Yeah YDI for being yet another dick trying to impress someone. Great job.

Reply

danyfuckinheatle | 0

#1062064 - Sunday 4 July 2010 9:25

good job. I bet she wants to blow you know.

Reply

owneditup | 0

#1392216 - Sunday 12 September 2010 9:51

op is a girl...

Reply

max_wilder | 9

#1691060 - Saturday 13 November 2010 3:02

so what did he think?

Reply

VioletLife | 18

#3314174 - Tuesday 20 September 2011 3:16

LOL at OP's username

Reply

chillyCholo | 5

#3997180 - Sunday 5 February 2012 21:37

Obviously they know nothing about wincest

Reply

nic7973 | 23

#4049075 - Friday 17 February 2012 23:06

yup, ydi

By Fredzter | 0

#170790 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:28

Why is that a bad thing? It might have been a good movie?

By NeverLetHerGo | 0

#170798 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:32

LMFAO.
That's what you get for lying. YDI.

By ime_fml | 0

#170806 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:34

Lol at #2. Manon des Sources is really weird. I was thinking of Le Boum (I think that's the name)

Reply

Iellwen | 12

#3596724 - Thursday 17 November 2011 12:02

LA Boum is not really about incest but um... okay... :)

By judgeymcjudge | 0

#170813 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:40

And your name is "daddyslittlegirl"... I really hope that was intentional and not just the worst irony in the world.
Anyway, YDI for trying to impress someone when you obviously didn't have a clue what you were doing. That's gotta be the one thing worse than trying to impress people in general - trying to impress them by *lying*.

Reply

sochaboy | 0

#2072018 - Friday 11 February 2011 20:45

well played!

Reply

ImTheAlpha | 30

#4088478 - Saturday 25 February 2012 20:16

Yeah, trying to impress when you have no clue what yøu're doing will put you in a very, VERY awkward situation.

By Jasper_fml | 0

#170814 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:40

you idiot.

By a_little_priest | 0

#170815 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:40

LOL! "daddyslittlegirl"

Reply

Bobdoleomega | 0

#2741085 - Thursday 23 June 2011 8:20

how do you say that in French?

Reply

rmeyer6 | 0

#2813462 - Sunday 3 July 2011 15:58

I would say "la petite fille de son père" loosely translated means daddy' s little girl

By Jimboom | 11

#170817 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:40

Game the whole family can play. ;-)

By AntiChrist7 | 0

#170821 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:44

that's what you get for having a big mouth.

By looneytaz4 | 0

#170822 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:45

maybe try and show some humility... especially if you don't know what you're talking about which I'm assuming you didn't