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Monday 21 October 2013

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Today, I learned where my mom's "special hiding spot" that I'll "never find" for the Halloween chocolate is, when I preheated the oven to make cookies. FML

by / 10/21/2013 at 12:57pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, my son came home for the fifth time saying he didn't get the job, wondering what he did wrong. I looked at his resumé; under special skills was, "Keeping it real." Apparently he saw it in a movie and thought it would work. FML

by Wheredigowrong / 10/21/2013 at 12:18am / United States (Iowa) / Kids

Today, the family upstairs decided to play basketball. Indoors. At 3am. FML

by Anonymous / 10/21/2013 at 9:06am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I taught my girlfriend some French. She then used her newfound language to break up with me. FML

by French / 10/24/2013 at 8:52am / Australia (Victoria) / Love

Today, a hornet thought it would be fun to fly into a candle that I had lit. As the hornet burned to death, it flung its charred body at my face, which is more painful than it sounds. FML

by Asshole hornet / 10/28/2013 at 4:18pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I opened up to my parents about my depression. Their response was to have a very heated discussion about whose fault it was. FML

by Anonymous / 10/22/2013 at 12:44am / Chile (Region Metropolitana) / Health

Today, my best friend went in for her scheduled mammogram, and I sent her a text saying, "How're your boobies?" It was only after I sent it that I realized I'd sent it to my history professor. FML

by Anonymous / 10/22/2013 at 12:47pm / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, my dog got out of the house. I was running after him and remembered the old "pretend you're hurt" trick. I got on the ground, and cried out as if I was hurt. My dog just kept running. FML

by WalnutGaming / 10/22/2013 at 3:20pm / United States (Maryland) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend broke a glass in the kitchen and accidentally stepped on it, cutting his foot. He asked me if I could help him clean his cut. Apparently, he's ticklish and I now have a huge bruise on my chest from where he kicked me. FML

by ouch.... / 10/21/2013 at 9:24pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, I had my first interview in over a year. I panicked and passed out. FML

by s13495 / 10/24/2013 at 11:52am / United Kingdom (Kingston upon Hull, City of) / Work

Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while a babysitter took care of my 5-year-old daughter. After she came home, she told me the sitter let her use her "weird swing." I wasn't too worried, until she said it was indoors, and I realized she was describing a sex swing. FML

by Anonymous / 10/27/2013 at 12:33pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Kids

Today, I overcame my stage fright and got up in front of a café audience with my acoustic guitar to sing a few of my songs. Some asshat kept yelling stuff like "NEEDS MORE COWBELL!" and "FREEBIRD!", which made me lose my nerve and flee. FML

by NickDrakeFan / 10/28/2013 at 9:57pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to meet my new puppy. My dog decided to take a dump on his lap. He is now not talking to me because he thinks I trained my dog to do that. FML

by Puppy problems / 10/26/2013 at 9:23pm / United States (Vermont) / Animals