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Tuesday 20 August 2013

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Today, my mom visited my new apartment for the first time. I was showing her the bedroom, when she looked into my opened sock drawer and said, "Using Durex, eh? Yeah, you were born 'cause a Trojan split." FML

by thanks mom ¬_¬ / 08/24/2013 at 6:05pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my 50-year-old dad was in a foul mood after taking an online test that put him in Slytherin house instead of Ravenclaw where he "belongs" because he's "so smart". FML

by thanksad / 08/22/2013 at 9:38pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for "cheating" on him by using a vibrator. FML

by Anonymous / 08/23/2013 at 7:30pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I was walking home when I made eye contact with some guy, just being friendly. He then started rapping to me while pointing at his dick. FML

by NotInterested / 08/23/2013 at 2:23am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. As I started getting close to having my first ever orgasm, I got extremely short of breath and started hyperventilating. His reaction was to cover my mouth to shut me up. FML

by Anonymous / 08/24/2013 at 6:31pm / Isle of Man / Intimacy

Today, I got in a heated fight and ended up being punched in the jaw. The fight was about Harry Potter. FML

by Anonymous / 08/27/2013 at 3:21am / Canada (New Brunswick) / Geek

Today, I finally accepted my grandma's friend request on Facebook. I commented on a family photo album she'd uploaded, joking that the quality would greatly improve once she added pictures of me. My comment was met with, "Shut up you sewage rat". FML

by sweetnan / 08/27/2013 at 9:29pm / Chile (Region Metropolitana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I suggestively asked my boyfriend to take a shower with me. He got in, washed himself, and got out, ignoring me the whole time. FML

by -.- / 08/24/2013 at 7:54pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, while training a new employee, I had to run after a naked guy chasing a hooker at the hotel I work at. I made him go back to his room, while she offered me a good time for 300 bucks. The trainee left and hasn't come back yet. FML

by Awkward / 08/22/2013 at 7:50pm / United States / Work

Today, I had sex. The guy texted me an hour later, saying, "That was awkward. Let's not do that again." FML

by none / 08/22/2013 at 12:27am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I asked out the girl who always looks and smiles at me in class. I was surprised when she rejected me until I found out she was actually always looking at the clock behind me, and smiling when class is almost over. FML

by Anonymous / 08/20/2013 at 5:37pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I got my girlfriend to play Smash Bros Brawl with me. As it was her first time, I set up handicaps to give her at least a shot at winning. She won, quite handily. A little irritated at this, I took off the handicaps and tried again. She beat me even faster. FML

by Loser / 08/21/2013 at 11:17am / United States / Geek

Today, my boyfriend and I were discussing sports injuries, and I mentioned that I pulled a muscle in my crotch last year. He snorted and called me a clueless idiot because according to him, "girls don't have crotches". He's a med student. I sense malpractice lawsuits in our future. FML

by fucking financial ruin / 08/23/2013 at 2:21pm / United States (North Carolina) / Love