The Top

I finally got the one screaming to calm down and go to sleep. I also got the vibrator away from the other kid by distracting him with my phone. Everything was good when the parents came home, until the kid told his mom about a cool "spaceship".

Duh…

By Anonymous - 29/09/2009 02:53 - Canada

Today, was my wedding day and I had been preparing my speech for my husband for about 3 months. At the wedding, I poured my heart out to him. Did he do the same? My husband forgot about it and right before the wedding, took his from his first marriage and changed the name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 099

You deserved it 4 194

Invasion

By Anonymous - 26/09/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, my sister bought my five year-old son a giant ant farm for his birthday. We set it in the living room on a table. I went into the kitchen for a minute, and when I walked back in to the living room, my son was holding the empty case over his head, smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 189

You deserved it 7 979

By accident - 14/02/2014 22:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad gave me the sex talk. After telling me all the stuff I already knew, he told me never to use Durex condoms. He said, "They break a lot. That's the only reason you're around today, really." then chuckled to himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 085

You deserved it 5 838

Plans shelved

By Anonymous - 29/07/2009 15:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year told me he is at the point in his life where he is ready to start a family, get married and have a baby. He also casually stated that he wished he could meet someone he could see himself settling down with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 352

You deserved it 4 263

By Aphrodite - 23/01/2010 21:13 - France

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, when the Taco Bell I'd eaten for lunch came back up for round two. Undigested rice and beans got stuck in his hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 155

You deserved it 7 751

Brokeass Mountain

By collegebroke - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Lakewood

Today, I hit a new low in my financial troubles when I left my work to retrieve twenty-five cents after seeing someone drop it across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 807

You deserved it 4 631

New management

By anonix - 21/12/2014 19:08 - Canada

Today, a customer came in with a laptop smashed beyond repair. She asked if we could recover her files, but thanks to my idiot boss's new store policy I had to ask her a bunch of questions, including if she had tried "turning it on and off." She stared at me, speechless, like I was a complete moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 171

You deserved it 4 409

Hawkeye

By hatesurf - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Peru

Today, I was surfing. I saw a cop writing a ticket for my car, I swam as fast as I could to stop him, I got caught in a wave, and smashed onto the rocks. I ended up with a huge bleeding scratch on my back, a broken surfboard, and a note saying that I had a flat tire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 103

You deserved it 10 182

One last thing…

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She came over to see me one last time. We hugged for minutes and cried; it was a touching moment. Just after she left, I realized my wallet that I had on the table beside us was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 054

You deserved it 4 967

Run!

By Anonymous - 18/06/2009 10:37 - Australia

Today, I had a job interview but couldn't find my car keys. I had searched the entire apartment and had missed the interview. Turns out they were in my pocket the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 707

You deserved it 54 680

Delivery!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, somebody ordered pizza and sent it to the house across the street from them, so they could shoot at the pizza guy with an air-soft gun from the upstairs of their house. I was that delivery guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 313

You deserved it 2 357

By Anonymous - 22/09/2011 03:41 - United States

Today, while I was on the bus, my foot fell asleep. When we arrived at my stop, I stood up and limped to the front of the bus. As I walked down the steps, I tripped, fell, and smashed my nose into the ground. The driver just laughed and drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 194

You deserved it 3 520

By fiendishkitty - 20/09/2011 17:53 - United States

Today, six years after hurricane Katrina took everything from me, I received a letter in the mail from FEMA telling me that I have to repay them the money I received to replace what was lost. I have 30 days to repay $4,900 or the case will be sent into federal debt collection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 914

You deserved it 4 113

By Hairball - 10/12/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, my coworker asked to borrow my nail clippers so he could take care of a hangnail. He went to the bathroom, which I thought was polite, but when he got back to his desk and returned my clippers, there were little curly hairs stuck inside. He's bald. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 666

You deserved it 3 162

By tabbycacti - 30/11/2015 13:06 - Australia

Today, I was waiting at a traffic light. I saw my neighbour and her new boyfriend crossing the road, then noticed as he started grabbing his crotch, but thought nothing of it. They both then pulled down their pants and urinated in the middle of the busy intersection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 978

You deserved it 1 795

By vansboy - 15/11/2010 04:26

Today, my family had a secret meeting on my "puberty issues." I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 960

You deserved it 3 650

By Becckzfizz - 20/06/2013 14:10 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I left hospital after a three-night stay. Whilst waiting for my taxi to arrive, my mother called me in hysterics wanting to know where I was, because the police had called her and told her I had gone missing. Turns out my doctor "forgot" to tell anyone that I was discharged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 597

You deserved it 3 292

Becckzfizz tells us more.

Becckzfizz 7

Monday 24 June 2013 16:46

Hello, I wrote this, Yes I'm in England. I'd text my mum to let her know that I was on my way home, she'd replied and all was well. Next thing I know she's ringing me again thinking that I've done a runner from the hospital. The doctor had discharged me and signed all of my forms, though the nurses on duty had not been notified of this and immediately called the police to report me as a missing person (even though I was waiting for my taxi in the hospital entrance), the police then contacted my emergency contact (my mum) and then she called me. I understand that it wasn't the Doctors fault, it was just a clerical error. All clear?